LunaHNeko@AOL.COM wrote:

Nihao!  This isn't my fan-fic, but instead it's by my very good IRL friend 
Sayuri-chan Akane, and this is her first fan-fic, so be nice!

Aren't I always? :-)

 She's really 
looking for some C&C, and I asked permission to upload to the FFML (which she 
is currently not a part of), so here it is!  Her e-mail address is 
Akane18@furinkanhigh.com (or you can reply to me & I'll forward it to her).  
Arigato gozaimasu!  I copied and pasted this thing directly from her website 
(but I don't like giving out my real name, that's why the [Luna Hinomura] 
thing is there.

Whatever you say, Sh-- er, I mean Luna. ^_^

Anyway, down to business. Technically, this is pretty well done. The
only problem I noticed was a few badly-wrapped lines. You know,
this
sort of thing.

I can't really comment much on the story at this point, not knowing
where it's going. I do have one suggestion, namely that you avoid using
stock scenes. A lot of writers seem to feel that it's not a Ranma 1/2
fic unless it shows Genma and Ranma sparring, Ranma and Akane arguing,
etc. People think that such scenes are "original flavor," whereas in
actuality, Takahashi-sama generally didn't use such scenes unless they
related to the plot in some way. And opening with overused bits tends to
make the readers expect that your fic is going to be the same old same
old. So my advice would be to either cut the opening scenes up 'til the
*real* story starts (Akane receiving the box), or try to relate the
scenes to the story somehow (like Genma and Ranma almost accidentally
running down the delivery guy during their fight.)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html