C&C Below.  Snippage throughout.

This Chapter of THE CLAN contains all sorts of innuendoes, suggestive
language, sexual imagery, nudity and actual SEXUAL CONTENT.

...Some of which are also included in my C&C.

[...]

------------------------------
THE CLAN

Chapter 16 - Healing (Lemon)
------------------------------

	Tofuu trembled. Betty had deserted him upon actually entering
Kasumi's room. Funny, he thought to himself. It looked just like
Kasumi's room always did on the few occasions he had to see it. It
wasn't as if a vampire demon from hell lived there at all.

punc:  always did, on

suggest:  It looked just like it always had
(Avoid repeating "Kasumi's room".)

Good intro.  :j

	"S-s-s-s-so, K-k-k-kas-s-s-sum-m-m-mi?" Tofu stuttered at length.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w--"

sp:  Tofuu
(Not my spelling -- it's what you use everywhere else.)

[...]

	With his glasses gone, he could *see* her. She was standing there
in front of him, her breasts heaving slightly, a flush on her neck and
face. There was a hunger as well. It threatened to eat him alive. In a
way, he guessed, that was what he had just volunteered for.

And if he weren't presently a babbling idiot, he might realize that
being eaten alive could be construed as a Bad Thing...

[...]

	"Kasumi doesn't want to get blood all over her nice dress!" Betty
called in from the hallway.

Uh, is there an explanation why Tofu is hearing Betty talk?  ^_^;
I didn't read an reason presented in this or the previous part.

[...]

	Did she *want* Tofuu to... to.. touch her body?

The story has a [lemon] tag, so I'm guessing yes.  ;)

[...]

	Tofuu's presence was like a spike in her mind. She could *see*
the heat emanating from his body. With her enhanced senses, she could
hear the thump and swish of his heart beating in excitement and feel
its pulse thrumming through his hand.

suggest:  excitement, and

[...]

	Just under the skin of his neck, Tofuu's carotid seemed to be
outlined in red, daring her to come closer.

	But if Kasumi allowed herself to go that way...

	She could already feel the heat rising in her belly, the urges
that would no doubt follow the intense pleasure of *feeding* from
Tofuu. In her mind, she could see the two of them writhing together,
their arms and legs tangled together in a web of desire and passion.
	She could easily smell Tofuu's excitement. It was coming off him
in waves, powered by the man's near fever. Her own scent was beginning
to permeate the room as well, just as it had in the alley... and when
she was by herself in bathroom after she and Nabiki shared blood...
and...

suggest: near-fever
gram:  after she and Nabiki had shared blood...

The above two paragraphs need to be spaced apart.

[...]

	"What's wrong, Kasumi?" he asked insistantly. "Is something
hurting you?"

sp:  insistently

[...]

	Tofuu's heart broke as she began to sob gently.

punc: broke, as

[...]

	"I'm such a horrible person," she whispered.

	"Because of this?" Tofuu guessed, gesturing to his neck. "Or
because... because..." He gulped loudly. "Or is it because t-the w-
way... a man... and a w-w-woman--"

Tofu's showing a remarkable degree of insight, given his condition.

Although I'm not sure I like his response.  "I'm a horrible person
because of the way a man and a woman...?"  It doesn't flow for me.
Perhaps he could say, "Or are you worried about..."

	"Don't back down now, Tofuu-sensei!" Betty encouraged him.

Betty:  You're the greatest, Wash-- (I mean), Tofuu!

	Resolutely, Tofuu nodded and took Kasumi's chin in one hand.
Calmly, he stared into her eyes. They began to glow slightly as he
gazed into them.

Is that a literal glow?  [adjusts collar nervously]

	A calm washed down over Tofuu. He had never felt this at peace,
even when he had been tested upon the mastery of the art of his
Shiatsu. This... this, being with Kasumi, was the next peak in his
life.

suggest:  a sense of calm
cap:  shiatsu

suggest:  tested upon his mastery of shiatsu
(There seem to be some extra words in there.)

[...]

	He tightened his embrace. "Is this wrong?" he asked. "Or this?"

	Brazenly, he leaned in, and let his lips rest against hers.
Kasumi gave out a muffled cry at the kiss. Suddenly, Tofuu felt the
force of his embrace returned.

Suggest putting "Or this" at the start of the second paragraph,
matching the words with the action.  As you do below...

	"Or this..." he continued, wrapping his arms completely around
her. He cradled her head against his shoulder, feeling the wetness on
her face seep through the cotton of his gi.

suggest:  through the cotton of his shirt.
(Gis are pretty darned thick...)

[...]

	Kasumi felt a dam break inside her. Hot tears began to flow down
her cheeks, but she did not break the kiss.

Her tears were already flowing.  Maybe you could modify this line?

	If this was wrong, these feelings of warmth and security and
desire that were coursing through her blood, then Kasumi resigned
herself to be a sinner. She leaned into Tofuu and returned his kiss.

"If sinning feels this good, let be a sinner."
That's probably how Happosai started, too.  ;)

I just worry about the blood-draining aspects.  ^_^;

[...]

	"Even if he is there," Which he almost certainly was, Athia kept
to herself, "There's no way he can hurt her. You really shouldn't
worry."

	"It's not my daughter's *safety* I'm worried about!" Soun
snapped.

Heh.  :)

	"What is it, Ryogua-kun?" she asked, her voice sweet, yet
predatory at the same time. It was so much fun to tease him like this.
She brought his strong hand up against her neck so that his forearm
rested between her naked breasts.

I wonder if Nabiki would use the more diminutive Ryouga-chan.  As
this point of the story, at least, she's still into a 'user' mode.
When she starts treating him better, she could switch to Ryoga-kun.

[...]

	Ryouga nodded excitedly. He knew what was coming, and it made him
miserable with anticipation.

Miserable with anticipation?  :)  That boy just does not know when
to let go and accept happiness.

[naughty bits]

Ryouga and Nabiki seem to be pretty much in character, considering
the lemon aspect.  I don't know if it was intentional or not, but
I got the imagery of a pig rooting its snout through slop.  ^_^;

(Uh, that's a comment about Ryoga, not Nabiki.)

	Comfortable and still reveling in the sensations, Nabiki dozed
off briefly, visions of herself and Ryouga running naked through her
mind.

punc:  Comfortable, and

[...]

	Ranma happened to being laying across the sitting room to trip
Ryouga up as Nabiki pursued him relentlessly through the house.
Together they fell in a heap and began to move against each other.

punc:  trip Ryouga up, as

[...]

	Ryouga's head fell over, his unseeing eyes staring lifelessly up
at her and his jaw hanging loosely open. His skin was pale white, and
growing cold.

Ooh!  What you DID!  :)=

[...]

	Ryouga was lying on the floor next to her bed. She could hear him
snoring lightly. Nabiki exhaled, her breath coming in rapid gusts.
Ryouga was indeed still breathing. His chest rose and fell ponderously
in the still moonlight. Guiltily, Nabiki couldn't help but notice the
exposed wrist, still with a deep black bruise that marked the spot
where she had fed earlier.

Interesting trivia:  I have a friend training the same sort of thing
that Ryoga did.  No, not blowing up rocks; getting beaten.  After
enough training, you stop bruising.

Also, your senses don't get deadened at all.  It still hurts as bad
as it before, you can just "take it".

And now back to our regularly scheduled fic.

[...]

	*Oh man...* Ranma thought to himself, checking to make sure that
yes, Kodachi was still sleeping across the pile of luggage she had
accumulated since he had insisted that she leave the country.

suggest:  she had gathered, since
(Accumulated sounds like she just started buying it, after his insistence.)

[...]

	He glanced briefly at the other occupant of the sitting room he
had decided to sleep in. Kodachi, insisting that she didn't feel safe
alone, abandoned her bedroom, piled her luggage for the next day's trip
in one corner, and lighted upon the flat sides of the suitcases. It
defeated Ranma's purpose for refusing her offer to sleep in her bed,
but at least this way she kept all her clothes on.

Skimming through (an admittedly crappy) dictionary,
I didn't find a usage for "light upon" with your meaning.

suggest:  slept on

	Sleeping on her luggage was something she said she had learned to
do on innumerable gymnastics trips with her teammates.

	Ranma, still not quite believing he was awake, rubbed at his eyes
with his sleeve.

	"This place is gonna make me crazy," he mumbled, standing up
groggily from the chair.

BGM:  Crazy...  Crazy in love, over--
Ranma:  Hey!

[...]

	After what they had shared, the feeding seemed almost an
afterthought.

Isn't it the feeding that *makes* her horny?  Seems to me
she should have drunk first, then boinked the good doctor.

	Tofuu sat in the rocker in the corner of Kasumi's room. It had
been her mother's, but Kasumi didn't mind. In the back of her thoughts,
she knew that mother wouldn't mind either.

cap:  Mother wouldn't mind
(Here "Mother" is used as proper noun.)

	He cradled the naked vampire in his lap. As she gently nursed at
his neck, he allowed one hand to caress the body he had just so
caringly made love to.

Heh.  Caringly doesn't appear to be a word.  When I tried to get
suggestions from MS Word for alternate spellings, the top of the
list was: "carnally"  ;)

suggest:  made love with.
(A more romantic way to put it than "make love to".)

[...]

	A ray of moonlight fell across her eye. After several minutes of
groggy dreaming, she opened her eyes. Between the parted curtains, the
clouds streamed past the window as quickly as if it were storming.

That damned ray of moonlight seems to be waking up quite a few of
the sisters.  :)

Actually, I don't know if you want to make it a unifying part of the
story.  Have an introductory paragraph about the size of the moon and
the brilliance of its glow, and use it as a communal thread between
the scenes.

[...]

	Akane felt a weight twitch on her back.

	"nonononononono..." she begged to no one in particular.

Excuse me...  [steps aside and laughs maniacally]

[composes face]  Yay!  Akane's back!

[...]

	"Your fangs are stickin' out! You gettin' ready to drink my
blood? You gonna eat me alive? Huh? HUH? HUH?"

	"No, please no, Ranma..." Akane covered her mouth, feeling her
fangs pushing into the skin of her palms.

Okay, maybe I'm a sick bastard, but I like seeing Akane going through
the emotional ringer, here.  Not out of any sense of justice for
betraying Ranma, mind you.  I just like seeing the raw emotion.  >:)

	Jerking her out of her reverie, there was a click. To Akane's
ears it resounded through the house like a gunshot.

Could you clarify this as a door opening?
I was wondering where the heck Ranma came from, and I
don't think stating that it was a door spoils the surprise.

[...]

	Across the hall, she could tell that Nodoka had been making love
to her husband. There was a deep earthy smell coming from the room as
well. Akane wished she knew what it meant.

The readers are curious, as well.  :j

[...]

	It was like a siren tearing across her world. The scent was
polar. Both a man's and a woman's scent, yet somehow the same. It was
the brightest, fiery red and the darkest, earthiest green.

Gee, I wonder who that could be?  :)

More seriously, if he smells like a man and a woman, why didn't
she pick up the porcine nature of Ryoga?

[...]

	True enough, down the hallway, a certain martial artist was
raiding the hall closet. He was carefully sorting through various
shirts and pants, pulling choice items down into the floor.
	He sighed out loud at his task, but he was going be damned if he
was going to wear a school uniform... any school uniform again. Still,
it was uncomfortable being so close to where he knew his mother and...

sp:  onto the floor.
(At least, I assume you didn't mean into the floor.)

The above two paragraphs need to be spaced apart.

[...]

	"And I thought Nabiki was lying to me," Ranma admitted
accusingly. "Are you happy now? Do you have what you want now?"

suggest:  happy, now?  ... want, now?

[...]

	For perhaps the first time, Ranma noted the glint against Akane's
breast out of the corner of his eye. His eyes darted back to her.

	Her.... Her... Her...

	"Admit it, Ranma" he hissed under his breath. "They're *wings*."

	Her wings had spread slightly. She seemed to want to hide inside
them. Out in front, however, held in her hand was the present he had
given her for her birthday.

I'm a little confused here.  What's he looking at?  The wings don't
glint, but neither would Ranma stutter about the figurine.  Could
you clarify this?

	It was kinda stupid, he'd thought when he bought it. It was just
a little metal statue thing that girls usually seemed to like. He had
just picked it out because he didn't feel like shopping all day for...

suggest:  He'd thought it was kinda stupid, when he bought it.

[...]

	"I'm s-so s-orry, Ranma," Akane weeped. "Please... please don't
leave me a-a-alone... please... I-I-I'll do anything..."

sp:  wept

	Ranma's breath caught in his throat. Before he really realized
what was happening, his cheeks were coursing with tears. He knelt down,
and reached unashamedly through her wings. Akane's arms reached out...

	And the two were embracing.

This happened just a *little* too fast for me.

[...]

	"I... I can't stay here. Not here... with *HER*," he glared in
the direction of the guest room. "She's... she's poison, Akane. I've
got to beat this thing.... the raveners *and* the vampires..."

[Sailor Moon pose]  And that means: you!

	"Ranma," she continued. "Do you... did you... ever..."

[...]

	"Love me?" she whispered. "Any? At all?"

[...]

	Without a word, Ranma set his bundle down. He crossed the two
paces to Akane.

	He took her face in one hand... and pressed his lips against
hers.

I thought this was well done.  It's not a denial, but neither is
it quite an affirmation.

	She was sobbing as he broke the kiss. He couldn't look, though,
because he knew he would be trapped if he did. He couldn't stay here
again until it was finished. All of it.

[...]

	*Please, Ranma,* she willed out. *I'll show you... Please...*

This is also good, helping to make their opinions known.
Ranma *wants* to love Akane, but he *can't*.

[...]

	Ryouga's heart tried to burst. It was as if Nabiki was giving him
all the affection as a man that Akane had given P-chan, but never to
Ryouga. Crawling up to the bed, he began to weep in joy.

It tried to burst, but there wasn't enough blood pressure?  :j

[somewhat naughty bits]

	Bucking her naked sex against the rough canvas pants he wore was
enough to make his organ swell to almost tearing the canvas. Trembling
again, Ryouga reached down to slide them off, over his hips.

And now, my very first C&Ced lemon line:

suggest:  Bucking her naked sex against his rough canvas pants was
enough to make his organ swell, almost to the point of tearing free.
(Okay, my suggestion isn't too much better, but I got rid of the
wordy "pants he wore" and second instance of "canvas, and stuck a
comma in there, to help break up the long sentence.)

[...]

	*Take the guilt away,* Nabiki prayed.

[winces]  Not the most promising reason to have sex...

[...]

	"Oh, Ryouga... please... please don't ever leave me. I'll do
anything..." she whispered.

Sound like two of the Tendo sisters are getting involved in *very*
dependent relationships...

[...]

	Akane was lying naked on her bed still clutching at the figurine
Ranma had given her. There was a wet spot on her pillow, indicating
that she had probably cried herself to sleep. Her wings were folded in
behind her body.

No more sleeping on her back, I guess.  :j

[...]

	"Should I punish you?" the nameless girl asked. She let the backs
of her nails run down Akane's trembling cheek and onto her neck. "Would
that make him happy? I think that he should like to hear you scream,
don't you?"

Wait, is this part 2 of Centaur?  [shakes head]
I should have finished C&Cing that before starting this...  8)

[...]

	"I think you've been a bad girl," the nameless girl announced.
Her hand trailed down Akane's neck, to her chest. She twirled her lace
covered finger over Akane's areola, teasing the girl's nipple up. "You
*are* a bad girl! Oh, how wicked! I shall punish you for him," she
stated, gently tweaking Akane's nipple between two fingernails.

sp:  lace-covered

[...]

	The redhead smiled down. "How anyone could be mad at such cute
prey is beyond me..."

Okay, this whole scene is disturbing...

[...]

	Soun chuckled and turned slightly. Out of the corner of his eyes,
he noted the bright flash of orange as the sun began to peek over the
horizon. He smiled and rested his head in one hand, carefully avoiding
placing any pressure on the large, dark bruise just under his jaw.

A little break from the sex, more sex, and angst from the sisters and
Ranma.  But you still slip in the vampirism element.  You don't let us
forget it.  A very nice scene!

[...]

	"Ranma-san?" Sasuke asked. "Have you seen the mistress or the
young master?"

I only have the English dubs, so I don't know what honorific
Sasuke ueses.  I take it that it's not -sama?

[...]

	"Oh." Sasuke's eyes drooped. "And... you're still here?"

"...I was so hoping to finally have this place to myself."

[...]



Okay, I really liked this part.  That's probably in large part due
to the Ranma and Akane scene.  Plus, no Nodoka.  :j  This reader
thanks you for keeping that particular scene in it's own side story!
^_^;

I look forward to seeing what Ranma "changing the rules" is;  I've been
hoping for it to happen for a while.  I'm also curious about Ukyo, after
her own ravener experience.

I dunno, I just like reading about people having mental breakdowns.
Does that make me evil?

(Don't answer that.)

I'm a little upset that there was no mention of Akane in the next ep,
(she's gotten so little screen time!) but I do like the fact that
Ranma's thoughts about changing the rules includes Akane.

You've done a good job of keeping his current feelings about her
vague.  While you show some scenes with Ranma saying he want to be
with her, he *doesn't* just forgive her, and tends to include her
when talking about the raveners and Nodoka, two groups he certainly
doesn't like.

Looking forward to more.  Have fun writing!


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"