Date:
Thu, 2 Dec 1999 00:53:18 -0500
From:
"W*ING Higley" <skywarp@cephiro.com> | Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
CC:
cactusnick@sprynet.com
Subject:
[FFML] [fic] Akane The Vampire Slayer
Hi,
Comments ##
<SNIP>
******
Akane slept peacefully in her bedroom. It had been
the first sleep she
had gotten in two days since she stumbled upon Ukyou
and Ranma making
out in the dojo. Akane's world had shattered in that
instant. Out of
guilt, Ranma admitted that he and Ukyou had been
seeing each other
since shortly after the failed wedding a year earlier.
Ukyou had been
so desperate to stop the nuptials that Ranma finally
realized how much
she cared for him, and slowly, he realized that he too
cared for her.
##fanfic cliche.
But that was the problem. As Ranma finally gave into
his feelings for
Ukyou, Akane had allowed her feelings towards Ranma to
change, and grow
into love. But then had come the nightmare two days
earlier. Akane
had gone into the dojo determined to get Ranma to
agree to take her to
Furikan High's graduation dance, and instead found
Ranma and Ukyou
locked in a passionate embrace. Rather than scream
"RANMA NO BAKA" and
mallet both Ranma and Ukyou into the stratosphere,
Akane had instead
collapsed to the ground and began sobbing
uncontrollably.
##OOC for Akane.
Hearing her
cries, Genma and Soun had come running into the dojo
and had seen Ranma
holding Ukyou in his lap.
In the shouting match that ensued, Ranma finally stood
up for himself,
and declared that he was going to marry Ukyou, even if
it meant ruining
his family honor.
##OOC for Japanese culture. ALTHOUGH a good point can
be made that
modern Japanese don't have "traditional" marriages as
often. OTOH there has been an upsurge in traditional
arranged marriages for a number of reasons. It could
go either way . . .IF carefully done. That's the
problem. It is not carefully done.
Soun then kicked Ranma and Genma out of the house,
banishing them back to Nodoka and her katana. Of
course, Nodoka didn't
kill Ranma or Genma. Rather, she welcomed them
back, then kicked Ranma out of the house when she
found out about
Ukyou. The last anyone had heard, Ranma was living at
Ucchan's.
##??? This entire section seems very pointless. If
there is a need for Ranma to be
married to Ukyou that's fine. You just need to do a
more believable job of getting
them together. OTOH if you just need to get Ranma out
of the way, keep it simple.
<SNIP>
And for anyone who feels compelled to argue about OOC
Ranma throwing
away his family honor, get a damn life. It's just a
fanfic. Didnt'
"Okatu No Video" teach you anything?
## My complaint is lazy writing.
If the writer has the attitude "It's just a fanfic"
why should the reader care? Crafting a readable story
takes time
and effort. It's especially difficult when dealing
with established
characters and situations. This constrains the fanfic
writer in ways
the writer of original fiction is not handicapped.
Readers of fanfiction do so with the expectation of
seeing familiar
characters. If the fanfiction writer sees fit to make
changes (and this
is the purpose of fanfiction) she or he is obligated
to justify those changes
within the confines of the story. The larger the
change the more involved the
explanation necessary.
This section reads like a block of "fanfic-cliche"
bought
as Stories_R_Us and dropped into the middle
of the story. If you wanted to get rid of Ranma fine.
If you want to marry off Ranma and
Ukyou, also fine. Marry Ranma to Cologne if you wish.
Just spend some
time doing it. If you're going to make major changes
in known characters develop those changes within the
story. If you're not willing to spend the time, don't
bother. It's obvious from the text that there was not
a particular story element that necessitated his
marriage to Ukyou. IMO you would have been better off
sending Ranma on a training trip. Or kill him,
perhaps via vampire
attack. Or an automobile accident. _This _was a LARGE
"speed bump" that did not really advance the story,
IMO.
Something inside Akane snapped and she felt more rage
and fury than she
had ever felt with Ranma. How dare this.....this
thing call her
dinner. Akane leapt up from the bed, catching the
creature off guard
and nailed him with a reverse spin kick. Next she hit
a chain of
urakens (spinning back fists),
##Don't use parenthetical explanations. Describe
through action in the text.
followed by a cartwheel kick which sent
the creature crashing into the wall.
�Where the hell did I learn to do that?' Akane
wondered. As skilled a
martial artist as
she was, pulling off complex combinations of moves
like that had never
been her forte. She usually just used a ki-blast or a
mallet shot to
win a battle
##Fanfic cliche.
Even her father had never been particularly good at
combos, and Ranma only used them when in the Nekoken
trance.
##??? Ummm, actually in Nekoken he seems to use
cat-like moves
esp. shredding things with his �claws'.
Overall: Seems very unfinished. Several fanfic cliches
interrupt the story. An interesting premise,
especially with Happosai
as "watcher". However the author doesn't appear to
care much about
the characters and as a result neither does the
reader.
IMO the story has possibilities if developed. If you
need to get rid
of Ranma just kill him off. If a vampire kills him
that gives Akane more
motivation. For that matter have him run over by a
cross-town bus.
OR marry him off to Ukyou. Heck, marry him off to
Ryoga if you wish.
Just make it believable.
Avoid fanfic cliches such as mallets and always
describe
action within the story not parenthetically. To the
best of my knowledge
Akane, in manga/anime has never used a "ki-blast." NOR
is the mallet her
primary weapon. (Almost all of the characters use
mallets at one time or another. Akane usually uses
whatever object is close at hand.)
Having "ki-blast" causally tossed into the mix is
very disconcerting.
If you wish Akane to use a "ki-blast" this needs to be
developed within the story.
The "Prologue" was interesting and shows promise. IMO
the first part of the story was really the prologue
and the "prologue" was the start of a chapter.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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