In a message dated 2/2/00 8:36:32 PM Eastern Standard Time,
master_l_@yahoo.com writes:
I'm sure it WOULDN'T make the story more enjoyable if
we already know it's going to happen.
You might also want to put your notes at the end, so
readers can get right to the story and ignore your
thoughts and feelings when their done.
:)
Oooh struck a cored did I? ::tisk::tisk:: They can skip through my
thoughts and feelings whether there at the bottom or top of the e-mail. It's
all a matter of clicking the mouse.
> "You pervert! Come back here!!" Happousai sprinted
Only one exclamation mark needed at the end there.
Those are done for effect. Putting things in caps to indentify a
character is screaming looks ugly.
> aforementioned pig-trailed martial artist.
If P-chan has been following Ranma around, you should
probably tell the readers in a more obvious way.
Hee Hee. This would be a good time to thank you for catching my typos and
spelling errors. I appreciate it.
Since you have Daisuke shrugging before, it might make
it flow better if you take out 'Daisuke said.'
Good point. Thank you
> Shampoo's expression hardened
> and she jumped from her bike, landing in a battle
> position, her bonburi
> suddenly present.
Maybe you could break this up in a different format,
so the action doesn't seem so awkward.
suggest:
Shampoo leapt from her bike, immediately landing in a
battle position. Her face hardened into a grim
expression as she drew her bonburi.
That does seem a bit stiff. I'll work on it. Thanks
>
> "Shai shen. . .Mousse." She whispered with a
Would that be different than 'Shei shie'?
Yes. I got this list of chinese says off a website somewhere. This was
reported to mean Good-bye. Though I'm not exactly sure how correct it is. ;)
> "Let me get this straight. Theres a new girl in
There's
> Nerima." Daisuke said.
> Hiroshi nodded.
>
> "Right."
>
> "And she's not out to kill Ranma?" Daisuke asked.
> Hiroshi shook his head.
>
> "Nope."
>
> "And she's not here to marry Ranma??" Again Hiroshi
> shook his head.
Wasn't he there, or am I missing something?
Yes, but he's confirming the unbelievable. Someone who isn't madly in
love with/trying to kill Ranma Saotome.
This is what I don't understand: Why can't she just
speak Chinese? She HAS to know their Chinese if she
knew Shampoo by name. She's also spoken Chinese to him
before ('Ni Hao' 'Shei shei' etc.), so why can't she
do the same here?
I just didn't want her to. ::grin::
Shampoo if you haven't noticed in the anime, speaks in Japanese at all
times, even when alone with her grandmother. Why shouldn't Mylee do the same?
>
> "Yes, aren't you a lucky girl." Cologne commented,
girl?
I pay attention to speach patterns. Cologne almost always refurs to those
younger than herself as. . .well. . .younger than herself. She often uses
things like 'child' or in this case she's calling Mylee a girl.
> She would never see him for the kind and brave man
> he was. She had to save
> him from a fate worse than death. . .marriage to
> Shampoo.
I dunno, I'm sure there are much worse fates...
It's a matter of opinion. And Mylee's is clouded.
> "Stupid Mousse ruin everything!" Shampoo pouted,
She pouted? At least she could have pouted angrily...
Hey before I had 'she huffed' pouting is better than huffing any day.
>
> Wonderful, not only was Shampoo displeased with him
> again, but the old monkey
That's old _dried up_ monkey to you. =P
Yet another good point ;)
>
> Much to the disappointment of her teacher. He would
> be furious when he found
> out Mousse had not beaten her. If only she could
> find a way to marry Mousse
> before her master followed her here from China. . .
You might want to mention why her master will follow
her. Has she been away for too long already? Does she
think she's going to be away long enough for her
master to get impatient?
Good point and reasonable questions. However for now I'm trying to keep
her master in the realm of mysteries and shadows until he comes into town
with a big bang.
> And with that Ranma Saotome set out for the Cat
> Café, determination in his
> blue eyes.
This seems a lot like another story. One by Rumiko
Takahashi as a matter of fact. You might want to
switch to a different angle in this, as it resembles
the Reversal Jewel arc a little too much.
Actually Takahashi has touched on that plotline lots of times. Once with
the Reversal Jewel, once with the entrance of Tsubasa. And yet again when
Kuno was switched his attentions to Nabiki (very briefly after being told he
was destined for her). So it's been proven that Ranma doesn't like it when
he's being ignored. I like that little twist.
This is actually interesting. I'd like to see more of
what you mentioned earlier, though.
Hense the baby talk bashing? I think you mentioned that somewhere in
there. I am going to have a lot more of that. However most of it doesn't
happen until Pantyhose Tarou gets into town and he starts bashing away. ;)
What exactly happened with Shampoo and Mylee's fight?
Why did she come to Japan? You make it sound like it
was what she had in mind, and in the end she kind of
throws it away. You kind of alluded to that they were
going to have a battle in the future, but you haven't
really given much of a reason for their not having
duked it out already.
The idea was that Shampoo & Mylee had called a temperary truce since
Mylee has agreed to help Shampoo get Ranma. You don't kill the people on your
side. However I've decided to add that sceme I meantioned earlier and I will
be sure to try and clear up a few of your questions after I revise this. I
will be sending it back to the FFML, but not until the next ep is ready to
send as well. Thanks for your C&C