Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:

    "Wait for Ranma and Akane," Eriko said firmly.  "It's their
party."

And they'll cry if they want to!

 She stood gracefully and retrieved the chopsticks as
Michi subsided, muttering.

    Suddenly Eriko cocked her head.  "Doorbell!"  She darted for

A bit strange that the actual sound isn't mentioned. Is it one of those
high-frequency sounds that only Erikos can hear? :-)

    "So, Akane," Michi asked slyly, "is Ranma long and are you
happy?"

"Happy? Yes I am; now hand over all your undies!"

    "Wow," said Ranma hoarsely.  The four girls watched as Akane
looked over Ranma's shoulder, and they had the satisfaction of
seeing Akane's eyes widen and her jaw drop.  They knew what she
was seeing: a simple frame holding a large print of a photo taken
just after the announcer had proclaimed the winners of the match.
Akane had her clenched fists raised over her head and a look of
triumph on her soot-streaked face, the look of a winner who
hadn't been sure she'd win.  Ranma had a different look; she was

won.

    The other girls looked dubious, but Akane's face lit up.
"Ranma!  You really are smarter than you look!"  She smirked at
Ranma's rolling eyes and turned to the girls.  "Look at it this
way: Kodachi's going to be too busy fighting, scheming, and
training her team to make much mischief.  And it's a lot easier
than trying to take over."

    "Hmm."  Junko glanced at the others.  Michi gave an
enthusiastic thumbs-up.  Sachiko nodded, smiling.  Eriko looked
apprehensive, but shrugged.  "All right," Junko said.  "We'll try
it your way.  We'll need to talk to Hasegawa-sensei, and then see
if we can convince a few of the others to join us...."

Some very nice character bits in this scene, but IMO it was WAY too
heavy on recapping, and worse yet the recaps came before the important
new plot development (the starting of the new team). Suggest trying to
pare the recaps down to essentials and perhaps put the plan to start the
new team earlier in the scene if that's workable.

    ~~~~~

    Already seated at her desk, Kodachi directed a predatory
smile at Akane when Akane walked into their homeroom the next

Suggest doing something to avoid the repetition here... such as 'at
Akane when she walked' (you already told us that Kodachi was seated, so
should be obvious to whom 'she' refers) Or perhaps drop the 'at Akane'
and change 'directed' to another word.

morning.  It lasted just long enough for Kodachi to notice Ranma
coming in behind her, looking no different than she did on any
other morning.  Akane and Ranma took their seats next to each
other and conferred for a moment, ignoring Kodachi, then
straightened as Kogara-sensei rapped on her large desk at the
front of the room.

    "Good morning, class.  I have a few announcements before we
begin today...."

"First of all, Ranma is really a male. That's right, a male. Now, today
for lunch we have...."

    "Rats."  Junko changed course.  She found her way to a
sheltered courtyard where a few watery rays of late-winter
sunshine were making the stone benches almost comfortable.  Ranma
and Akane were there, eating from bento that appeared to be
prepared with more enthusiasm than skill.  Michi, Sachiko, and
Eriko had already finished lunch and were throwing their
chopsticks back and forth.

    "Any luck?" Michi asked, catching Eriko's throw and throwing
the sticks back.

Three throws in a row... Suggest you thr-- er, toss in a synonym or two
instead.

    Akane stood up and reached down to help Hasegawa up.  "Well
done," the coach said, breathing heavily.  She turned to let
Akane unwind the ribbon wrapping her.  "Particularly the, er,
coup de grace.  Unless you'd like to try one more point, I'm
willing to let it go at a draw."

    "As you wish, Sensei," Akane said, and immediately knew
she'd scored another sort of point.

Heh. Nice.

    "I'm afraid I miscalculated slightly," Kodachi admitted.  "I
must remember to put more sleeping powder and less paralysis
powder in the blend next time; I fear it may have had, er,
unfortunate effects."  She gestured ruefully to the fabric
covering Ranma's private parts, which were apparently as limp as
the rest of him.

And good thing, too....

    "Clothes," she muttered, drawing her precious cloth tighter
around her.  She found a door marked "Wardrobe" and opened it.
"Clothes!" she cried happily, rummaging.  She rummaged some more.
"Oh... crap."

He he he! You just *knew* something had to go wrong....

    "If it's anyone's fault, it's our fault.  We know darn well
what Kodachi does to opposing teams.  We should have realized
that she'd think of us as an opposing team and take us out before

Suggest 'think of us as one and'

    Ranma passed tauntingly close by, and Yuriko struck at her
with her clubs.  Ranma parried with the ball held behind her
head.  Yuriko pursued, dimly aware that her attacks and
recoveries were actually forming a counterpoint to Ranma's ball
dance as she followed the elusive girl in a contracting spiral.

Uh oh.... Hiryu Shoten Ha time!

    Ranma and Akane stared at each other.  In unison, they
exclaimed, "Furinkan!"

Urp... just pictured Kuno-sempai fighting them in a leotard. Breakfast
coming up....

This took a little while to get going, but once it did it was excellent.
A great read. Hoping to see more of it soon!