Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
"Very nice," Shukumaru murmured to her dining companion.
He did not answer, having been silent for much of the
evening. But he made for a good listener, as were all the
dead.
It all started with an innocent enough request. "Shukie, I'm dying to
have dinner with you...."
The tender portion of the hiker was still fresh and
slightly salty. There was little fat, typical in the
Japanese, and years of constant exercise in the mountains
had firmed the flesh nicely. Shukumaru cracked the
thighbone and sucked out the rich marrow with relish.
GARY: Relish? Shouldn't that be eaten on a hot dog?
SHU: There wasn't a dog with him. Just the hiker.
Rashomon, deep in the Hiei Mountains, was a small village
and home to a minor legend: the infamous Demon of Rashomon.
That particular demon had been slain during the Muromachi
Period by a valiant samurai, but the region retained its
affinity for attracting demons of note.
Three uses of "demon" here... is there any synonym you could use?
"So, Shukumaru, it has been a week since you arrived at
Rashomon. What are your plans?" She was gracefully direct,
yet bloodlust shone in gray eyes that pierced the morning
gloom. At a banquet given to honour the Western ambassador,
a minor demon noble had once described Lady Ishiki as
cordially vicious; a description that had summed up her
personality rather well, actually, but since he had the
misfortune to be drunk at the time and had spoken far too
loudly, he had lived just long enough to realize how apt a
portrayal it had been.
This sentence doesn't read quite right to me; too many clauses, and I
don't think it's connected quite right.
"I do see, Mother." It shouldn't have mattered to her, but
Shukumaru felt her very blood boil at the latest wound
tearing her spirit. Acidic venom dripped from her hand to
fall hissing on the soil. Calm, she needed to keep calm.
Suggest 'Calm; she' (avoid the run-on)
Lady Ishiki merely nodded and did not deign to further
respond to one so far beneath her on the hierarchy of
demons. She adjusted her kimono and contrived to look bored
and uninterested.
Don't those two words mean exactly the same thing? :)
'Hikaru Gosunkugi, aged eighteen, perished last night
after an explosion in his apartment. The resultant fire was
kept confined by the quick actions of the Aoyama Fire
Department, and no other residents of the apartment complex
were injured. The high school student was believed to have
returned from the wedding of his older brother that very
night. His family was devastated by his sudden loss and
remains in seclusion. Fire officials and police suspect a
gas leak may have been the cause of the explosion. He was
respected by his peers and teachers as an excellent
student.'
"According to an unconfirmed report, his last words were
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Bah! What do I care? As if Yami-no-Tsume is ever around
to overhear us these days? Or rather Ansou, as he's calling
himself now. He can screw that little piece of fluff every
which way he wants, just so long as it keeps him out of my
mane." The oni chuckled at his own crude humour. "In fact,
the Ice Bitch herself will be royally pissed off at the
news. I'd love to see the sparks fly when she gets ba--
Urk!" A powerful yet perfectly dainty claw clamped down on
his thick throat, cutting off both his words and air.
"Indeed, so why don't you tell me yourself?" Shukumaru
asked in a voice that could have grated stone.
"Er... did I say 'Ice Bitch?' I meant NICE Bitch!"
Her shield was barely up when the front door opened. The
young woman who appeared was fairly attractive, Shukumaru
acknowledged; just out of her teenage years. She had pearly-
white skin, distinctive features, and long black hair that
curled ever so slightly. Still, those alone would hardly
have attracted her father. Only one thing would draw him
so, and Shukumaru remembered the overheard conversation
between him and the Old Woman.
"She's got HUUUUUUGE..."
A son, that was what drew
him.
"... ovaries. Yeah, that's it!"
"Ansou-san, I must thank you again for what you
accomplished on my behalf with the city council. Without
your help, I would never have known what to do. Why my
house might have been lost to those greedy contractors."
She flashed a bright smile at the man standing next to her.
"It would have torn my heart to see my family home torn
down for apartments. I am in your debt."
Two "torn"s here... I imagine "torn apart" is what would've happened to
the council had they refused "Ansou." :)
Shukumaru tried not to feel sickened but failed. Morbid
humour and distaste turned her mind liquid, until she could
almost see the shimmering pulse of anger that threaten to
threatened
Nodoka looked somewhat torn between humour and annoyance.
She smiled faintly and politely introduced the two men.
"Makizoku Ansou, meet Genma Moroboshi."
Heh. You've gotta admit, Genma's not the lecher that cousin Ataru is. :)
Besides, as Anand Rao has shown, Ataru would've made a much better
student for Happy. :)
They gathered in a private room at the ryokan owned by
Lord Niwatori, a powerful demon inflicted with an
unfortunate name.
"He's everywhere! He's everywhere!"
(If anyone out there gets THIS reference, I'll be impressed.)
The hawk-headed oni lord was in his
natural form tonight as were the other guests, and his
powerful beak snapped up glistening red servings of raw
flesh and desperately flopping, still living, silver-scaled
fish. Niwatori was a proud demon who had overcome the
derogatory comments made concerning his name - usually by
killing those who commented
Eep!
It was time, and past time, to claim all that was
rightfully hers. She raised her glass of wine high into the
air and admired the sparkling red vintage that so resembled
blood.
"To change!" Shukumaru toasted.
"And when the attack starts, we shall give no quarter!"
Great stuff, as always. Shu continues toward becoming one of the most
interesting villains we've seen in fanfic in a long time. I'm curious to
see what Ranma's been up to during this extended flashback.
Keep 'em coming! :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html