The Temporally-Challenged Critiquer strikes again!
C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
WARNING: This is a C&C of a lemon fic. You probably shouldn't be
reading lemons, anyway (what would your parents think?) and this C&C
isn't much better...
A Tale of Ten Yen
A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
By
D.F. Roeder
-----WARNING-----
This fic contains a LEMON scene, although it isn't necessarily graphic
nor is it gratuitous. In fact, it's largely antiseptic.
Nabiki: [scrubbing hands] I *wish*....
[...]
This work is for free entertainment purposes only - no compensation has
been or will be received from it.
What about the ten yen? ;)
[...]
This is the story of a coin... a ten yen, to be precise, but then you
knew that from the title. How can one coin change the course of events
in the Ranmaverse? Proceed, then, gentle reader, with a modicum of
caution.
suggest: a coin... ten yen
or: a coin... a ten yen piece
("A ten yen" sounds weird. Like saying "A five cent.")
Is this introduction necessary? I was a little put off by it.
I don't really like being addressed by the writer; it gives me
the impression that the author doesn't think the work can stand
on it's own...
[...]
Nabiki threw her manga across the room in frustration and shouted,
"WHO'S THERE?!" She winced at the setup.
At what setup?
[...]
"I've had a bad day, all right?!" She crossed her arms under her breasts
and glared at him.
Nabiki actually lets things get to her? And here I thought she
passed her problems off to everyone else. :j
[...]
The tableau held for a couple of moments until Nabiki had enough.
gram: had had enough.
(I know this sounds worse, but the first time I read it,
I wondered "Nabiki had had enough what?")
[...]
In response, Ranma reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-yen
coin. He tossed it to Nabiki, who caught it deftly. She held it up
between her index and middle fingers.
punc: ten yen
(I think.)
[...]
"Ranma, you're really starting to cheese me off. *What* is the point of
this little exercise?"
Ranma smirked and held the coin up between his fingers as Nabiki had
done. "How bad do ya want this?"
You've completely grabbed me at this point. :) How far will she go...?
Nabiki blink-blinked. "Huh? I mean, what do you mean?"
suggest: Huh? What do you mean?
(Get rid of the duplicated "mean".)
He shrugged. "Do *you* want this ten yen?" He waved the coin back and
forth.
Nabiki: Everyone thinks the only thing I want is money!
But I'd be happy to give all my money away...
For just a little bit more. [wink]
Her eyes tracked the coin as it moved before narrowing. "Sure. Why not?
A yen is a yen is a yen, after all."
suggest: Her eyes narrowed, after tracking the coin.
(Gramatically, it's unclear if Nabiki's eyes or the coin
moved and narrowed.)
Ranma tossed the coin into the air and caught it, his fist hiding it
>from view. "Can't just have it. Have to *earn* it."
Nabiki: [bored expression] Look, he does magic tricks.
[reads ahead] Or was that turns tricks?
[...]
He winced. "You really *did* have a bad day, ne? How much?"
"Ten yen," she smirked.
Shrugging, Ranma reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled
out a different ten-yen piece, tossing it to her.
Heh. :)
[...]
She leaned back against the headboard of her bed. "Okay, you've finally
succumbed to the madness around here - you're making absolutely no
sense."
Ranma: Succumbed to it? Heck, I brought it with me!
Ranma just stood there, sweatdropping behind the smirk. Nabiki's facial
expression quickly moved from irritated to annoyed to angry; the day's
events had whittled away a great deal of her cool.
suggest: irritated to annoyed and finally to angry
(A little variety...)
[...]
"Hey," Ranma added after finally swallowing three mouthfuls, polishing
off his Kasumi-made bento.
Ranma: See? [points to sticker]
Hiroshi: "Made by Kasumi Tendo."
Keiichi: Oh yeah? [points to sticker] "Made by Belldandy."
Hiroshi: You know, those stickers look a lot alike...
"Um, Ranma? Can I talk to you for a minute... alone?" Hiroshi was
fidgeting slightly. He knew, as did everyone, that getting Ranma
involved in something carried a certain amount of risk.
suggest: knew -- as did everyone -- that
Ranma glanced over at Akane, and she cocked her head and smiled cutely.
"Hmmm, sounds like boy-talk to me. Ne, Ranma?"
This seems a little odd coming out of Akane. Not the quote, or the
expression, but the two combined. I'd expect a Nabikiesque smirk
with the quote, or perhaps a quote like "Want some time alone?" with
the smile.
Ranma's mouth parted slightly, and he stared at his fiancee. <Oh, man,
she can be so *gorgeous* when she does stuff like that!>
suggest: *cute*
(Is Ranma capable of recognising things as "gorgeous"? ;)
[...]
Snapping out of his daze, Ranma got up from his chair and followed
Hiroshi out of the room. He glanced back once before exiting to see
Akane watching him with a strange smile, except her gaze was aimed at
his-- <ACK! She IS a pervert girl!>
The horrible truth. Akane is a podaphile.
Akane: Your feet are SOOooo sexy!
Ranma: ...
He started pushing Hiroshi out the
door more quickly as he felt his butt begin to burn, although he found
the sensation surprisingly pleasant.
Hiroshi: Does this mean I can let go of your butt now?
Ranma: A little bit longer... [blushes]
"Hey!" Hiroshi said, flailing his arms at the speed he was being moved
along.
Hiroshi: Oh GOD! What happened to my arms? And my hands!
They've turned into little circles hovering around my body!!!
[...]
Back in the classroom, Akane continued to stare at the door until a pair
of giggling girls broke into her fantasy. She whipped around to see her
two best friends in spasms.
Akane: [moaning] So... hard...
Yuka: Sad, really.
Sayuri: [nods] Yeah, poor thing.
Yuka: He thinks she was looking his butt...
Suyuri: ...when she was really looking at the door.
Akane: And that... [grins seductively] Knob.
suggest: continued to stare through the door ;)
[...]
"For shame, Akane-chan!" Yuka squirreled.
Uh... What does "to squirrel" mean? I found "squirrelly," meaning
eccentric, but no verb. ^_^;
[...]
Hiroshi led a surprised Ranma to the roof behind the clock tower. He
then checked all around to make sure they were alone, even going so far
as to reopen the door to the stairwell and then close it completely.
Wasn't Ranma pulling Hiroshi along a second ago?
He finally turned to see Ranma, arms crossed and gazing at him with
half-lidded eyes.
"Hiroshi-kun, if you're gonna ask my girl-half out, I'm gonna punt you
to Kobe."
Hiroshi waved his arms and shook his head. "No, no! Nothing like that!
You think I wanna die?"
This sounds like Ranma. I have to wonder where his sensibilities went
for the rest of the fic...
[...]
"Want to have a little fun with a mutual pain-in-the-ass we have?"
Ranma's arms fell out of their cross. "Eh?!"
Ranma: ...Akane was looking at your butt, too?!?
Hiroshi: [blink]
[...]
Ranma leaned back against the clock tower. "What's going on, Hi? Who put
a hair up your ass?"
Is "Hi" am actual nickname for Hiroshi? "Hiro" and "Roshi" I can see,
but not "Hi." Of course, it doesn't help that it looks exactly like
an English word with a different pronounciation.
[...]
"I don't know, Hi," Ranma dithered. "I know she's been suckin' you dry
lately, but ANY-thing with Nabiki always backfires in MY face."
I notice that doesn't change in this fic. :j
And isn't this sentence SO much more entertaining taken out of
context? ;)
"Not to worry, Ranma-kun. This is simple and straight-line. There's no
plots or complicated plans you have to remember."
suggest: straightforward
(I don't think I've ever seen "straight-line" used that way.)
"Well... I'm listenin', but no promises. What is it?"
Hiroshi leaned a little further forward and slyly said, "Show her
something she can't have."
This could have become a lemon a lot faster...
Ranma: You can't have... this! [gestures proudly]
Nabiki: [yawns] Why do I want something that washes away with cold
water?
[...]
She coughed a couple of times and then looked up at her fiance. "Are
*you* feeling all right?"
He blinked at her. "What?"
"You're being nice."
Ranma shrugged nonchalantly.
Ranma: You were staring at my butt, earlier, so I figure--
Genma and Soun: [grin maniacally]
Akane: [grabbing Ranma and blushing] Let's go spar.
[...]
He considered that and remembered Hiroshi's words. <"Take any
opportunity to show that someone else can have it, but *she* can't.">
Ranma then reached into his pocket, pulling out the notorious ten yen.
He held it out for Akane, and she hesitantly took it.
I'm not sure the coin is "notorious" just yet...
Nabiki: Can we please stop talking about that damn coin.
Girl-Type Ranma: Oopsie! I lost it again.
Nabiki: Right. This time I use hot water to find it!
GT-Ranma: [pales, dashes off]
[...]
Ranma was going through his warm-up kata when he heard the shoji doors
open and close. He turned and saw Nabiki regarding him steadily. Nodding
once, he picked up where he'd left off in his exercise.
It's unclear whether this is supposed to happen before or after the
sparring. If it's after, he certainly doesn't need to do warm-up
exercises. If it's before, why doesn't Akane come in?
[...]
"What are you playing at, Ranma?" she asked coldly. "This is some kind
of payback for my dates with Kasha-ou Kinnosuke, isn't it?"
I don't know if I've ever seen Kinnosuke's full name. Does the "ou"
mean anything?
[...]
Nabiki found herself in an unusual position: not holding all the cards.
<What is so damn special about *that* ten yen?! Just play along, girl.
You'll figure it out.>
suggest: Just play along; you'll figure it out.
(I don't see Nabiki calling herself a diminutive term like "girl".
Anybody else, though...)
[...]
"Ah, yeah." Ranma walked over to her and produced a photograph. He held
it out, and she took it, looking down her nose at the image of
onna-Ranma wearing only her boxer-shorts and stretching her arms above
her head. All in all, a very fetching and nosebleed-quality photo.
suggest: image of his girl side wearing only boxer shorts
(Gets rids of some needless Japanese, and makes it a little
more clear that this "onna-Ranma" is not a different person.)
[...]
"I'm not buying all these back *or* destroying the negatives. Nice try,
Ranma-kun," she smirked.
Smirking back, he said, "Don't have to."
Ranma: I already ate the negatives.
Kodachi: [wearing apron] I'm beginning to worry about you, dearest...
[...]
Nabiki face-faulted. She eased back to her feet with the biggest smirk
Ranma had ever seen. "Really, Ranma, if you want to get me naked, all
you have to do is ask."
Fanboy: [clearing throat, raising hand] Um....?
[...]
Nabiki stepped up to the cringing martial artist and ran her hands down
his front. "I mean, a big, hunky guy like you? Why, I'd be the envy of
every girl in school." She locked her hands behind his neck and gazed
hotly into his bulging eyes. "Ne? ... Ranma-kun?"
Ranma finally found his voice, "GAAAH!!" and slipped out from under her
arms. "THAT'S NOT IT!! YUCK!!!"
^o^
[...]
Ranma pulled at his pigtail. "What do I have ta do ta get through to
ya?!"
That's an ususual gesture coming out of Ranma.
[...]
Lowering his arm, he nodded slowly. "Un."
suggest: Yep
or: Yeah
or: Uh huh.
(I think my opinion on using Japanese in fics is clear, but it's
worse here, becuase it's a stand-along word, and not one of the
common ones in the fanboy vocabulary.)
[...]
The next morning, Akane and Ranma made their usual way to school: Akane
on the ground and Ranma taking the high road. However, Ranma kept
stealing worried glances at his fiance.
Akane: [growling] Are you calling me unfeminine?
sp: fiancee
"Um, uh, how ya feelin', Akane?"
Akane: Soft and firm.
Ranma: ...!
Akane stopped and clenched her fists, arms straight down. She whipped
her head around, and Ranma winced at the sight of the shiner blackening
almost half of her face.
suggest: covering almost half
or: darkening
"Will you STOP IT?! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME, OOO, I'LL... I'm a
martial artist, too, and I'm *supposed* to take my lumps! I'M NOT MADE
OF GLASS!! I'm DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY TO HAVE THIS BLACK EYE!!!"
What was that OOO? Oooh? Ohhhh? [insert other moaning noises here]
cap: I'M
[...]
He swung his head her way, and she could see his eyes peering out from
under the mop of hair over his forehead. He stepped off the fence and
landed lightly.
suggest: under the mop of hair.
(I don't think it's necessary to say that it's over his forehead.
Unless, of course, he really does have eyes in the back of his head...)
Akane walked up and regarded him seriously; she could see his horror at
her bruise and at the fact that he'd done it. "Ranma, we were sparring.
You didn't really hurt me, you know. Would it have bothered you so much
if it'd just been a bruise on my leg?"
Ranma: Um... Where on your leg?
Akane: [smack]
[...]
"Tell me something else. How am I supposed to get better if you won't
spar with me seriously?" She searched his clouded eyes.
Ranma: Well, obviously when I dodge, I'm trying to help you get better
at targeting me. How does it help you if I make an easy target of
mys--? AUGH! I'm blind! Cataracts! Cataracts! [flail]
suggest: his downcast eyes.
[...]
"How would you like it if nobody took you seriously as a fighter? Can
you imagine the shame and humiliation?"
Ranma: Nah, I'd just beat the crap outta them.
I have to say that I don't find Akane's argument terribly compelling.
Akane sighed and said, "Do you want to shame *me*, make *me* feel
humiliated?"
Ranma: [blushing] Well, actually...
[...]
"Nothing, Oneechan. It's just... you're usually busy taking money."
Nabiki: [raises eyebrow]
Akane: Making money! [littlesweat] I mean mmmake money.
Nabiki: About that 500 yen you owe me...?
Akane: [sighs, reaches into pocket]
[...]
Akane watched the flash of the metal as it smoothly flowed back and
forth over his hand.
"Where'd you learn that?"
"Saw some magic guy on TV. Looked like good trainin'." He batted the
coin into the air and caught it between thumb and forefinger, holding it
out. "Ya want it?"
Ranma: You know, you you did this finger training, you wouldn't have
had any problems--
Nabiki: Just. Shut. Up.
[...]
Kasumi would almost invariably stop whatever she was doing and take the
coin out of her pocket, turning it over and over, trying to determine
what made it so special to Ranma. Finally, she would shrug and slip it
back into her pocket, putting it down to martial artists and their ways,
although she'd thought she was already familiar with most of their
quirks.
Kasumi: He must be trying to master the10-yen-satsu. [pauses in
thought] I do hope he realises there's no hole in it. Maybe
that's why it's taking him so long... Poor thing, he's not too
bright. [sigh]
Wherever Nabiki happened to be, she would almost invariably mutter to
herself, "That jerk. What does he think he's trying to prove? Jerk,
jerk, jerk..."
Well, you restrained youself from using "baka," anyway. :j
It came to pass in about the fourth week of ten-yen torture that Nabiki
decided she'd had enough. She started upping her extortion on Ranma,
catching him in all sorts of compromising positions. To her rising
frustration, however, he would either not care if she circulated her
photos or if he paid, she would never see that damn ten yen coin among
the payment.
punc: ten yen
(Again, I think. Either consistently hyphenate or don't hyphenate
it. Here and above were the only two places where you used hyphens.)
After two more weeks of increased activity on the part of the middle
Tendou, Ranma was also becoming weary of the experiment; having Nabiki
continually on one's case was enough to try anyone's endurance. Ranma
just knew that if he didn't draw this matter to a close, he'd end up
paying through the nose for it somehow, and since the 'experiment' had
been someone else's brainchild, he went to see the source.
Why *doesn't* Ranma ever lay the blame on Hiroshi? Or at least give
him the ten yen peice and let him worry about it?
[...]
"I'll even put it in terms you can't possibly deny: Saotome Ranma, I
challenge you to pull this off and make Nabiki think you're enjoying it!
You are, of course, free to ignore this challenge at any time," he
appended nervously.
This comes up a lot in Ranma lemons. I mean, Ranma doing this sort of
thing is so utterly OOC, one has to strain to figure out how to make
it happen.
So this sort of challenge is often issued.
I never bought it before, and I can't, here. I can Ranma not passing
up a *fight*. I can see Ranma not passing up a change to prove his
manliness. I can even see him fighting becuase someone called his
girl-side unpretty or unfeminine (weird guy), but not this.
I mean, he accepts challenges becuase of his pride. As a martial
artist. As a man, or a beautiful girl. But what part of his pride
is threatened by this challenge?
Of course, these comments aren't exactly helping. I can think of
two possible ways to keep this challenge that would be a little
more in character.
Firstly, I can see Ranma being offended by someone suggesting he
couldn't seduce Nabiki. That plays into both his male AND female
pride. Of course, sticking coin A up slot V woulnd't be involved
in this sort of thing.
Maybe he just put it in his panties and when Nabiki reaches for it,
in her excitement, she accidentally pushes it up... Uh, you know...
^_^;;;
Not good? Okay, we've got a backup!
What exactly is *Hiroshi* providing for this challenge? When Ranma
gets into a fight, or his masculinity (or femininity) is challenged,
the challenger is directly involved. Anytime Ryouga fights him.
When Kuno said "he was no man." When Tsubasa said she was butt ugly.
So this isn't a proper challenge from Hiroshi. There's even less of
a reason for Ranma to take it.
So what if he make it a double dare? Uh... Or rather, Ranma made a
counter-bet. "I'll do it, if you do <something degrading he thinks
Hirsohi would never do>" When Hiroshi accepts, it would put Ranma
on the spot.
Of course I leave it to your twisted mind to think of whatever that
bet could be. ;)
Ranma clenched his eyes shut and shook, at war with himself over the
need to accept any challenge and the desire to run like hell from it.
Fanboy: Nigero!
Hiroshi sighed. "Whatever, Ranma. I just don't wanna hear any more about
the oh-so-grand Saotome honor."
Ranma: We have honor?
Genma: News to me, boy.
[...]
"Hey, man, I'm not the one who's going to be feeling good over this,
ne?"
Japanese: over this, na?
(Okay, I don't know Japanese. But I recall seeing that "na" is the
male equivalane t of the female "ne." Someone feel free to prove me
wrong.)
"Grrr!"
Hiroshi: That's much cuter when you're a girl. [runs]
[...]
"Freak of Nature," Ranma huffed as he jogged for home. <Oh, maaannn!
What have I gotten myself into now?!> "C'mon, Saotome, you're a MAN and
don't back down for nothin'! ...Oh, maaannn! What am I gonna do?!"
Uh, what MAN would do what you're about to do? ^_^;
[...]
In a loose tank-top and short-shorts, Nabiki sat at her computer, trying
to keep her mind on her financial books. She'd already gotten rid of her
custom screensaver that showed various coined denominations of yen
floating by.
Kasumi: Replacing it with the Akane-malleting-Ranma animation is
cute, though.
[...]
"Hey, Nabiki-chan," she squeaked. The cold metal of the ten yen was
generating all sorts of strange sensations.
I will refrain from making comments about metal in electrolytic
solutions. Really. I will!
[...]
"Heh," Ranma bigsweated, "I've, uh, hidden it somewhere in-- ERRR, on my
*cough-cough* body. You, ah, can have it if ya can find iiit." Her voice
cracked and squealed on the last word, but it went unnoticed because
Nabiki had completely lost her cool and face-faulted.
"You've *got* to be kidding," she moaned from the floor.
You know, after that slip of the tongue, I'd have figured Nabiki to
instantly deduce where to prob^H^H^H^H look.
[...]
Ranma beamed. "No prob. I washed it first."
Smart girl. [rolls eyes]
[...]
However, Nabiki was not the daughter of a martial arts family for
nothing. "Hmph! Prepare yourself."
suggest: the daughter of a martial artist
or: a daughter from a martial arts
(She's not the family's daughter; she's Soun's.)
[...]
Nabiki stepped up and ran her hands through Ranma's hair. Easy enough,
and it didn't do much for either, other than relaxing Ranma a little.
Convinced it wasn't there, she felt around the neck, shoulders, and
arms. Ranma squirmed a little, but it wasn't that bad, or so she
thought. Nabiki turned her attention to Ranma's front and was about to
feel around Ranma's breasts, when she noticed that Ranma's nipples had
hardened, so she stopped; it wasn't difficult at all to see through the
material of the halter-top.
Since you're clearly playing this up here, Nabiki should pull out
Ranma's pigtail. He could have inserted it into the hairs of the
braid.
Hmmm...
[Nabiki's hand is hidden below-screen]
Ranma: Ah! Ah! Stop it! I can't take it anymore!
Nabiki: [frustrated] Where IS it? [reach stretch]
Ranma: Stop! It's not IN there! It's in my hair!
Nabiki: I already checked there.
Ranma: Not THAT hair!
"Oh, for the love of..."
Steeling herself, she felt around the bottom of the breasts, ran her
hands up the sides, over the swell at the top, through the cleavage,
back around the sides nearer the front, and finally over the peaks.
"Ah! Ah!"
"Can it!"
"Go-go-gomen."
sp: Go-go-Gadget
or: Mach Go-Go-Go
;)
Other coments aside, I really like this portrayal of Nabiki. Her
no-nensense comments are very refreshing. It's a nice change from
Nabiki the lesbo/bi that appears in just about every other lemon.
[...]
"Mmblgrrrm," Ranma moaned. She blinked as she felt a wet warmth start to
collect in her panties. <Oh, no!>
The sad thing is that, unlike just about every other bodily fluid,
what Ranma is experiencing is actually desided to help get foreign
bodies *into* her... ^_^;;
Shampoo: Is good, yes? Shampoo is foreign! How I get in? [peer]
Ranma: [flees]
[...]
Nabiki shuddered, then knelt, grasped Ranma's boxers, and yanked them
down.
No comment. Just another sentence taken out of context...
[innocent whistle]
[...]
Shaking her head, Nabiki looked straight at Ranma's panties and finally
took note of the musky scent and the apparent moisture. She stared up at
Ranma with disgust.
"This is turning you on, isn't it?"
Ranma multiple sweatdropped. "Anou... er, um, well... you *are* a girl,
heh."
"Glad you noticed," she said icily, "but do you know how this makes ME
feel?"
Nice dialogue. :)
[...]
Nabiki teetered on the edge of indecision. She REALLY wanted that ten
yen, but THIS! <Gad!>
Maybe she should fetch some chopsticks...?
[...]
"AAAAHHH!!" The sensation of soaked panties peeling and pulling away
>from tender bits had Ranma slapping the wall with the flat of her hand.
"RANMA! WHAT are you DOING?! BE QUIET!!" Nabiki hissed fiercely.
You know, Akane's IS on the other side of that wall... Or are they
adjacent to Kasumi? An aside from one (or both) of the sisters'
point of view would be appropriate, here. ;)
[...]
"EEK!! So-sorry... again."
Now he speaks English? :j
[...]
Nabiki brought her hand forward and then stopped. "Uh, spread, *HACK*
your legs."
I await the sequel, wherein we discover Gosunkugi's newfound
fascination with the telephoto lens and directional mike...
[...]
"Oh." And she did, subsequently spreading her legs to about
one-and-one-half shoulder widths.
Ah, ready stance. Although that's an odd kata he's starting...
[naughty bits snipped]
Nabiki felt the coin slide along the inside of one finger.
"Almost got... it..."
Red Leader: Negative, negative. It didn't go in.
It just impacted on the surface.
[...]
Nabiki's hand came out with a squelchy pop, and she presented that
deer-in-headlights look to her little sister. Ranma jerked and screeched
once more as Nabiki's hand departed, and she then promptly passed out,
dying the little death, and falling face-first against Nabiki's thighs,
somehow managing to present her damp derriere for Akane's inspection.
So it sounds like a "squelchy pop," eh? ^_^;;;
Since Ranma was backed against the wall, easrlier, I *really* have to
wonder how his butt ended up pointed at Akane... Maybe everyone's
positions could be clarified?
Akane gawked for two seconds and then wilted to the floor, a little
whisp of steam rising from the back of her head. P-chan went down with
her, two jets of blood arcing from his snout.
By Newton's 3rd law, wouldn't the reaction to the jet stream of blood
make Akane fall backwards? ;)
Nabiki smacked herself on the forehead and only then realized what she
had a handful of.
"Oh, GROSS!" Her hand came away, trailing fluid in a string.
Thank you for that imagery... [sympathises with Nabiki ;) ]
"Is everything all ri--" Kasumi stood in the doorway, staring and trying
to make sense of what she was seeing: Nabiki wiping a mess off of her
hands and face; Ranma with her butt in the air and... leaking; Akane
face-down on the floor and unmoving; and P-chan squirting blood from his
snout. Without blinking, Kasumi turned around and staggered down the
stairs.
"Fa-Father," she called. "I th-think we have a small p-problem."
Motherly instincts were not designed to cope with this parTICular
scenario...
[...]
"Nabiki, dear, Ranma has taken your virtue. It seems that--"
Ranma shot to her feet. "HEY! SHE had HER hand up *MY*... uh... Well, I
didn't take nobody's virtue!" She slumped back into her place, stewing
and embarrassed at the same time.
Akane: So somebody else already took your virtue?
Ranma: There's no good way to answer this, is there?
[...]
Everyone but Ranma and Nabiki face-faulted. Soun was shortly in
full-blown wail #1002: 'My daughter's a prostitute! Or is Ranma a
prostitute?! I'm so confused! And for very little money!!'
Soun: Why didn't you see me first? You could have come to me
if you needed money! I would have paid you!
Everyone else: [bigsweats]
[...]
"Well... whose idea was it?" Kasumi innocently asked.
Deflating, Ranma slumped back into her seat. "I can't tell ya. I
promised."
No, he didn't.
[...]
"Akane! I... I... Aw, don't cry! It just got outta hand. I... I'm
sorry."
So next time, keep the ten yen *in* your hand.
[...]
Genma proceeded to repeatedly beat his son-now-daughter over the head,
hoping to induce unconsciousness. Ranma was having none of it. Several
nasty kicks and punches later, an unconscious *panda* lay in the Tendou
backyard.
suggest: beat his not-particularly manly son
or: son (now daughter) over
[...]
"Oh, my! And did you say Ranma fell into it, too?" Nodoka put her hand
up to her mouth. "He's a panda, also?!"
Nodoka: Oh, no! Don't tell me I fed him Akane's cooking, that time!
suggest: He's a panda, too?
(It's generally clearer ending a sentence with too,
but using also in the beginning or middle.)
[...]
"He *is* all right?" Nodoka surreptitiously looked around for her
katana, but it didn't seem to be present.
They must have peace-bonded it when she entered the Ranma convention.
[...]
"Ranko! You're not wearing a bra! Why, you can almost see EVERY-thing!!"
Ranma whipped her arms around and in front of her chest. "Uh..."
"And did I hear someone calling you a... RANKO! YOU DIDN'T!!"
Ranma blinked. "Didn't what?"
"Did a man take your virtue?!"
Uh... Non-sequitur? This sorta comes outta left field from Nodoka.
[...]
Putting a finger in her mouth, Ranma worked that one over, but she did
finally get it. "GAH!! No way!! With NABIKI?!?!"
Nodoka: Oh...
Ranma: It's me an' Akane!
Akane: Augh! Will I never live this chartacterization down! I hate
*boys*! That means I want a *man,* not a *girl*! [stomp fume]
[...]
"Gah! I was just tryin' to let her have that DAMN ten yen!" Ranma wrung
her hands.
"What ten yen?"
"The one that's still in my..." She was pointing at her crotch when
Nodoka fainted again.
I have to ask, is the ten yen named "Virtue?" :j
Everyone seems to want to take it from Ranma...
[...]
Akane wouldn't have left her room, but the call of nature really
couldn't be ignored any longer. She shuffled out, down the stairs, and
to the bathroom. She slid the door open, and her eyes bulged out and her
mouth gaped.
"AWWW, MAAANNN!! AKANEEEEE!!! GO A-WAAAY!"
suggest: "C- Could you maybe come back later, Akane?"
(Ranma was really upset at Akane's earlier reaction; I don't see
him flippantly blowing off Akane like this.)
Akane quietly shut the door and leaned against it, still showing
dinner-plate eyes. She gave passing thought to a scream, but the range
of possible subjects to scream about tied her tongue. She stumbled away,
desperately trying to erase the image of Ranma with two metal handles
sticking out of her... place.
suggest: She gave a passing thought to screaming
So... How did she deal with the call of nature?
[...]
"Onna... a girl... I see," she said, her voice growing abruptly stern.
"And where might this 'girl' be found?"
It's a little weird, seeing Nodoka use the same word in Japanese and
English. You've already used "onna" without explanation above; do you
need it now?
[...]
"ARE YOU AS BLIND AS MOUSSE, LADY?! HE'S RIGHT THERE!!"
My congratulations at not turning HE'S into HE"S. ;)
[...]
"When ya first came to visit, Pops told me about the, uh, promise about
me bein' a man and all, and he made me hide." She wrung her hands in
shame. "I didn't want ta, but..."
"I'm guessing he made me out to be some monster, ne?"
Ranma looked out from under her brows. "Kinda... yeah."
Rightfully so, in the manga. ^_^ She *was* going to kill him for
wearing girl's clothes...
[...]
"Your... curse is a problem. However, you did try to seduce your
fiancee's sister, even while a girl, so I suppose I can overlook it."
She rubbed her forehead. "I have a daughter now instead of a son, even
if she acts manly. We'll have to work on that. No daughter of mine will
go around--"
Rationalization is such a wonderful thing. [heartfealt sigh]
[...]
Taking a break so he could towel off and get into some decent clothing,
Ranma found himself in front of, and gazing longingly at, Akane's
bedroom door. [...]
Yuka: I guess Akane's not the only one into doors...
Sayuri: Too weird.
[...]
"I don't want to have to say this again, so listen this time. You've
ruined it. You took something away from me, something that can't be
returned."
Ranma: Isn't that my line for Nabiki?
[...]
"Now, Son, what are we going to do about this mess with Nabiki and your
fiancee?"
This needs to be clarified. Does it mean Nabiki and Akane, or
Nabiki as Ranma's new fiancee?
[...]
"Oh, dear. I suppose I will have to talk to Soun about Nabiki's, ah,
sexual preference."
*THUMP!*
Nabiki had face-faulted from the position in which she'd been listening,
and her head and shoulders were visible through the open shoji.
Nodoka beamed at Ranma. "I think she likes you."
Ranma turned green, and Nabiki moaned from the floor.
Nodoka: She *really* likes you! Look at her moan!
Nabiki: That's it; I'm outta here.
[...]
They both sprang into action, but Ranma's decade-plus of martial arts
training gave him the advantage. He had snatched the coin by a wide
margin, leaving a fuming Nabiki to slap her palm where it had lain.
suggest: Ranma's decade of
or: years of
(While I know what you mean, decard-plus looks weird.)
[...]
Nodoka took her not-so-gently by the arm. "Let's have a little talk,
Nabiki-chan, about your, ah, interest in the, er, fairer sex."
"URK!!" But struggle and protest as she might, she couldn't break the
grip of the Saotome matriarch.
<Take your time, Ranma,> Nodoka thought. <I'll manage the house spy.>
Nodoka: So, you like girls... Do you think I'm pretty?
Nabiki: ...!
Nodoka: [thinks] Well, thinking up a proper response to that will
keep her busy for a while...
How does Nodoka know that Nabiki is "the house spy"?
[...]
Her face fell back into the set of stone she'd had earlier in the
tearoom. "I'm not going to say this ever again: go - a - way. I never
want to see you again."
Ranma: Well, I live here, so that'd be kinda difficult.
Akane: [glare]
Ranma: [wilting] Tough croud.
suggest: Go. A. Way.
[...]
"If you EVER do anything like that again, I'll tell Shampoo and Ukyou
AND Kodachi how much you like sticking things up inside! GOT IT?!"
Shampoo: Is all good!
Ukyo: No problem!
Kodachi: Of course my dear Ranma likes that!
Akane: I meant up herself.
Shampoo: Aiya!
Ukyo: Um... What? [littlesweat]
Kodachi: My Ranma dearest isn't like that!
[...]
[ Epilogue - Seven Weeks Later ]
(It took a while to get the coin out. ^_^; )
[...]
"Yeah. A ten yen? You act like it's special or somethin'."
suggest: Ten yen?
or: A ten yen coin?
[...]
All in all, this was a good fic. What I liked best about it was
the treatment of Nabiki. She's in character the whole time (even
the naughty bits), and it's interesting to see how far she'll go
for ten yen.
As I've said before, I think the challenge is a little weak for a
plot point. Of course, this same plot point has been used many
times before, so you've got plenty of company.
I think Hiroshi should play a bigger role, considering this whole
thing is his idea.
Keep up the fun writing, ;)
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"