Superlative style, as usual. Good, convincing characterization.
I sense some confusion on theme, though. You seem to
dance past several, without either really relating them
to each other or settling on one.
(Dissecting this story was hard; it resisted [per Damon
Knight, one sign of a good story]. I've had to rearrange
my clips somewhat to make certain points.)
A new Ranma one-shot from me after... at least a year.
The last I remember was 'Dies Irae'. You should do more
of these.
Ukyou Kuonji, lately bereft, well-used to bereavement, stood
before a new grave amidst old graves.
We can always count on you for a good, jolting, first sentence.
Gentle they were, peaceful, with slow-growing spans between,
until the span became eternal. Konatsu never woke up; she wished
he had, and was somehow glad he hadn't.
More nice style.
it was supposed to be, not on the day you buried your husband;
the occasion called for grey clouds, black clouds, and rain
falling down as though in mutual mourning.
The heavens don't weep for Konatsu, I see... Though the effect
of nice weather on Ukyou is interesting, it's kind of momentary.
If you want nice weather, you might consider referring back to
the sun shining as Soun and Ukyou leave the cemetary.
On the other hand, bad weather would work better for other
themes.
she hadn't been here since before Konatsu got sick. Even before
then, what she'd vowed would be a monthly visit had become a
yearly one, and finally an occasional one when the thought struck
her.
<clip>
Twenty when he died. She and Konatsu had been married less
than two years. She read about it in the paper, and went to see
him at the hospital. Why? She couldn't understand it entirely
herself; he'd never been anything but a nuisance to her.
Minor plausibility problem here. Monthly grave visits to someone
she hadn't even seen in perhaps 3-4 years?
I can sympathize with your desire to discuss what Tsubasa was to
Ukyou in this story (given certain apparently-widespread
misconceptions on this), but it might have worked better to have
another character accidentally remind Ukyou of Tsubasa. A child
or other relative of Tsubasa's, perhaps, who came to the funeral
after reading about Ukyou in Tsubasa's diary. Having Ukyou recall
Tsubasa only with difficulty might have worked better (at least
for _this_ aim; you may have another [see below]).
That was how he died, after all. There had always been the
undertone that he wasn't entirely innocent, not simply in the
wrong place in the wrong time.
<clip>
Oh, there was debate, of course; was it a hate crime, or
wasn't it?
<clip>
She'd hated his parents; heartlessly conservative, they'd
seen their oldest son as a shameful aberration. Death gave them
an affection for him they'd never had in life; once he'd hit
eighteen, and it had become clear that it wasn't something he was
going to grow out of, they'd thrown him out of the house. Tough
love, they'd probably called it.
Here you seem to dance with the theme of intolerance...
But they're caught all the same, all three of them. Life
sentences. Ukyou saw their faces in the paper; she couldn't
stand to go to the trial. They didn't look like murderers should
look; young, clean-cut. University students, all of them.
And here you touch on the surprises life hands all of us,
generalizing this theme from the deaths of spouses.
She traced the kanji of Tsubasa's name on the plaque with
her fingers. What if, after finding out he'd known all along she
was a girl, she'd reached out to him, instead of pushing him
away? Hadn't he only been another lost one like her, trying to
be something he couldn't, craving affection?
And here we have a theme of 'what if?' While this theme can
be related to your others, you don't; you just throw it out.
It's not automatically related: 'what if?' games can be taken
as the opposite of 'life goes on', without reference to
renewed resolution to live life so that there won't be 'what
if?'s in the future.
His thin, papery hand touched her wrist. "Let me talk
first. I know what you're thinking right now; you're thinking,
how dare this old man intrude on my grief when I said I wanted to
be alone. Am I right?"
"Well..."
"Am I?"
She nodded, though unwillingly.
Minor conflict with her own expressed thought that she ought to
talk with Soun, at the beginning of the story.
"It's natural. It's all natural. When my wife died, you know, I
spent a lot of time thinking, how can I go on without her? And
after Genma died, I thought, how can I go on without my oldest
friend? But you go on, you know; somehow, you go on."
Back to the surprises life hands you.
left to cling to. What do I have? Memories? What are memories.
Need a question mark at the end of this line.
certain problems that needed to be fixed. I finally got around
to making those fixes this morning, catalysed (I am somewhat
embarassed to say) by reading Michael Rhea's latest post to RAAC.
Anyone familiar with his stories should be able to guess why.
Ah, a catalyst to demonstrate that Ukyou could be happy with Konatsu?
Well, it worked.
However, as a catalyst to discuss the differences between Konatsu
and Tsubasa: this story may not have been the right vehicle. Then
again, those who _need_ such a discussion wouldn't be convinced
anyway.
Anyway, a good mood story, nicely told. I think the potential
is here to have something really exquisite, though, if you
think through your theme some more. You might end up with
something approaching the effect of the greatest eclogue poems.
Alternatively, if you are striving for an impressionistic
rendering of the thoughts a real mourner might have run through
their mind, I'd suggest a more impressionistic style.