Vincent Seifert wrote:
The following people have been kind enough to create a page
to host my fanfics, so please take a look:
Vincent Seifert:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/kagami/
I had a look at the reworked webpage you set up for me, Vince, and I was
very impressed. Thanks very much for the effort on my behalf. :)
I'll snip the comments which I agree to (and can't find a sufficiently
dazzling response for :).
for the past few months. She would not miss it. A quick
stroll past the dead holy fire of the main shrine brought
{"Dead holy fire". Nice.}
Thanks. Think of a plague of demons that leaves nothing behind. :)
her outside into the dim morning light of cloud-covered
Fuji-san. "Well, Raijin, I return to you your temple,
Kaminari-jinja. I thank you for the loan," she murmured
sardonically.
believed their positions to be entirely appropriate. It
would hardly do for her to travel in less than complete
style, after all.
{"complete style" jars a bit, as it implies that style has an upper
limit; suggest} in less sumptuous style,
Nods. That scans better.
The litter rose swiftly into the air, borne on the
shoulders of the nine-tailed fox demons, and sped towards
the north. Inside, Shukumaru rested her head against the
warm fur of her companion and remembered a time when white
had yet to become the colour of death.
{Good lord, how old IS she? White's been the color of death for a LONG
time... Sounds like a segue into flashback, though.}
Shukumaru is around fifty. White is the colour of death for most other
people in Japan, but not for her; not at that point in time just yet. Which
means, of course, Flashback!! Yeah! Do the Tango! And the Twist! Oh wait,
that's Flashdance! Oooops. :)
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 7: Shukumaru
---
"I will not marry him!" Shukumaru spat out the words in
outrage.
{Yup, flashback. Take note, people, this is how to do it.}
Thanks! :)
"You will do as I tell you!" Yami-no-Tsume thundered at
his only child: his daughter, who should know better than
to argue with him on this matter. The solution was obvious
to him and seemed perfectly reasonable. Why was she being
so obstinate? "Masakado is perfectly willing to align
himself to us in order to marry you. You should be honoured!"
himself with us {?}
Nod. Quite right, since alliances are between equals. Though Yami-no-Tsume
sees it differently, of course. :)
Shukumaru paled, trembling with deep rage. The claws on
her hands bit into the soft skin of her palm as she curled
her fingers into tight fists. Blood trickled from between
her clenched fists.
{"Fists" twice; suggest altering one.}
I'll change the second one to 'hands'
Yes, Father, Shukumaru thought as she snuck away from the
sneaked {"snuck" is accepted, but does not suit the tone here.}
Heh. I picked this one up in a reread... and then forgot to change it.
thin door. What has the East become? If only you had a son?
Why am I not worthy of assuming your place as Demon Lord?
Masakado only wishes to marry me in order to gain a second
Quarter. Only a fool would grant him the opportunity.
{Yeah, then it'd be a Half, and that's just wrong. Broken symmetry.}
Masakado would be happy to break the symmetry. He wants it all! :)
Dance clubs were the latest fad in Tokyo. With the
migration of Beatles music a decade after the height of
their popularity in the West, the nightlife in the capital
hummed to the tunes of 'A Hard Day's Night' and 'All You
Need is Love'. Club Yellow in the Roppongi district was no
different. Heavy guitar chords and fastpaced cheerful
vocals assaulted Shukumaru as she passed through the door.
{Time cue here: I'm assuming this is mid to late '70s, or 10-20 years
earlier than R1/2, depending on whether you think it started in '86 or
ended in '96... I prefer the former, myself, but I suspect you mean the
latter.}
Yup. It is mid-70s (about '76), and with a nineteen year gap between past
and present, puts the Ranma cast in the '95 zone. Ranma would have arrived
in Nerima in '93 then, allowing for two years for the manga. I would have
preferred setting the date further back myself but I wasn't confident about
remembering crucial dates and events. '86 is a long while back for me. :)
Even with the light earplugs, the music fairly pulsed
against her sensitive ears.
{Ha. A weak point! Someone tell Ranma! :) }
Grin. Ranma suffers from the same weakness! It'd be like a repeat of the
Anti-Woman Scent with Happosai. :)
Shukumaru was dressed
completely in black, highlighting her pale skin and
flawless features.
{Fortunately this is before Goths. :) }
Yay! Shukumaru the Goth Grrrl. :)
Shukumaru turned and smiled welcomingly. Her smile widened
when she saw four street punks standing there instead of
Hikaru. Ahh. An entree course before the main meal. It
appetizer {? in modern parlance, an entree IS part of the main course...
in older usage, it's something served between main courses. Neither
seems to fit here.}
Wak! I meant appetizer, but three-course meals are rare occurences to me, so
I mentally recalled entree instead (remembering my Italian menus there ^_^).
Obviously so. The boy was smiling, eyes dancing with
anticipation. He flickered his fingers in a come hither
come-hither (but suggest) beckoning
He waggled his fingers in a beckoning manner at the thug leader. "Let's get
it on!"
Phil shudders at the potential for misunderstanding inherent in that
dramatic alteration. :) Joke aside, I'll change it to 'beckoning' without
all the other changes. :)
fashion at the thug leader. "Let's rock and roll!"
"Fool! I don't know who you think you are, but you'll
regret stepping on the territory of the Roppongi Scorpions!
I, Hatamei Hanzai, swear it!" the lead punk exclaimed.
{heh. Cute.}
Yup. The stereotypic punks take a pounding.
Hikaru turned back to receive a knuckle duster in the
mouth, spinning him about, spitting blood. He stumbled
{suggest} mouth which spun him about, spitting
Nice suggestion. Will alter.
"I'm a martial artist," Hikaru replied as though that
explained it all.
{ Well, it DOES! :) These punks are a bit more lively than most, but I
can't help sighing at the appearance of a bunch of stereotype
spear-carriers whose sole purpose is to allow the hero (?) to display
his valor. The redeeming feature here was that Shukumaru was too. :) }
Yeah, I know. I was sooo tempted to let Shukumaru munch them all when I
wrote the scene. Just blame it on a distinct lack of imagination on my part.
:)
I have always hated martial artists since, Shukumaru
realized with a pang.
{hehe!}
Yup, she hates Ranma for more than one reason. :)
Somehow, he had wormed a contact number from her before she
left, and had called her the next day.
{ O_o Demons have phone numbers? Is this an AMG crossover? :) }
Well, Shukumaru does live in an apartment complex that is Yami-no-Tsume's
HQ, so I took it that there would be normal utilities and such. :)
As for a crossover with AMG, well, these are modern demons, after all. No
Gods and Goddesses just yet though. :)
The aged crone was pouring over an ancient dust-covered
poring
I knew it looked kind of funny when I wrote it. :)
provide me with issue. Male issue," the Demon Lord of the
East clarified. "I have conjoined with dozens of willing
female demons, and not one has given me a male child. Only
my wife has provided me with a child, but that was a
daughter.
{"Only" doesn't parse, if I understand what he's trying to say. Suggest}
Even my wife has only provided me with a daughter.
Nod. That is much better. Thanks, Vince.
I want a son! An heir to carry on my great name
and sit upon the Eastern Throne!"
She really would kill him the next time she saw him. A yell
saved her from committing mass mayhem on the innocent girl.
{can't be "mass" if there's only one target. :) "massive", perhaps?}
Heh. Ooops.
"Hold on!" Hikaru cried out as he charged out of the large
inner doors. He hastily adjusted his hakama as he slid to a
stop next to them. "She's with me, Yumi. Go and pester
someone else for a change," he said, waving the girl off.
{How Nabiki-esque. :) }
Yumi-san [sigh]: Oh, Nabiki-sama, you're my role-model!
Nabiki [shudders]: Heh! I'm not into that! Shoo! Let go!
It was in that manner that Shukumaru was introduced to
Hiro Gosunkugi and his bride, Shura.
{ <piku> Gosunkugi? I wonder if our Gos was named after his uncle? They
don't seem to have much in common... but you wouldn't have done this if
you didn't have something in mind. I hope it's not the obvious: it's
very difficult to accept Gos as a competent sorcerer, i.e. able to
contrive any sort of link, even as annoyance, to a real demon...}
Heh. I wanted to ask you whether there is a story that portrays Gos' parents
in any fashion at all? If there is, could you tell me what the Ranmascan ref
is? I'll have to check it out to see if I need to change anything.
Of course I have something in mind, Vince. :)
But nothing that will impinge on the current storyline for another 6
chapters. As for Gos being a competent sorcerer, well, certainly not, but he
does make a good story foil. :)
"That isn't fair, onii-san!" Hikaru hotly protested.
Onii-san!"
"Shukumaru's the most beautiful girl to me!"
"Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who doesn't already know,"
Hiro said smiling. "I'm Hiro, and this is Shura. Thank you
{Which brings up a point: one doesn't use honorifics when referring to
oneself, but I believe one does when introducing others. "Shura-san"
might be overly formal, but safer than "Shura" (which might get the
wedding delayed for apologies) or "Shura-chan"... depends on their
relationship, I suppose.}
Good point. I forgot about this when I was writing it. (Worrying too much
about whether I had included all the -samas when necessary ^_^)
I'll go with -chan to make it clearer for readers who might be confused over
why a groom/husband might introduce his bride/wife with a -san.
for coming with this idiotic brother of mine. It's nice to
meet you." He and Shura politely bowed, and Shukumaru
reciprocated the gesture.
They were a young couple by mortal standards, barely out
of their teens. Hikaru's older brother was studying to be a
photographer while Shura was pursuing a position as a
librarian. The Gosunkugis were obviously a wealthy family
since Hiro was marrying early, without first establishing a
career. Hikaru certainly had no problems spending money on
her.
{Noticed that.}
Yup. Fukuzushi costs 10,000Yen a head for sushi. :)
The wedding ceremony was solemn but delightfully brief,
interrupted only by frequent toasts by guests to the bride
and groom. A Shinto priest blessed the couple with various
prayers and incantations, while offerings of food were
presented on an altar. Fortunately, none of the chants were
demon-specific, nor were they directed at her, Shukumaru
noted with relief.
{Was wondering about that. Rats. :) }
Grin. It was actually a last minute addition to the para. :)
of hearty cheers from family and friends. Shukumaru
wondered if all Shinto weddings were as boisterous as this
one, or if it was merely Hikaru's family that partied so
well. She drank far too much, and Hikaru was more than
moderately drunk by the time they staggered out of the
reception. They stood there, holding hands and drinking in
the evening air to clear their alcohol-fogged brains.
{Hair of the fog? :) }
Ahhh! Vince, you've been talking too much to Gary! :)
Rage and grief overwhelmed her, and she screamed her
anguish into the uncaring night.
{Very IY in tone, that scene. Applause.}
Nods. IY influenced me a lot for this chapter since there were no Ranma
characters about to keep IC and track of. I was worried that readers might
be offended at the scene, which is why I added the warning, but no one seems
to have been too worried.
Shukumaru flung the doors open and strode into the throne
room of Yami-no-Tsume, Demon Lord of the East and her
father. Demons of all shapes and sizes lined the path
before the Eastern Throne as Yami-no-Tsume sat in audience.
Powerful oni, chattering fish-like kappa, laughing kitsune,
{I think of kappa as more turtle-like, myself; they have legs, not
fins.}
Too many non-Japanese references to kappas on my part, I think. I took their
appearance from old adventuring books and other sources which weren't all
that accurate. :)
mother-of-pearl and tomb jade. Yet the culture and
refinement was merely a thin veneer of civilization over
the horrific lusts that welled up in every demon's
corrupted essence.
{I can't help thinking of Ranma in this context, of course.}
Though Ranma, like Inu-Yasha, is half-demon, and thus, might have a soul. :)
excuse me, I believe I will travel to Rashamon and visit
Mother."
{Rashamon? Heh.}
I think I might have spelled it wrong as well: Rashomon, maybe?
The tone here is more IY than R1/2, and that's fitting. This is almost a
side story, but not quite, because it sheds light on some characters,
and this will feed back into the main story. Nicely integrated, I must
say, and the tale itself is gripping... partially because it raises many
questions.
Nod. It's a back story, designed for character depth and a glimpse into
Shukumaru's nature and personality. Hopefully, some of the questions raised
will be answered in the next chapter which will conclude this little piece
of history.
I will suggest finding a Japanese reading for the name of the "Old
Woman" and using that instead; you do everywhere else.
Nod. O-baba, perhaps?
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thanks for the excellent comments and corrections, Vince. I appreciate your
time and effort.
Phil.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.