Okay, I'll try this again since some people couldn't read it.
I don't think anyone could actually. I just got garbage.
-- - - - - - - - - - -
Disclaimer: I claim that I have never before forgotten diclaimers.
...and that the characters in this story aren’t mine but really somebody
elses.
- Ranma - A tapestry in the night-
^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^
By the water
and the wind
and the trees by the lake,
I hereby declare Kuno a flake!
...I wonder if he'll get it?
I'm not entirely sure on what your trying to get across here. You wonder
if Kuno will realize he is a flake? Not bloody likely.
^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^
Have you ever seen the stars on a winter night? Seen the way they glow
brighter than before? If you have, you would know exactly what Ikyo would
be about to see right now.
There would be one big difference though. You wouldn't have seen a light
detach itself from the moon and fall into the yard where you'd be standing.
Not that it hit the yard or anything. Heavens no. This was not a spacecraft.
Just, a light. Nothing more.
Although...
For being just, "a light", it was a bit unusual. It would not have a source
and when it would disappear, it would leave behind people. Well, two
people and a pig, but that goes without saying right?
Look! There it goes.
Good introduction, even if I don't know who Ikyo is. The only things I
can find fault with are the fact that you don't use tabs in the beginnings
of your paragraphs, and you don't use two spaces after a period. No big
deal, but it does make things look better. There are also a few grammer
problems that I've spotted, but nothing too serious.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
A man dressed only in purple sat in his comfychair staring straight into the
smouldering remnants of a fire that he had made in his fireplace.
-It seems that I will not be left alone.
He rose from from the chair and sighed. With a look the fire was
completely dead. A purple coat snaked it's way up his back and settled
comfortably on his shoulders.
-I do believe that I should pay someone a visit.
With a chuckle, he walked out a door that wasn't.
Maybe use quotes instead of hyphens to show speech or thought.
A man dressed in purple sat in his chair staring straight into
the leftover smouldering remnants of a fire that once burned in his
fireplace.
"It seems that I will not be left alone."
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Inside the tendo house, a little creature stirred. It sensed something in
the
air. Vibrations or smell, who can really tell. Certainly not I. In any case
it
doesn't matter. What matters is that Hayai-ohki did sense something. Of
some importance was also the fact that she reacted to it.
She jumped out the bedroom window of Ranmas and Genmas room, since
she had been sleeping there, and sniffed the air cautiously.
Then she sat back on her haunches and stared up eagerly into the sky.
Some major proofreading is required right here. Also, the story is
becoming disjointed with all of the scene changes that are taking place.
This specific scene might be better placed further down in the story where
it can cleanly flow into the next part, instead of standalone like it is
now.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Genma and Soun where lying on the floor, Soun ontop of Genma.
Neither of them moved a muscle. Nor did they want to, they were way to
exhausted. Suddenly Genma spoke up.
Hah, I assume that this little situation is the aftermath of something
that happened in the previous chapter. It made me laugh though and I
remembered a fic where Soun married Genma-chan to join the Tendo and
Saotome lines.
-Soun, I've got an idea.
Soun opened one of his eyes.
-What?
-Let's kill the master.
Stunned silence followed then a nod.
-Okay.
A minute or two passed by in silence.
-But Genm...
-No. No buts, just kill him.
-How?
Genma creased his forhead and looked of into the distance.
-We walk to him and say "Now you die!" and then we kill him.
-But Genma! You know what he'll...
Happosai opened his door like a shot.
-What are you two idiots jabbering about?
Silence filled the room.
-Good!
Happosai left again.
-Should we have Ranma do it?
-I'm all for it.
:) Very funny. Just use quotes instead.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Out of the light tumbled three forms. One of them rose up quicker than the
rest.
-What did you do?
Ranma asked.
Iruka coughed into his fist.
-It was actually quite simple if you've got the knowledge required to...
-You came back!
Iruka turned his head to the energy bundle rushing up to hugg him.
-Yes Ikyo, you might say that.
She hugged Iruka tightly and nussled his cheek. Ranma just grumbled
quietly and started walking into the house. Suddenly, she was on her back,
wrapped in a hugg by a much tinier thing.
-(Where have you been. I've been searching all over for you!)
As both Ranma and Iruka hugg their respective welcome party, Ryo-chan
just looks big-eyed at the both of them.
I have no idea what is going on here. I guess I'd have to read previous
chapters to find out, if they exist. One question though, is Ryo-chan
Ryoga with a spring of drowned girl curse?
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
-Tell son-in-law that he must meet us at the airport. *cough, cough*
-Yes grandmother.
Shampoo responded.
-And if he doesn't *cough*...
-Yes grandmother.
Shampoo usually refers to Cologne as "great grandmother."
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Iruka stopped hugging Ikyo and looked over at Ranma. Grayfaced and limp,
he dropped Ikyo to the ground.
Ranma is greyfaced and limp, or is Ikyo? Or is Iruka? Reword this
sentence so it is more clear.
-Oh no!
Ranma was showing Hayai to Ryo-chan and she was very happy about it.
Unfortunately, neither of the two animals seemed very pleased with each
other.
Same here. I'm confused with who is happy about what.
-How did this happen! Ikyo, please get behind me.
He raised his arms, lowered his chin and scratched it slowly.
With a jerk, he got ready.
-From sifting through leads and clues the truth is easily found. I will know
what's wrong with that guy over there!
He pointed at Ranma and her pets.
He shook his head.
-No, that isn't ri...
Instead of using pronouns, replace "he" with the speaker's name so we know
who is talking and pointing.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I assume now that we are in a flashback judging by the change from the
"--- - - ---" to "<><><><><>." While these are both flashy, I prefer just
the standard four stars.
* * * *
If this is indeed a flashback, perhaps give it some introduction as
someone retelling the story or recalling it. As it is, it just sticks up
out of nowhere right now.
Three people are walking towards a set of pools well-known to anyone who
knows Ranma and co.
-Aren't you happy that we lost your dad Ranchan?
-Yes, but we didn't have to do it by getting ourselves lost!
-Shut up Ranma. I still haven't forgiven you for that last time we fought.
-Um Ryouga, why was it we fought again?
-I don't know. But I won't forgive you anyway.
That sounds like Ryoga. Works for me.
*Yoink*
-Hey! What did you do that for Uchan? You know this is my favorite shirt!
What did Ukyo do to the shirt? Yoink is not descriptive enough.
-Look here. "Pools of sorrow! Enter at your own risk."
For all we know, this could be written on the ground. Also, being in the
middle of China, chances are any signs would be in chinese.
As the group walked down the path to Jusenkyo, Ranma noticed
several signs off on the side of the road written in various languages.
His eyes tracked to one he could understand.
"Hey, look here. 'Welcome to the Pools of Sorrow! Enter at your
own risk."
Just then, Ryoga took off at a high rate of speed.
Ukyo yelled "Hey Ryoga! Get back here you jackass!"
-HEY RYOUGA! COME BACK HERE!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Ikyo tugged on Irukas sleave. Unfortunately, he didn't respond.
-I need to go back to bed. Will you go wiiith meee?
Iruka nodded dumbly and followed her. He opened the door for Ikyo and
stayed on the doorstep, staring ahead stupidly.
-Man that was wierd. I never thought that uncle would do anything like that,
especially since...
After a short while of staring into nothingness, he shook his head and
yawned.
-If I don't sleep soon, I'm not gonna be better than a lemming.
The air tingled around him, not that he noticed really as sleepy as he was.
Were they not just with Ranma while greyfaced and limp a moment ago?
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ryouga wailed.
-I'm going to die!
Naoko just glared at him.
-Shut up and stop whining. I've never seen you act like this before.
Ryouga sniffed and turned to her.
-I am going to die.
-How? There's no way she can come close to killing you. She can't hit that
hard.
He sniffed again for the effect.
-Of a broken heart.
-AAArgh! Just be quiet and go in there.
She pushed him into the room. Then she looked down and craddled her face
in her hand.
-He forgot the water!
She was just about to open the door when Ryouga rushed out, holding his
nose.
-What! She asked angrily.
-Urm, I think she was changing.
Suddenly the door burst open and a girl with a red towel stomped out.
-Where's the pervert!
Naoko pointed down the corridor.
-Thanks! She replied and rushed in that direction.
Naoko looked down again.
-Coward.
P-chan hung his head low, careful not to look at the overturned glass.
Again, scenes are too disjointed. I have no idea where in relation to the
rest of the story this takes place.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
-...And this is my bedroom. Iruka what do you think?
Ikyo turned around when she didn't get a responce.
-Where did he go?
She walked down the stairs, turned left and opened the backdoor.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
-Imagine those idiots trying to catch me unawares. They'll be lucky if they
manage to lift their fingers if they try.
He sighed deeply and looked at the bag he had in his hand.
-I better give this back then.
*Chuckle*
-It would fit that this is the only one I can get close to.
Quick as lightning he put his hand in the bag...
-AAAAARGHH!
...and pulled out a scorched one instead. With a low head, Happosai started
walking.
Move this part right after the scene with Soun exausted and on top of
Genma.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ikyo looked out from behind the door.
-Iruka? Are you there?
-Look down here. A voice hissed.
She did and she saw Iruka, as a tiny and furry rodent. She could easily
recognise him becuase he still had his clothes on. Though they were
reshaped to fit his new form.
-Do you know of a place where I could find hot and cold water?
Ikyo nodded freneticly, scopped him up in her arms and carried him inside.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Inbetween a beer drinking pink elephant and a knitting zebragus (a zebra
with wings) sat a blue dog-like being.
-FwmpwmpwmphahaHAHAHA--
The zebragus raised his eyebrows and stopped knitting.
-What are you laughing about Blue?
-The man writing this story.
That line right there kind of ruins the story. If you are trying to
recreate gods watching over the cast of Ranma 1/2 like in The Bet, do it
without anyone referring to the "Author writing the story." In my
opinion, it totally ruins the mood. You might just want to consider
removing this section out of your story altogether, as it doesn't seem to
add anything worthwhile.
> The elephant looked at them groggily and spoke.
-What story? This is reality! Face it, it's the truth.
-Mmhmhmhm.
Blue nodded uncommitedly.
-Maybe so, but what I find even more funny are those twos' dreams.
-The one who thinks that the red-head and the brunette love him and the one
who is swimming in money becuase of it?
-Or, the ones where they both win over that cooky character and their loved
ones run into their arms?
-No. Those two.
The two larger beings followed blues paw to look at two bubbles floating
in the air in front of them. Two out of two billion, but they could easily
see
wich ones he meant.
For the two bubbles bounced back and forth against everything else,
looking mostly like they were in a fight. Inside of them were depicted, as
like the rest of the bubbles, dreams.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ranma yawned widely.
-Time to catch some z:s. Come along you two.
She bounded out of the yard and to the street.
Hayai and Ryo-chan shot a quick glare at each other and then followed
after.
Out of the emptiness behind them came no-one and no-ones eyes followed
them when they turned left past the corner of the street.
No one came after them, and no one's eyes followed them when they went
left. Alrighty then.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Akane twisted and turned in her bed as she dreamt. This wasn't nesecarily
because of a bad dream, since she did this every night. It was a very
energetic one though.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
-I will be the one to win!
Akane screamed as she whipped up another batch of perfect cake dough.
As she plopped it into the oven, she looked over at Ukyou.
Ukyous side of the kitchen looked like a disaster. The oven was smoking,
the tap was lying on the flooe and tapwater was spraying out of where it
used to be.
Ukyou herself looked no better. Her hair was full of wet and soggy cake-
dough and she was near tears.
(Well, it's her own fault) Akane thought.
She took out her own perfect cake and showed it to the judges. Without
even eating it, they gave her a 10.00 each.
The crowd cheered, the judges smiled and Ukyou broke out into tears.
Akane was happy.
Good dream sequence. That seems to be exactly what Akane would be
dreaming about.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ranma bounced happily along the sidewalk and the two animals trotted
warily behind her. The pig glanced quickly and frequently at the cabbit
beside him and likewise did she in his direction.
(I wonder where it came from? I know he doesn't belong with my owner or
it'd have shown up in his subconcsious.)
She
She... I guess you forget to complete the sentence.
After a whole block of this, Hayai nudged Ryo-chan discretly and stared at
him.
-(Who you?)
Ranma stopped and turned around. Neither of the animals noticed however,
so they walked right past her legs before they stopped to turn around and
look at her. Ranma spun around again and said puzzled:
-Hayai, was that you?
-(Yes)
-So you can talk. She concluded.
Hayai pursed her lips.
-(Yup)
Ryo-chan just looked on uncomprhendingly at the two.
Isn't Hayai one of the animals?
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ukyou lied silently in her bed with a broad smile on her face.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
-I will be the one to win!
Akane screamed before she franticaly created her monstrosity.
Ukyou paid her no head as she calmly made her own Okonymiaki. She knew
she would win. There was no need to rush.
As always, she went through all the motions and put her own touch to it.
But somehow something didn't seem right.
Ukyou looked over at Akane, who seemed almost ready with hers. She
looked back at her own wich was finished and turned around to the
audience. They were cheering, but she couldn't see or hear for whom. As
she presented her masterpice to the judges she shook of her uneasy feeling.
She would win.
I'm guessing that Akane and Ukyo are going to compete in some cooking
contest so they are both dreaming about it. This is a dream sequence,
isn't it? Is Akane going to be cooking
Okonomiyaki too?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
Ranma held Ryo-chan pressed to her bossom while she held a conversation
with Hayai, who was walking beside her. Hayai didn't say a word of course
but then, it's not uncommon for people to talk to their pets.
Ryo-chan was glaring at Hayai all the more for every bit he heard.
And behind them. Behind them there was no-one.
- - --- - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - - --- - --- - -
- - -
Random snippets out of time.
Put on threads that interwine.
It's a story from reality
or whatever the world may be
Thus I write as real as is
to give the semblance of a mindless whiz.
If what I wrote is true matters naught.
But that it's read, or so I thought.
<Dewin Duvae>
- - -
While most of the time I was not sure of what was happening with your
madeup characters, this story did seem to have some memorable scenes to
make me want to continue reading it. Overall, it was pretty good but
rough. Perhaps repost some of the earlier chapters onto the ffml to
generate more intesterest in the story.
Authors notes:I am going to get rid of all gimmicks and just plainly tell
you
that I need help. I may know *what* I'm doing wrong but that does not tell
me *where* I'm doing it wrong. I do not have pre-readers for this fanfic
Much to my continuing frustation.
Perhaps make your scenes longer and not so spread out. There seem to be
several subplots going on right now, yet in this chapter not much actually
happened. After that, reread over your material acouple of times and ask
yourself if there is a better way to write this individual part, or if the
reader can figure out who is talking. Also try to keep main characters
'in character.' I'm sure you have a perfectly good explanation why Ranma
is wandering around creation with a cabbit and another unidentified animal
that appears to be telepathic while greyfaced and limp, then Soun and
Genma share a moment together alone on the floor meanwhile Akane and Ukyo
dream of okonomiyaki.
I need C&C! That is after all the second greatest reason to why I am sending
this to the ffml. (The main one being the possible outside chance that
anyone finds it enjoyable) If anyone would like to volonteer as a pre-reader
I'd be very happy.
I hope you found some useful tidbits to help out from my nitpicking. If
so, I'm glad I could help.
-TD