I know, I know.  When I first wrote this, I had said "It's just too bad 
to write as anything of significant size," and here I am, writing it out as a 
longer fic.  Oh well...  Guess it must not have been that bad, after all...
    This is the first version -- a prose version.  I'll also be doing a 
slightly different script-style version of this (eventually) to appease the 
voices in my head.  (You heard that, minna?  You can shut up about how I have 
to do this in script now!)
    The first bit of the chapter is a redoing of the original spamfic.  
Prizes to anyone to who can't believe it, 'cause you'd have to be more 
oblivious then Kasumi not to be able to tell.

I don't own Slayers, someone else does.  And they'll soon have whatever cash 
I have left, so they needn't bother to sue.

Will take any C&C, flames, or even (dare I say it?) praise.  I won't stop 
writing this without any commentary of any type -- I'm writing this for 
myself, really -- but I might stop posting it to the list.

Thanks to my prereaders, all two of you.

Fakes
By Ryo Hoshi

     Lina peeked into the room.  Nobody was in there other then Gourry and 
Amelia.  They were talking about something...Lina grabbed a tray and made 
like a waitress.  Might as well find out what they're talking about.
     "Hmmm...you think Lina's like that because she actually believes that 
large mammary glands are a good thing?" asked Gourry.  There was something 
different to his voice.  It wasn't an easily describable something.  It could 
be described, maybe, as intelligence...but in Gourry's voice?  Never, thought 
Lina.
     "Interesting supposition," replied Amelia.  There was something 
different about her voice, too.  Maturity, maybe?  Definitely some 
intelligence, at least.
     "Personally, I think hers are just the right size.  Not too small as to 
be not there, not big enough to, say, make conversation with men problematic 
as their attention's more on her chest."  Gourry took a sip of his cup of 
herbal tea.  Lina sniffed.  Strawberry?
     "Still, it would help if she stopped wearing those shoulder pads -- they 
end up looking smaller that way," Amelia said with a grin.  She took a sip 
from her own glass of tea.
     At about this point, they finally noticed Lina, who had just fainted.  
Gourry managed to catch her just before she put a nice bump on her head.  
"Lina?"

     Lina blinked, partially to get her eyes to focus and partially in shock. 
 Did she really hear those two talking...no, it couldn't be.  They'd never...
     "She's awake."  Her ears told her it was Amelia's voice.  Not the nice 
safe voice of 'normal' Amelia, but the unfamiliar other Amelia's voice.
     "Oh, thanks Amelia.  Are you okay, Lina?"  Gourry was looking at her.  
He looked...worried.
     "Were you two talking..."  Lina blushed, unable to continue.
     "So you did hear."  Gourry sighed.  His eyes darkened, slightly.  "Guess 
we might as well stop faking it."
     "Faking what?" Lina asked.
     "Our personalities.  We agreed to the act a little before I met up with 
you, Lina.  Amelia had been visiting the castle I had been working at, and, 
well, we eventually started talking about you.  Anyway, we ended deciding to 
meet up with you, and travel with you for a while, on something of a bet," 
Gourry said.  There was something of a sigh in it.
     "A...bet?"  Lina was startled, somewhat.  
     "Yeah.  Gourry bet that you were out going after bandits because you are 
insecure, and I bet that you did it for kicks."  Amelia was grinning.  Lina 
considered reaching out and hitting the princess, but decided against it.
     "So far, it looks like I'm right."  Gourry smiled.  "Not that I care 
about the money.  There's enough in my family that I don't really need to get 
more."
     "You think that we should tell Zel?"  Amelia wondered.
     "Sure."  Gourry smiled.  It wasn't his normal smile, Lina noticed.  
Something in the eyes, perhaps?
     Lina decided that she didn't really want to know, smiled vaguely, and 
fainted again.
     "She's out," commented Amelia.
     "And since when was she in?"
     "You have a point...so, Gourry, shall we tell her when she wakes up that 
you're a cousin of mine?"
     "Nah.  I'd start with telling her that I'm in love with her and want to 
marry her.  Besides, we're not really cousins...it's our mothers who were 
cousins..."
     "I think they were second cousins...but why bother with the technical 
terms?"

     "Ai, did you *have* to do *that*?"  The bandit looked at the caravan, 
and the figures sprawled all over it.
     Ai smiled.  "Yes.  That chimera was resistant to my other spells, and 
he's a pretty good sorcerer, too.  Well, was.  Doubt he'll even remember his 
name who he wakes up."  She giggled at the thought, and gave the bandit a 
slap on the back.  "Besides, all of the caravan's out, now!  So go gather up 
those goods!"
     "Whatever you say, chief."
     Once her men were safely looting the caravan of all its valuables, she 
walked to where her erstwhile opponent lay.  "So...what shall I do with you?  
You're very valuable, you know, Zelgadiss Graywords..."

     Gourry and Amelia had managed to rouse Lina again in time for dinner.  
(Not that this took much effort; Lina, after missing lunch, was very hungry 
and had leaped up at the word dinner.)
     The dishes were piled high, and Lina and Gourry were deciding on whether 
or not dessert would be nice, when the messenger came in.  The messenger wore 
a long black cape, with its hood drawn up to cover his -- or maybe her, it 
was impossible to tell with that cape -- face.  The messenger walked straight 
to the counter, and talked a little to the owner.  A few words later, some 
coins were slid across the counter and the messenger headed straight to 
Amelia.
     "Amelia wil Tesla Saillune?  I come with news for you."  The messenger 
pulled back the hood, revealing a rather pretty feminine face, with light 
gray eyes and shoulder length white hair.
     "I am she," replied Amelia.  "Your message?"
     The messenger visibly paused, in part to getting the proper reply, and 
in part to Amelia asking for the massage then.  "Are you sure you want them," 
the messenger indicated Lina and Gourry, "here?"
     "Yes.  Your message?"
     The messenger sighed, and reached under the cloak.  "I represent a group 
of merchants whose caravan was attacked.  Several of the people traveling 
with it are injured or dead, and a few are missing."  The messenger pulled 
out a bundle.  "One of those still missing is a Zelgadiss Graywords."  The 
messenger put the bundle onto the table, where the light showed it to be the 
same color as Zelgadiss's cloak, with a few bloodstains on it.  "This is all 
that could be found...there was a lot of blood in the area...it's not likely 
that he's still alive."
     Amelia had gone pale.  "Where?"
     The messenger smiled, nervously.  "I'm not sure where, exactly.  I do 
know the road, though, so I could guide you there...don't worry, it isn't any 
trouble for me, I have to head that way anyway...you aren't going to cry, are 
you?  Oh L-sama, I hate it when..."
     Amelia looked a lot better, suddenly.  Maybe it had something to do with 
the look of panic that was showing on the messenger's face towards the end.
     The messenger, seeing the crisis pass, pulled a chair out.  The 
messenger removed her cloak and draped it over the back of the chair, and sat 
down.  The messenger wore a loose brown tunic over green leggings that looked 
two sizes too big.  The messenger's belt was plain, brown, and didn't have a 
sword.  There were a two white-handled knives there, however.
     "So," Lina said after looking her over, "what's your name?"
     "I'm called Mikael," the messenger replied. "And you two are?"
     "I'm Lina Inverse, and he," she pointed a chopstick in Gourry's 
direction, "is Gourry Gabriev."
     "You're *the* Lina Inverse?  As in 'that flat-chested, brainless, 
breastless sorceress Lina'?"
     "Who are you calling flatchested, you [word nobody thought Lina knew 
before now]?"  Lina settled for an insult, as she wasn't too sure that it'd 
be a good time to cause any destruction; Amelia was looking like she was 
about to cry again.
     "Uhhh...I'm male..." Mikael muttered.  "Besides, I think you're rather 
smart, personally..."  In an even lower tone, he muttered something about 
them being traitorous.
     "What?" Lina said, having not quite caught what Mikael had said.
     Mikael, misreading Lina's expression, took Lina's hand and pressed it to 
where, if he was female, there's be breasts.  "See?  No breasts."
     Lina fainted again.
     "Does she do that often?" asked Mikael.
     "Well, this is the third time today.  But normally, she doesn't.  Maybe 
it's the weather," Gourry replied.

     "Come on down.  Nobody's likely to see you."  Ai was slightly cranky.  
She had just had to destroy magically some very nice landscape, drag a 
chimera through a hidden pass in the mountains, and then prepare a nice 
picnic basket that just happened to have the herbs necessary to treat the 
chimera's wounds.  (Not to mention that the annoying side effects of the 
spell she had used earlier were starting to show up, so she wasn't too sure 
of the ground anymore.  She thanked L-sama that she had the presence of mind 
to have done the landscape destruction before she had to fight Zelgadiss.) 
Her mood had not been improved by the ride back into the valley.  Why she had 
ever bothered to steal that saddle was a mystery even to herself...
     "You'll be happy to know that I've worsened his injuries for you," a 
male voice replied.
     "Thank you."  Ai smiled.  Well, she thought, there's one less thing to 
do...  "Now, get on your horse.  We've got good deeds to do!"
     "And those dragons think we never do anything nice."  He giggled.

     Pain, he thought.
     Lots of pain.
     Light.  Bright light.  Much to bright.
     "Oh!" said a female in surprise.  "Look!"
     "He's awake..."  Male voice, this time.  Something about it set off 
alarms at the back of his mind, and brought a blurry picture to mind.
     "Sad.  See what can do for him?"
     "Sure, though we're not likely to be able to do much, given that we 
can't do much in the way of white magic."
     "His arm look broken.  Not sure where.  Chimera-san, tell when hurt."  A 
pair of hand started to firmly press his left wrist.  A hand's width above.  
A hand's width above that...blinding pain.
     "It broke," said the female voice.  "Help set?"
     "Sure."
     "Get splint, bandage."  His arm got pulled gently, and the bone slipped 
back into place.  With a lot of pain.
     Zelgadiss returned to unconsciousness.
     "Oh dear.  Looks like he found that too painful," Ai's companion said, 
with a giggle.
     "Xelloss, just give me those splints..." Ai replied.  "And if you find 
his pain so enjoyable, you can set his leg.  Hm.  Toss me a few of those 
bandages, we don't want him to bleed to death."
     "Why did you stab him, then?"
     "Xelloss-sensei..." Ai said, exasperation in her voice.
     "Oh, I already had guessed.  I just enjoy it when you say that..." 
     Ai sighed.  "So, want some wine?  It's a very good year...and it'll be a 
while before he wakes up again..."

     Amelia finished her meal quickly and quietly went upstairs.  She was 
happy that Mikael, Lina, and Gourry were still eating and talking.  She 
didn't want to be bothered...but just in case, she locked her door.
     She carefully sat down on her bed and placed the bundle reverently down 
beside her.
     Carefully, she undid the knotted string that held it together and 
unwrapped the cloak, revealing a sealed box.  She carefully folded the cape 
up and set it to the side, and then broke the seal of the box and opened it.  
Inside lay Zel's sword in its scabbard and two small leather bags, identical 
in size and color.
     She carefully set the sword on top of the folded cape.  She didn't need 
to draw it to be certain it was his, and she wanted to know what were in the 
pouches.
     Inside one was a collection of coins, probably his pay.  She carefully 
counted it and then put it aside.  If she found him alive, she would return 
it to him; if she found him dead...  She shook her head.  Better to not even 
consider the possibility.
     The other bag held an assortment of objects.  She set them carefully 
out, examining each one in turn.  There was a small writing kit, that she 
remembered giving him on his last birthday with instructions that he was to 
write her sometimes.  He did, but never often enough...
     There was a small locket, wrapped in white silk, with a portrait of a 
woman she didn't recognize holding small and very happy baby.  The child's 
face wasn't very clear, but from the hair she guessed that it was Zel as a 
baby with his mother.  In the other side was a lock of hair, the same pale 
purple of the woman in the picture.  She wrapped the locket back up before 
putting it down.
     The next object was a small box, holding a necklace and a pair of 
earrings, gold with blue topaz teardrops.  She recognized them from the 
picture in the locket.  His mothers, and very valuable to him.
     The last object was a letter.  Written on it was her name.  She 
carefully opened it up, barely catching the ring that had been folded into 
it, and started reading it.
     As she read, her eyes blurred with tears unshed, and she ended up having 
to put the letter down halfway through.
     She leaned back and cried.
     The ring dropped from her hand and onto the floor, the candlelight 
glinting off of the diamond and two blue topazes that were set in it.

     The next morning, Mikael woke up, checked his pocket mirror to see if he 
was finally developing facial hair, and got dressed.  He felt that he had 
gotten up at a rather sane hour, but when he got down there were Amelia, 
Gourry, and Lina, well into breakfast.  The waitress, a tall brunette, was 
running back and forth between their table and the kitchen.  Luckily for her, 
the inn was mostly empty that morning, as most of the people who were staying 
in the inn that night had opted to buy one of the inn's locally famous bentos 
instead of eating there.
     Lina and Gourry were dressed the same as they were the night before, but 
Amelia had changed her outfit.  Instead of her usual cape, she now wore 
Zelgadiss's bloodstained one, and at her side hung his sword.  One look at 
her face made him decide that it would be unwise to say the least to say 
anything about it.

     Mikael wasn't sure if it had been a good idea to offer the princess of 
Saillune his services.  So far, they had run into one megalomaniac (but, 
happily, weak) sorcerer, several groups of rather lost bandits, and a 
confused (and, when he saw Lina, scared) mazoku.
     All things considered, it was quite possibly the most exciting three 
days of Mikael's life so far.  (He wasn't sure if the chess tournament he saw 
back when he was ten quite counted, even though he had found it extremely 
exciting.)
     "I honestly didn't know that my hand had ended up there," Gourry was 
telling Lina.  "It isn't my fault that you landed on me when you lost control 
of that spell..."
     Mikael scanned the surroundings for cover.  He was understandably not 
very eager to be hit by another one of Lina's fireballs...
     He needn't have bothered.  Lina only hit Gourry.

     One pain-filled (for the chimera) ride later, they were in a city.  
"Welcome, Chimera-san, to Olnwal!" said Ai, sounding more innocent then was 
likely.  "Chimera-san?  Oh, he's out.  Well, Xelloss, welcome to Olnwal, the 
city of thieves."
     "Are you sure you don't want to run a resort for mazoku?  I mean, given 
that you're all thieves...and your lovely prison..."
     "Xelloss-sensei, you know what would happen the second a dark lord 
turned up.  It's risky enough letting you in."  Ai sighed; it would be nice 
to be able to switch to mazoku prison guards.  "So you'll be staying in the 
palace.  Yes, I know it doesn't like mazoku, but if you stay near me it isn't 
going to kill you."
     "Even at night?"  Xelloss giggled.  It was fun, sometimes, teasing Ai.
     "Since you are a guest, you get my bed.  I'll be perfectly happy 
sleeping on the floor."

     Olnwal was, from a military perspective, perfect.  It had been built in 
the hidden valley at the top of the legendary bandit trail.  The passes into 
the valley, carved out over the centuries by water, human hands, and the 
occasional cranky magic user, were easily defended; a handful could easily 
hold off an entire army for weeks, if necessary.
     The city itself was large, and for some strange reason, mostly white.  
It had the expected military barracks, the ornate palace, and large squares.  
Surprisingly, it also had a large temple to Ceifeid (it was right next to the 
prison; there weren't many people who bothered going there, as the 
bloodcurdling screams from next door completely ruined the mood), and a 
spacious library (connected to the palace).
     Of course, Olnwal being the city of thieves, they didn't like people who 
were in the city stealing.  After all, it's one thing to steal from rich 
merchants, and another to steal from other thieves.  Also, it should be noted 
that these people prided themselves on being *thieves* -- not murders, not 
rapists, not sadistic monsters whose 'accomplishments' are called sick even 
by mazoku.  They were quite enlightened when it came to punishment, however, 
so they didn't execute those undesirables.  They tortured them instead.  (Or, 
rather, let them torture each other, the guards' job simply being to keep 
them in and toss food in.  Sometimes they forgot the food part, but they were 
pretty good at keeping the prisoners in.)

     Chimera-san woke up later, in the palace, just in time for his bandages 
to get changed.  He rather promptly returned to La-la Land.
     "Hn.  He's healing fast.  Should be on his feet again by the end of the 
week," Ai muttered.  She straightened up and, speaking up, "Xelloss, can you 
toss me the clean bandages?  Might as well get him bandaged up again..."  She 
caught the bandages just before they hit her head.  "Thank you, Xelloss."  
She leaned back in her chair and took up paper and pencil after checking the 
bandages to bake sure they would stay in place.  Four days, so far, she 
wrote.  Most of it he's spent asleep.  So far, so good.  May L-sama be so 
kind to let my luck last.

     Lina poked the fire with a stick.  "So, who are you, really?" she asked 
Gourry.
     "The guy who owns the legendary Sword of Light and has been following 
you around for...three years, now, I think."
     "I don't think that's what Lina meant, Gourry."
     "Yes, Amelia, but that's all that's really relevant right now."
     "Wouldn't you say that she deserves to know more, though?"
     "I think that what I do and do not tell her about myself is up to me."
     "Given that you have been following her around for so long, and you have 
yet to show any sign that you are going to quit doing so anytime soon, you 
don't have that much choice."
     Lina put some more wood on the fire, feeling that the pair were likely 
to spend a good part of the night arguing.
     Mikael, on the other hand, looked like he was watching a game of ping 
pong.

     Chimera-san floated in and out of dreams.  Sometimes he dreamed of a 
tall man in red robes, who he knew he didn't like for some reason.  Other 
times he dreamed of a woman, with soft lavender hair and blue eyes.  She wore 
an off-white dress, and he felt sorrowful, for some reason, that he couldn't 
remember who she was.  Occasionally, he dreamed of a short boy with long red 
hair, accompanied by a tall young man with blond hair.  Sometimes, a short 
girl would be with them, with black hair and indigo eyes...  Mixed feelings 
were associated with them.

*** *** *** End Part 1 *** *** ***

Bonus parody scene:

     Lina poked the fire with a stick.  "So, who are you, really?" she asked 
Gourry.
     "I'm an out of work youma, like Amelia," Gourry said.
     "Yeah.  Haven't seen much work since the end DiC's dubbing of Sailor 
Moon R," Amelia added.
     "..." went Lina.
     "Not that I ever had much work, mind you.  I mean, it's not often a male 
youma is needed."  Gourry sighed.
     "Yeah, though you did a pretty good job when you were needed."  Amelia 
giggled.  "I mean, you were more convincing then I ever was."
     "Mikael?" Lina asked, turning to him in hopes he knew something about 
what Gourry and Amelia were talking about.
     Mikael sighed and put down the thick book he had been reading.  "What is 
it, Lina?  I'm really enjoying this book...I'm up to Emperor Nero's garden 
parties..."
     "Huh?"
     "It's a fantasy, really well written...it's a history of a fictional 
empire.  You might like it," Mikael replied, picking up the book again.
     Lina sighed, curled up in her sleeping bag, and went to sleep.