Comments offered as suggestions/opinions only:
The gleeman smiled tightly. "I watched, boy. I watched. You
protected people you could have left to die. That at least shows
you have some character and that aren't mad yet,
last bit reads funny, perhaps: 'aren't that mad yet'?
"If you can't tell they use he Power, how do you shield False
Dragons, then?" someone shouted.
'the Power'
"Outrun? Maybe. Run down? Hell yes!" Ranma laughed. "You
'Hell, yes' ? I'm not too sure - I have probs with commas myself.
Surprisingly, both Akane and Ukyou managed to get on their horses
without falling or otherwise attract undue attention to them, though
Grammatically correct, but it reads a bit strangely, perhaps:
... without falling. Nor did they attract any undue attention, though...
want to bet any money on that. When they reached the ferry itself,
Ranma noticed that Lan was signing the other ones to show their
weapons, but not to be too obvious about it.
'signing the other ones'? I don't understand that at all.
As a surprise twist of fate, both
Jusenkyou victims had made it across without getting wet.
'In a surprising twist of fate,'
Thom was thinking that with an acrobat like that boy, he wouldn't
have to work nearly so hard to make his way... then promptly berated
himself for thinking so.
'thinking such'
time, Ranma easily keeping up with Moiraine's mare, with Ryouga on
the other side. Ranma tried to read Moiraine's intentions, but
discovered that the Aes Sedai had one of the best poker faces he had
ever seen.
And making Ranma green with envy. :)
A thought came to him. "Do you have a
mental discipline when you fight?"
"Do you have a mental discipline when you fight?"
Repeated sentence.
"Are you telling the truth?" Rand asked dubiously when Ryouga
tried to describe the vastness and the technological level of Tokyo.
Of course, they never realized that Ryoga was mixing Tokyo up with a dozen other
cities. :)
_thought_ it was Kyoto. Cities all looked alike to him. The
postcard showed a part of the city, namely a small park surrounded by
skyscrapers.
It also had New York City Central Park stenciled on it, but Ryoga had somehow
missed that. :)
"Too bad I can't say the same about you," added a smirking Ryouga.
Ranma gave him a red eye.
Biiidaaa! :)
Lan gave no warning before he dashed towards Ranma, his sword
coming up in a sweeping blow, only to meet the other sword sword
Doubled 'sword'
"Why should I, Akane? Ryouga getting lost is almost as natural as
the sun rising in the morning. He'll find his way back - he always
does. I'll bet you that in less than a month, no matter where we
are, Ryouga will bump into us *or more precisely me*."
Hmm, thus far, you've been using * to denote thoughts, so the usage here is
rather confusing.
martial artist to threaten Mat with extra sparring sessions, which
shut the older boy quickly enough.
'shut up'? perhaps: 'silenced' instead
Ranma didn't listen, of course. Once she made it to the stop of
the second staircase, she saw Akane and Ukyou walking into one of the
rooms. *They'll hide me!* thought Ranma, as she ran at full tilt
towards the room they had gone in. She opened the door, spinning on
herself and slammed it shut.
'spinning on herself' sounds awkward, perhaps: 'lunged inside, spun, and'
Other comments:
The usage of some of the Japanese is pretty jarring at times.
There were some places where I thought the comma punctuation was off, but I'm very
weak in that area so I didn't comment on them.
All in all, an excellent chapter with very nice descriptive paragraphs. I hope to
see more of this soon (despite the fact I haven't read any of Jordan's work before).
When will the next chapter of LoD appear? :)
Hope this helps.
Phil.