Well, this is my first real C&C for someone on the FFML, so I hope
I'll be of any help to you.
I know this is only a draft, but I'll make remarks anyway, because I
know all too well how we can forget little things.
Oh, yeah. Since English isn't my native language (far from it), I can
be wrong about some things related to it... ^_^
----- Original Message -----
From: Michael Chen <michael.h.chen@yale.edu>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Saturday, November 27, 1999 9:57 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fic][OMG][rough draft] "The Bet" chapter 1
AMG: The Bet
by Michael Chen
michael.h.chen@yale.edu
http://pantheon.yale.edu/~mhc8/anime
A nice rough draft. Not finished though.
$Id: amg-the_bet-1.txt,v 1.2 1999/11/26 08:34:49 zenki Exp zenki $
Chapter 1: The Bet.
"Dear sibling, I take it that your presence indicates
interest in my proposition."
Kami-sama sighed, as he stirred the sugar into his cup
of coffee. "I am only interested in preventing your
propositions from hurting people. Your proposition does not
interest me in the slightest."
I think here that the repetition of the word "proposition" is
something to avoid. Three times in four sentences is too much. Perhaps
something like "I am only interested in preventing your so called
propositions from hurting people. This one does not interest me in the
slightest."
A laugh. "You seriously think that I would believe that
you would leave your office, leave Yggdrasil unattended, and
just to chit-chat with me over a cup of latte in Midgard?
No, you won't bother with this mere trifle unless you were
genuinely interested."
He turned away and sipped a bit of coffee. "I'm only
interested insomuch as to the threat that you pose to
humans."
"Me pose a threat?" The Devil put on an air of pain.
"You must recognize that without humans, I would have no
means of entertaining myself at all. Destroying Midgard is
the last thing on my mind."
"Somehow I don't feel relieved."
"It's just a bet. Nothing more, nothing less."
Kami-sama sighed and eyed his brother. "Bet's never
exist without a payoff. What exactly do you have in mind?"
Isn't it "Bets never exist..."?? It's plural, right?
"Perhaps something simple, like the looser has to do the
winner's bidding."
Kami-sama raised an eyebrow.
"Ok ok, for a period of time equal in length to one
Midgard day, and it can't include stuff overly destructive
like burn Yggsadrasil to the ground."
"Slightly better. And what exactly is this bet?"
But Kami-sama's brother wasn't exactly paying attention,
his attention having been conveniently diverted by the
waitress who was cleaning the table next to them.
Still this problem of repetitions. I'd suggest "But Kami-sama's
brother wasn't exactly listening, ..."
"Later brother dear, after I," and with a smooth motion,
he sent his cup of coffee on a crash course with the ground,
"gratify myself."
The waitress gave him a look, and in response, he oozed
innocence and crouched down to pick up the pieces.
Kami-sama sighed and buried his face into his hands.
The concept of God and The Enemy peacefully talking in front of a cafe
is not something really new to the fiction world. But it's still a
good one, and it seems like you're making them really in-character (as
far as we can tell ^_^). Perhaps the last gesture of Kami-sama is a
little exagerated, but who am I to tell??
* * *
Keiichi sighed as stared out the window. It was early,
Well, seems like there's a missing word here. "... as he stared..."
was surely what you intended to write.
it was Sunday, and he still had a problem set that somehow
remained unfinished before him due tomorrow. For strange
reason, he didn't feel any particular urge to do his
homework, and was quite safe from feelings of pain that
procrastinators oft feel.
But still, with slight effort, he lifted the pencil and
half-heartily scratched out a few guesses on a piece of
scrap.
A few problems later, he chanced a look outside and
found impeccable weather, weather that begged to be taken
advantage of.
Giving in to desires, he slammed the books shut.
Standing up and working the kinks out of his back with a
quick stretch, he walked off to find Belldandy.
He found her working on something in the living room.
"Say, Belldandy, are you up for a walk? I feel I need a
quick break from homework."
She smiled as if she had been waiting for him to ask
that question. "Sure, let's go. The weather is absolutely
beautiful today."
The two of them walked to the front door, and carefully
donned their shoes, when the phone rang.
Belldandy took off her shoes and rushed to pick up the
phone. Keiichi could hear silent talking, Belldandy
speaking into the phone with a hushed voice. A minute or
two later, she hung up the phone.
Okay, perhaps I'm a pain in the ass, but again the repeatitions aren't
nice in a text. Why not try to find something else than "phone"?
"So who was it?" he asked as she slowly approached, her
footsteps deliberate, her head bowed down concealing
emotions from him.
She looked up, her sadness overwhelming him. He tried to
comfort her, but a sudden fit of sleepiness overcame him,
and he succumbed to deep, dreamless slumber.
Wow, interesting! What could it be that Belldandy-sama is obliged to
make him sleep? I'm finding your story more and more interesting...
* * *
Keiichi woke up literally with a start as he felt a hand
slap him. Still smarting, his eyes clenched shut, he
uttered the first thing that came to his mind. "URD!"
And surely enough, Urd, far away, shouted, "What now?
Can't a goddess watch some tv in peace?"
He opened his eyes and found himself looking at two very
angry eyes. Mara, his goddess, his one and only, angry?
Ooookay... What's going on? "Mara, his goddess"??
"Geez, we were going out on a walk, and you just had to
fall asleep and plant your face in my bosom," she screamed,
while struggling with her dress. "Why does Belldandy have
to like restricting..."
Mmh... Knowing Mara and her tastes, I'd think she's the one who likes
"restricting" outfits... ^o^
He pleaded for forgiveness. "I'm sorry. It's still
nice out, why don't we go for a walk? It's a beautiful day,
and maybe you would like a break from routine?"
Mara sighed as she remembered the stipulation that she
was supposed to follow -- she had to be sweet and nice.
"Very well, let's go."
"Stipulations"? I think I know where it's going, and what's the bet.
The two barely made a step when Urd decided to see what
the commotion was about. "Hey, Bell, what's with..." She
froze still when she saw Mara not in her usual leather but
rather in a nice, frilly dress.
She laughed, rather enthusiastically, and barely spoke
between spasms. "Mara... you're... in... a... dress!"
Mara growled. "Well, let's see you try one of these on,
and we'll see who's laughing! If I could, I would..." Her
voice was laced with threat.
"Oh, a little fight is what you want? Well, you're
going to get a fight!" And the two of them cocked back
their fists in preparation to unleash fury.
Keiichi stepped between the two. "Please stop. Maybe
we should..." He never finished, interrupted by the two
fists that collided into him.
The two "goddesses" watched Keiichi slowly sink to the
ground, his face distorted from the force of two punches.
"Look at what you did to poor Keiichi," shouted Urd as
she picked up what was left of Keiichi and thoughtfully
hugged him close and tight.
Wow! Sometimes, I think I'd like to take his place! ^_^
(I know, I'm not the only one...)
Well, if you except the parts where he's punched, electrocuted,
changed into a woman (almost), etc
"Well, you punched him too!" retorted Mara, as she
pulled Keiichi free from Urd. He was still quite dazed and
came along without resistance.
As the two of them strolled through the park, Mara
couldn't help but mutter colorful descriptions of what she
thought about Urd.
Keiichi sighed, as this walk was anything but
comforting. He hadn't expected Mara to be in such a
negative frame of mind. "Mara, are feeling fine? Are you
Hm. "... are you feeling fine?"
tired?"
Mara was genuinely surprised for his concern, especially
after she had smacked him and then punched him. "I feel
different, trapped almost."
"Know how you feel," said Keiichi. "I feel trapped."
"You?" She was quite incredulous.
"Yeah, pressure from my parents, pressure from my
friends, and sometimes pressure from your sisters." He
angled away from the path and settled down next to a tree.
Silence.
He looked up at her, she had remained standing and did
not sit down when he did. "Why don't you have a seat here?
There's such a great view."
She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not tired."
He stared far away, and fell silent.
Mara looked down, and eventually her patience ran out,
and swiftly, she settled next to him, perhaps a bit too
close to him.
He blushed as he felt the outline of her body through
her dress pressing against him.
Okay. If Mara has taken Belldandy's place, and Keiichi remembers her
as sweet as the goddess, I think he should be a little more concerned
about her. Hel! She'd just landed a punch on him, she's muttering
threats on Urd, she's harsh... It should even be frightening, don't
you think?
* * *
Urd smiled to herself as she admired her face in a
mirror. She tossed the handmirror aside as she resumed to
her task at hand, finding out what exactly was going on.
The mirror shimmered and out walked Belldandy. Urd
leaned backwards to take a look at her visitor, and she was
quite surprised to see her angelic sister dressed in a way
that Mara would approve -- leather jacket, leather pants,
the whole works.
Trying to picture that.
System overload.
Not enough imagination.
Shutdown in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Shutdown complete.
^_^
Even her goddess emblem was gone, instead the harsh
markings of a demoness were in its place.
Urd shook her head. "Belldandy, while I do approve of
your choice in clothing, what's with the demon markings?"
^_^
Belldandy looked around timidly. "Is Keiichi around?"
"Nope, Mara dragged him out of here. Now, she's one
messed up demoness. She's all dressed up all prim and
proper."
Urd turned around and gave her sister full attention.
"Mara and you dressed up weird just can't be a coincidence?"
Always so insightful, our dear Urd...
Belldandy sighed. "Apparently Kami-sama hasn't told
you."
"Apparently not."
Weeee!! I was right! They exchanged places!
* * *
The waitress walked up to Kami-sama and his darker
brother, somewhat amused. "You don't have to help. I can
clean this up myself."
The Devil gave his brother a wink.
"Ouch!" she said, dropping the piece of glass that had
cut her.
"Oh, you're cut," he said, as he knelt next to her.
"Here, let me make you feel better." And having said that,
he licked the bleeding wound.
She tried to protest, but a strange feeling came over
her as she stared at the pink tongue, delicately sliding
over her finger, in a leisurely, erotic way.
She sighed contently.
That was when Kami-sama snapped his fingers and broke
the influence that his brother had over the poor waitress.
She stood up suddenly, blushing violently, and then without
a word, she ran off to the bathroom.
"Enough with the games."
The Devil sighed, "You're such a party pooper. Anyways,
I was having a conversation with a succubus the other day,
and she made an interesting comment, quite unusual might I
add. Succubi usually just love to prattle on and on about
dreams and messing around with people..."
"Get to the point."
"No need to rush me!" exclaimed the Devil. "She made an
interesting comment about what would happen if I could get a
demoness and a goddess from your Relief Office to completely
switch roles."
"Your point? There's nothing special about that."
"Well, here's the kicker. What if you and I evaluated
each. How well can the goddess be a demoness, and how well
can the demoness be a goddess? If the goddess does a better
job, then you win. If the demoness does a better job, then
I win."
Kami-sama sighed. "Such a contest doesn't quite
interest me at all."
Well, as I said, English isn't my native language, but the words
"quite" and "at all" in the same sentence don't seem right. What do
you think?
"How about this. You can pick my representative, and I
can pick your representative." There was no response from
Kami-sama. "Come on, you're no fun at all! It's been six
eons since we've last played together. Don't you ever wish
for the good, old days?"
"Alright, for old time's sake," muttered Kami-sama.
"But remember, limitations must be placed on the outcome and
the winner can not demand for something that will last for
more than one day in Midgard."
"Hey, remember, Evil can't exist without Good," said
the Devil with a smile. "I'm not here to destroy you. I'm
just a little bored, that's all."
Yeah, right. There's always something else behind his schemes. I hope
I'm wrong, though. Seems like fun anyway without something else.
* * *
Urd shook her head. "So the Devil chose you."
"Yes, and Kami-sama chose Mara."
"Let me get this straight. If you're good at being a
Demoness, Kami-sama has the power to ask his brother to do
anything? But if Mara is better at being a Goddess, the
Devil gets to ask Kami-sama to do anything?"
Belldandy nodded her head.
Urd moaned as she downed a glass of sake. "So how long
is this charade supposed to last?"
"One month."
Urd then realized something. "Say, if you're supposed
to be a demoness, your appearance here is not a good sign."
Demoness Belldandy nodded her head in agreement. "Yes,
I intend to sabotage dinner and give Mara a hard time."
With a groan, Urd slammed her head against the table a
couple of times.
"Did I say something wrong?" asked Belldandy, who was
quite perplexed by her sister's behavior.
Urd looked up and snapped at Belldandy. "You're
supposed to be bad. You don't have to tell me what you
intend to do."
Makes sense. Urd is perfect to help Belldandy-sama be a "better"
demoness.
* * *
"We're home!" exclaimed Keiichi as he and Mara walked in
the front door.
Urd ran up to the two of them, like a child expecting a
gift, but what enthusiasm she had quickly disappeared. "Oh,
no food. I'm starving here, when's dinner?"
Mara sighed and rubbed her temples with her hand. "I'll
make dinner."
She walked into the kitchen, bumping into Skuld who was
carrying an armload of ice cream and chocolate syrup, all of
which she thoughtfully dropped onto the floor as she
screamed and ran out of the kitchen.
Mara swore as she looked at the mess that she had to
clean.
You know, I feel almost like pitying Mara.
Skuld ran screaming out of the kitchen and encountering
Keiichi and Urd, she stopped screaming, eyed the two of
them, and decided to seek comfort from the lesser of two
evils.
She resumed screaming and ran to Keiichi. "There's a
demon in the kitchen!"
^_^
Urd looked to the kitchen and promptly heard Mara
tearing through the refrigerator and cupboards, and then she
looked at Skuld.
"Ignore a word the little runt's saying. She's
delirious from all the ice cream." Urd pried Skuld free
from Keiichi and dragged her off. "She just needs some
rest."
Keiichi just stood there confused.
"Help me! Urd's going to sell me to the demon!"
^_^ (yeah, once again)
* * *
Mara grabbed a cookbook and placed it on the table.
"Cooking can't be too hard. If Belldandy can do it, why
can't I?"
She quickly flipped through the book, finally settling
on a recipe that seemed interesting.
She eyed the ingredients list and one by one she sought
out each entry. "Some cabbage... some carrots... an eye of
a newt... some arsenic..."
She paused as she realized the further down the list of
ingredients she read, the more they didn't seem quite right.
Perplexed, she returned to the cookbook and found that the
entire list had changed in the meantime.
Angrily, she tossed the cookbook aside and grabbed
another one.
And she tried again, and again, but there was some evil
conspiracy among all the cookbooks against her, and the same
thing happened again and again.
"I can't believe this!" she cried out in frustration.
She gazed at the clock, which indicated that she had to have
a dinner ready in five minutes, and at the kitchen table
which was covered with all the foodstuffs that she could
find in the kitchen.
"Oh, food is food. I'll just boil all of this stuff..."
she thought as she walked over to the stove. But
unfortunately for her, the stove was a co-conspirator with
the cookbooks and with a low roar, it flamed brightly,
overwhelming her.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Only Belldandy could be... er... Belldandy enough, to
curse a kitchen!!! This is rich!
* * *
Urd laughed insanely as she heard Mara cursing in the
kitchen at the stubborn stove.
Well, yeah, exactly what I was thinking.
Keiichi gave her an angry glare. "Only you would laugh
in a situation like this." He stood up and walked into the
kitchen and found Mara kneeling on the floor, muttering to
herself.
"I can't do this, I can't do this," she said over and
over again, like a mantra.
He took a look at the stove which was breathing fire and
shaking around in a most unnatural way, throwing food around
and making a terrible mess. He ignored the pieces of
flambed food flying around and knelt down next to her.
"Don't worry. I'll go order some food. We can clean
this mess up later," he said. "Why don't you get some
rest?" He helped Mara to her feet.
That was when the kitchen sink decided that it was a
good time to participate in the mayhem. The faucet spun
impossibly fast until it fell over and a strong jet of water
sprayed out, aimed at just the perfect angle to completely
saturate Mara from head to toe.
Drenched, cold, and angry, she grabbed him by the
collars and pulled him close. "I can't take this any more!"
she screamed.
Urd sighed contently as she heard Mara's scream of
defeat. "Life's beginning to become interesting."
Of course! Since in Keiichi's mind, Mara is his true love, Belldandy
will find everything, do anything to prevent her from being too close
from Keiichi. And of course, Keiichi being the gentleman he is
(sometimes) he'll be gentle and kind with Mara.
Who'd think that for Keiichi, Belldandy-sama would gladly be one of
the best (well, or worst, depends on the point of view) demoness?
* * *
Keiichi carefully donned his jacket and fished the keys
for his motorbike out of the dresser. He silently lamented
about his unusual life.
Quickly leafing through his wallet, he paused before
Mara's door, hand poised to knock.
The door was roughly pulled open, and he found himself
face to face with the scariest face that he could possible
see in his entire life. "What do you want? Are you here to
make my life even worse?"
He took a step back. "I just wanted to know whether you
wanted to eat anything specifically," he said in a very
small voice.
That was when he noticed the Mara was quite naked, and
her charms were quite bare for him to see. He suddenly
blushed bright red, as if all of his blood had decided to
pool up in his face.
He shielded his eyes quickly. "I'm so sorry!" He then
turned and ran.
Urd looked up from a comic book just in time to see him
tear out of the door. She sighed. "Still a little school
boy."
"Do you think I was a little harsh?"
Urd looked up and found a tiny Belldandy sitting on a
pillow next to her. "Hey, you're supposed to be bad. I
think you did a pretty good job."
Belldandy frowned, slightly. "Keiichi wasn't too
pleased. And he's fawning over Mara."
Yes. I see the problems coming.
The tone of voice surprised Urd. "Well, he thinks Mara
is his true love."
"Do you think Mara is more attractive than me?"
"Nah. If you weren't in this stupid bet, Keiichi would
take you over Mara any day."
Belldandy sighed. "By the way, when are you going to
untie Skuld?"
Urd glanced sideways at Belldandy. "Thanks for
reminding me."
Skuld tried her best to scream, but the bindings around
her hands, ankles and mouth were too much for her.
^_^
* * *
"Most unimpressive."
Mara sat up in bed and found the Devil sitting in a
chair looking at her.
"Belldandy is winning so far," he said as he leaned
forwards. "And you haven't been doing anything to rack up
points."
"It's really hard. I'm just not used to..."
"Well, of all the goddesses that I could have chosen,
Belldandy has got to be the purest of all of them. And
she's turing out to be a rather productive demon."
Mara looked down. "I can't do this..."
The Devil grabbed her head and tapped his cold fingers
against her scalp, as if drumming his words into her head.
"Think about it. You have a life of leisure now. You have
a devoted boyfriend, no, slave. You just have to be a good
goddess. I hope you understand, because if I lose, it is
going to be your fault."
He stood up and bared his fangs. "And I hate losing
to my brother." With a puff of fire and smoke, he
disappeared, leaving Mara in a cold sweat.
* * *
Mara couldn't sleep that night. Having slept in coffins
for most of her life, she found the bed a bit too soft for
her tastes.
She put on her gown and left her room, only to, by some
strange joke of fate, to literally bump into Keiichi who was
balancing a tray of food and a couple books.
"What are you doing up so late?" she asked.
He bowed his head down. "I'm paying pennance for
procrastinating." To emphasize his point, he held up the
heavy tomes for her to see.
At that inopportune moment, Mara's stomach, enticed by
the sight and smell of food, growled loudly in protest.
"You didn't have dinner. There's still some stuff left
over in the refrigerator if you're interested." He smiled.
"I literally had to fend Urd off with my chopsticks. Enjoy
it while you can."
He walked to his room, and closed the door behind him.
* * *
Mara carefully openned the plastic trays and helped
herself to the food. It was cold, but to her starving
stomach, delicious. Hungrily, she attacked the food and
helped herself to some tea.
"So, Keiichi, still..." Urd barged into the kitchen,
and frowned when she found Mara finishing up the leftovers.
"Oh, it's you."
Mara gestured to the teapot. "Have some tea,
complements of Keiichi."
Urd sighed and sat next to Mara. "Might as well." She
eyed the bare containers in front of Mara who appeared to be
quite satiated. "Not as good as Chinese food, though."
She watched the steaming cup of tea. "I know what
you're thinking. You don't want to be a goddess. If you
had a choice between dying and being a goddess, I know you
would rather die."
"Your point being?" growled Mara.
"Why don't you just give up? Neither side wins, you can
go back to being a demon, and Belldandy can get the
attention that she deserves."
"Urd, I can't give up. While Keiichi was out, the Devil
visited me. He told me that I had to win and there was no
other way." She shivered slightly. "He can think of
millions of punishments worse than death."
Urd savored some tea then flashed Mara a grin. "You
don't have too much choice then." Her grin melted away,
leaving behind only a serious expression. "But remember
this, if you do anything to Keiichi, I'll make sure for the
next millions of eons, you will be enjoying a most exquisite
form of pain."
"He's only mortal."
O_o? What do you mean by that? If I'm not mistaking, it means that he
can die. Now, perhaps you wanted to write "He's only a mortal.", by
opposition to gods and demons.
* * *
"I want to go to school with you!" cried Skuld as she
Well, I find the story very interesting so far. Very Fujishima-esque,
in fact ^_^.
A good thing too is that there's almost no errors in most of the text.
I just can't wait for the rest of the story! Will the kind attentions
of Keiichi make Belldandy angrier and Mara less demonic? Will Skuld
let Keiichi go to school? Will Urd stop laughing about all of this??
OrcRys
"What is this reality thing everybody is talking about??"
Mail : orcrys@free.fr
Homepage : http://www.multimania.com/orcris
OrcRys Anime Fanfiction : http://orcrys.free.fr