C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
===============
VIDEO GIRL? I?
A Ranma 1/2-Video Girl Ai fusion
by Ukyou Kuonji
===============
Fortunately a low-grade pun, so I guess you don't have to go to hell. :j
[...]
episode 1: The Invisible Girl
cap: Episode
(Then again, it's lowercase in the subject line, too...)
Ukyou Kuonji never claimed to be a ninja. Sure, those throwing spatulas of
hers functioned just like shurikan, but that was a technique of her own
devising rather than some ancient ninjitsu trick. She had never received any
formal training in the martial arts, and there was no question that the
servile Konatsu would make a lousy teacher.
sp: shuriken
I liked this opening. Too often I read about power-upped Ranma characters,
so this sort of poking at assumptions of Ukyo's power level was nice to see.
So Ukyou had no known ability in the ninjitsu arts. But it didn't matter.
suggest: It didn't matter.
(Maybe use a semi-colon, instead of a period. I don't have a problem
starting a sentence with a conjunction, but it just reads a little
awkwardly.)
Outside of Furinkan or the Ucchan, she was as invisible as any of those
fabled fighters.
And a nice tie-in to the main theme. :)
[...]
But for whatever reason, while people *could* see her, they simply *didn't*.
At least, not outside of her appointed haunts. She simply faded into the
crowd of shoppers, unrecognizable despite her outward appearance.
Just one of the boys... ^_^
Many times, she had to remind herself that her seeming invisibility wasn't
out of spite on the world's part. Just like herself, everyone had their own
set of cares and worries to be wrapped up in.
I guess she would know about "wrapping" things...
suggest: her apparent invisibility
[...]
There was a bump, and Ukyou's ears registered the sound of packages crashing
to the street... <sometimes,> she murmured to herself, <not even then.>
cap: Sometimes
She felt a slight breeze; a couple nearly ran into her as they giggled their
way out of a kissaten. She turned and watched as they continued on in the
direction from whence she had just come.
gram: direction whence
or: direction from where
I'll assume that a kissaten isn't a dojo where young couples train...
Yuka and Hiroshi. Two weeks ago, the two of them were barely speaking to
each other, over some trivial thing that even Ukyou couldn't remember at the
moment. What she *could* remember was the verbal butt-kicking she had to
give both of them on their seperate visits to complain about each other. Now
they were back together as lovey-dovey as before; maybe even more so. Gosh,
it was sickening. And to think, she'd helped them get to where they were.
sp: separate
But they just passed her by like nothing.
It was as if she was thought of like some kind of superhero: once everything
was patched up, Ukyou was expected to tip her hat, make a pronouncement along
the lines of "My work here is done," and amble off into the sunset without
giving her beneficiaries a chance to thank her.
And she doesn't ever get to squeeze coal into diamonds! What a rip-off!
Well, at least she's got the dual identity thing down. "Who, disguised as
a male high school student..."
I like the superhero analogy, but the opening sentence is contorted.
Kill the passive.
suggest: It was as if everyone thought of her as some kind of
or: It was as if everyone thought she was some kind
Well, she was no superhero. A little attention would be nice. A thank you,
a hug... anything, dammit.
A little attention from a certain fiance...
KONATSU: But Ukyo! What about me? [points at self]
UKYO: I mean, I don't need a key to the city or anything...
KONATSU: Um, hello?
UKYO: I'd be happy if they just acknowledged my existence. Is it
too hard to say "Hi, Ukyou?"
KONATSU: ...
She was starting to consider stripping naked and running screaming through
the shopping district, just to see if anyone would notice...
I can think of certain fans who just might... ^_^
...when she caught the glint of an eye in her direction.
This was a little weird. Typically people have a glint in their eye.
But throwing a glint into someone else's eye? Huh?
suggest: caught the glint of an eye of someone looking in her
She whirled to face whoever was looking at her, dropping into a defensive
stance. It turned out to be a stocky old man inside a video rental shop. He
was waving at her, beckoning her to come in.
Most video places I know of are plastered with posters, and I somehow
imagine it would be worse in Tokyo. The only place I can see him being
was right behind the door (no posters due to fire hazard).
But then I'd imagine Ukyo'd be a little more suspicious entering when
he's someone dissapeared. Aren't men supposed to open doors for ladies? :)
A voice in the back of her head began to worry whether this was a good idea,
but Ukyou ignored it.
COMMON SENSE: You know, I could have made both our lives a lot easier...
UKYO: You shut up. There's nothing wrong with practicing to cook by the
raging sea. Or hunting my fiancee for a decade. Or giving up my
femininity.
COMMON SENSE: [sigh] I should have left when that Saotome kid's
common sense offered to take me with him on that training journey...
Someone actually noticed her, even if he *did* look
like a cross between Happosai and Wilford Brimley.
Just so you know, the Wilford Brimley reference was lost on me.
The voice in the corner
of her mind simply sighed - like the rest of her psyche, she'd become used to
being ignored. Not that the voice liked it any more than the rest of her did.
How can she reasonably expect other people to start paying attention to
her when she doesn't even pay attention to herself.
C'mon, Ukyo! Listen to the little voices in your head!
There *had* been someone inside this place, right? An old man, waving at
her, right?
suggest: waving at her...?
(Drop the repeated "right".)
Well, the place was deserted now, for all she could see. Fate was having its
little joke on her... again.
Fate likes to keep herself entertained. ^_^
[...]
"Hm? Sempai?" Ukyou put down her algebra textbook, and looked up at her
burly older classmate as he passed by her open door, waving a beefy handful
of videotapes. Tamiya was a gentle soul under that hulking exterior, and was
well-liked by the entire dorm. He was going to be sorely missed when he
graduated next semester and headed off to Nekomi Technical Institute.
I'm wondering if Kosuke Fujishima should have been listed at the top
of the fic, too. :)
"Puddown dat book and c'mon upstairs, Kuonji. Kurenai's just been dumped -
again - and it's our bounden duty t'cheer him up, got it?" Tsubasa Kurenai
was a baby-faced kid in Ukyou's class whose rotten luck with women was
already reaching legendary proportions, even in his first semester at
Kotebuki Boys' School. Tamiya had gotten it into his head to try to mentor
the unfortunate youngster in the ways of women and the world. Of course,
with Tamiya's 'help'...
TAMIYA: Hey, baby, you'se wanna help me take this engine apart?
"Sure, whatever..." She closed the door on her way out of her dorm room, and
scampered after her sempai. "What'ja have in mind to cheer him up with?"
Scamper? ^_^;
suggest: have in mind to cheer him up?"
(Unless Ukyo assumes there's some object involved to do the cheering.)
[...]
Ukyou gulped, and slowed her pace. With Tamiya's 'help,' Kurenai could well
become a menace to women everywhere...
Sounds like ripe material for a side story. :D
***
--{ o/~ boom-chika-boom-bau o/~ }--
Nice. :)
"Oooh, baby! Lookit them hooters!"
It's not clear who's talking here, but if it's Tamiya,
I'd suggest "dem hooters"
[naughty bits snipped]
"And you would know that *how*?" Now Ootaki-sempai was interested. Oooh
boy... what Ukyou would give to be invisible right now. [...]
FATE: Your wish is granted! Just wait a few years for it to kick in.
[more naughty bits]
Kurenai-kun.
And her days of invisibility at Kotebuki were effectively over.
And was that a Good Thing or a Bad Thing? ;)
[...]
"KYAAAAH!!" Ukyou had been so lost in her memory she had completely
forgotten about that strange little old man. From her sudden perch on the
top shelf of videos, she cursed herself for letting him get the drop on her
so easily.
I'm surprised she didn't just bash him over the head with that spatula.
The old man, for his part was a bit startled at Ukyou's reaction. "Well, I
hadn't expected you to wind up on the shelves *that* way, but..." He
shrugged and offered his hand to the girl panting from her recent adrenaline
rush. "Can I help you? Besides down, that is?"
punc: old man, for his part, was
Ah. Now i see why you had her jump. :j
[...]
"Yes, well... that's another thing. I think you'd make a perfect video girl
yourself, if I may say so... would you be interested...?"
This guy's name isn't Tamari, is it?
[...]
"We know you, Ukyou Kuonji. You are pure in heart, and..."
Ah, sweet, pure, Ukyo...
At this, Ukyou let out a guffaw best described as equine. "Pure in heart, my
ass.
^_^
[...]
"That's right, and a broken heart is something that only an adult has the
wisdom to recognize and fix. The video girls are designed for that purpose,
but there are times when we need someone a bit more... *human*... than
these," and he gestured at the rows of burikko faces staring cutely back at
them from the shelves, "and we know how your heart is willing to share itself
with others. It's a gift that should not be wasted. Please."
Burikko? "Brick?"
[...]
Finally, she could take no more, and tore her eyes painfully from his. "I
gotta go," and she raced for the door. But before she could escape,
something slashed past her ear, and her headband fell from her hair, sliced
through cleanly by...
This struck me as a little odd. Why (how) would the old guy cut her
headband with his business card? And isn't her ribbon gather the back
of her hair? Would it be cut by something moving close to her ear?
[...]
Well, this was a good opening part, and I'm interested to see
which way it goes.
The sort of "common sense" Ukyo came across quite well. She was
introspective, but not brooding. Also, it was refreshing to have
an Ukyo story with absolutely no mention of Ranma anywhere. :)
I liked the peek into her past, both her embarassed confession to
"the guys," and how it turned out. No longer invisible, indeed!
The only downside: most readers will get the Japanese words "sempai"
and "ne". Fewer will get "kissaten," and I have no idea what "burikko"
means.
This did NOT turn out the way I'd planned it. It's gonna need some help, if
anyone's willing... I don't like what it's turned out to be, but I don't know
what to do with it. Any recommendations?
Well, I can't claim to know what you intended, but it seems to have
turned out pretty well so far. I suggesting something similar on the
FFIRC.
I think the story has laid out pretty well why Ukyo would make a good
video girl. Less so why Ukyo would want to *be* one. Her problem seems
to be other people ignoring her, and I doubt there'd be too much appeal
to sitting on a shelf, waiting for one of the "rare people" who can see
the shop to come in and just maybe pick her.
Of course, that's assuming a very literal Ai-like video girl.
Otherwise, the tone's gonna change rather abruptly in episode two...
Looking forward to whatever it is...
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^
...Cuuri andu shempu.
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"