C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

Ranma 1/2: Who Will Crack First?

[...]

"You and I are going to solve Ranma's romantic problems. I already have
an idea how to do that, in a way that will save face and prevent anyone

>from being hurt. But I require your assistance."

Nabiki put on her 'Oh-The-World's-Being-Silly-For-My-Benefit' smirk. "Of
course, I'll expect some ... renumeration ..."

"You'll due it for free." Kasumi said.

sp:  do
punc:  free,

"And why would I do that?" Nabiki asked.

Kasumi took out the blood-stained knife.

Nabiki:  [slowly backing away]  What happened to "nobody gets hurt"?

You never explain where (who?) the knife came from.

[...]

"Hello." Kasumi said to the assembled persons. "You may be wondering why
I called you here today."

punc:  Hello,

suggest:  people
("Persons" sounds weird.)

[...]

"Baka probably found some even sleazier bimbo." Akane pouted.

gram:  The baka
(Last I checked, it wasn't Ranma's name, it was just an insult.  :)

"Obviously one of these base trollops thought to interfere with my epic
romance with Ranma-sama." Kodachi said haughtily. "But they shall not
succeed - will they Harvey?" she addressed the invisible rabbit who'd
taken to hanging out with her.

Suggest you delete the "Harvey" bit.  Ignoring the fact that Kodachi
doesn't hallucinate, there's the matter that (a) she has no peers,
so you wouldn't be friendly with an imaginary rabbit and (b) you
really think that sort of humor is appropriate for the tone of your
fic?

"Quiet, Please." Kasumi asked, in a sweet tone that was instantly obeyed
(It's a Kasumi thing). "You'll be pleased to know that the surgery was

cap:  please
cap:  it's

[...]

"WHAT??" "Airen in hospital?" "Who did it??" "Oh Ranma-"

punc:  Oh, Ranma

I'd suggest you do something to make it clearer that these are
four quotes from four different people.  Either put them on separate
lines, or space them farther apart.

It doesn't help that the line can be read as a single quote...

Kasumi raised her hand. "None of you will discover what hospital, so
there will be no bothering him until he has healed and is ready to
return home."

Right, they'll "never learn".  What's to stop them from asking
Genma or Nodoka?  You know, his legal guardians?  The ones who
would would need to be informed of and consent to his surgery?

And of course, when they find out they were never informed, the
questions will not lead to a good place.

Akane was pale and nervous looking. "O-oneechan? Why was he in the
hospital? What did he need surgery for?"

Um, he's been gone for two days, and she didn't notice?

For this scam to work, they have to believe that he really tried
to commit suicide.  Only there was no commotion.  No ambulance.
Most of all, Kasumi apparently decided to to mention *for a week*
that Ranma's life was in peril.

Frankly, I can see Akane calling the cops becuase she doesn't believe
he'd ever commit suicide -- he's obviously just trying to protect
someone else.  And when they find the bloody knife with Kasumi's
fingerprints... :)=

"Well," Kasumi explained, "the classic form of seppuku causes injuries
that cause the intestines to fall out of -"

suggest:  creates injuries
(Repeated "cause")

"SEPPUKU?!?" several voices barked in astonishment.

"- the body cavity." she continued. "The surgery necessary to save a
person in that situation is extremely risky. It's a miracle he still
lives."

punc: cavity," she continued.
or: cavity."  She continued, "The
(You make this same mistake in seveal places.  If you end a quote with
a period, it ends the sentence.  If you don't want to end the sentence,
use a comma.)

suggest:  miracle he's still alive.
(Less formal.)

[...]

"QUIET!!" Kasumi barked. "Ranma's suicide note made it quite clear - all
seventy-four pages of it. What it boils down to is that *all* of you
forced Ranma into a position where he could see no other way out."

Hello?  Seventy-four pages?  Come to think of it, Kasumi never
actually *said* that Ranma committed seppuku; she just insinuated
it.  Add that to Kasumi's yelling...

Akane:  You're not Kasumi!
Kasumi:  Akane, how can you--?

    [ Akane rips of "Kasumi's" face, which is really a mask ]

Akane:  You're a new fiancee trying to get rid of the rest of us!
New Finacee:  Damn!  And I would have gotten away with it, if it
    weren't for you meddling kids and your dog!
Ukyo:  You sure as hell better not be talking about me!

[...]

"Now," Kasumi continued, "there are going to be some changes around
here." She pulled out several official-looking sheets of paper. "You
will note that this is a contract. Nabiki drafted it, so forget about
loopholes. And, unlike Genma's this one is enforcable in a court of
law." she explained, handing them out. "This contract stipulates the
conditions under which the courtship of Ranma will proceed - and the
circumstances that will cause the engagement to be *permanently*
negated."

punc:  unlike Genma's, this
punc:  law," she

"Ranma wouldn't do that!" Akane siad. "His ego gets stroked too much by
having all these bimbos around."

sp:  said

"So much that he would kill himself to get away from them?" Kasumi
asked.

The problem is that this flies in the face of Takahashi's characterization
of Ranma.  Hell, the whole Reversal Jewel storyline wouldn't have happened
if that were the case.  When Shampoo blew him off, why wasn't he happy?

[...]

Kasumi picked up the contract. "Rule one: No speaking of romantic topics
around Ranma. No mention of engagements, dates, weddings, boy- or
girlfriends, fiancees, or spouses."

"But I'm his *fiancee!!*" Ukyo protested.

The emphasis on fiancee is odd.  Maybe it should be on "I'm"?

[...]

"Rule Three: No cooking of any type is to be presented to Ranma outside
a restaurant. *None* of you will cook for him." Again, she looked at
Shampoo and Ukyo. "If he enters yor restaurant, have someoune else do
the cooking and serving."

sp:  your
sp:  someone

[...]

"Ranma did." Kasumi answered. "He felt like the food was being used as a
means to manipulate him." She shrugged. "That and his belief that Akane
was trying to poison him."

punc:  did,"  Kasumi
suggest:  That, and his belief

[...]

"He said that no-one could possibly cook *that* bad unless they were
*trying* to commit murder." Kasumi finished. "Ranma believes that your
cooking was a way of showing your hatred of him."

sp:  no one

[...]

And the other fiancees were approaching their maximums for
embarrassment, too.

suggest:  maximum levels of embarassment
(Just trying to avoid "maximums", which should really be "maxima". :)

[...]

"I do *NOT* flirt with Kuno!!" she protested.

"Then why do you accept his 'date challenges'?" Kasumi said. "If you

She didn't accept his "date challenges".

were really serious about not wanting him, all you would have had to do
was go on the school loudspeaker and announce that you would *never*
date anyone who attacked you. Kuno's pronouncement would never have held
water with your clearly-stated opposition. Even Kuno would have had to
back down."

No, he wouldn't have.  Despite repeated beatings and claims by Akane
that she doesn't love him, he still believes she does.  Why would saying
it over a loudspeaker make any difference?

[...]

Kodachi watched from the rooftops. She was still incensed that they
expected *her* to follow their Plebian rules! But she learned early on
that coming after Ranma meant dealing with all three of her rivals. Best
to bide her time.

cap:  plebian

Akane was shocked by the change. She and Ranma were actually getting
along and being frineds. Sure, he was rude and insensetive - but since

sp:  friends
sp:  insensitive

she wasn't busy yelling at him, she noticed that he treated his friends
all the same way. He had been treating her as a friend and equal from
the beginning.

Uh, Akane and Ranma already get along.
I think you need to reread the manga...

At times, she was tempted to say he was less perverted but he had not
changed in that respect at all. In fact, she would be forced to admit he
had never been perverted to begin with. Instead, it was her own mind
that saw perversion - and was increasingly filled with images of the
times she had seen Ranma naked. It was like bing a buddy instead of a
fiancee made him desirable. Very desirable.

sp:  being a buddy

Ukyo was also shocked. She watched herself become her Ranchan's pal and
buddy again. She still wanted more, but now he seemed happy. But the way
he called them all by nicknames was annoying. 'Ucchan' had been cute,
and calling Akane 'Tomboy' was to be expected (but her getting used to
it wasn't), but calling Shampoo 'Kitten'!! Ick!!

What with Ranma's ailuriphobia, calling her "kitten" can only
mean that he finds her scary, and maybe want to claw him up...  =^_^=

Ukyo found herself getting increasingly jealous of the other two. If
they were just *gone*!! But she couldn't touch them due to that idiot
contract!

suggest:  dumb
(A contract can't be an idiot.  Idiotic, perhaps...)

Shampoo was just confused. She found that she 'liked' being Ranma's

What's with the quotes around "liked"?  Does she, or doesn't she like
being his friend?

friend. She hadn't been allowed much of a childhood in the Amazon lands
- she had been groomed to be Cologne's Heir and the Champion from her
earlist infancy. Now she got to 'hang out' and go to baseball games and
have fun!

cap:  heir
cap:  champion

[...]

"Hey guys," Ranma asked, "there's a new Pachinko parlor a couple of
blocks from here - wanna give it a try?"

cap:  pachinko

"Well, I was thinking I'd better get home." Akane begged off. <Dammit
Ranma, please please get a sex drive soon!! I'm gonna explode!!> "Maybe
next time."

Huh?  Why would Akane "explode"?  You didn't portray her as
a nymphomaniac before, when she was calling him a pervert.

[...]

Ranma smiled one of those smiles that made girls melt. "Great! C'Mon!"
<I've got to thank Kasumi for those contracts. Of course, faking a
suicide attempt was a bit weird, but it seems to have worked! For the
first time, I have *friends*! Real friends!>

Of course, you can never take off your shirt off in front of them
ever again...

And of course, "real" friends don't base their friendship off a lie.  :/

[...]

For convenience's sake, I condensed the rules down to:
1) No romantic topics
2) No gifts (including free food)
3) No cooking
4) No sex, flirting, or physical contact
5) No violence to Ranma
6) No dating others
7) No violence to other fiancees

There's no way Ranma would have included food in rule two.
Ranma likes food.  A lot.  Becuase he scarfed down food without
thinking, he had to fight Shampoo in the Amazon village.  Becuase
he scarfed down food without thinking, he had to temporarly wear
the dragon's whisker to keep his hair down.

Why would he willingly reduce his access to food?

As for rules one and four, they make if pretty @#$%ing hard to
actually *get* married to Ranma.  They can be fiancees in name,
but not approach him *as* finacees.

Why would any of the girls sign this document?  Ostensibly they
have to if they want to stay his fiancees.  Only, by signing it,
you make it *less* likely to be able marry him.

The biggest flaw in this plan is that Ranma doesn't really have any
say in who he marries.  :)  They can all just ignore the contract!

Soun and Genma will still pressure him to marry Akane.  The Saotome's
already took Ukyo's dowry.  Shampoo is still betrothed to Ranma -- what
do Japanese laws have to do with anything?  And since Kodachi never
*was* his fiancee, she has nothing to lose by not signing it.

I just couldn't believe Ranma would make this contract, that the
fiancee's -- particularly Akane -- would fall for the ruse, or that
any of them would feel they actually have to sign it.  You really
need Genma and/or Nodoka involved for this to work.

Since the "payoff" for the fic is that one of them is going to snap,
I think you should place the whole fic in a situation where they
really *do* have to be careful around Ranma -- he gets some weird
mental or physical condition.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"