Jed M Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> wrote:
A chilling wind blows.across Jusenkyo.
I think that would be better in the next paragraph.
Hm. Not sure. I put it by itself because the wind is the subject of the
next couple of paragraphs.
<SNIP>
I know you and I were never the closest of friends. I'd always meant to sit
down with you someday and just talk -- about everything that I've been going
through all these years, especially in the
early days when we met each other for the second time. About what you meant
to me, and what I wanted you to mean to me. I guess someday never comes. Or
if it does, it comes too late.
So, I take it this is Ryoga talking here?
Good guess, but no. :)
because you decided that you loved Akane better than her? Yes, I know that
that was a long time ago, and like me, she'd already loved and married
someone else. But you're the kind of guy a girl never
really gets over.
But after all this time?
To some extent, yeah.
<SNIP>
My heart as it pounded in my chest like a gorilla trying to escape its
cage. I exhaled, then breathed in deeply, trying to calm myself down,
knowing that if that one old, fragile organ went, so did I.
Take out "as it" in the first sentence.
Oops. :)
All in all, an excellent read. I thoroughly enjoyed the ending,
symbolizing Akane and Ranma being together at Jusenkyo by uniting the pools.
Nice touch.
Keep writing!
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed the story, and I appreciate the comments.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html