Hi,
My comments ##
From: TendouNabiki@webtv.net (Yuvia Chairez) | Block
address Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1999 04:26:00 -0600 (CST)
To: ffml@fanfic.com
CC: RyougaHibiki@webtv.net, Hespenhide@webtv.net
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][fic] R2K: The Fanfic
<SNIP
________________________________________
R2K: The Fanfic
By
Akihiro
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 characters are property of
Takahashi Rumiko and
any other group or individual with a legal copyright
claim. Y2K: The
Movie is property of NBC (unless I'm mistaken). I
claim no ownership
to
either.
{...} Indicates character thoughts.
NOTE: As this is set well after the Ranma series ends
(early November,
1999 through January 1st, 2000) I have made some
changes from what was
in the actual story. For example, Ranma and Akane are
now married (as
Takahashi-sama said they one day would be). All other
pairings are to
suit what the author thinks.
##IMO author notes should go at the end. This setup
should be obvious
from the story line. (Unless it's a VERY short story.)
Not a big problem, just a personal preference.
________________________________________
Saotome Ranma was next to the koi pond in the yard one
evening going
through a kata to help him relax. It had been a
rather long day, but
##Ummmm, IMO don't use things like "one evening".
Specify if needed.
Delete if NOT necessary to the story.
Example : "Saotome Ranma was doing kata beside the koi
pond. It had been
a stressful January morning but . . ." etc, etc.
If you NEED to let the reader know the time, be
specific. Otherwise it's just filler.
as
his body flowed naturally through the motions of the
kata he felt the
stress and anxiety slowly begin to leave him...
Only to be replaced by a rush of adrenaline as he
heard Akane's scream
from inside the house.
##1)I'd put the scream FIRST.
2) Followed by Ranma's reaction. IMO it flows more
naturally. Also,
let the writing SHOW Ranma's reaction. Use words and
sentence structure to SHOW
what Ranma's feeling.
Example:
"RANMA!!!"
An adrenaline surge blasted him halfway across the
yard before
the last syllable of his name died.
"RANMA!!!"
He immediately broke from his exercises and dashed
into the house. He
frantically searched the entire Tendou home room by
room trying to find
Akane. Just as he was to start thinking of possible
kidnappers, he
heard a lound noise in the kitchen.
##???OK, Kitchen is on first floor. I would think
Ranma would search
there first. Unless Akane is not in the kitchen when
he starts searching. In
this case make this clear at the beginning . . .have
Ranma explicitly start his search in the kitchen
and work his way through the house. A diagram of the
Tendou house may be found at Tendo Home Project:
http://www.jps.net/searlsa/tendo/intro.html
Also, make the writing reflect Ranma's anxiety. Use
words and sentence structure that
reflect his fear and tension.
Ranma quickly dashed
##He's already dashed. ^_^
into the room
expecting the worst. {Well, maybe not the worst,} he
thought. {Her
cooking is a lot better than it used to be.}
##Don't need brackets {}
As he entered the room he
was left totally speechless by the sight before him.
##Ummmm, a little bland
Akane seemed to be carrying every jar, pot, tub, and
bucket from the
entire household along with anything else that looked
like it would
hold liquid. In her left hand she held about half of
the containers while
the right held the other half, which were apparently
already filled
with water.
##A little bland.
Ranma slowly walked toward her and carefully extended
a hand to place
on he shoulder. "Akane-chan?" he asked hesitantly as
the adrenaline rush
started to ease away.
Akane, who was entirely unprepared for the move,
jumped straight into
the air, inadvertantly dropping all she held onto
Ranma. "WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!" she screeched at the redhead
before she
calmed a small bit. "You could have given me a heart
attack!!!"
"I was about to ask you the same thing," Ranma replied
as she pulled
herself from beneath the pile of empty containers. "I
thought someone
was trying to kill you or something and I come in here
to find you
hogging the water like it's going out of style. You
can't possibly be
that thirsty can you?"
##Cute
"No, baka! It's for Y2K!!!" she responded as though
it should be
blatantly obvious.
A look of confusion crossed Ranma's face. "What's a
'Y2K'?"
Akane looked over the martial artist in frustration
before showing the
girl to the family room where both sat down. "Y2K is
the year
two-thousand. All sorts of problems are going to
happen when the new
year hits because everyones' computers aren't able to
recognize a four
digit year."
The other girl was still confused. "So, what does
that mean?"
"That means that all of the computers of the world
will think it the
year nineteen-hundred instead of two-thousand!" she
explained as she
started to work into a panic again.
"Well," Ranma replied with a smile. "There is one
good thing about
that."
Akane developed an inquisitive look, but remained
silent.
"We hadn't been forced into this marriage in
nineteen-hundred."
When Ranma woke up and felt the lump on his head, he
decided that not
everyone could appreciate good humor. {Well, at least
someone changed
me back.} He stood and started looking for Akane to
offer an appology.
##Cute. ^_^ (use spell check. )
Back in the kitchen, Akane had just finished filling
the last of the
water containers and placed it into a cabinet. She
was about to head
for the bedroom to get the shopping money so she could
stockpile canned
goods and dried foods when a voice came from behind
her interupting her
thoughts.
"That was a joke, you know," Ranma said simply as he
leaned against the
door frame.
Akane took a deep breath then slowly exhaled. "I
know," she said
without turning. "But we're all in so much trouble
even if the world
doesn't end that we just can't make jokes about this."
"Whoa!" he cut her off. "Let's talk about this some
more. I'll make a
deal, no more bad jokes if you won't just blindly say
that we're all
gonna die like that. How about it?"
"Alright, but I have a condition too. After I
explain, you have to
help me prepare.
"If I'm convinced that we're in that much danger, I'll
do anything you
say," the pig-tailed martial artist replied.
##BOY has Ranma mellowed. ^_^
"Fair enough," she relented. "But even if you aren't
convinced, you
can't interfere wth my preparations."
##And Akane has been replaced by pod-people. 0_0
Ranma nodded before leaving for the family room again.
They both sat
down as Ranma turned to his wife. "Now why don't you
start with how
you got started on this 'high blue A' thing."
##???Ummm, nice idea. You might play with that a bit.
I had to
think a minute to connect Y2K = �high blue A'
"Y2K," she corrected. "And it started while you were
outside working
out. I saw this program on the television about Y2K
and it got me
thinking aout it."
##NOW she's seeing it? OTOH the Japanese really aren't
saying much about it.
And they have a LOT of computer controlled systems.
Many more w/o manual
support than any other country in the world.(depending
on which articles you read)
The young man carefully watched Akane as she started
to explain.
"Like I said before, the computers of the world won't
recognize a four
digit year and they will all shut down because of
that."
"No computer in the world will be working after 12:00
AM January
first?" Ranma asked skeptically. "As far as
technology has advanced I find
that hard to believe. Besides, what if the computers
do shut down, we don't
have one here. All of the dojo's ledgers are in a
paper file in our
room. And what does that have to do with water?"
##????RANMA!!! Ummmm, this seems so OOC that I can't
believe
it's Ranma. Akane is a bit hard to believe as well.
But Ranma is . . .
IMO the extent of Ranma's technical competence would
be turning the
light switch from off to on.
As Akane prepared to answer, a small figure found its
way into the
family room and sat quietly near the pair to listen.
"All of the utilities are run by computers, so we have
to stock up on
water, wood to burn for cooking and heating, and we
have to have a
large supply of cash on hand since the bank's
computers will be out and we
can't write checks."
##Hmmmm, Actually the Tendou home looks to be fairly
traditional so they
may still use charcoal heaters. (not wood). Many of
the traditional under-the-table heaters
have been replaced by electric heaters but it wouldn't
be implausible to believe the
Tendou home still used charcoal. Also, the Japanese
have a fairly comprehensive
emergency preparedness system for dealing with
earthquakes and typhoons. Again,
judging from the traditional (allowing for comedy) way
the Tendou's live in the
manga/anime they shouldn't have too much trouble
dealing with Y2K.
"But if all computers will go out like you're saying,
why bother having
cash on hand?" Ranma asked. "I mean, aren't all of
the cash registers
and stores run on computers these days?"
##Good point. I just have trouble imagining RANMA
thinking of it.
Sounds more like Nabiki. ^_^
P-chan shot a dirty look at Ranma and wished he could
shout {WHAT ARE
YOU DOING, TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE?!}
##Errrr, why NOT shout? would be funnier and more in
character. IMO.
Ranma winced as he realized what he had done.
Akane's eyes got bigger as she realized what Ranma
meant. "OH MY
GOD!!! YOU'RE RIGHT!!!" she screamed. "We won't be
able to buy anything!!!"
{Why did I say that?} Ranma absently wondered as he
desperately tried
to calm his wife from her renewed panic. "It'll be
okay Akane. It's
still two months away, and even if all of the
computers do go out and the
monetary system is destroyed, we'll all probably go
back to the barter
system anyways, everyone has something to trade. If
we need any goods
or services we can trade martial arts lessons.
Besides, I'm used to
roughing it," he added. "Have you forgotten that me
and Oyaji were on
the road for ten years with no technology at all? And
that was without
two months of preparation before we left, we signed
the contract with
Ofukuro, grabbed some clothes and left just like that.
I'm sure we'll
get through your Y2K just fine, no matter what it
throws at us."
"Even nuclear missiles?" Akane inquired.
The miniature black pig turned to Akane in shock as
though to say
{WHAT?!}
##What pig??? (where did HE come from?)
"What are you talking about now, Akane?" Ranma asked
in even more
confusion than he had started with.
"Do you remember that American movie we saw a while
back called
'Wargames'?" she asked. "You know, the one where
Ferris Buller almost
started a nuclear war by hacking into a government
computer."
"Oh yeah!" Ranma exclaimed. hat was a good show!"
"Well do you remember when Ferris asked why they
didn't just turn the
computer off to stop it from launching?" she
continued. "The response
was that the computer would think that the base had
been wiped out and
would automatically launch the missiles anyway. When
the American
government computers shut down, their missiles may
launch. And not
just American missiles, but Russian and any other
country with nuclear
missiles as well, it may well turn into doomsday for
anyone not in a
fall out shelter."
##Actually the biggest danger is from a melt-down of
Japanese nuclear power plants.
they use MUCH more computer support than comparable
western reactors. The danger of
an accidental launch is probably not too great. MUCH
more danger from somebody
in Japan losing control of a power reactor. IMO this
is a much more plausible scenario.
If you want the missile scenario (and many people seem
to be worried about it) it needs more build up in the
story.
P-chan rose from the floor and darted in the direction
he thought would
get him to the bathroom, unnoticed by the other two
present.
{I'm scared of fall out too,} thought Ranma.
{According to Ofukuro,
Oyaji was about my age when he started loosing his
hair.} It took a
supreme will to repress his own laughter to a simple
smile which he
quickly followed up with a kiss to Akane's cheek so
she would think it
was out of affection. "That was just a movie, they
needed an
explanation for why they didn't just turn the damn
thing off. It was
only a plot device," he said soothingly. "I promise
you we'll be
fine."
##????I still can't believe in this calm reasonable
Ranma. Akane isn't too bad.
IMO Ranma needs to be a little more arrogant and self
assured. The bit about
traveling for ten years was good. I'm not too sure
about trading martial arts lessons though.
IMO think of some more realistic examples from Ranma's
days on the road. Cut wood, carry water. ^_^ Perhaps
body guard, fireman, farm work, working on a dock,
etc. And, of course,
if there's no transportation how do they get food and
water INTO Tokyo and garbage out. ^_^
How do they barter for food and medial supplies if
there are none to barter for. Japan is an island. they
IMPORT a LOT.
"Well," Akane replied. "I apparently haven't
convinced you of all of
the trouble we're in..."
Ranma shook his head in the negative.
"But I'm gonna be ready!"
***
Ranma awoke the next morning to find himself alone in
bed. {Did I
oversleep?} he wondered tiredly. {Akane is always the
last one up.}
##Since when?
His concentration was shattered, however as he heard
an explosion in
the yard followed by a shout.
"No, Ryouga," called Akane in exasperation and
exhaustion. "If you're
gonna do this for me it has to go deeper."
##LEMON!!!
"Sorry, Akane," replied the martial artist in question
sounding almost
out of breath. "I just don't know how deep you need
it. I've never
done this before."
Ranma's curiousity was peaked when, after another
blast he heard Akane
shout again in a winded voice. "OKAY!!! Okay! No
more, that's deep
enough!!!"
The pig-tailed man of the house could not refrain from
following the
voies to there source where he found Ryouga and Akane
in a large hole
in the yard. Both were covered in sweat and dirt, and
Akane was holding a
shovel. "Good thing Tendou-san went to the Alps with
Oyaji,"
##Alps???
Ranma muttered. "He would die if he knew what was
being done to the yard
here."
***
Somewhere deep in the Swiss Alps the repeated echo of
a sneeze was
heard. After several minutes of dead silence, an
ominous rumbling
arose and grew steadily into a thunderous roar, a roar
which was quickly
followed by what seemed to be two shrieks of terror
multiplied
one-thousand fold.
##LOL. Keeper. Perhaps mention they are in the Alps
trying to avoid Happosai.
***
"You're doing what?" Ranma asked in amazement.
"We're making a fall out shelter for when the nuclear
missiles launch,"
Akane said cheerfully.
"Whatever," Ranma replied. "I'll go ahead and teach
your classes for
you so you can continue."
##Cute.
"Thanks, Ranma-kun!" Akane said as she gave him a
quick peck on the
cheek. "It'll be quite a while before we're done
because we still have
to get six one foot thick steel panels to enclose the
hole, make a door
on the top panel, attatch a ladder, place five feet of
dirt on top of
the shelter, assemble shelves for storing all of the
supplies, actually
go buy the supplies, install an air filtration system
so we can breath
once we're inside, and get a lot of all kinds of
medical equipment. It
might take us a little while."
Ranma's eyes had gotten steadily larger as Akane's
list did the same.
"Okay," he finally said. "But you're paying or it
all." He then
continued on to the dojo to teach the day's classes.
##Cute.
OK, keep the missiles. this id a good section. Just
work on the dialogue a bit
in the first section talking about missiles. I'd get
rid of the movie "war games"
and think of something else. And don't make Ranma so
darn REASONABLE. ^_^
***
Ranma watched each morning for nearly two months as
his wife and his
best friend (though he would never admit it)
##???Hmmmm, maybe. I'm not too sure about this. IMO
better not to
have Ryouga as "best friend". OTOH it's JUST barely
supportable (depending on
how you look at things.) I find it difficult to
rationalize a best friend "sleeping"
with my fianc�. (Even as a pig.) Or trying to steal my
fiancee or . . .well, you get
the idea.
continued to work on their
Y2K fortress. And as if the paranoia of Akane and
Ryouga wasn't
enough, every time they went for supplies they felt it
was their duty to warn
all of the other unsuspecting Nerima residents. By
mid-December,
Tokyo's Nerima ward was in total Y2K panic mode.
Ukyou had hired extra hands at Ucchans and would be
open twenty-four
hours every day until the new year so people could
stock up on her
okonomiyaki (or at the very least drop in on New
Year's Eve for a fine
last meal).
##Cute.
The Nekohanten had made similar arrangements to remain
open having
brought Lin-lin and Ran-ran back along with several
other Jokestuzoku
to help out. When Ranma asked wh they didn't just
return to their remote
part of China, they informed him that if the nukes did
go off they
would not survive as the Chinese government itself had
a missile pointed at
the village. "Their ultimate revenge for us not
rolling over and
playing dead," Cologne had explained.
##???I'm not sure the Chinese would point a nuke at
the Amazons. They've
got the worlds biggest land army. Plus it's not a good
idea to shoot yourself
with a nuke. tends to decrease property values.
The Kunou Mansion had been encased in state of the art
anti-Y2K
technology almost overnight and also included a fall
out shelter with
working air-locks and radiation suits to take walks
outside and avoid
cabin fever.
Nabiki came back to Nerima to withdraw her money from
the local bank.
"This is the only financial institution I would even
show my money to,"
she had once said.
##Why???
Of course such a large withdraw, word spread and
there was soon a run on the bank.
Principal Kunou even moved his Hawaiian style hut of
an office to the
center of the school yard where he had it placed
inside a giant steel
pineapple.
Ranma simply continued with every day life as usual
until all of his
martial arts students had quit the classes to make
their own
preparations. After that happened, he simply worked
out each day to
maintain his own level.
***
"Come on, Ranma!!!" Akane shouted. "There's not even
an hour left! We
have to get home to the shelter!"
Ranma looked around Ukoyu's 'End of the World Party'
for a few moments
before replying, "Surely we can stay a little longer!"
"No, we can't!!!" Akane demaded. "We are leaving...
NOW!!!"
"Fine," he muttered. "Dull party anyways, everyone we
know already
left."
The Saotomes returned to their home and, along with
Ryouga and a few
others, climbed down the ladder into the Y2K fortress.
Ranma sat quietly between the two hospital beds. On
his left laid a
slender man in a full body cast with just a touch of
black hair visible
(though the black was obviously fading to a grey). To
his right, there
was an extremely large creature (also in a full body
cast) making
unintelligible sounds.
"I'm sorry, Oyaji," Ranma said. "But you can't change
back right now,
you were messed up too bad in that avanlanche. And it
was made even
worse when the thaw that let you be found changed you
into the panda
form. If you changed again before you heal it might
kill you."
##Awwww, I thought you were gonna leave them in the
Alps.
Perhaps as a mate for yeti.
"Wise words, son," the mummy to Ranma's left said in
Soun's voice.
"You obviously care greatly for your father."
"No," replied the young man. "I don't want him to die
because we're
all gonna be down here until Akane sets us free, if
I'm stuck here so is
he. Anyway, I'm going to make sure everyone is settled
in okay."
As Nodoka approached the group, Ranma got up to patrol
the room.
Toufuu-sensei and Kasumi seemed okay, they would watch
over the wounded
and keep everyone calm.
Ukyou and Konatsu were setting up a mini okonomiyaki
grill. "We don't
need to stay at Ucchan's, we should be with our
friends," she had
explained.
Shampoo showed Ryouga to his bunk. "Some need help
him," she had said
before she escorted him from the party earlier that
night. "He nice
gentleman like Airen."
##Errrrr????
Even for Shampoo that's fractured language.
And . . .Ryouga? "Nice gentleman."???
Since when is "nice gentleman" a criteria for an
Amazon love affair?
{Well,} Ranma thought at the memory. {If she has to
call me 'Airen'
still, it's nice that she at least acknowledges the
existance of other
guys.}
Satisfied that all was well, he found his way the bed
that had been set
aside for him and Akane. "I'm going on to bed," he
told her as he
flopped onto the matress. "I'm worn out!"
"I know what you mean," Akane replied with a yawn as
she joined him on
the bed. "Let's just sleep in the new year and hope
it won't be our
last."
Ranma was almost asleep when Akane put her arms around
his neck. He
slowly turned toward her and softly whispered in her
ear, "I love you,
Saotome Akane."
Akane fell asleep with a brillant smile upon her face.
***
January first at six AM, Ranma awoke to find Akane in
a panic.
"I knew it!!!" she shouted. "The entire world has
been wiped out!!!
We are the remains of humanity!!!"
{That's a scary thought,} Ranma thought with a
chuckle. He quickly
sobered though as he realised what Akane was saying.
"How can you be
so sure?"
"The radio," she explained. "There's nothing on the
radio. If there
was anything left of the radio station, there would be
a message every
hour to inform listeners if it was safe outside or
not."
"Well..." Ranma started, but was cut off as a knock
came on the hatch
leading to the surface.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" everyone shouted in
surprise at the
unexpected sound.
"RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIES!!!" screeched Akane as she passed
out from one
shock too many.
##LOL.
LOL, LOL.
VERY GOOD. Needs some work on the build up to this
point. But, LOL. ^_^
"Some welcome," Hiroshi muttered as he stepped off the
ladder, shortly
followed by Daisuke, Yuka, and Sayuri. "We come over
here to check on
how you all were doing after that party last night.
You all seemed
rather weirded out when you left."
"Yeah," added Daisuke. "We started to worry when we
couldn't find
anyone in the house, but the Sayuri tripped over one
of the hinges up
there."
Sayuri nodded. "Then it took the guys nearly an hour
to jimmy the lock
on the outer door."
"While they did that, I went to the hardware store and
bought some bolt
cutters," Yuka finished. "That's how we got through
the scond door so
fast."
"Wait a minute," Akane asked as she regained
consciousness. "You mean
everything is okay?"
"Well," Sayuri said. "Hiroshi drank the last of our
coffee, but
otherwise everthing is fine."
"But what about the radio?" Akane insisted.
Yuka looked at Akane as though she were a total fool.
"Baka! What
kind of signal do you expect to receive through five
feet of dirt and one
foot of solid steel. That's like expecting to find a
skylight when
you're buried by an avalanche."
##:( That's not as funny as the Zombies. Find
something funnier.
I LOVE the Zombies.
Somewhere in the back of the room two shouts of fear
could be heard as
a shared experience was relived.
"Well then," said Ranma as he started toward the new
arrivals. "I told
you all of this was rediculous. Let's get out of this
hole before we
get claustrophobic."
Ranma and company filed out of the shelter one at a
time leaving only
the two in body casts behind. After a few minutes,
Ranma returned.
"Sorry Tendou-san, Oyaji," he started. "But when
Akane had the beds
put down here before she put the ceiling on, she just
knew we'd be here for
a while so she never planned on how to get them out.
I'm really sorry
to tell you this, but you're stuck down here until the
doctor says you
can climb out on your own." With that said, Ranma
turned and left.
##???Then how did they get them DOWN there?
Again, not nearly as funny as the Zombies. If you
can't top that I suggest
you end the fic as quickly as possible after that
line.
{did I tell you I LOVED that line? ^_^ }
________________________________________
<SNIP>
Summary:
Overall rather bland. BUT there are some VERY funny
lines. (Love the Zombie)
Ranma is MUCH too rational and calm. I realize he's
playing straight man but IMO
Nabiki fits this role much better. I'd re-do the
entire thing to build up to
the Radioactive Zombies, then perhaps have the gas man
knock on the door to
announce they're cutting off the gas for non-payment.
As for the radio . . .I'd check on-line
to see how radio is handled in Japan. In UK, at one
time, you leased your TV (and radio I think) and the
Govt. would cut you off if you didn't pay the bill.
perhaps something like that could be done in this
case. Or perhaps in all the excitement Akane didn't
buy batteries for the Radio or forgot to put them in
the radio. The being buried isn't bad, but it wasn't
as funny as it could have been. keep is shorter. and
i'd drop the bit with Soun & Genma stuck in the
shelter. IMO it slows the pace and dilutes the humor
of the Zombie line.
has possibilities. IMO best bet is to build up to the
Zombies and end as quickly as possible there after.
Also, IMO, Nabiki fit's Ranma's role better than Ranma
does.
Good Luck.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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