In a message dated 12/26/99 8:24:10 PM Eastern Standard Time,
ark70d@mizzou.edu writes:
<< Just a few thoughts on the fic. First of all, I think there should be one
question that answered now if this first chapter is going to work: Why would
Gourry
& Amelia want to reveal their "true" nature now instead of keeping up the
dumb
facade. I am absolutely not convinced that this is what they are really
like, based
on what I know about the series. >>
Well, this is something of a reaction to how they act in the series; I
have trouble believing that anyone could act that way without some outside
factor. Okay, so I have know a kid who is, well, dimmer then Gourry is in
the series, but that was because he was overmedicated. (I mean dimmer then
Gourry as in 'he could be used as a doorstop, though you'd have to manhandle
him into place.' )
They are revealing their true nature now because they can't keep up the
facade. Lina *knows* that they've been faking their natures, and there's no
point in keeping the old act up. (Doesn't mean that they can't start up a
new act, though...)
<< In addition, I think your introduction is so short that it disoriented me
in getting things like characters and the situation straight. I think too
many
writers these days seem to skip the intro and try to go to the meet of the
fic too
quickly, when a sort of a review of the characters involved and a gentle
easing
into a fic is involved, especially for this kind of a tragicomedy. I think
if you
extended the dialogue between Amelia & Gourry before Lina enters so that we
could
get a sense of knowing something that Lina doesn't know would be great.>>
1) Meet of the fic? I *really* hope you mean 'meat of the fic.'
2) Waitamin, this is a tragicomedy? News to me...
3) As for knowing something Lina doesn't, doesn't knowing that Zel's
still alive (and who has him) count?
4) This is the intro; I start things actually going much later on. Heck,
I could have skipped on in here to why Ai wants Zel, why Xelloss is helping
Ai, plus several of the uber-plots (and completely lost you in the process).
This is going to be *long*.
<< And finally, just to extend the thoughts above, I understand that you
probably don't want to reveal the whole kit and kaboolde about the real
Amelia and
Gourry, but I would definately suggest that you could give us some tidbits
on the
reasons, to sort of wet us for the explaination, but also to ease us into
revealing
their real lives, because as you have it know, I know I'm going to have a
hard time
accepting it. A way to do this is through Nega, who is nowhere in this
chapter, and
I have a hard time believing that she would not be involved in this thing
somehow. >>
Well, I will be revealing more of their true natures and histories, and
(as you have guessed) I'll be doing it slowly. All I can really say now is
that Naga will show up (and she has already been mentioned), and that you'll
have to wait until part three for your tidbits... (Unless you want to wait a
few months and get a 40kb long part 2 and a cranky authoress...)
<< On the good side, your paragrpahs describing the captured Zel & the
dialogues between Xelloss, the overly happy trickers, and Ai. I liked the
fact
you've protraited Xel like that Uncle who always teased you at family get
togethers
and you'd wish he'd stopped doing that. Ai seems to be a bit bland
character-wise,
through. >>
Well, Xelloss is rather like that, I suppose; I've had the slightly
insane cousin instead. (He thought the couch was out to kill him.)
Ai is, admittedly, rather bland in this part; this is because she's an
extra in this part; a red shirt, if you like. I'll be showing a bit more of
her personality in the next part, which is set almost completely in Olnwal.
--Ryo Hoshi