Confessions 1 (A New Series)
(We see Tenchi Masaki sitting on top of a hill overlooking the city of
Tokyo. It looks like they filmed that Nike Y2K running ad here. Ryoko
and Ryo-oh-ki enters and sit with Tenchi.)
Tenchi: So, this is what Y2K means.
Ryoko: I thought it was just a silly car...
Tenchi: That too, through I'd never thought that such an event would
cripple the world, let alone Jurai too.
Ryoko: Strangely, I haven't heard much problems from Israel. I wonder why...
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa! (Ryoko looks at her cabbit kind-of sister.)
Ryoko: Really? Their calendar is Y6K complaint?
Tenchi: Oh, yeah, the Jewish calendar. I think it's up to 5780 or
something like that. (The couple and cabbit nod to themselves as they
see the mayhem act out. Ryoko points downward.)
Ryoko: Say, isn't that Onna-Ranma making love to Kuno?
Tenchi: I think so...(he squints, then blushes.) Wow. Wonders never cease.
Ryoko: Ah, uh. (She grins a bit.) Do *you* think you could get yourself
to do that with me sometime? I mean, a night of unbridled passionate
sex? (Tenchi really blushes.)
Tenchi: Um...I don't know...I mean I've never had sex before...well,
except this one time...
Ryoko: One time? (She looks somewhat concerned, even a bit mad.
Ryo-oh-ki cowers a bit, looking for a place to hide.)
Tenchi: Yeah, it was before you all came. I was, oh, probably eleven and
my babysitter and I, well got it on.
Ryoko: Y-y-you're kidding!
Tenchi: No...she even got me covered with chocolate pudding and licked
me clean.
Ryoko (looking even more shocked than ever): That's sick!
Tenchi: Well, I'm glad you felt that way...
Ryoko (not really paying attention): I mean, ruining a good batch of
chocolate pudding that way! It could have been used for a variety of
ways. (Tenchi looks upset, and she realizes it.) Oh...I'm sorry. I
didn't realize...
Tenchi: And t-t-that's kinda why I'm hesitant to pick any of you. You've
all got this S&M streak in ya, even Mishoshi.
Ryoko: Mishoshi? Heck, she wouldn't hurt a fly...then again, she
wouldn't know what a fly was.
Tenchi: Well...a-a-and I don't want that kind of a relationship.
Frankly, all of you should be sent for psychratic treatment.
Ryoko: You really think we're all that neurotic?
(Suddenly Washu walks in with Bill Gates, both of them sweating
profusely and looking very dirty.)
Washu (screaming): What do you mean my computer system wasn't Y2K
compliant?! My computer was compliant for over seven thousand years!!!
Gates: Well, I couldn't believe it either, but appearantly, since we
took the Windows design from you, every computer is Y2K non-compliant.
(Washu shakes her head and starts to cry.)
Washu: I...I...I can't believe that I don't know how to fix this...(She
looks out.) I hope there wasn't too much damage.
(Suddenly, four EVA appear from the sky and start to destroy various
tall Tokyo buildings while a couple of Angels, Godzilla, and one really
large Pikachu laugh raucously and drink a couple kegs of sake.)
Gates: Wow...how did that thing get so big?
Washu: Who knows? Electrical overload? Anyway, we've got to figure how
to stop this before it gets any worse!
(Misty and Ash comes walking by. Misty is pushing a brand-new red bike across.)
Ash: So...do you like your new bike?
Misty: Yeah, I do... (Misty starts to cry.) but now what do I do for an
excuse to follow you?
Ash (scratches his head): Must you really be that bad of a pervert?
Misty (wiping away some tears): I can't help it, you do know my
grandfather is Happousai... (They leave.)
Lum's voice: Darling! Why aren't you chasing after women?
Ataru's voice: I don't know, Lum...it's kinda boring now.
Washu (starting to big-sweat): Ack...it's gotten worse! S-s-ay isn't
that Ranma...and Kuno?!
Tenchi (squinting): Yep. In his girl-form. Strange, I didn't think he'd
sink that low. (His eyes widen.) Wow...I didn't realize he was that limber...
Washu: Yeah...Kuno has a bit more flexibility than you'd think he would.
Ryoko: Gee, folks, aren't you suppose to save the world or something?
Tenchi (shrugs): Why save the world when it's suppose to end on December
24, 2014?
Washu: And I'm pretty sure the Mayan calendar is Y2K compliant...
Ryoko: Well, then, if you're not going to save the world, (they all duck
as a errant missile misses its intended target and hits the Power
Rangers, destroying them all in one fell swoop) how 'bout having
passionate sex with me? Right here?
Tenchi (blushing): Sorry, I've promised that honor to Sasami.
Ryoko (screaming): What?! That girl! She's only ten! (Tenchi holds up
his hands.)
Tenchi: Hey, hey...I'm just following what most child abused children
usually goes through...
Ryoko: No...you're being silly.
Tenchi: I suppose I am. But I'm really scared about having sex after
what I've been through. I'm also kinda confused.
Ryoko: I'm sure there's a lot to be confused about. But it's nothing to
be scared about. (Tenchi nods.)
Tenchi: Well...I suppose. But I really can't have sex tonight. I've got
a cold.
Ryoko (laughing): You do not. (She turns to Washu.) Say, Mom, are you
sure you don't remember who was my father?
Washu: Um...well...I don't know if you're ready to handle it.
Ryoko: I'm a few thousand years old. I can handle it.
Washu: Well...okay. It's a guy named Xelloss.
Ryoko (looking confused): Huh?
Washu: Well, before I was "Washu" I was a girl named "Lina Inverse." He
and I had a fling for a while before he was killed while trying to put a
magical square rod into a round hole...(She starts to sniffle.) You
know, I kinda miss him saying, "That's a secret." It was kinda of his
calling card.
Ryoko: Magical?
Washu: Yeah, I was a soceress before I became the World's Greatest
Scientist in Sneakers. (Bill Gates looks down at her sneakers, and looks amazed.)
Gates: Are those really sneakers?
Washu (glaring at Gates): Yeah, geek-breath. Those are sneakers. You may
be smart, but you haven't been out lately, have you?
Tenchi: Well...should we start looking for a place to hide before the
Y2K problem dies down?
Washu: I don't know...is Ryo-oh-ki Y2K compliant? (Ryo-oh-ki starts to
blush, then she begins to bawl.)
Ryo-oh-ki: MIyyaaaaahhh...
Ryoko (hugging her sister): That's okay...not every cabbit can transform
into a spaceship...
Washu: Yeah...I should have transformed you into the Knight Rider 2000
car...(Ryo-oh-ki throws a carrot at Washu. The bap caused Washu to fall over.)
Tenchi: That's okay. As long as...(Tenchi gets really scared.) Oh, no!
Not him! (Suddenly a really large purple dinosaur comes in from the
Tokyo sideline. The Large Pikachu, Angels, and Godzilla start to find a
highrise to hide under.)
Mega-large Barney: Hello, Friends! I love you all!
Gates: Dear lord, I thought the MIBers had him locked up...
Washu: Nevermind that, let's get out of here!!! (Everyone starts to
scatter as Barney starts to hug various buildings, causing them to
crash. And sadly, the confession ends here.)
Next time...Nabiki Tendou confesses she's a Sailor Senshi and Riding
Bean confesses he really hates his name, and would have preferred to be
know as Riding Zuchini...