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-- File: amorc16.txt
DISCLAIMER: The teddy bear did it!!!
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Ranma 1/2: "A Matter of Romantic Chemistry", pt. 16
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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Kasumi already had a kettle of water boiling for tea by the
time the others left for school. Just a feeling ... best to
make some tea.
The phone rang. She turned to pick up the kitchen extension.
"Moshi-moshi?"
"Hey, oneechan? Nabiki. Warn Ko-chan that Kuno's heading
toward home to meet her."
"Tatewaki Kuno? The boy that used to pester Akane?"
"Afraid so. He's after the redhead now, and I just found out
he's taken Happosai's place and is able to glomp like the
old pervert could."
"Oh, my," Kasumi nodded to herself. "I'll warn her right
away. Arigato, Nabiki."
"No prob. I gotta go - first period. Good luck."
"I'll tell the contractors to be on standby."
Kasumi hung up the phone and rushed out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
"Ko-chan!" she cried, dashing into their shared room.
Ranko jumped out of bed and fell in a heap on the floor,
nerves shattered at the sudden entrance of her friend. Being
woken out of a sound sleep by an alarmed Kasumi could not be
good.
"Huh-what-who-where-nani-nani?!?"
"Kuno-san is on his way over - and he must have found
grandfather Happosai's secret scrolls somewhere!"
Ranko yawned, rubbing her eyes. "Why's that?"
"Because Nabiki said he had mastered the glomp technique."
Ranko lept to her feet, pulling on a kimono and barely tying
the obi in time to hear the pompous-ass voice of Kuno call
out, "Ranko Saotome! Fair flower of my heart and most
beauteous of all women - "
"Crud in a bucket," she sighed, thundering down the stairs,
closely followed by Kasumi.
" - I have come to claim you for my own by proving my
manliness to you!"
She stopped dead in her tracks on the front porch, staring
at the spectacle just outside the gates of the Tendo garden.
(See Part 15 for a description of Kuno's new outfit.)
Kasumi covered her mouth and giggled quietly, excusing
herself to the kitchen to chortle hysterically.
Ranko narrowed her eyes at Kuno and asked, "When did the
freak show come into town?"
He looked down at his outfit and looked back up at her. "I
believe I have fabulous legs and - dare I say - buttocks.
Boxers enhance these qualities of mine. Including one in
particular ... "
"Oh, ew, gross. Get a stick, kill it, kill it," she sighed,
flicking her fingers in a powerful thrust toward him.
The pressurized air made him stumble back, landing on top of
the bag of panties he had carried with him.
<A powerful martial artist she is, and playing hard-to-get
as well. 'A shy virgin is always the sweetest catch,' as the
Master's scroll says. A perfect match for the Blue Thunder!>
Kuno got to his feet and charged the wall of the garden,
hitching himself up and over.
"HOTCHA!" he cried, his hands reaching out toward the
redhead's ample breasts.
Ranko spun, her speed sending a roundhouse kick into the
upperclassman's face, causing him to fly into the koi pond.
He surfaced, spitting water out.
"Listen, freak," she stated. "There is no way in the Seven
Rings of Hell I'll date you. I don't find you manly, I find
you offensive. Furthermore, Ono Tofu is my true love, and you have no part in that!" Her delicate hands grabbed him by
the hair and swung him around and around.
"Ranko-sama!" he squealed, feeling her fingers release his
hair. He felt the familiar rush of wind as he became airborne once again.
"Happy landings, you silly brain-dead cabbage!"
"You'll be miiiiiinnneeeee, Raaaaannkoohhh!!!"
"Gah."
* * * * * * * * * *
Jiro and Ranma walked out to the Saotome backyard while Akane and Nodoka spoke quietly.
"Hey, Jiro!"
"What is it, fem- er, Ranma?" he asked testily.
"Hey, don't go getting nasty! I just wanted to talk, that's
all."
"About what?"
"Well, I never had any real family for most of my life, and
now I got two brothers and a sister -"
"Two."
"Eh?"
"You - *we* - have another sister," Jiro explained. "Her
name's Rose Petal. She lives in the village I was born in."
"I didn't know that," Ranma said wonderingly.
"That's the problem with the bastard - he drops his spawn
everywhere. And doesn't give a rat's ass about the
consequences!"
"Could be worse," Ranma replied.
"How?"
Ranma began an abbreviated rendition of growing up as the
son of Genma Saotome as the two brothers began a long and
slow process of bonding.
Meanwhile, inside ...
"Akane-chan ..." Nodoka asked diffidently. "How well do you
know Ranko?"
"Fairly well," Akane answered. "I'm not as close to her as
Ranma, but I consider her a friend." She chuckled. "In fact,
you might say that she helped me and Ranma finally get
together. It was the fear of losing him to Ranko that
finally made me open up to Ranma, show him I could be
trusted."
"Lose him ... to his sister?" Nodoka asked.
Akane blushed. She wasn't sure how much Nodoka knew of
Ranko's origins, nor how much Ranko wanted her to know.
"They have a ... special relationship."
Nodoka was taken aback by that. That simply wasn't proper! A
brother and sister shouldn't -
She stopped herself. That sort of thinking had kept her away
from her son too long, and had all but cost her a daughter.
If Akane-chan wasn't bothered by it, she wouldn't remark on
it.
"Do you think Ranko would ... accept me as her mother now?"
Akane avoided looking at Nodoka directly. She had seen the
depths of Ranko's resentment of Nodoka, and knew it wouldn't
all be washed away with a broken katana and a few words.
"I don't think she needs a mother anymore," Akane said. "But
she was alone for a very long time. I think she might use a
friend."
Nodoka nodded. It wasn't what she wanted, but beggars can't
be choosers. It would have to be enough.
* * * * * * * * * *
"grumble mumble dickweed grumble bokken-wielding loony
mumble mumble ..." Ranko complained under her breath all the
way to Tofu's clinic. The reintroduction of a mega-hentai
into her life annoyed her, as did the suspension from school
and Ranma's unexpected jealousy of her new relationship ...
she needed some comfort.
So she headed to Ono's for some talk (and maybe some
incidental snuggling).
When she went inside, there was a strange girl coming out of
Ono's private office. She was gaijin, incredibly blonde-
haired and blue-eyed, with a daisy holding a side pigtail.
Her eyes were bright blue with stars in them. She wore a
simple white peasant blouse and a daisy-print skirt with
matching suspenders. Her shoes had little daisy bows on them.
Her aura bespoke of simple purity, of virginal innocence.
She was so sweet and pure, Kasumi might have objected.
"Oh, hello," she said to Ranko, an odd accent coloring her
Japanese.
"Hello," Ranko said. "Were you here to see the doctor?"
"Oh yes, but Ono-sama doesn't seem to be around."
Ranko's eyes bugged out. "*ONO-SAMA*?!?"
"Oh, pardon my manners. I'm Ina Sophia - Ono-sama's fiancee!" She whipped a bento out of nowhere. "Would you
like some cookies?"
"*FIANCEE*?!?" Ranko screamed, rattling the windows.
Lightning flashed, thunder pealed.
"Why, yes. Didn't he mention me?"
Ranko breathed deeply, trying to focus herself. <Calm,
Saotome. Calm. This is probably just another one of those
screwy things like Niichan gets into all the time.>
"Well," Ina said, smiling sunnily. "If you see Ono-sama,
tell him I'll be back later. You can keep the cookies. Bye
now and have a sweet and sun-shiney day!"
As the sickeningly wholesome girl skipped outside, Ranko
went to Ono's office to sit down a minute.
In one corner of the office, a filing cabinet was trembling
violently.
Ranko went over to it and knocked gently. "Ono? It's me -
Ranko."
"Ko-chan?" Doctor Tofu whispered. "Is she gone?"
"Yeah-"
With a sigh of relief, Ono started to climb out of the
cabinet.
"- but she said she'd be back."
<SLAM!> went the cabinet, which began trembling again.
"Don't tell her I'm here! Tell her I'm dead! That I was
buried in another country! I'm scared! MOMMY!!"
Ranko blinked, then decided Kasumi's approach to everything
was the best solution at the moment ... she went to make tea.
* * * * * * * * * *
Akari had located a towel in her hotel room for Ryoga, after
guiding him stealthily through Nerima while he insisted on
crawling on all fours. He looked at the towel blankly and
she - blushing furiously - wrapped the towel around his
middle parts. She pushed him onto the bed, and stared at
him, redness crossing her cheeks.
<Well, this *was* what I always wanted ... but this just
seems a little odd. No, I don't want this. I'm a nice girl,
and nice girls don't want such things. Nasty things ...
dirty things ... yummy things ... >
She cleared her throat and smiled sweetly. "Do you want any
tea, Ryoga-sama?"
"Bwee!" P-chan-turned-human replied, trembling in the cold
air.
"You're right, maybe a warm bath would be better for you.
I'll start one."
Akari gratefully left him. <So forward! Being casually nude
around me. He *must* love me! He wants to marry me and make
babies to teach them the arts of pig raising and wrestling!
Yes, that's it! We must start right away! Grandfather
wouldn't mind if I carried just before marriage! Just to
make sure we're fertile with each other - just like with the
pigs.>
Akari hummed to herself, filling the bath with hot water and
half a bottle of bubble bath. She nervously peeled her
clothes off and pulled a robe over herself.
"Ryoga-sama ... " she sang sweetly.
Ryoga-P-Chan, meanwhile, was trying to adjust to his new ...
everything. He'd never had a chance to control the human body, and wasn't quite sure how to manage all the odd
equipment. The two legs, the hands, and the speaking parts
all mystified him.
"Come on, darling," Akari said in a lilting, sing-song voice. "We have a nice furo waiting for us. But first, we
have to scrub you off."
Ryoga-P-Chan allowed the pig-girl to take him to the bath.
When she picked up the scrub-brush, he recognized the activity instantly - the Akane-girl used to clean his piglet-form like this. He allowed her to scrub him off, making little piggy sounds as she scrubbed him.
Akari was nervous at first, but soon found her shyness giving way to a feeling of ... excitement? Yes, excitement. Soon, she was enjoying it, even being a little bold around ... certain parts. His physical reaction was both wonderful and frightening.
As she poured the cold water over him to rinse him off, the
sound he made was ... exciting. It reminded her of when
Katsunishiki would go to the sows.
She allowed her robe to fall to the floor and quickly stepped into the tub. Her breathing was deep and heavy now. "Ryoga-sama," she said in a deep, rough voice, "come in. The water's fine."
She watched her Ryoga step into the tub ...
... and vanish. A little black piglet splashed in the water,
squealing.
Which couldn't be heard over Akari's scream.
* * * * * * * * * *
Tatewaki Kuno, self-proclaimed disciple of the Anything-Goes
School of Manly Arts, nursed his head wound as he worked on
his new bokken. He thought (little wisps of smoke rising
from his ears), meditating upon the exchange he and the
Saotome girl had as his fingers molded his new weapon.
<Doctor Ono Tofu is her 'true love' ... so she says.
Probably *he* is the foul sorceror that had taken my loves
from me. Saotome was only a pawn in the evil doctor's plan
to keep the delicious redhead to himself. The hentai.>
Kuno stabbed the new and improved bokken into the air,
thunder pealing in the distance.
"As long as I shall live, Tofu, I will free the fair Ranko
Saotome from your evil clutches! The vengence of heaven is
slow but sure ... " <Insert Kuno Mad Laugh Number 438 here.>
Sasuke twisted his little monkey face up in disgust as he
rounded the corner of the house.
"Come on, do-boy," the girl intoned. "I have to get back in
time for fifth period."
"How much do I get from the betting pool concerning the
little snot-face?" he asked.
"Two hundred yen."
"Nani??"
"Hey, you were a little late in your entry. You, who work
for Kuno-baby, wasn't able to guess when he'd finally admit
to who he is?"
"I prefer not to comment, Tendo-san," he replied, sighing
and collecting his winnings. "Heck, I sort of thought he'd
never *really* admit to his perverthood."
"Have it your way," Nabiki chuckled. "Nice doing business
with you."
* * * * * * * * * *
Tofu spent the last hour explaining to his beloved Ranko how
he knew Miss Ina Sophia from Medina (Spain). ("Any other
stupid rhymes, Ono-sama?" "Not my fault, Ko-chan, it
happened that way.") Of how she was in Russia at the same
time he was on his 'Walkabout' and she had taught him the
bulk of his magical lore.
They had ... dated once (to use the term loosely, unless
your idea of 'dating' involved the use of whips, chains, and
fur-lined handcuffs) which scared the holy heck out of him.
Ranko just stared at him, her face a mask of total
skepticism.
"What?" he asked.
"You expect me to believe *that* of *her*?? Little Miss
Sunshine-Diabetic-Shock?"
"It's true!" he insisted. "She's a *monster*!!"
"That little girl actually makes your succubus girlfriend
look like Donna Reed on that American sitcom."
"Hey, that wasn't my fault, either!"
"You're beginning to sound like Ranma, y'know."
The doctor chuckled and blushed, scratching the back of his
head. "Guess so; I can sympathize with him now."
"Well, based on the sugar over-dosage alone, I can see why
you'd want to be - "
" - On another planet - " Tofu interjected.
" - but I just can't see her being this leather-wearing
dominatrix you're describing."
"Not leather," he corrected her, "vinyl. She also has a
dragon tattoo on her hip."
Ranko stared at him. For a long silent moment. The moment
turned into several minutes.
"Ko-chan?" he asked nervously.
"What was the attraction?" she finally asked.
A long moment of silence came from his end. At last, he
replied, "I have no earthly idea why. I think, at first,
she reminded me of Kasumi - when I thought I was in love
with her ... "
Ranko lowered her eyes, standing up and turning to leave the
room.
"Ko-chan?"
"I just remembered ... our captive guest ... "
Tofu immediately got the impression he inserted his foot
deep in his gullet.
"Damnit, Ko-chan."
"Come along, Tofu-sensei, mustn't keep him waiting any
longer."
"Will you look at me?" He trailed after her and grabbed her
by the shoulders, forcing her to spin around and face him.
"Okay, I made a mistake once - I screwed up! Oh, yes, did I
ever screw up! But that's over with! I don't even want to be
in the same *country* with her! I want to be with you!"
Ranko took a deep breath and was silent for several seconds.
"I just need to think."
He nodded, his expression no expression at all. "Just
remember: my past is not going to interfere with how I feel
about you."
She nodded back, biting her lip. Who knew this would make
her uncomfortable at all? She was used to others having
these emotions - jealousy, fear, inadequacy. She had no
idea she would ever experience these things herself.
<His ex-girlfriend wears vinyl panties ... Good Gods, how
can I measure up to *that*?!>
Both entered the room occupied by the being that previously
inhabited the former Pantyhose Taro.
"Good morning," Tofu announced.
The monster-now-in-human-form turned his head slightly to
gaze at the doctor and his receptionist. A low growl
emmanated from his throat.
"Glad you are feeling better today. Can I loosen the
bridle enough for you to speak if you are able to?"
He nodded dociley while growling.
"Good. Ko-chan, please have the tranquilizers ready."
"What dosage, Ono?"
"Nerima Wrecking Crew Strength."
The doctor sat next to the boy-monster and held his gaze for
a long moment. A simple form of hypnosis would at least
make him more agreeable for speaking.
After the front muzzle had been disengaged, the intelligent
yeti brain was able to correspond thought to words at last:
"I'm going to feast on your innards."
"Tut-tut," Tofu chided. "Not now, sir. We have many things
to discuss first."
"Call me Pantyhose, sorceror."
"Why Pantyhose?" Ranko asked.
"Because *he* hates that name," the monster chuckled.
Ranko thanked the Gods yet again that she and Ranma never
became this way.
"Pantyhose ... " the doctor began. "I am in need of your
assistance in studying the Jusenkyo Curses - "
"Dry up and die, sorceror."
Ranko sighed, "Why don't we just let Nabiki sell him to the
zoo? She promised us a half-percent cut."
"Divided between all of us, of course."
"Get me out of here."
"Nothing doing," Tofu replied.
"You made a mistake, sorceror." A hand reached up and
enveloped the physician's throat. "The bridle has to be
completely on me to immobilize me."
"GWAAAAAK!!!"
Ranko slammed the syringe into the boy-monster's thigh, but
found herself slammed into the wall as he back-handed her
away. He tore the rest of the bridle off and tossed the
asphyxiated doctor on top of her.
"I hate long good-byes ... " he stated, crashing through a
window and somersaulting down to the street.
"Ono! You - "
Her sentence was cut off as a telephone pole slammed through
the roof, causing the structure to collapse on them.
Pantyhose ran silently through the alleys of Nerima in a
clean escape.