"Scott Schimmel" <schimmel@seas.upenn.edu> wrote:

	It's alive...

Yee ha! Cue maniacally evil laughter....

Sayuri sidled up next to Yuka, grinning impishly.  "Yeah, we'd never
dream of getting between you and your fiancee," she teased, placing
particular emphasis on the last word. 

"Wha--?  Hey, it's not like--"

"Bye, Akane."  She laughed.  "Let us know what happens, okay?"  Sayuri
waved airily and began to walk past. 

This might set him to wondering just what Akane's been telling these
girls about him.

"Only a minute, and anyway, it's not my fault, I had to dodge
Hinako-sensei.  So, we going to go see Cologne?"  She put heavy
emphasis on the last two words.

Why this emphasis? I don't get it.

"I'm not a--"  Ranma frowned; he was sure there was a reason that
didn't apply to Akane.  But that wasn't it.  "I--"  His second attempt
didn't get any further.  Well, he'd think of it later.  There was
something else to address, right now.  "Anyway, that's not true!  I
do stuff, I don't just stand around and complain..."

"Oh, yes, I almost forgot," Akane spat.  "You also use it to get free
food.  Not to mention hiding from your mother--"

Ranma glared at her, eyes blazing with such intensity that she
flinched, wondering whether she had perhaps gone a little bit too
far.  For a moment, she was tempted to stammer an apology, but the
combination of fear and sheer stubborn pride paralyzed her.  Then the
moment passed, as he whirled around and strode angrily out the door.
Akane momentarily wondered that it didn't shatter to splinters at his
touch.  His voice, harsh but strangely quiet, drifted back to her.
"Fine.  Let's go see the ghoul."

Very nice scene here. Good prose work, and captured the characters well.

1 - Though, technically, "loonies" applied to teenagers.

2 - Quite possibly literally, in some cases, given the weird clubs at
   Furinkan. 

RANMA: Hey, how much do I gotta pay for these footnotes?

NABIKI: Only twenty yen, Saotome. They're what you call a cheap laugh.

Somehow, during the long, silent walk to the Nekohanten, they had
forgiven each other, if not quite forgotten; had made up without
either of them actually having made any sort of overture.  It was a
process that Akane had gone through several times since Ranma had come
into her life, and she still found it odd and, for reasons she
couldn't quite articulate, disturbing.  She wondered, as she often had
during such moments, what Ranma thought about it.  Or whether he
thought about it at all.  Could it be he just took that for granted,
in the same way he seemed to take so many things for granted?  Was it
just another routine for him?  He'd never said a word about it...

She could ask, of course.  But that might lead to other questions,
ones she wasn't willing to risk answering just yet.  As long as they
weren't asked, they could be pushed to the deepest recesses of her
mind and safely ignored. (1)

So, in other words, she's doing exactly the same thing as he is. Nice
irony.

"Husband come straight from school to see Shampoo?  Shampoo so glad!"
Akane's Amazon captor squealed, in the tone that ordinarily grated on
her nerves.  Today, however, she hardly noticed.  She was too busy
trying to simultaneously deny and reconcile the fact that she was, as
of five seconds earlier, suddenly missing certain potions of her
anatomy, and suddenly sporting certin others that had no business

certain (or you may just want to delete this word since you've said
'certain' already).

This makes me wonder, BTW, whether Shampoo's closeness is going to
stimulate... certain... responses in Akane's borrowed male anatomy.
Might be funny to see her get angry at Ranma because of that, with him
not understanding at all what she's mad about.

"Ranma no like Shampoo?"  The wide eyes had begun to brim with tears
as they bored unflinchingly into Akane.

"Uh..."  Akane flailed for an excuse.  "China is kind of far..."

To one side, unremarked, Ranma buried his face in his hands.  He had a
strong urge to yell at someone... but if he did, he would give their
act away.

Um... why? Not like it would be uncharacteristic of Akane to yell at
Ranma in this situation. I suppose maybe Ranma just isn't thinking
clearly here.

"Oh, god, no."  Akane blinked, almost as taken aback by the outburst
as Shampoo.  "Uh, I mean, I can't.  Um, I gotta go."  Matching deed to
word, she was nearly out the door as she called back, "C'mon Akane.
Sorry Shampoo!" and retreated like a true Saotome. (4)

Missing some commas in the dialog there.

"Yeah, I know.  But I wouldn't've done that." (1)

"But you do that all the time when guys hit on you when you're a
girl!" Akane, defensive, protested.

"Guys, sure, 'cause I'm a guy.  But not Shampoo."

And he's not normally trying to keep the fact that he's a guy secret.

"Well, I'm a girl, so--"  Akane suddenly stopped short.  "Just what do
you mean, 'not Shampoo?'  How do you usually react, hmm?" she accused,
levelling a suspicious stare at him.

leveling, I think (isn't two ls the British spelling?)

could; he never was one to admit to needing help.  Just like a man...
He must, she realized, be trying to keep her out of danger.  Which was
silly, of course, but he meant well.  She would have to join in the
fight anyway, of course; she was an Amazon.

Two 'of course's here... might want to make one a 'naturally' or
something else.

I'm really glad to see this continuing. You're handling the awkwardness
of trying to be someone else quite well, and it looks like much
amusement ahead as R&A run into more of the usual people and situations.

OTOH, while I loved the story, I hated the footnotes. They do little
more than interrupt the story for a few cheap laughs and to explicitly
spell out things that the reader should figure out on his/her own.
Moreover, they send a message of "Don't take this too seriously," which
kind of undermines the story which *does* work very well if you take it
seriously. At the very least, might I suggest you come up with some
funnier quips if you're going to continue using these.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html