Everything is IMO.

This C&C brought to you be QuickYen productions:

--- Ken Brockwell <rolothamasi@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:

C&C would be most welcomed. I'm also looking for
people willing to pre-read 
for me. So if you're interested, mail me in private.

Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to
their respective owners. 
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Rival Schools
and Street Fighter 
belong to Capcom. These are their owners to the
extent of my knowledge.

Notes: Retsu is the monk from the original Street
Fighter and Daigo 
(literally meaning 'big brother') is from Rival
Schools. Also, this set at 
the end of Rival Schools and the Ranma 1/2 series.

SCHOOL DAYS
Prologue

Ranma spat out the blood in his mouth as he got
himself to his feet. This 

Suggest: 'as he got to his feet.'

'Daigo' character was a lot tougher than he had
thought. After the first 
fight, Ranma figured he had the big guy pegged, but
boy, was he wrong. They 
had been going at it for almost an hour now. Both
had landed heavy blows on 
the other but Ranma had obviously felt it more.

other, but

"This guy's like both Herb 
and Ryouga put together" he thought.

You might want to use something other than quotes to
puncuate thoughts to avoid confusing readers.

It was true; the young man Ranma was fighting had
indeed taken enough 
punishment to down even the Eternally Lost Boy. But
Ranma's opponent was no 
ordinary adversary. He was brimming with energy.
Every punch or kick was 
backed up by a heavy dose of chi, to the point where
a single kick would 
send his prey flying and his fist would glow with
blue energy as he threw 
them at his foe. But not only that, he was able to

If you mean when Daigo would throw both the kick and
the punch, you might want to reword this. If you mean
when Daigo would throw his fist(s), change 'fist' to
'fists', or change 'them' to 'it'.

focus his chi to be used 
as a shield for his body. Ranma had tried the Kachuu
Tenshin Amaguriken on 
his opponent earlier but not only was it neutralized

earlier,

after the initial blows 
but it left him open for attack. And Daigo had no

blows,

You might want to try just ending the sentence
'earlier', and start a new one with 'not only...'
Right now, it seems like a run-on.

To avoid beginning a sentence with a conjunction, take
out 'And' and change the sentence to: 'Daigo had no
compunctions in taking advantage of the situation,
either, catching...'

compunctions in taking 
advantage of the situation and catching Ranma in one
of his high powered 
combinations. The best advantage Ranma had over the
person was the man's 

I sense you trying to avoid using 'Daigo' again so
soon. I run into this problem lots of times myself,
but I don't think 'person' would work well here. Try
'Daigo', and see if it really make that much of a
difference. I doubt anyone would even notice =P.

inability to throw chi blast.

He was cornered. His back was to the wall of the

Who was cornered? It might have been your intention
not to reveal who 'he' was, but I think it might have
been better if you said who it was.

alley they had been 
fighting in. There was no point in trying to dodge
all day. The area was too 
narrow and his legs were too weak anyway, having

suggest: '...and his legs were too weak from having
received such heavy punishment, anyway.'

received such heavy 
punishment already. He couldn't even try to make a
break for it either, the 

change the comma to a period and begin a new sentence
with 'the'

-or-

change the comma to a semicolon

man's lackeys were blocking all escape and
preventing any help from his 
friends and family. There were even a few laying in
wait on the rooftops. 
They were the ones who could throw chi blast and
were waiting to shoot him 
down if he tried to escape that way. Luckily, none
of them had tried to 
interfere though it was clear why. Their 'Big

interfere,

Brother' could handle himself.

There was nothing left to do. It was fight but no
flight. Fine then! He'd 
take the guy down with both arms behind his back if
he had to. No one was 
going to beat Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of
Anything Goes Martial 
Arts! Rushing at his opponent, Ranma was greeted by
a flurry of punches that 
ended with a vicious straight that sent him sailing.
Game, set, match: 
Daigo.

Cologne shook her head as she looked between the
prone form of her 
son-in-law and the departing figure of the one who
so easily defeated him. 
"Ranma, what am I going to do with you?" she thought

(see above about using quotes for punctuating
thoughts)

to herself as Genma 
hefted his son onto his shoulder. It seems her
son-in-law would require some 
new training. He was bested twice in single combat
by the man known as 
Daigo. The man's followers had stayed out of the
fight and interfered in no 
way. "They didn't even try to stop us from watching
with them." she thought.

(see above about using quotes for punctuating
thoughts)

*******

Ranma regained consciousness to the gentle
ministrations of Dr. Tofu. "How'd 
I get into these things. Why'd every martial artist

'Why does', maybe?

in town gotta take 
something offa my hide?" As he thought about it, he
knew how he got himself 
into this particular altercation.

This doesn't sound right to me, for some reason.
Maybe, 'The more he thought about it, the more he
realized how he got himself into this particular
altercation'?

It started about three weeks ago. A couple of thugs
were picking on some guy 
with glasses. He went in and shoved them off, which
got this guy dressed all 
in black and wearing a motorcycle helmet to pick a
fight with him. He had to 
admit, the guy had potential, but beating him wasn't
too tough. About a week 
later, the guy, Akira, showed up with his 'Big
Brother', who took Ranma out 
pretty easily with a firewall technique, which took
the young martial artist 
totally by surprise. For the rematch, Ranma figured
he would goad the guy 
into using it again and then hit him with the Hiryu
Shoten Ha, but things 
didn't go that way. The big man already figured out

Add 'had' after 'man'

the move's flaw. 
Apparently, he scouted Ranma prior to challenging
him. He jumped high into 
the air just as Ranma pulled it off and got away
unscathed. After that, the 
beating started.

*******

Cologne did something that could send shivers down a
demon's spine and make 
the most virile of men to go impotent. She smiled.

Heh.

Writing out a reply to 
the letter she had just received, Cologne though,
"What a stroke of luck! 
This is just what son-in-law needs."

<Great-grandmother, why are you smiling? Have you
thought of a new way for 
husband and I to come together? > Shampoo asked when

Shampoo: <Or maybe you wanted to take care of Mousse's
excitedness?>

her curiosity got the 
better of her as she saw her elder smiling.

<Why yes Shan Pu, but that is not the only reason
I'm smiling. > she 

Shampoo: Poor Mousse. He would have had strong
children too...

answered disturbingly cheerfully. <And do I need a
reason to smile 
great-granddaughter? > She whacked the back of her
great-granddaughter's 
head. <Go practice your forms till its time for bed.
You need to brush up. >

<Yes, great-grandmother. > Shampoo replied as she
went to carry out her 
matriarch's command.

<What a nice little girl. > Cologne said to herself
before continuing her 
work.

*******

Two weeks later

Maybe add a couple lines after this, or puncuate it
more than this, or add ellipses.

<...>

Retsu was greeted to the sight of two middle-aged
men playing a game of 
shogi as he went in the Tendo household. Assuming
they were the proprietors 
of the establishment, he waited patiently for them
to finish. All the while, 
marveling at how blatantly they were each trying to
cheat the other. "We're 

This is a sentence gragment. Add 'he' after 'while'

home!" Retsu turned around to see a cute young lady
followed by a fellow 
with a pigtail. "Well" he thought, "no point waiting

comma after 'Well' (I think)

in the frying pan, 
guess it's straight to the fire." Clearing his
throat to get the attention 
of the elders and the youth, Retsu waited for a
response. And waited.

"Hey pop. Who's the bald guy?"

Heh.

"Forgive me. I am Mr. Retsu Toriyama. I have come at
the suggestion of an 
old acquaintance of mine; are any of you familiar

change the semicolon to a period and begin a new
sentence with 'are', or phrase it as:
'...mine--are...'

with a Mistress Khu Lon?"

"So the old ghoul sent ya huh? Whadaya want?" Ranma

ya,

eyed the man 
suspiciously. Anybody Cologne sent couldn't be out
to do him any favors. 

Except getting rid of those unsightly limbs of his...

They were probably part of some plot to get him to
go back to China with 

Or that...

Shampoo and likely to be some fairly tough

'...Shampoo, and would...'

competition. The guy didn't look 
all that much though. Just a short, middle-aged man

much,

with a follicular 
problem. But then, you never know.

suggest: add 'again' after 'then'

"I think I should be discussing this with your
elders as well." That almost 
got the attention of the elder Saotome and Tendo.
"You see, I represent a 
new school that's being formed. We cater to those
who take an interest in 
the Art." Now THAT got the senior's attention. "Let

seniors'

me explain. In the past 
ten years of so, there have been a rise in the

of=or

number of 'exceptional' 
martial artists. Various scientific organizations
have begun to take an 
interest in the matter and are sponsoring an
international study program on 
it. Those who have an aptitude for the Art or
matters relating to it are 
being invited to join one of our newly established
schools for a semester. 
Perhaps you already heard of us in the news?"

"Umm, well." Ranma mumbled with his hand behind his
head. "I been kinda busy 
lately ya know."

lately,

"Quiet boy!" said Genma while hitting him over the
head. "It's a very well 
known program. You should feel honored, not standing
around scratching your 
head."

"Quit it, pop! If you know so much, then why'd ya
never said anything about 

a little awkward here

it before, huh?"

"That's because the Anything Goes Art has no equal,
so it wouldn't matter 
anyway. Besides, you should keep up with these
things yourself." Genma was 
quite proud of his response as he stood over his
son, looking as smug as he 
ever had.

Then why should Ranma be honored? I mean, if Genma
already thinks Anything Goes has no equal, why should
he think Ranma should be honored to be invited? And if
it was a well-known program that Ranma should feel
honored to join, why hasn't Genma forced Ranma into it
yet?

"Oh, that's just too bad that you feel that way."

change 'that's' to 'it's'

Retsu frowned. "Well, I 
wouldn't want to bother you much further. Say Ranma,
how about we have a 
little sparring match and see if you can teach an
old dog like me any new 
tricks, hmm? You'll have to take it easy on me

me,

though."

"Sure, let's go at it in the dojo." Ranma said
confidently.

Retsu couldn't help but smile to himself. It was the
same thing over and 
over. "Gotcha! Knew all I had to do was kiss up and
he wouldn't be able to 
refuse." he thought. Of course Ranma would have

course,

Puncuating thoughts with quotations marks is really
getting confusing. I thought he'd said that out loud.

accepted regardless of how 
his opponent had challenged him. But then, Retsu
didn't know that. Taking a 
ready stance when he met up with Ranma at the dojo,
he noticed Ranma 
smirking a little. "A bit full of himself, isn't
he?"

(see above about using quotes for punctuating
thoughts)

Deciding that he would be taking the old man down

this is a little awkward. maybe 'Deciding he would
rather just take the old man down quickly...'

quickly, Ranma took an 
offensive stance. He'd have to be careful though.
Cologne did send the guy 
after all. He noted that Retsu was in a karate
stance and was already coming 
up with a game plan to deal with it. "You ready?"

Retsu nodded and the fight began. Ranma went in
close and intended to throw 
a few kicks and jabs to feel his opponent out. But

change period to comma and decapitalize 'But'

was stopped short even 
before completing the first kick. "Shoryuken!" The
moment Ranma got close 
enough, Retsu performed a jumping uppercut that sent
him flying to the other 
end of the dojo with his breath out of his lungs The

lungs.

move was so powerful, 
the kick Ranma threw just bounced off the man while
he was performing it.

"Hadoken" A sphere of energy almost slammed into
Ranma. Luckily, he twisted 
his body and was able to escape the brunt of the
attack. But it still sent 
him spiraling down onto the mat. Retsu moved in

'It still sent him $$spiralling$$ down to the mat,
though.'

close to kick at Ranma's 
groin but missed as the young pigtailed martial
artist rolled out of the way 
and got to his feet. Surprised at the lad's speedy
recovery, Retsu was 
stunned long enough for Ranma to do the Kachuu
Tenshin Amaguriken on him for 
his troubles. Taking the full brunt of the assault,
Retsu collapsed onto the 
floor gasping. Tapping the mat to show his
submission.

Fragment, change to: 'He tapped the mat to show his
submission.'

"The old guy's knows some stuff." Ranma thought.
"That chi blast was 
amazing! I could feel it sucking all the chi around
the place. I gotta learn 
it, Daigo wouldn't be able block it with his chi
shield."

(see above about using quotes for punctuating
thoughts)

Meanwhile, Both Soun and Genma were trying to pick
their jaws off the 
ground. Their upper lips may never have made contact
if it weren't for old 
Happi falling on top of them. The old pervert was so
shocked he fell off the 
rafters he was on while watching the fight. That
jumping uppercut Retsu 
performed was the same move that the wandering
warrior Ryu had used to 
defeat the Muay Thai champion Sagat. It was a
powerful technique currently 
being copied by many martial artists around the
world, but the trained eyes 
of the three men who were there to see it performed
on the fallen champion 
had told them that this one was done only one step
removed from original 
form. Meaning it was only one step from perfection.

suggest: 'That meant it was only one step from
perfection.'

-or-

...from original form, meaning it was only one step
from perfection.'

It has been the most 

Change 'has' to 'had', to keep the tense of the story
consistent.

sought after technique by the practitioners of
Anything Goes as it is said 

Goes, as it $$was$$

that a master of the original form could defeat any
enemy. It's even 

It was

supposed to surpass the Saotome Forbidden
Techniques.

"Not bad Ranma. You were pretty good. I guess you
would have passed the 
entrance. So, you sure you're not interested in
joining our school?" Retsu 
asked while picking up his old carcass off the mat.

Ranma was surprised at how quickly Retsu recovered.
"Umm, well� I AM kinda 
busy� but I guess it wouldn't be too much
trouble�er"

I see you use Microsoft Word. Make sure it doesn't
change your ellipses to tiny dots, as it takes away
from the impact.

"Oh well, if you're not interested that's just fine
by us. After all, you 
WERE beaten by one of our seniors. Daigo Kazama if
I'm not mistaken� and 
he's not even our school's best fighter. With your
potential, you should be 
able to beat him if you could learn a few of the
tricks our students use. 
But since you're not interested... " Retsu began to
turn and leave. Knowing 

'leave, knowing...'

-or-

'He knew full well that he $$had gotten$$ the lad.'

full well that he got lad. He reached into his coat
pocket and took out a 
pen and a piece of document that he offered to the
first young pigtailed 
martial artist who would jump in front of him.
Surprise surprise, it was 
Ranma. "Sign here please." Snatching the document
away, Nabiki began running 
through it while Ranma asked the questions. When she
got there, nobody knew. 
But then, they were all kind of distracted.

It seems to me that this was a half-hearted attempt to
get Nabiki in here without having to write how she got
there. They are all well-trained martial artists, and
even if they were distracted, I think they'd notice
her. Maybe you should have Genma, Soun, or Happousai
taking the contract away, instead. I'm sure they would
be interested in the contract; especially Happousai
who wouldn't want his chosen heir taken away by some
other bald weirdo.

"How'd you know about that? What did the old ghoul
tell you?" It was all 
ineffectual though, Retsu just stood there looking
smug. It's not often he 
got to be the center of attention. Being the
forgotten student of Master 
Gokuen from the Shotokan School of Karate had that
effect. For god's sake, 
even that nitwit Dan was more well known than he
was! Not that he minded it 
all that much, but it's nice to be noticed once in a

it's-->it was

while.

Ranma never got to finish his line of questioning

questioning,

though. As he was shoved 

...though, as he was...

away by his father and Mr. Tendo who were

Tendo,

alternating between genuflecting 
before Happosai and the new guy. "Oh great master of
the Shotokan art, 
forgive my son's brashness. And we would be glad to
send him to your school 
to improve on the Anything Goes Art." "Waah! My
future son-in-laws going 
away to learn one of the strongest techniques of the
Art! Waah!"

That snapped Retsu out of his reverie. "No, no, no
Mr. Tendo. Ranma's not 
going to study Shotokan. He's just going to a school
with plenty of other 
martial artists, where hopefully he'll pick up a few
things from them. Your 
ward is very good, most people wouldn't have gotten
up after what I did but 

did,

he's certainly not the best."

"Hey!"

"Don't get me wrong Ranma, as I said, you're good.
But it'll be years before 
you'll be the best. Daigo's one of our best, but not

' "Don't get me wrong Ranma. As I said, you're good,
but it'll be years before you'll be the best." '

THE best. A lot of the 
students know some tricks you wouldn't even dream

suggest: '...some tricks that you...'

of. As far as the martial 
arts aspect of the school, you'll be learning more
from them than anyone 
else. And please, sirs. I'm hardly a master of
Shotokan, much less be 
qualified to teach it. Most of our students know a
lot more than I do." 
Retsu said while trying to get the two men to their

more than I do," Retsu said...

feet without much 
success.

"So what's this about my Ranma-chan going off to a

So,

new school? And if you're 
not teaching him Gokuen's art, why should we let him
go?" asked Happosai.

"You know about Master Gokuen!?" Retsu was
astounded. Not many people were 
aware of his dearly departed teacher.

"Why yes, he and I started out together till he went

'yes. He and I started out together, till...'

I think you mean that they traveled together until he
went wishy washy. They can't continually start out
together.

wishy washy on me. I 
would have given him a little payback for a stunt he
pulled a while back but 

back,

why speak ill of the dead." Happosai nodded
solemnly. Gokuen might have been 
a stick in the mud, but he knew his stuff.

"Darn!" Retsu thought. "Look at the time I have to
get going or the old bat 
(Cologne) would kill me." Addressing the old pervert

(see above about using quotes for punctuating
thoughts)

with more respect than 
was due, Retsu bowed and said, "I'm sorry. But I'm

'...sorry, but...'

on a very tight schedule. 
We'll have to talk more on the matter next time.
Well Ranma? Are you ready 

Well,

to join up?"

"Well�"

To be continued

Notes: Not much of a cliffhanger but we take what we
can get. Daigo's moves 
include a firewall technique that surrounds him in
swirling flame. I'm 
calling it 'Firewall' for the sake of this work of
fiction.

Interesting plot. I hope this will turn out to be more
than just a story where Ranma fights a lot of people
and gets better gradually until he's the best.

=====
-----
L.A.
-----
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com