-----------------------
"Riding the Wild Horse"
-----------------------

	"Let see if pill really work!"  Shampoo piped in her 
high-pitched and strangely tonal voice, popping the love pill into 
Ranma's open mouth.  Before he could protest, Akane threw herself onto 
his back, grinding his head into the sand.  She smiled grimly at the 
Amazon.  'There's no way I'm letting -her- get her hands on Ranma... 
even -he- doesn't deserve to be a love slave to that blue-haired bimbo,' 
she thought.  Akane frowned, remembering some of the names he had been 
calling her earlier.  'Then again....'

Hmmm...is Akane trying to say that Ranma doesn't deserve the pain of being
Shampoo's love slave, or the pleasure?  I couldn't quite tell...

	"No get in way, Akane!"  Shampoo pouted, curving her spine in 
that twisty feline way she had, bringing her ample chest into sharp

Why would Shampoo stick out her chest at Akane?  I would think she would
just resort to violence or something, I dunno...
 

relief.  Akane scowled again.  'There's no way those things are real.'  
Ranma twitched abruptly beneath her.  'Oh, great.  Now I've got to keep 
him from looking at--'

She's worried about whether Shampoo is all-natural at a time like that?

	Ranma pushed himself up from the ground and looked over his 
shoulder at Akane.
	
	"Akane, whaddaya think you're-- "  His words faded off, and a 
slightly dazed look gripped him.  'Ohno ohno ohno ohnooo!'  Thoughts 
fluttered through Akane's head like panicked butterflies.  'Not here!  
Not...now.'

Most people refer to butterflies in the stomach.  I like this usage.

	All the times a human being has ever been angry were like the 
smoldering smoke of a tiny campfire compared to Akane's wrath.  She 
pursued him down the beach, determined to rip his head off and mail 
it back to his mother.  He laughed and dodged every one of her swings, 

Nice imagery with the fire.  I don't think her doing that would make
Nodoka too happy, though.  What did she ever do to Akane (besides give
birth to Ranma) ?

	All of Ranma's attention being focussed on Akane, he failed 
to notice his father, who had failed to notice Ranma.  Failing to notice 
things was a Saotome family trait.  The males, anyway.  As Ranma bounced 

You may want to say, "was a Saotome family trait, at least among the
males."  Along those lines, how perceptive is Nodoka, really?

backwards, avoiding Akane's lethal strikes with a beach umbrella, Genma 
blinked his beady little panda eyes in the bright sun.  Finally taking 
in the situation, Genma gasped at the sheer opportunity of the moment.  
Before the chance could escape, he belted Ranma on the back as hard as 
he could, making sure to hold up an innocent message sign as he did so. 

What's the point of the sign?

 
	The resulting jolt of his father's strike made Ranma swallow.  
Fear clutched at his throat as he felt the small, hard lump descend 
down his trachea and into his stomach.

	"Ohmigod, I swallowed it!"  In nervousness and panic, he lunged, 
lifting Shampoo's aged great-grandmother by the front of her sundress.

	"You old ghoul!  You've got to have an anti...  anti..." 

"Hmm, let's see.  I can make myself fall in love with a drop dead gorgeous
Amazon beauty who is both extremely uninhibited and madly in love with
me...naah, I'll go for her 300 year old shriveled great-grandmother."
Schlemiel...

 

	blink.


	Ranma stared, dumbstruck.  How could he have been so blind?  
It had been right there in front of him all along.  Cologne was simply 
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen!  The simple, unpretentious 
scent of lilacs that she wore tugged at him, bringing him to her in what 
seemed the most natural thing he had ever done in his life.  He hugged 
her tight, and his heart swelled.  With her, he could be happy.  He could 
be at peace.  

This trip has been brought to you by Amazon Aphrodesiacs.  When beer just
isn't enough to make her look good...

	"Please, my heart!"  Ranma begged.  "Will you marry me?  I want 
to keep this... this feeling I have inside of me forever!"

<Insert sound of an extremely sick retort to this line being broken off
here...>

	Cologne blushed and giggled.  'Yes!'  she exulted silently.  
'He took the lifetime pill!  I can feel it emanating from him, infusing 
his entire being!'  She sighed.  'I suppose I shall lose some standing 
among the elders of the Joketsuzoku for having such a young husband, 
but...'  Her gaze lingered on his powerful arms, his slim young build 
and wide, worshipful eyes.  He would die for her if the need arose.  
'I think the elders will understand.'  Cologne nodded.  "Yes, my love!" 
she cried.  "Take me away!"  She smiled as Ranma sped from the beach, 
clutching her tight in his arms.  The protesting cries of her 
great-granddaughter and Akane Tendo were soon left far behind.

This seemed a little off to me.  Why would Cologne want Ranma?  I don'y
recall her showing any interest in him beyond a husband for
Shampoo...also, how could she be so cold as to steal her
great-granddaughter's love?

	Cologne had repaired the deserted beach house last season, 
hoping to use it eventually as another establishment of the Nekohanten.  
At the moment though, her thoughts were far from ramen.  Ranma's legs 
pounded in an intoxicating rhythm as he sped down the beach, and she 
silently congratulated herself for leaving several large, soft blankets 
in the storage room.  As they neared the beach house, Cologne pointed.  
Ranma slowed to a walk, and placed Cologne gently on the front steps.  
His chest heaved from the long run, and several beads of sweat ran 
down his muscular legs, tracking silver in the afternoon sun.  Cologne 
beckoned, disappearing into the warm darkness of the house.  He 
followed.  

The beachhouse and the blankets seemed a little too convenient to me,
unless it was in the manga somewhere that I missed...

	As Ranma's eyes adjusted to the light, he saw Cologne sitting 
in the lotus position on top of a pile of blankets.  Her eyes were 
downcast.  

	"This is silly.  I am too old for this sort of thing, 
son-in-law."  Ranma drew himself up.  He didn't understand why the 
woman he loved was so sad, but the merest absence of a smile from her 
face tore at his soul with fangs of ice.  He dropped to one knee 
before her, catching one of her small worn hands in his own.  

Nice description of Ranma's feelings.

	"My love, a new wine is sharp, green, and blunt to the taste.  
With the passage of time, it ripens into a beautiful vintage, mellow, 
sweet, and smooth.  Time can only bring it added dimension, more 
fullness and ripe flavour.  A cheese newly formed is harsh and acrid.  
Only with age can it reach its full potential as a delicious Swiss or 
strong Cheddar.  Your age is of no concern to me; it can only make you 
more beautiful." 

"We've secretly replaced their regular Ranma with our Kuno's crystals.
Let's see if they notice..."

	A small grin came to Cologne's face at his words, and the 
earnest, serious look on his face.  She chuckled, and the low, 
throaty sound of her amusement filled him with joy.  

	"You could be right, son-in-law."  She sighed, and smiled 
wryly.  "I suppose I can't call you son-in-law anymore, can I?"

	Ranma took both her hands, pulling her close.  Her soft eyes 
glimmered in the half light, pools that drowned him, chains that held 
him, hands that caressed him.

More good imagery...

	"You can call me 'husband'."  

Awww, that's so sweet (or something... :)

<snip standard Ranma lemon stuff>

and cupping his testicles gently in her hand.  A strange light entered 
Ranma's eyes that Cologne had never seen in him before.  
The light of lust.

Gee, I wonder why she's never seen it before...

	Reaching out with hands that could shatter boulders and 
break strong fighters into the ground, Ranma gently slid the straps 

I think I understand what you're trying to say with 'break strong
fighters...', but it sounds a little off.

<snip more citric stuff>

If you can get past the fact that it's Ranma and Cologne, it's well
written...other than that, I've pretty much said everything on my mind.


                                                   -Wandering Eyes