Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 17:20:34 -0600
From: Donovan A Willett
<darknight70@earthlink.net> | Block address
To: "ffml@fanfic.com" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [FIC][SM][AltFuture] Serenity Moon
part 1
HI,
My comments ##
<SNIP>
Donovan 'da Darknight' Willett
----------------------
Standard Disclamer: Sailor Moon belongs to a bunch of
people besides
me. I'm just using it for my own and others
amusement. All original
characters and plotlines unique to Serinity Moon are
all mine... mine
mine mine... Bwa-ha-ha-ha.....
##Pet Peeve time.
Sailor Moon is the creation of Takeuchi Naoko.
Fanfiction writers are using the creations of another
person.
At the VERY least they should be given proper credit.
=======================================
SERENITY MOON
Part 1: Rebirth
by Donovan Alexander Willett
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
Usagi sat straight up in her bed with a gasp.
She sat there
breathing for a moment, then she got up, as quietly as
she could as not
to wake up her husband of sixteen years, and walked
into the bathroom.
There, she splashed her face with water for a moment,
then stood
staring
at the reflection before her. She reached up and ran
her fingers
through her short, blonde hair, thinking once again
that maybe it was
time to let it grow back out again. Maybe not back
into the silly
ponytails that had marked her childhood, but long and
straight like
Minako's had been.
##nice setup. Give a lot of information is few words.
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
Kaede's eyes grew large at that news, but her
mother continued.
"It's time I told you a few things. Me and your
father
## "Your father and I . . ."
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
They knew the
shrine,
it's keeper being
##Why not just call him a priest?
<SNIP>
"I don't get it."
"Our mothers were the Sailor Senshi before they
lost their powers.
Your mother was the original Sailor Moon. Now we are
the Sailors, and
we have a duty."
##Well, the writing is good, very good. It just hasn't
caught my attention.
IMO there need to be more of a hood. So far it looks
like SM next generation.
<SNIP>
"I'm not sure." Kaede replied. "Mom's letter
said something about
your tiara, but I don't remember how it's supposed to
work."
##???? I find it hard to believe Usagi would give the
broach to her
daughter w/o any instructions. Esp. since everyone is
having "dreams"
about impending doom. This IMO is VERY contrived.
They stood there wracking their brains for
something, anything,
when the beast found them. With a roar it swung and
struck Serenity
aside. Sensing wounded prey, it stood over her and
raised it's clawed
hand up to strike again, but it cried out in pain and
spun around.
Out of the mist, like a ghost in the night fog,
came a form of
flowing white. The figure flung something, and the
beast clutched it's
shoulder where a rose carved from red crystal was now
lodged.
Serenity stared in wide eyed amazement as the
figure, a man in the
flowing white garb of an Arabian suddenly drew forth a
golden scimitar
and lunged forward, impaling the beast. The beast
stood there for a
moment holding on to the blade imbedded in it's chest
before white
light
began to shine from the wound and it was consumed in a
flash of
brilliant energy.
##Eeeeep. NOW we have the Moon Light Knight (or Moon
Shadow Knight if
I got the translations from the Japanese)
The writing is good. The dialogue is good. The plot .
. .drags. I've seen all this before
in the original and in other fanfiction.
The girls looked around to see that the energy
had burned off the
mist. The other Dark One stood there open mouthed for
a moment before
reaching in his pocket and pulling something out.
Holding it in his
fist against his chest, he called out. "So, there are
new defenders.
This round is yours, but the war shall be ours." Then
he vanished in a
swirl of light.
##And once again the youma & Co. make an uninspired
attack and are
defeated thanks to the Sailor Senshi with the
unexpected help of the
masked stranger.
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
a not very interesting re-hash of the last battle.
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
Jade walked with an easy stride down the
corridors of the Palace.
She held herself in a regal manner, totally concealing
the mild fear
that overcame her every time she went before her
Queen. But it would
not do to let the ones below her see any hint of
weakness.
Finally she came to a great gate that only a
chosen few could
pass. She composed herself once again and pushed open
the doors.
After
taking a few steps forward with her eyes respectfully
downcast, she
waited to hear the doors swing shut behind her before
dropping to one
knee. "My Eternal Queen, I have come at your
bidding."
"Arise my child." came the whispery voice before
her.
She stood up and gazed at her Queen. Metallia's
possession of
Beryl's body had not done it well, and now the
absolute ruler of all
the
Dark Kingdom was frail. [She looks almost ready to
possess another.]
Jade thought as she waited for Metallia to address
her. [I must be
ready for when she makes her move.]
"What news do you bring me of our efforts, Jade?"
"Team Alpha has succeeded in confirming that the
shrine in
question
was not the home of one of the Crystals, but they
brought back dark
tidings."
"Our enemies have returned." Metallia stated
evenly.
"Two of them, Your Eternal Majesty. They do not
match the
original
descriptions, but the powers were the same. We
believe that these
might
be descendants of the originals."
"I see. Very well, what do you have planned for
this."
Jade readied herself, for if Metallia objected to
her plan, she
might end up a host body long before she had made all
the preparations.
##Much better. IMO you need to move this to the
beginning and get
rid of 90% of the re-telling of the SM season one.
*-*-*-*-*-*
Serenity sat toying with her food as she looked
across the school
grounds to where Yuri and Sakura sat talking
animatedly. Now that she
had a better understanding of what she had become, a
part of her was
hesitant to risk the lives of her friends.
"I hope that look means you are lost in thought."
came a voice
from
above her. She looked up into the eyes of Mikado
Sanjouin.
"Um, hi Mikado." she stuttered out.
Mikado gave her a warm smile that made her relax
for a second
before the nervousness returned. "Why are you eating
alone. I mean,
it
seems that you and Kaede are inseparable. And the two
of you normally
eat lunch with them." he said gesturing toward Yuri
and Sakura.
##I've lost track of who is who? If you're going to
introduce all of these
new characters you're going to have to spend a lot
more time helping
the reader keep them straight.
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
*-*-*-*-*-*
<SNIP>
They turned to look at the battle raging between
the Moonlight
Knight and Hematite to see the man in flowing robes
pressing an
advantage against the minion of the Dark Kingdom.
Hematite looked up
to
see his servants had been destroyed and grasped a
crystal on his lapel.
"Another time, Sailor fools." he called as the gate
suddenly formed
behind him and he vanished before any could do
anything to stop him.
For a moment, nobody moved. Finally Sakura
looked over to Sailor
Venus. "Akiko? What are you doing here?"
##Overall: Very Slow.
The writing, IMO, is good to excellent.
However I don't find the story to this point very
interesting nor do I care much about the characters,
their motivations or what happens to them.
The most interesting part, IMO, was the short scene in
what is apparently the remnants of the Dark Kingdom.
I'm going to try and get to the rest of this fic ASAP.
However it just doesn't catch my interest.
Now this is purely a personal preference. Everyone has
different tastes in stories.
The following, and indeed all of my C&C is IMO and
based on personal likes and dislikes. Take what you
find useful and disregard the rest.
1) Do NOT rehash the first season. Keep this part to a
bare minimum
2) start with the scene in the DK. It's the most
interesting and original
3)Give more tension and conflict with the introduction
of the new senshi.
This is too bland. Have problems getting the senshi
together. Give us some
punk senshi, some depressed senshi . . .give us some
reason to CARE about the senshi. Make us worry about
whether the senshi will get together. Make us care
about whether they win their fights. So far they have
no character.
4)If you MUST have the "Moonlight Knight" don't make
him so much like the original. Make him a her, make
him late, make him a selfish SOB with his own agenda
. . .Something to keep this from being
SM-lite. Again, this is too predictable.
Let's have come conflict, some problems, some dynamic
tension . . .
So far we have SM-TNG fighting some Brand X youma.
However the bit with the DK , Jade and the "Queen" was
_VERY_ nice.
I would much rather read about Jade and the DK.
At this point she is the most interesting character
around. I really don't care
much for or about any of the senshi.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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