Not much to comment on grammar and errors. Your fic's written lot
better than most Ranma fics I've read on FFML. That alone is a great
accomplishment, IMO.
However, it, unfortunately, fell into one of the classic traps for new
fics. No matter how well-written your story is, not everyone wants
to reread same stuff they've read before. I've read the opening scene
of Ranma and Genma fighting, Ranma gets splashed, and Kasumi ends
the fight. Another pathetic attempt by both fathers to bring R&A together
fails. Ryouga appears and blames Ranma for his problems (again,
although the reference to Charlotte's Web was amusing), and they
fight again. Needless to contiune, what I'm trying to say is that I
think you could've done better in terms of story. So far there's
nothing to indicate what might be the main storyplot, nowhere
there is any indication of the conflict. It's pretty much status quo.
Also, it appears that most of the dialogue is stilted. Ranma's never
the one to use formal dialogue. His language is pretty crude, and
doesn't seem to improve much as the series progresses.
Now for some direct comments:
In a message dated 9/21/99 11:50:11 PM, allenmk@gte.net writes:
"Ranma, If you will not be using those articles again, might I have
them?" Kasumi asked again.
"What???" Everyone looked at the eldest Tendo daughter in
disbelief.
I'm not sure, but I think I may've read the original version. The only
one thing that stood out from the rest of it was this phrase. ^_^;;
I don't even LIKE you, you see!
Kuno, just leave me be!
You cannot protect me.
You cannot protect a boat,
or even protect a Goat!
So, ...
That's something you don't see everyday; Ranma returning Kuno's
'challenge' on his terms with poetry. ^_^
"Man, I am glad that Kodachi wasn't there. Oh, there's no place
like home, there's no place like home." Ranma again began repeating to
herself as she bounded across the rooftops back to the Tendo dojo.
Should be 'I'm'
The start of the second sentence sounded funny to me. Maybe he 'chanted
to himself as a mantra'?
"Hello, Ranma, darling." A sultry voice melted across his back
sending shivers along Ranma's body. "Let me wash your back"
Forgot a peroid at the end.
"I am simply here to fulfill the duties any wife should perform,
such as wash her husband's strong back." Kodachi's eyes glazed as she
began the litanies of duties, "Or, massage his wide shoulders, or feel
his muscles move under her touch, or."
The last peroid should be replaced by ellipsis (...).
"Airen Shampoo's husband. Go get own man." Shampoo
raised her bon-bori's in challenge.
I've never heard Shampoo phrase Ranma as 'husband', always referring
to him as 'Arien.' Bon-bori's misspelled though, but I can't recall the
proper spelling at this moment.
"Why, Ranma darling is my man, you silly girl." Kodachi put her
hand over her mouth laughing at the sheer naivete of such a suggestion.
Where's her trademark maniac laughter? ^_-
Akane was left with taking care of her fiance. She half-drug,
half-carried him to the office of Dr. Ono. Once the two returned back
to their home, the day settled into relative peace.
While he was naked?! Akane must be a greater pervert than her finacee. ;)
Actually, I'm surprised that Kodachi and Shampoo would beat up Ranma
while he was in the nude (Akane, though, may not be as restrained).
After dinner, Ranma jumped onto the roof of the dojo to do some
serious thinking.
Woah, isn't that right out of the blue here? I mean, after countless same
events occuring daily (which I SERIOUSLY doubt that), he just plops down
and do some serious thinking stuff one day? That's not him. More likely
he'd gradually think about trivial matters (like why does he keep on eating
Akane's cooking) and over few days he advances to more complex thoughts.
But that's my opinion anyway.
'OK, Ryouga, friend or foe?'
Both. ^_-
But I think you would be better off using < > or some other characters to
indicate thoughts. A single quote are diffuclt to use as thoughts, since
they are often confused or misunderstood.
'I think his love for Akane, (how that tomboy can be so dense as to
not see it), and mine for her is the only thing keeping us from being
good friends.'
There's another statement out of the blue, Ranma admitting his feelings
for Akane, just like that? Not like Ranma either.
'If I choose Akane, I would get a girl that I ... I ... L-word.
Ha, I said it! I would get someone who really L-words me back. (Hey
it's getting easier to say! This ain't so bad!)
So he's pretty much admitted that he loves Akane. When did he decide on
this fact?
'If I choose Ukyou, I would get a girl that I L-word, too. (Ha ha,
this is easy to say.. L-word, L-word, Lo...)
Same here. Though he seems to be thinking more like a kid here. ("I
can say the L-word! I can say the L-word!" ;p) Shows his immaturity,
so how can he be mature at the same time? ;)
Snip the rest of Ranma's too-advanced ratalization.
That's major stuff Ranma's thinking about, dealing with his finacees
and whether he 'l-word's them, or whether he should choose them or
not, along with possible implications. He even considers their feelings.
This is defieintely not the canon Ranma we know. It's also OOC of him.
He's never shown to be considerate of others.
Thanks for reading this far. This chapter has been pretty heavily
revised from its original form.
Overall, like I said at the start, the story's well-written, compared
to most of fanfics on FFML. And it's been formatted, to boot! A great
treat for readers, since many don't try and use few minutes of their
time to ensure that their fics are properly formatted.
However, while it's written well, the concept is poorly executed. What
you've got here is same as what's been written countless times in the
past, though I'll admit not many were as good as yours. There's nothing
new here, and the idea of Ranma making decision one day after many's
been done to death.
I hope you introduce the main conflict or topic of this story soon, or
at least find a better way of using the overused fanfic theme. Other
suggestion is to fix the dialogue so they're less stilted. Keep up good
work!
Mike
Until I find something new to write, Ja ne-
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics, projects at http://www.gehirn.com/ | gehirn = brain in German
Greatest irony I've ever read:
'Buffalo wings for sale!' eatery adversitement in an university that
sports buffalos as its mascot.
"In the name of the Moon, I will let my friend Sailor Moon punish you!"
-Sailor Mercury, Alternate Visions, part 4