"POP! I've gotta go and get cured! I don't have time to get
married!" Ranma piped up loudly.
Too whiny
Not really
"Daddy! How could you? And to a total stranger!" Akane
started in on her father.
Good characteristics on Akane.
approximate Canon line for Kasumi.
"Not right now, Ranma. This is far more important. The
Anything Goes School of Martial Arts must continue! You can
go looking for a cure later," Genma said. He then sipped from a
small cup.
"Akane! This is for the Dojo! What would your mother think?"
Soun pleaded. He almost never pulled a guilt trip on Akane.
It could back fire.
Akane paled. Now he was bringing mother into it. "But Daddy!
What about my problems at school?" Akane said, whining a
little bit. This was so unfair.
Oh man, she shifted gears quick. Akane would NEVER whine! She'd
threaten, Soun would cry "She's so scary!" and nothing would be
resolved.
Exactly
"I'm sure Ranma can handle them. Besides, I think you've
gotten all of the training potential out of those boys."
"Huh?" Ranma asked eloquently.
Nabiki spoke up suddenly, "Oh, it's nothing really. Akane's
just been fighting off a horde of hormone crazed boys every
morning that want to date her. I'm sure as her fianc'e that
you'll take care of it."
I think this was introduced too quickly. And I DON'T think
Nabiki would volunteer information.
Looking out for her sister, maybe?
Kasumi frowned in the background. This was the first that
she had heard of this!
KASUMI?! FROWNING?! It's the end of the world!
does it about 6 or 7 pages into the manga, actually. see line mentioned
above, she was frowning while saying the one i was referring to.
"Let me get this straight. Some kids from school are
attacking her, hoping she'll go on a date? That is soooo
stupid. I ain't never been on no date, and I know better
than that!"
Ranma seems too outspoken.
You're complaining on violation of Cliches.
"It's all Kuno's fault! He's the one who made that stupid
speech. Now all of the boys think that they have to beat me
up to go on a date." Akane felt a little better. At least
Ranma thought it was stupid too. She shook her head
suddenly. No, he's the enemy. He's just like the other boys.
She almost convinced herself of that.
"Beat up a girl to go on a date? What a bunch of jerks. A
real man isn't even supposed to try and hit a girl," Ranma
said, fuming at the whole situation.
That's pretty much an unwritten rule. Another thing Ranma would
never say. You have to keep in mind, Ranma's pretty much a coward
around girls. He can't say no to them, and he doesn't know what
to do around them. He's socially inept, lacks polish, and covers
for that by keeping quiet about things. He certainly doesn't
voice his opinions in this way.
see the [ALT] tag? this is covered by the same what-if as if he had
told her about his curse.
"That reminds me, boy. You're enrolled in school too. The
same one as Nabiki and Akane go to. So you'll be able to
deal with them, and go to school."
"But, but I don't . . ."
"No buts! You need your schooling."
My 2 yen here: Genma would not say this. the three Rs have nothing to
do with martial arts.
Ranma strolled on the top of the fence, looking down at his
new fianc'ee. At least she was pretty. And nice too. Got
lots of spunk. You could see her temper flare up. And pretty
good at the Art.
Akane sneaked a peek, looking away when she saw that Ranma
was looking at her. She did see that he wasn't trying to
stare either, as he looked away quickly enough. Couldn't he
have some flaw, other than his curse? He's better at the Art
and good looking. He even made walking on the fence seem
normal and graceful.
Flaws? Um.. he's arrogant, sneaky, is ALWAYS getting into
trouble, he's a BOY, he turns into a girl, he's a BOY...
...scratch sneaky, Akane caused most of the targeting around him, but
he -is- a BOY.
"So why are you up there?"
"Balance training. Pop says to make everything training.
Works ok, most of the time."
"Well, you leave the fight to me! It's my fight!" Akane said
suddenly.
Now why would she say that? She would naturally assume that
he would. And why would she say that now?
nabiki told ranma earlier to defend akane. whether or not it was
intended this way, akane heard it that way.
"Huh? I can't do that! What sort of fianc'e would I look
like if I didn't try to defend her? It'd make me look bad!"
Ranma responded vehemently.
Ranma does a lot of things spontaneously, and not by any set
bunch of rules. His protection of Akane is something he does
because he feels it's the right thing to do, not because it
would look bad if he didn't.
In canon, he fought the horde because he thought he was being attacked.
Akane thought that over for a second. He was right, dang it.
He was supposed to defend her. But that was going to bring
up the engagement into the open. She was caught in a catch
twenty-two. She sighed, and thought it over. "Oh, all right.
I'll tell them you're my fianc'e, and that they have to
fight you to date me, how's that?"
OOC. Way OOC. Akane would insist that she was a martial artist
too.
And then Ranma, with the characterization in this fic, would insist
that he has an image to maintain.
"Sure. None of them are as good as you, right? So I
shouldn't have a problem."
Akane's temper flared dangerously. "Right. The only one who
is almost as good as me is Kuno, our Kendo champion. He's
undefeated in the district." She paused a second. "Though,
he's never beaten me."
2 yen here: Have ranma say that kuno's probably holding back. he
mentioned that to akane later in canon, i think.
"Hmm. Well, we don't want to be late, so let's get there
early. Let's run!" Ranma shouted the last, taking off
down the road. Akane sped up to keep up with him.
Soon the gates of Furikan High School hove into view. A
Spelling?
large group of boys spotted Akane, and trotted her direction
to intercept her.
Trotted?
"Hey you guys! Stop just a second!" Akane shouted. As a
group they lumbered to a halt, a few stumbling and falling
over. Ranma snorted in disgust. That was pathetic.
"Akane! Have you finally decided to submit and let us date
you?" one of the boys shouted out.
"No. Guys, this is Ranma Saotome. He's my fianc'e so he'll
accept your challenge. If you beat him, you can date me,"
Akane said curtly.
I renew my objections.
I'll see your objections and raise an argument against them [usenet
injoke]
"FINAC'E?!?!?" they shouted in unison.
"That's right. It's an agreement between our families.
Because she's my fianc'ee, you have to fight me, got it.
I'll warn you guys, I've been training since I was five, and
I won't hold back," Ranma said loudly. He adopted a relaxed
stance.
Ranma is arrogant, but that's a lameass sentence right there.
A sudden commotion at the back of the group, as a taller,
elegant looking boy pushed his way through the group. "Akane
*spits soda on her keyboard* ELEGANT LOOKING?!
Tendo, engaged! I will not permit this mockery! I, Tatewaki
Kuno, will punish you, Ranma Saotome for daring to defile
the mere presence of the flower of Furinkan High School. So
swears the Scarlet Lightning of Furinkan High School!"
The unbearable excess of being Kuno.(don't worry that wasn't
a criticism)
Scarlet Lightning? I'm going to go along with this. Maybe it
has a punch line somewhere. (hint hint)
"Akane" can translate to "Scarlet." but it's not that big a change, he
picks his nicknames at random, and theres nothing in canon to say that
he kept "blue thunder" more than a day or three at most
"Sounds like your first up, Kuno. Defend yourself!" Ranma
shouted, jumping to the offense.
No introduction? No naming of the schools? Also, Kuno doesn't
introduce himself as the 'rising star of the kendo championships,
Tatewaki Kuno, age 17?' Darn, that's the best part.
Kuno barely had time to bring his bokken up in defense,
blocking a fast jab at his face. Kuno retaliated with a
sweep, and then an over handed slice, followed up by a
series of fast jabs. The crowd looked on in amazement as
Kuno couldn't even touch Ranma. He sidestepped, and ducked,
and then leaped up, bouncing off of Kuno's head. Kuno dodged
a foot sweep, and then lunged. The lunge turned into an
upward slice, trying to catch Ranma as he sailed over Kuno.
Ranma's foot struck out suddenly. He kicked himself off a
tree, and past Kuno's defense. His hands flashed in a
furious symphony, striking vitals and soft points. Before
Kuno even landed, a finger flashed out, striking his
forehead in a blur.
"Next!" Ranma called out, looking over the group.
All of the boys looked at each other, and then shrugged.
They charged in unison, screaming out their battle cries.
"We do this for you, Akane!" "We'll defeat him for you,
Akane!" "He'll never defeat us all!"
Ranma didn't have a lot of experience in fighting groups,
but he did know some things about the fine art of brawling
in crowds. He charged forward, and took out three of the
boys almost instantly. He leaped backwards over twenty feet
and charged their unprotected backs, felling another half
dozen. Leaping into the air again, he landed on the Sumo
wrestler's head, KO'ing him instantly. He fell to the
ground, sliding low, and tripping up another four. The last
two had just a seconds warning, before he took them with a
jump and split kicked them into unconsciousness.
"Ha. What a bunch of losers." Ranma smirked. He grinned at
Akane, and bowed her in the direction of the school. "After
you, oh flower of Furinkan."
Awfully confident, aint he? Ranma's rarely confident around
girls. This really doesn't have anything to do with his
relationships with the various fiancees. It's due to the
fact that he was sheltered all his life from interaction
with the female sex.
Well, REMEMBER that this is an alternate universe
Akane stared at Ranma for just a second, and then started
snickering. "Why, thank you Ranma. I don't mind if I do."
Nabiki watched from the second floor with her assistants.
"That was different. Kuno has a new name too. How come you
didn't warn us, boss?" the dark haired girl asked.
"Didn't have the chance. I thought they were going to be
slower getting to school."
"Hmm. Looks like we get to keep the money this time. No one
bet that someone else would beat up all those guys." The
last girl rubbed her jaw in deep thoughtfulness.
"Yup. Sure looks like it. Doesn't hurt business though."
Aha. Now I see why Nabiki warned them. That won't work anymore,
though.
I have some real serious problems with your characterization of
Ranma. Ranma is a very crude person, brash, and puts his foot in
his mouth a lot. He tends to push people away. It's a sort of
defense mechanism. He accomplishes this by insulting people who
get too close. Your Ranma is much more confident about relation-
ships than I find comfortable. At least provide some sort of
rationale why Ranma would be this way. Frankly, your story needs
some work. You need to flesh out the internal thoughts and feel-
ings of the characters in each situation. Also, the dialogue
needs to be revamped. I think you're trying to make the story
TOO waffy. The only thing you really needed to do wash have
Ranma blurt out that he was really a guy and demonstrate. All
the rest would have fallen into place pretty naturally. Ranma's
not crude enough, Akane's not volatile enough, Soun doesn't cry
enough. Nabiki SEEMED to be OOC too, but you fooled me, you
tricky devil!
She does look out for her sister. she HAS ALSO screwed up big-time
several times in canon, if you'll remember the recently-translated
engagement storyarc, and also Kinnosuke.
Don't take this the wrong way, and don't let this turn you off
fanfic writing. Keep working on it. You have a good idea. You
just tried to push the relationship along too fast.
If I said anything inconsistant or stupid, by all means, tell
me. I do tend to ramble a lot, and sometimes lose track of
what I've said.
Thomas Hood
thood3@hotmail.com
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