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Well.
It's certainly an interesting premise, and the writing is,
technically, darn good - no spelling errors, no grammar errors, etc.
My biggest problems with it are in characterization, pacing, and
author bias.
Akane: seems too... intellectual, I guess. Sure, she likes/loves
Ranma (Ranko? :), but some of the sentences she spouts - especially at
the canal scene - are just not something I can picture Akane saying.
Nor can I see her being that helpful, that quickly. I'm not saying she
wouldn't help, but in canon, her attitude has always been less helpful
than it could be, at least at the start of something. Later on, when it
dawns on her that the situation is serious, she's helpful. Until then,
though....
Ranma: um... this one is really hard to say, I guess. Sure, you've
just taken his world and turned it upside down, but I still think he's
responding oddly. IMO, he's accepting it way too easily. And that
leads into the next part, which is,
Pacing. Oh, man, does the pacing need some work (IMO, again). It
all happens too quickly. I don't know where you're planning to go with
this, but it feels like the start of a longer fic. That's great - I'm
looking forward to the rest. But this chapter just flows too fast. In
the space of a couple of days, Ranma has reversed everything he ever
believed in, and is liking it. Sorry, but I don't think it'd happen
that quick.
In all honesty, this seems like a story on its own, rather than a
chapter of another. Were I you, I'd break this out into chapters and
flesh it out a bit. I'd suggest a series of fics, rather than a single
fic with seperate stories in each chapter. This, properly fleshed out
and with a bit more conflict (Genma as a source springs to mind...),
could be a fic on it's own. Then another fic, based off this first,
could follow. That's how I would approach it, at any rate.
Finally, the author bias. To me, the fic - in many, many places -
read like thinly-veiled Genma-bashing. Now, granted, Genma is a rather
daft individual, and, in canon, has little concept of honor except where
it's convenient. And, for the purposes of your fic, he obviously did
what you've shown that he did. Fine. But - and I may be wrong here -
I'm willing to guess that the author is: A) a Ranma/Akane matchup fan,
and B) a Genma hater. And, probably, an Akane fan.
Fanfiction being what it is, you're perfectly free to show stuff
however you feel it should be shown. IMO, though, you'd produce a much
better story if you concentrated on the flaws of a character AND their
good points in equal measure.
In this fic, Akane is much more calm, much nicer, and generally, a
much easier person to get along with than she's shown in canon Ranma.
You only -barely- touched on one of her flaws - her temper. And in only
one place, at that (well, two, but only one seriously).
Ranma's character is hard to quantify this way; his entire world is
being shaken, so I won't try yet.
Genma... well, it's hard to say, now isn't it? You've hustled him
off-stage so you can take potshots at him throughout the whole fic.
Maybe he had a reason for what he did (even if it's only to himself),
maybe not - we, the readers, will never know unless you show us. And
seeing a character be constantly bashed without seeing him have a chance
to show his side of it is, well... unsatisfying is the best word, I
guess. To put it bluntly, you showed his flaws to an exacting degree,
but you did not even mention his good points. And though it may be
cliche, EVERYBODY has some of both.
For the record, I don't particularly like Genma. Were I to meet him
face-to-face (and assuming I possessed the skill), I'd most likely punch
him in the snoot. But my innate sense of fair play really makes it hard
for me to enjoy a fic when the bad guy can't defend himself and multiple
good guys get to take as many shots as they want. Fics that do the
reverse are also on my hard-to-enjoy list.
Anyway... enough with my long-winded almost-rant. I do hope you
take at least some of my advice to heart; I'd like to see where this fic
can go, and I did enjoy the story, but it was hard to stick with it,
with the bias it obviously displays.
Looking forward to more,
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org