Hi All! I have been reading on here for a long time and I thought
it's time
for me to send in my 7 1/2 cents. I have read some Ranma/Gargoyles
crossovers, but I am taking a different approach. ( I hope). C&C is
vastly
appreciated!
Here it comes, then.
<snip>
Prologue--Once upon a time...--
Ack.
Ranma was happy. For once in his life he could say he was truly
happy. He
turned from looking out at the backyard and spoke to the other person
in the
room.
If I were you, I'd skip the first sentence entirely, and just go
with 'For once in his life ...'
"Hey, Akane. Do you want to go get some ice cream?" He gave her a
little
smile. "I'll even buy."
Akane looked up from the book she was reading. She glanced at Ranma,
raised
her eyebrow and asked, "What's the occasion? Are they giving away
free ice
cream to people who bring in uncute tomboys?" Ranma blushed and
closed his
eyes, smiling.
"Nope. I'm just glad that school is finally over with. It's a
beautiful day
outside and Pops an' Mr. Tendo have been layin' off our backs about
getting
married. That's reason enough to celebrate." Akane closed her book
and
nodded in agreement. "I am really glad about that last part.
Although, they
have been too quiet lately. Maybe they are up to something?" Ranma
shrugged.
"I hope not. I like the peace and quiet. So you want to go?" Akane
got up
and started off to her room. "Yeah, that's sounds like a good idea.
I'll be
right back."
Well, you started out fairly well, but you need to remember to use
paragraphs. Whenever a different character speaks, you need to start
a new paragraph. From the above section:
"Nope. I'm just glad that school is finally over with. It's a
beautiful day outside and Pops an' Mr. Tendo have been layin' off our
backs about getting married. That's reason enough to celebrate."
Akane closed her book and nodded in agreement. "I am really glad
about that last part. Although, they have been too quiet lately.
Maybe they are up to something?"
Ranma shrugged. "I hope not. I like the peace and quiet. So,
you want to go?"
Akane got up and started off to her room. "Yeah, that sounds like
a good idea. I'll be right back."
Akane thought back to the past couple of months. Since that botched
wedding
attempt, the name-calling and quarrels have gone down to a bare
minimum. Now
when they called each other names, it sounded like friendly teasing.
'I
really like this Ranma. We are getting along so well now. I hope it
stays
this way.' But before she could walk out of the living room, her
father and
Genma burst in with the morning mail.
Ech. Well, that went too fast. Honestly, I'd redo this so that
you lead into it slower. While the premise, as cliche as it is,
works, you're jumping into it too fast.
"Ranma, Akane, come quick! You have mail from China!" Ranma snatched
the
open letter from his father's hand. "Gee Pops, I didn't know the
letter was
addressed to you. Whatcha reading my mail for?" Genma just smiled
and
sputtered with his hand behind his head. "Umm...ha ha...Just read
what it
says. I think you'll be excited about it." The two fathers started
to hug
each other and go into a happy dance.
Ranma just sneered at him and started reading the letter. As he got
further
down the page, his eyes got bigger. "Woo hoo! All right" Ranma
threw the
letter in the air and jumped around the living room, doing
handsprings and
cartwheels. Akane grabbed the letter out of the air and gave Ranma a
puzzled
look. "So I take it this is good news?" She started reading it and
her eyes
got round. "Oh my gosh! This is from the Jusenkyo guide's daughter,
Plum.
She says that the springs have refilled...and she has found the
location of
Nannichuan? That's great news Ranma! Congratulations." She beamed
at Ranma
and handed him the letter back.
Seems rather... convenient. I think a better way to go about it
would be to, say, have one of the other cursed characters show up
uncursed. Mousse, maybe? Or Shampoo, free of her cat form and thus,
more confident of snaring Ranma? A letter from the Guide's daughter
just seems too... I dunno, easy.
"Yes, congratulations, Ranma. Now all you have to do is go to China
and get
the water." Kasumi said as she came in from the kitchen. Nabiki
came down
>from her room and drawled, "Yes, Ranma, but answer me this one. How
are you
going to get there?"
Ranma stopped jumping around and looked downtrodden. "Yeah, how am I
going
to get to China? I don't have enough money to get a bus ticket,
certainly
not near enough to buy a ticket to China." The two fathers looked up
from
their happy dance and looked at each other, and looked back to Ranma.
"Son,
we have been saving money, planning for another wedding." The engaged
pair
looked at each other and shook their heads. Soun cleared his throat,
"But in
light of this happy news, we think that the money could go to other
sources."
Both Soun and Genma smiled. "Consider this an early wedding
present."
"Which would be..."
"How about two tickets to China to get some water?"
"Alright! Thanks, Pops, Mr. Tendo! Now I can get cured!" Ranma
looked at
the fathers, with their smiles still plastered on their faces. "Hey,
waitaminute, you said two tickets; I only need one. Who's the other
one for?"
Lessee... since it's the fathers, it's either:
A: Genma's going along, to un-panda-fy himself; or
B: Akane's going along to take care of her fiance.
Genma opened his mouth to respond, but not before the front door
burst open
and in came Ryouga and Ukyou. "Ranchan! That's great news! Surely,
you want
to take you cute fiancee along?" "Ranma! How dare you think of
looking for
a cure without thinking of me first!" "Of course you are going to
take your
true fiancee along, son! It's only proper she come along and share
your
joy." Everyone started to argue their own point of going to China
with
Ranma, but shut up and looked startled when Akane spoke up.
"Ryouga, why are you interested in the Nannichuan?"
Heh. He's pork roast. :)
Ryouga looked up at Akane's confused face, blushed and stuttered,
"Um, hi
Akane...Um well, you see, I..uh...want to be sure Ranma doesn't screw
this up
for the other cursed people out there, for Mousse and Mr. Saotome,
yeah,
that's the ticket!" Kasumi smiled at Ryouga and said to him, "That's
so
thoughtful of you Ryouga. What a considerate friend!" "Um, yeah,
that's it,
yeah friend." Ukyou giggled off on the side and turned to Ranma.
"Who are
you going to take Ranchan? Have you decided?"
Before Ranma could stick his foot in his mouth, Genma answered for
him.
"Ranma will be taking Akane, and that's the final decision." Akane
was
trying to insert her opinion in the entire discussion, but kept
getting cut
off. She started to get red in the face and spat out, "Don't I get a
say on
if I want to go to China with that pervert? Shouldn't I be asked?"
Ranma
added, "And who says I want to bring that sexless brick with me,
anyway?"
Both Ranma and Akane looked at each other, surprised. They haven't
been that
vehement around each other in a while.
Gotta watch the tense. Last sentence should read:
They hadn't been that vehemenent around each other in a while.
Since the rest of your fic is in past-tense, you should either
stick to it or only switch tenses when you switch scenes.
Soun butted in before things got messy. "There will be no complaints
from
either of you. I am buying the tickets, and I say who will be using
them."
"Well put Tendo." "Thank you Saotome." Both burst into tears.
"Finally the
schools will be united! This is a glorious day!"
Um... not that it's not easily within either of the fathers
systems of logic, but... how, exactly, does this unite the schools?
Ranma scoffed at the sniveling idiots and turned away. Akane got out
her
"Mallet 'O Chi" and started to pummel the two crybabies. "Daddy no
baka!"
Argh. Ok, I gotta argue this one. You've been keeping a rather
serious tone (as befits a Gargoyles crossover/fusion) throughout. For
a serious fic, you shouldn't refer to stuff in ways that the
characters wouldn't. I seriously doubt that Akane thinks of her
mallet as a "Mallet 'O Chi". Besides which, it's pretty well
established that she has no real chi control beyond a battle aura when
she gets pissed. :)
Also, the whole 'Akane and her mallet' bit is almost entirely a
fanfic cliche. Only RARELY in the anime or manga does she use one;
since you said earlier that this was based after the wedding, I'm
assuming that you're using manga continuity. I don't have all of
them, but I've only seen her use a mallet - and a small one, at that -
once in all the manga volumes I have.
Finally, I highly doubt she'd smack her father. She MIGHT call
him a baka, but I don't think she'd smack him.
This section right here really ruins the fic for me, honestly.
What with the whole convenient setup, then this...
Ukyou turned back to Ranma. "Would you mind me coming along Ranma?
I have
been planning on having a vacation from 'Ucchans' for a while, and
China
sounds like a good idea. What do you say?" Ukyou thought to
herself: 'This
way I can keep my on Akane and Ranchan from getting too close. Hey
waitaminute, I could bring Ryouga along, too. He'll keep Akane
occupied and
I'll have Ranchan all to myself!' "Hey Ryouga." Ryouga looked up at
Ukyou.
"Yeah?" "How about you coning along too? I'll help pay for your
ticket."
Ack. Again, WAY too convenient. Why would she bother asking if
he minds? If she's going to pay her own way, they why doesn't she
just wait until they're gone and follow?
Ryouga looked confused. "Why would you want me to go along Ukyou?"
Ukyou
pulled him off to the side. "Don't you want to go to China? Isn't
that why
you are here? If you go, you'll be able to get the Nannichuan water
firsthand and get to make sure Akane doesn't get to close to my
Ranchan.
It'll be a perfect time to tell her your feelings."
Aside where? I thought they were in the Tendo home.
Ryouga brightened up at that last part. "Yeah, that's a great idea,
Ukyou.
I think I will come along." 'Finally,' Ryouga thought, 'I'll be able
to be a
full man for Akane and put Ranma in his place for good.' Ryouga
spoke up
with tears flowing down his cheeks, "Ranma, I'll be coming along with
Ukyou,
she, um..needs company! And I still need to make sure you don't
screw up
with the water."
Ranma glowered at Ryouga and sighed. "I guess we need to make
reservations
and let Plum know and to prepare for the four of us coming soon.
Jusenkyo
here we come!"
suggest: Jusenkyo, here we come!
After a few phone calls and credit card numbers exchanged, eight
people stood
in the airport lobby waiting for Flight 453, Tokyo to Jusenkyo to be
boarded.
<Flight 453 is ready to be boarded. All passengers be ready at Gate
13.>
Ranma turned to the non-passengers, "All right, this is it. We're
ready to
go. We'll see you guys when we get back from China."
"Oh my baby is standing so proudly with her fiance! Waaah, I'm so
proud!"
"Here, Akane, I packed a snack for all four of you for on the plane.
I hope
you all have a nice trip."
"Daddy, shut up! Thank you, Kasumi. We appreciate it."
"Now, Ranma, don't forget to bring enough water back for the rest of
us
cursed. Don't screw this one up, boy!"
"Mr. Saotome, that's what Ukyou and I are here for. We will make
sure Ranma
remembers everything."
"Bring me back a souvenir!"
Finally the Jusenkyo-bound crew made it into the plane and were on
their way
to China. On the plane already, in First Class, was another set of
passengers, headed to the same spot as the Nerima group.
"Owen, what time will be arriving in China?"
"Not for several hours, sir. Did you want to make a phone call to
Ishimura
to let the gargoyles know when and where they can reach you in case
of an
emergency?"
"Why don't you do that Owen, and I'll call home and let Goliath and
the
others know of our detour. We will only be there for several hours.
I think
Brooklyn and the others in Ishimura can handle another day visiting,
don't
you think Owen?"
Proper names in dialogue need to be offset by commas, like so:
"Why don't you do that, Owen, and I'll ..."
and
"... another day visiting, don't you think, Owen?"
"I think they can, Mr. Xanatos. I'll get on that right away."
Good? Bad? Horrendous? Phantasmagoric? Tell me!
phowah@cs.com
Thanks!
Um... well.
It has promise, I guess - you haven't even begun to show us what's
going on with the gargoyles, much less why the last two were on this
flight... which is something that you REALLY need to to, IMO.
Spelling was good, throughout. I didn't notice glaring errors,
anyway.
I think your biggest problem is, you really need to make the plot
apparent. This is the first chapter; it needs to hook us, to make us
want to read the rest. Right now, all I see is a bunch of characters
heading to China... rather conveniently, at that. If you had
introduced a new character, I'd say this was a self-insert. :)
I'd work on the areas I pointed out, and flesh this out a bit.
I'd also rethink the whole Ukyo/Ryoga thing - sure, they should
probably accompany the rest, but why on Earth would they bother
asking? Why let the others know they intend to go along, until it's
too late?
That, I think, is partially what I don't like about this fic. No
action. No conflict. It needs SOMETHING, or it's boring.
Just my opinions,
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org