I'm looking for C&C on this idea because I really like it and
want to make it
as good as possible. Please be blunt.
Always willing to oblige.
Standard disclaimer crap:
<snip remainder>
You know, homage to Shogakuken is not the reason most of us write
these disclaimers. Respect for Takahashi is. If you don't want
to show that, why insert a disclaimer at all?
Y'see, I didn't expect any sexual content to find its way
into this story, but it did.
You have GOT to be kidding. Without the sexual content, is there
even any story here?
I don't know if it'd qualify as lemon
It does. I can't imagine how you could think otherwise.
and undressed. The reflection in the mirror caught her eye.
What consequence came from noticing her reflection? If none,
don't mention it.
"Good morning, Akane. I knew you'd fall for this."
Eyes opened quite wide she shouted "Ranma? You *planned*
this?!? HENTAI!!!" Lunge.
How did Ranma know that Akane would be the next person into the
bath? Was it a bad plan, and he just got lucky?
"Now, Akane, you know very well I enjoy seeing you naked.
You're beautiful, trim, fit, and I love you."
Okay... NOW we're off in some wild blue never-never land, in
terms of basic characterization. Anyone reading this story,
about Ranma, has some previous familiarity with the character,
consistently portrayed as unable to get words like these out
even given great incentive to do so. Your reader immediately
starts to wonder if Ranma is now in his fifties or
something? Or is this some wildly-changed alterverse?
"Ranma, do you really think I'm beautiful, or did you
just say that to get me in the sack?"
This is definitely a _suspicion_ that Akane might have
(although it's not phrased right; it should be "do you
really love me") but it doesn't strike me that she'd give
voice to it like this, or in these words. I can see her
either saying nothing, and having the suspicion eat away
at the relationship, or you could have her fish for
additional compliments.
Ranma chuckled. "Akane, you are beautiful. I know I
used to always call you uncute and
unsexy and a tomboy, but I was just trying to hurt you
because you hurt me."
"All right, who are you and what did you do with the real
Ranma?"
Akane rememberd that quite well. Ashen faced and ashamed
she looked to Ranma and softly asked "you...heard that?"
I can just see Ranma remembering that event, but not Akane. Both
live pretty much in the present. It probably _did_ hurt Ranma,
which is why I can accept that Ranma remembers the occasion,
but it didn't hurt Akane; she just ranted to Nabiki about boys
and school must like she probably did every night prior to
Ranma's arrival. Why in the world would Akane remember that
particular occasion?
hurt you?" Now, the tears were coming full force.
This is a bit more authentic for Akane, IMO.
...was looking to Ranma with a suspicious air about
her. "Just HOW many children are you going to want, Ranma?"
But this isn't. We've never been given any reason to believe
that Akane would care, either by you or Takahashi.
Akane was a bit shocked at Ranma's forewardness. <Is
this the man that took 2 1/2 years to tell me he loved me?>
Your readers are also shocked, more than a bit.
<DAMN!!! Ranma's good for a beginner! I'll have
to...ooohhhh...oh...d...damn...>
How does Akane know this?
Nabiki looked on with disgust, contempt and jealousy on her
face, and her hand down her pants.
A Nabiki in lust with Ranma has been done before, fairly often
(David Eddy's "Neko-Phobia"; Lawson's "Power"; miscellaneous lemons).
In the more serious treatments, she is completely hetero and
very much aware that Ranma and Akane are in love with each other.
Your decision to have Nabiki determined to break Ranma and Akane
up has potential, and is somewhat believable; but your having
Ranma's proposal be a shock to Nabiki is difficult to swallow.
to watch Ranma then. I wouldn't be able to masturbate while
watching Akane or Kasumi, either.>
Bisexual incestuous Nabiki is usually reserved for silly lemons.
Are you sure you've made up your mind what you want this
story to be?
<mmm...I need to get Ranma to marry me. Either that, or
force daddy that I'd be a better
choice. Well, I suppose I...oooh...could use some of
Cologne's spices, but that wouldn't be real
love, then.>
This whole sequence is problematic, for Nabiki, for a number
of reasons: 1) Why does Nabiki, the emblematic modern,
liberated woman, "need to get Ranma to marry" her? She walks
sex, not babies. 2) Unless this is very early in the series,
why does she think she can force Soun to switch the engagement?
And why does she think she needs to? In the "Nabiki is
Ranma's Fiancee" story, Akane simply gave Ranma to Nabiki,
without asking Soun. 3) Why does Nabiki care about real love?
Again, she wants sex.
<That's why I think I should marry Ranma. We're alot
more alike than he
and Akane are.
Oh? Ranma stands by making sarcastic comments? Ranma thinks
ahead and makes subtle plans? Ranma thinks only of his own
self-satisfaction, ignoring the welfare of others?
Nabiki _might_ think that she and Ranma's differences are
complementary; that they'd make a better team than Ranma and
Akane. She would _not_ think that Ranma and she are alike.
Not to mention Akane wouldn't want to have sex with Ranma's
girl half, while I dream about it every other night.
Why is Nabiki "you don't like boys, remember?" Tendo thinking
this of Akane?
Heh. I wonder what Kasumi would say if she knew I was a
bisexual?>
In silly lemons, this is about the point where you're supposed
to reveal that Kasumi too is bisexual. I was half-expecting
you to switch to Kasumi's bedroom, to show her watching Nabiki
on her own closed-circuit television.
"mmmmmm...Ranma? Does that mean you just said you loved
me to get me in
the sack?"
"Yup."
Akane giggles and thwomps Ranma with a pillow.
Okay, so here we have an Akane who has grown up a bit, who has
a sense of humor, and is quite likeable...
<snip some silliness>
arm again. "Akane, I'm calling off the engagement."
Shame that Akane's mirror couldn't handle having a teenaged
martial artist hurled through it. That was a nice mirror, too.
"What?!? Why? Was all that REALLY to just get me in the
sack?!?" She was torn between being heartbroken and violated
or being furious. The tears won, and she collapsed into sobs.
"Just...get out of here, Ranma. I NEVER want to see you AGAIN!!!"
Well, THAT didn't last long. Akane has regressed in age and lost
her sense of humor in about 30 seconds...
Ranma brushed the broken glass off of himself as he stood
up. "God damnit, Akane! What is wrong with you?!? You ALWAYS
jump to conclusions before you know all the facts!"
"SHUT UP!!! YOU BASTARD!!! YOU USE ME FOR SEX AND THEN
HAVE THE GALL TO INSULT ME?!? GET THE F..." Akane was
interrupted as Ranma seized her by the shoulders and looked
into her eyes with barely controlled anger.
"AKANE, SHUT UP!!!!!!!"
A laudable attempt at a real, violent argument, but it doesn't
quite work for me. Ranma would have to be at the end of his
rope to act like this, and you haven't built up to it. Why
doesn't he just leave and sulk on a roof somewhere?
juices off of it as she ponders. <Major setback. SETBACK,
not defeat, though. Nabiki Tendo can pull anything off.
This is pretty bad, though. I'm going to have to call in
ALOT of favors to seduce Ranma before he marries Akane.>
??? "call in a LOT of favors" to seduce Ranma? I don't
follow; favors with who? Why does she think she needs to
do anything other than approach Ranma in a slinky nightie?
I can't help you make this story as good as possible unless
I understand what you want the story to be. In the story
as written, it's not at all clear that you yourself know.
Do you want this to be a variation on "Power", following
Nabiki's maneuvers as she attempts to break up R & A? In
other words, a character study? If so, you don't need the
lemon; lime suffices.
If you are trying to write a silly lemon, you don't need some
of the other stuff in here: YOU may be interested in it,
but most of your potential readers just want to see all of
your characters jump into the sack with each other, without
all this bothersome character development.
If you are trying to write the rare serious lemon, you are
off on the wrong foot. Concentrate on erotic romanticism
between Ranma and Akane, and just give us enough of the
Nabiki scenes so we can deduce her mindset. You aren't
conveying Akane's feelings effectively; she's just quoting
stats. A story exploring the serious tension between R & A
exploring a romantic, but stormy, relationship, complicated
by an interfering, bi Nabiki has some potential as a lemon,
but for it to work, you'll have to restrain the lemon as a
percent of your story. Show us Nabiki seducing Ranma; show
us the teary confession and reconciliation between Ranma and
Akane; show us the confrontation between Akane and Nabiki.