You wrote:
talking to his deceased wife.
Everything was going according to the timetable set by the Dead
Sea Scrolls. Shinji, his son, would soon be called to join his mad
quest.
Would Gendou really call it a 'mad quest'?"
Shinji. What would Gendo tell him when he comes?
came
How would he
explain to Shinji that he was fighting to bring his mother back; that
he was giving up his life to bring things back to the way they were?
The way things were. Gendo would give anything, do anything to
have it all back. Anything to bring Yui back.
However, as people were wont to do, Gendou forgot about the bad things that
had come with his wife, like:
Yui: Gendou! You lazy bum. Why is it your department is always lagging
behind mine? If you got off your lazy ass we might even get this project
done!
Yui: No. I have a headache and don't feel like it tonight.. Yes. I know
it's been a month. What can I say, it's a migraine.
Yui: My mother is coming over to stay with us for a few months. Damnit!
Don't roll your eyes. I'll take a goddamn wooden mallet to you if you don't
treat her with the utmost reespect.
Yui: You sonuvabitch! You left the seat up AGAIN! I hate you!
"Now I hardly ever cry anymore, unless I purposely dig up the
most painful memories..." She lowered her eyes. "Is that a good thing?
I try to hold on to your memory, but those who are... alive... are
slowly entering my heart."
Hmm. Was this from a scene in the manga? It seems familiar.
NATSUME RYUNOSUKE - YELLOW
He heard Ryunosuke sniffle and
sniffle, and
"You can't change things, Ryu-san," Kyusaku said,
heh.
MASAKI NOBUYUKI - CYAN
Nobuyuki stood at the grave, underneath a tree near the edge of
a cliff.
Hmm. It hadn't occurred to me before now, but all of these changes hinge on
the death of someone, and them not dying.
He smiled, weakly. "Tenchi's doing fine, now. You should see
him, dear... you'd be so proud... He even lectures ME sometimes...
Well, he does need it
=====
PROLOGUE : BLACK
"Well, I'm off, honey," Yui said, smiling at Gendo, as
drop the comma
Gendo stood over her, a soft smile on his own face. He gazed
proudly at his wife and son, especially his son, who thankfully seemed
to take more from
'after' would be better than 'from'
"Hungry," was the reply over the communicator. Yui flashed
another of her sweet smiles at the camera. "You owe me dinner after
this, Rokubungi!"
Hmm. Interesting touch.
"Ejecting! Switching off primary wave synchronization!"
Fuyutsuki-sensei stared at the graph and at Yui in disbelief. "My God,
at a higher synchronization level who knows what that might have done
to her!"
Doomed the world?
PROLOGUE : MAGENTA
Kyoko walked home to the Otonashi Residence, shopping bags in
tow. How long ago was it? Six months, she thought, six months since
she started living there with Soichiro and his family. They weren't
anything like those stories about the horrible in-laws one would get,
marrying into a well-to-do family. If anything, they were nicer to her
than her parents were these days.
Heh. Sad but true
"Yes, it was a close call," Mr. Otonashi agreed. "But while he
was delirious he kept calling out your name. I guess you pulled him
through, Kyoko."
Well, something did. ^_^
Ryunosuke was slumped over the cat, chest and back bloody. He
had shielded the cat with his own body? But why? It was just a cat!
"To... To-chan..." Ryunosuke spoke, softly, "I did it... I saved
her..."
A change that wasn't for the better. A sort of like the variety of
variances with each change.
Nice work overall. I remember reading this the first time through, but
since it was a while ago I don't remember any changes you made in the
revision. it flows well. Nice work
D.B. Sommer