I'm looking for C&C on this idea because I really like it and want to make
it
as good as possible.
Good for you!
Please be blunt.
As you wish, always eager to obey... ^_^
Standard disclaimer crap: I own none of the characters, names, or anything
else remotely
resembling something owned by Shogokukan Inc. or any other bigwig company
controlling powerful
and intimidating lawyers with a taste for human blood.
Someone told you this already, but... Respect for Takahashi 'd be nice. ne?
Well, here goes. I'm just jotting down another idea that's been bouncing
around in my head. As
always, C&C is greatly appreciated. Be blunt. I know it's not the best in
the world, so don't
be afraid to tell me that.
I'm not afraid, really... ^_^
Anyways, I'd better start now.
Though it's not needed for a teaser, a title 'd help.
Um, another warning, I guess. (I wrote this one after writing some of the
story)
Y'see, I didn't expect any sexual content to find its way into this story,
but it did. I don't
know if it'd qualify as lemon
You are right. This shouldn't be considered [lemon]. No, not at all. Maybe
[incredibly-trully-completelly-ultra-super-lemon], but that's all. ^_^
Now seriously, when you start describing sexual scenes in detail, it
becomes,
without any kind of doubt, a LEMON.
(at least, not yet...I hope I don't get carried
away),
Again, only a bit.
but I'm
warning you nonetheless. If y'all be squeamish, hyper-sexually sensitive,
or
Catholic, you might
not wanna read this.
I'm only 16 and a half, maybe I should drop this... naaaah! ^_^
Although I really do like the story, so I suggest just
skipping parts you
find inappropriate. Or not. Y'know, whatever. I can't force you to do
anything.
*****
Akane was smiling with nostalgia for last night. She sighed, and decided
to
See here? You have formatting problems. Start for fixing those.
take a bath; she
smelled a little funny.
Walking to the bathroom and not seeing the 'occupied' sign, she slipped
into
the changing room
and undressed. The reflection in the mirror caught her eye.
Why? She realised how incredibly beautiful she actually was, perhaps (I love
Akane)? Explain this.
Smiling, she finished disrobing and opened the door into the bathroom.
IMHO, "...and 'stepped' into the bathroom" 'd be better.
"Good morning, Akane. I knew you'd fall for this."
@_@ ?????? I say: OOC!!!
Eyes opened
opening
quite wide she shouted "Ranma? You *planned* this?!?
HENTAI!!!" Lunge.
Just 'lunge'? Conjugate please.
Ranma easily caught Akane's flailing arms and pulled her into the bath.
"Now, Akane, you know very well I enjoy seeing you naked. You're
beautiful, trim, fit,
and I love you."
EXTREMELY OOC. Who is this, James Bond? Make him a nervous wreck and you'l
get Ranma.
Akane heard those words and remembered the night before.
What the heck happened the night before? May I suggest a always-useful
flashback?
Melting into
Ranma's powerful
arms she purred "I love you too, Ranma. I'm sorry. I just got carried
away
and forgot about our
recent developments."
Two things: IMO Akane is slightly OOC. Besides, you make her sound like some
kind of scientist or phsicologyst (I can't decide yet). Not even Ritsuko
talks like that. I suggest leaving just a simple 'I just got carried away'.
"Akane, that's alright. I more often than not deserved it in the past,
and old habits
are hard to break."
Again, that's not Ranma. He's Remington Steel!
"Ranma, do you really think I'm beautiful, or did you just say that to
get me in the
sack?"
Ranma: Of course I only said to get you in the sack. What are compliments
for, anyway?
Ranma chuckled. "Akane, you are beautiful. I know I used to always
call
you uncute and
unsexy and a tomboy,
Ranma: ...and sexless, and violent, and maniac, and...
but I was just trying to hurt you because you hurt
me."
Ranma: ...every time you hit me with that F#$&*ING MALLET!!!!!
Akane jerked back and stared at Ranma with fire in her eyes. "I hurt
YOU? What are you
talking about? You're the one who always started the fights! Of all the
conceited, arrogant..."
Ranma's kiss forestalled any further comment. Ending it, he carressed
Akane's cheek
saying "Akane, please listen. We both promised to listen before
overreacting, remember?" After
she had nodded the affirmative, he continued. "Now Akane, remember the
first
day of school after
I got here?" Again, he waited for her to nod. "Remember how you helped me
out with Kuno after
we landed in the pool? Well, when you did that, I realized that I loved
you.
I'm more in the 'love at first sight' thing, but this can work.
Kinda strange,
actually, but after knowing you for less than a week, I had fallen in love
with you. Anyways,
that night, I decided to thank you for helping me out. I went to your
room,
and was about to
knock on the door when I overheard you talking - well, yelling, rather - to
Nabiki."
Akane rememberd that quite well.
I think someone already said this, but Akane hasn't any reason to remember
this. It's not like it was a special moment for her.
Ashen faced and ashamed she looked to
Ranma and softly
asked "you...heard that?"
Ranma nodded.
Akane was now starting to cry. "You mean...the whole reason you hurt
me
was because I
hurt you?" Now, the tears were coming full force. "And I had the sheer
audacity to hit YOU for
it? I'm such a BAKA!" she cried before collapsing into sobs.
Soun's daughter, what do you expect?
"Ssssssshhhhh. Akane, it's alright. What's done is done. Just know
that I do love you,
and nothing will ever change that."
"Do you really mean it, Ranma?" Akane inquired with tears and shame in
her eyes.
"Yes. Akane Tendo, I love you. I will marry you, and we will live a
happy life and have
many happy children."
Akane had stopped crying by now, and was looking to Ranma with a
suspicious air about
her. "Just HOW many children are you going to want, Ranma?"
Smiling, he kissed her forehead. "As many as you want, Akane.
Although,
I do think that
if we're going to have kids, we should get some practice so we can get it
right the first time
around. As man and wife, that is."
Akane was a bit shocked at Ranma's forewardness. <Is this the man that
took 2 1/2 years
to tell me he loved me?>
Yes, is he Ranma? IS HE?!?!?
"You don't want to? Fine. Just sit back and relax. I'll do all the
work." Akane was
pushed back to the edge of the tub, Ranma radiating lust and love the
entire
way.
Any further thought on that topic was forestalled by the intense waves of
pleasure wracking
Akane's body.
<DAMN!!! Ranma's good for a beginner! I'll have
to...ooohhhh...oh...d...damn...>
*****
Nabiki looked on with disgust, contempt and jealousy on her face, and her
hand down her pants.
<Geez....if Akane would just...get...out of the...oooh...way, I
could...could...oh...
...my...go...go...mmmmm....GOD!!!>
She spasmed violently as she came. Panting, she removed her bra with the
one
free hand. This
would normally be difficult, but she wasn't wearing a shirt and had also
had
alot of practice at
it. Removing her other hand from her pants, she reached up and started
rubbing her juices all
over her breasts, moaning and gasping as her fingers brushed across her
nipples.
<I'm glad no one else knows about the camera I have in the bathroom. I
wouldn't be able
to watch Ranma then. I wouldn't be able to masturbate while watching Akane
or Kasumi, either.>
...or Genma <AARGH>, or Happosai <YUCK>...
She arched her back, bringing her breasts high into the air above her bed.
<mmm...I need to get Ranma to
be my slave?
marry me.
@_@ Nabiki wants to get married? And take care of the Dojo for the rest of
her life? Only because she desires Ranma? Ummm... I recognise that this idea
's been developed by several authors before, but with a LOT of work.
Either that, or force daddy
that
I'd be a better
choice. Well, I suppose I...oooh...could use some of Cologne's spices, but
that wouldn't be real
love, then.>
Slipping her pants and her wet panties off, she sighed (for two reasons)
Which are...? - Erase ()
Nabiki brought her right hand down to her inner thigh and started teasing
them, building up the
sexual tension.
<Ranma, I love you, but Akane needs to go. I love her too, but you
can't. Actually...>
Gasping, she brings her hand up to the junction of her legs.
Changed tense ~_~
<...nah. Akane wouldn't go for that. Ranma'd love it, but then so
would
any other male.
They dream of having two girls at the same time.>
I don't think so. I mean, this is the same Ranma that has three fiancees.
How hard would it be for him to take two wifes? Nodoka'd love it. ^_^
Hastening her pace, she brought her other hand up to her breasts and
started
massaging them
again.
<That's why I think I should marry Ranma. We're alot more alike than
he
and Akane are.
@_@!!! You are right. For example, Ranma lives for martial arts and
Nabiki... No, wait, Nabiki enjoys making money and Ranma... Something is not
working here.
Not to mention Akane wouldn't want to have sex with Ranma's girl half,
while
I dream about it
every other night. Heh. I wonder what Kasumi would say if she knew I was
a
bisexual?>
Kasumi: Oh my!
Before she climaxes, she stops, spreading eagle on her bed.
Again, look at the tense ~_~.
<Aaah, who cares? I mean, I just wouldn't be me if I just gave up!
I'm
gonna give Akane
a run for her money.>
Smiling, she gets up and goes over to her closet. She opens the door,
moves
some shirts hanging
in there out of her way, and removes a false wall panel to reveal a safe.
She spins the dial,
putting in the combination so she may gain access to the things that are
most
precious to her.
Money and... money. ^_^
<Heh. Ranma, if I can't have you in me for real right now...>
The safe opens, and she pulls out 2 things: a little vial of clear liquid
with an eyedropper
taped to it, and a vibrator with the word 'Ranma' on it in big, red
hirigana
characters.
0_o
<...then I'll have to improvise.>
She goes back to the bed, uses the eyedropper to put some of the clear
liquid
under her eyelids,
and turns on the vibrator.
<Here's to seduction...>
As the LSD kicks in, she inserts 'Ranma' into herself, and proceeds to have
a
VERY good trip.
*****
"mmmmmm...Ranma? Does that mean you just said you loved me to get me
in
the sack?"
"Yup."
Akane giggles and thwomps Ranma with a pillow.
Ranma moves the pillow off of his face, sits up, and looks around
Akane's
room in
confusion. "Akane, weren't we in the bathroom?"
Akane sits up and looks around, too. "Yeah, we were."
"So why are we in your room now?"
"Well, I think it had something to do with the fact that you tounged me
for a good 5
hours,
@_@!!! That's a little too much, don't you think? Please tell me it's too
much, PLEASE!!
with me orgasming every 15 minutes. With all that, I got a bit
exhausted and passed out."
You lost me. Akane passed out, but RANMA doesn't know how they got to the
room?
Ranma smiles, then looks ashamed. "I'm sorry for making you pass out.
If I'd known that
I was going to exhaust you like that, I wouldn't have gone on for as long
as
I did."
Yeah, yeah... bragger!
Thwomp take two. "Ranma, that pillow was for being a baka. You know
very well that I
was writhing in passion the entire time. Also, I didn't pass out just
because I was exhausted.
The pleasure overwhelmed me and my body shut down. There were just too
many
pleasure signals for
my brain to handle."
Again, why don't they talk like normal people?
Ranma tossed the pillow aside and looked to Akane, who had snuggled up
under his right
arm again. "Akane, I'm calling off the engagement."
Shame that Akane's mirror couldn't handle having a teenaged martial artist
hurled through it.
That was a nice mirror, too.
"What?!? Why? Was all that REALLY to just get me in the sack?!?" She
was torn between
being heartbroken and violated or being furious. The tears won, and she
collapsed into sobs.
"Just...get out of here, Ranma. I NEVER want to see you AGAIN!!!"
Goodbye, beautiful relationship!
Ranma brushed the broken glass off of himself as he stood up. "God
damnit, Akane! What
is wrong with you?!? You ALWAYS jump to conclusions before you know all
the
facts!"
"SHUT UP!!! YOU BASTARD!!! YOU USE ME FOR SEX AND THEN HAVE THE GALL
TO
INSULT ME?!?
GET THE F..." Akane was interrupted as Ranma seized her by the shoulders
and
looked into her eyes
with barely controlled anger.
"AKANE, SHUT UP!!!!!!!"
Akane had never seen Ranma this angry, and she was fairly frightened for
her
life.
"Akane, I'm calling off the engagement. That DOESN'T mean, however,
that
I don't want
to marry you!"
"Huh?"
"Akane, throughout our entire relationship, we've resented each other
and
become jealous
because this engagement was forced upon us, and neither of us really wanted
it. We loved each
other, but weren't sure if that feeling was mutual. So when things-like
Shampoo, Kuno, Kodachi,
and Ukyo
and Tomma, and Herb, and Shinnosuke, and...
-went wrong, we would always try to hurt the other because we
didn't
want to let them
know our true feelings. Well, this is how I'm going to remedy the problem:
I've already broken
the engagement, but Now I want to reinstate it."
Now? 'now'
Ranma lets go of Akane and goes over to his discarded pants. He pulls
out a little ring
box and comes back to Akane, kneeling in front of her.
"Akane Tendo, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to know that
you
want to marry
me. If you say yes to the question I'm about to ask, then we'll both know
that we could have
gotten out of the engagement, but didn't. We'll know that WE chose each
other, not our fathers."
Ranma opens the box to reveal a simple ring with a single diamond in the
center of the wedding
band.
"Akane Tendo, will you marry me?"
*****
Nabiki snapped out of her trip when she heard those words.
"What the f...?" she cried as she raced over to her monitors, 'Ranma'
still in her.
Watching Akane burst into tears and throw herself into Ranma's arms didn't
help the sinking
feeling she had in her stomach, either.
"Ahh SHIT!!! This is SO not good! I'm going to have to work quickly!"
She pulls
'Ranma' out of her, shuts 'him' off, and sits in her office chair
cross-legged. She licks her
juices off of it as she ponders. <Major setback. SETBACK, not defeat,
though. Nabiki Tendo can
pull anything off. This is pretty bad, though. I'm going to have to call
in
ALOT of favors to
seduce Ranma before he marries Akane.>
Favors? Meet him half-naked and he's yours! He's a man! Ah, wait, you're
right, he's Ranma... -_-
She gets up and puts her *things* away and rehides them.
"Oh, well. As they say: 'There's no rest for the wicked'..."
*****
Wait a second, I'm trying to find a polite way to say this. Let's see...
ummmm... I know! First, decide if you're gonna write a silly lemon or a more
serious one. You see, this's about mid-way between them. Secondly, try
writing IC. I hate when they are too OOC. And finally, IMO too much sex, too
little development. Bye and good luck,
Latin_D
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
"La poes�a habla en nosotros
la misma lengua con que hablaron antes,
y mucho antes de nacer nosotros,
las gentes en que hallara ra�z nuestra existencia."
La poes�a habla, Luis Cernuda
Translate and be enlightened.