Hi, hi, VGAP!
I was going to comment further on the MST you did, but real life and a rush to
complete the overdue chapter of my series interfered in a major way.
Hopefully, this C&C will make it up a little.
As always, all C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Video Game Addicted Person wrote:
<Rotten sashimi... again?>
Akane Tendo had many reasons for disliking her father's teacher,
Happosai. Frequently receiving sexual harassment is usually enough for a
girl to hate a person.
Hmm, the last sentence seems a little clumsy, suggest: "Frequent sexual
harassment was more than enough reason for a girl to hate a person."
<Smelly ricecake. Drat.>
But this time, her fabled temper was on loose not because of a
grope by the ancient pervert.
Suggest: 'temper wasn't on the loose because of a grope...'
<Bitter juice. Grrr.>
Rather, it was because of his recent attempt at magical mischief.
<... Spicy cake. How the hell do you make a cake spicy?!>
Consequently, she was now stuck in this strange, alien world,
acting out the role of one of protagonists.
<'Awful stew'? Can it get more insulting?>
The character she replaced wasn't bad, actually. She even had a
superficial resemblance to her natural form, what with short blue hair
and all.
Suggest: 'what with the short...'
<Shriveled salad... At least it's edible.>
Her fighting ability actually improved, thanks to the character's
setting. And the new healing powers she also acquired was very cool.
Suggest: 'ability had actually...' and 'acquired were very...'; also joining
the two sentences together would be a good idea.
<Former milk? Okay, that does it! How long do you think you take
to spoil, stupid dairy product!? I was cooking only for a minute!>
It's just that Rena Lanford was supposed to be a good cook... and,
as much as she hated to admit it, she was far from that. Very far.
Claude, Dias, Bowman, and Celine peeked around the kitchen door,
found that Rena was still in her 'slump', and decided to order a take-
out. Later, they suffered the fate of Mallet Therapy.
########################################################################
Nabiki Tendo never liked dying. Especially when it involved losing
all of your weapons save for a wimpy pistol, all your power-ups, and a
forced return to the beginning of the stage.
Very nice wording here. :)
Oh, and pain. Lots and lots of it. But after duking it out with
fire-spouting imps (Oh, how she missed the poetry-spouting swordsman she
was used to dealing with!), giant minotaurs, and various other ugly
bastards from hell... uh, hell-bent on killing her, she had gained the
ability to ignore it. At least some of it.
<When I get out of this hellhole, I swear, I'm going to put
No need for the second comma.
Happosai through the same ordeal. With 'Cho-Aniki'. Then I will burn my
Playstation 2. And Dreamcast. And Nintendo 64. And Playstation. And
Saturn. And... say, I wonder how the others are doing?>
Suggest: linking all the '. And' with ellipses - 'Playstation 2... and
Dreamcast... and'
########################################################################
Kasumi Tendo was a nice person. Abnormally so. This was the main
reason why she almost always managed to avoid being affected by the
recurrent insanity in Nerima. People just weren't willing to harass
her.
Thus, it could be understood that she was major-time confused
right now, dealing with a certain unreasonable turtle.
"But... Mr. Bowser, you are only making everyone, including
yourself, unhappy by kidnapping me..."
"SHADDUP, TOADSTOOL!! THIS TIME, I'M GONNA LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON
THAT DUMB PLUMBER MARIO!!"
Line fault.
########################################################################
Shampoo generally had high opinion of herself. This is expected
'had a high...'
when one is the prized great-granddaughter of the highest matriarch of a
tribe, not to mention the best fighter in the village. Even after
meeting Ranma and many other superior fighters, her ego was still
intact.
Until now, when a samurai was beating the crap out of her, right
into...
Suggest: 'Up to this point, as a samurai beat the carp out of her, sending her
right into...'
*SPLASH*
"RING OUT!! MITSURUGI HEISHIRO DEFEATS XIANG HUANG IN A BRUTAL
COMBAT!"
Line fault.
"Meow! Myaaa!"
Translation: *CENSORED*.
Yes, her confidence was indeed taking a big beating in the 16th-
century world.
She could only hope that beating the game (or winning the
tournament, in her case) would return her to her home world.
########################################################################
<When I see that blasted Nanban Mirror again, I'm going to make
sure it's reduced to atomic particles. No, smaller.)
Ukyo develops the first nuclear-fission battle-spatula? :)
Ukyo Kuonji never really liked videogames. She much rather
preferred experimenting new recipes for okonomiyaki, or training in her
style of martial arts.
Right now, she was seriously considering supporting an anti-
videogame campaign some government officials liked to rant so much
about. Or at least, sue Sony for making this game in which she was
trapped in.
No need for the second 'in'.
"ARRRRGGHHH!! Ican'trapforthelifeofme! Someonegetmeoutofhere,
beforeIgoinsaneandgetstuckinthefirstlevelforever!"
"Hey, you finally did it, Ukyo! That's the spirit!"
Ukyo sincerely wished that she had her kick-ass spatula to chop
the annoying dog-like creature into tiny itty bits.
########################################################################
"JUST HOW DEEP IS THIS BLASTED DUNGEON!? WHERE THE HELL IS THE
EXIT!? WHY CAN'T I EVER FIND A STAIR GOING UP!? WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
STUPID MONSTERS!? AND WHAT WAS THAT YELLOW DODO BIRD DOING IN THERE!?
DAMN YOU RANMA, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
Lots of line faults here; could be my mailer, but you might want to look at
it.
########################################################################
Ranma Saotome often has been accused of being a playboy. Most
Suggest: 'was often accused of...'
ignore the fact that prior to coming to Nerima, he had few chances to
communicate with females. Thus, even though he had long since gotten
used attention from pretty girls, he still had trouble saying no to
'used to attention...'
them.
Which was why he was feeling VERY doomed right now.
<I need to make, what, a dozen girl fall in love with me? That's
'a dozen girls...'
no problem... Simultaneously, that is. Seperately, on the other hand...>
Ranma shuddered violently. <AND I have got to keep them from getting
jealous and ruining my reputation. Oh, man...>
The fact that his life experience had somehow carried over to
his game-alter-ego and maxed out his health, athletics, guts, and
appearance ratings should have made things easier... But it didn't. It
simply meant that more girls would take notice of him, which lead to
even more potential jealousy bombs to diffuse.
<I'm gonna kill Happosai. I'm gonna kill Happosai. I'm gonna->
"Is something wrong, Ranma-kun?"
Ranma shook his head, both to return to the nightmare that passed
for his current reality and to convince the bane of his existance that
'existence'
nothing was wrong, really. "Nothing, Shiori. Let's just head home."
<Great. Just great. When am I going to make it back home?>
Thousand Arms would also have been a cute choice. :)
A cute fic, even if I was lost most of the time. Keep writing!
Phil.