Just a few thoughts on the fic. First of all, I think there should be one
question that answered now if this first chapter is going to work: Why would Gourry
& Amelia want to reveal their "true" nature now instead of keeping up the dumb
facade. I am absolutely not convinced that this is what they are really like, based
on what I know about the series.
In addition, I think your introduction is so short that it disoriented me
in getting things like characters and the situation straight. I think too many
writers these days seem to skip the intro and try to go to the meet of the fic too
quickly, when a sort of a review of the characters involved and a gentle easing
into a fic is involved, especially for this kind of a tragicomedy. I think if you
extended the dialogue between Amelia & Gourry before Lina enters so that we could
get a sense of knowing something that Lina doesn't know would be great.
And finally, just to extend the thoughts above, I understand that you
probably don't want to reveal the whole kit and kaboolde about the real Amelia and
Gourry, but I would definately suggest that you could give us some tidbits on the
reasons, to sort of wet us for the explaination, but also to ease us into revealing
their real lives, because as you have it know, I know I'm going to have a hard time
accepting it. A way to do this is through Nega, who is nowhere in this chapter, and
I have a hard time believing that she would not be involved in this thing somehow.
On the good side, your paragrpahs describing the captured Zel & the
dialogues between Xelloss, the overly happy trickers, and Ai. I liked the fact
you've protraited Xel like that Uncle who always teased you at family get togethers
and you'd wish he'd stopped doing that. Ai seems to be a bit bland character-wise,
through.
---Andrew