At 09:58 AM 7/23/99 -0400, Daniel Hanneld wrote:
Jeanne;
While I like the premise and find the story very well written, I do
have a few problems with it. For the most part, your charecterizations
are good, though Sylia, for some reason, seems to ring a little hollow.
Not being a big fan of Crash! and only having seen it a few times, perhaps
I am simply relying tomuch on the characters I remember from the Crisis
series. Please do not take the tone of this as an insult, or as overly
harsh. I fear my style of C&C can be a bit brisk, and I mean no offense.
as one who seems to be known for having a "brisk" style of C+C, all I can
say is let'er rip! :)
Notes:
Leon: He seems way to furious at being assigned to the N-Police. he
originally came from there, and has worked with them in the past. You
have him jumping a little overboard (in my opinion) at being assigned
there without giving a good reason for it.
A good note. I don't like Leon, and I have trouble writing him. (you should
have seen the earlier version of that scene ^_^) I'll take another look
and see what I can do, although, from ADP anime, I do think that they (the
ADP) look down on the N-police
Nene: Very well done, though she does come off as a bit cocky, and a bit
transparent when it comes to Kusanagi.
Transparent how?
Priss: Way to calm. It almost feels like she is being groomed to become
the next Sylia, a premise I have never liked in fanfics. Perhaps it is
only personal opinion, but I never saw any possibility of Priss becoming
more like Sylia. The wedge between them is to great.
Someone once commented (in a fic) that Priss and Sylia are two sides of the
same coin, and I sort of agree. That aside....
Sylia: You have the words right, the way Sylia speaks, but the actions
seem wrong. Your Sylia seems a bit over expressive for the character I
remember. I would suggest toning down her smiles and overall emotion.
....this fic is set *after* Crash, several months after actually. And if
the Priss in Crash was much calmer (Sylia been putting something in Priss's
Bosco?), the *Sylia* in Crash is much... more normal? Crash begins with
Sylia having been away for quite awhile, and when she returns she's paying
an interest in the other's lives, laughing at them for being "silly" (and
she does call them "silly"), and all other sorts of friendly, normal-type
reactions. By the last episode of Crash, she gets all emotional during a
fight, and then when she goes away (again, for presumably a long period of
time), she's seen once more laughing with the others, and even passing time
in the airplane by pulling out a photo album of pictures of her friends and
family (yes, I know this was just to have a nice background for the closing
credits, but they didn't have to do it that way)
Still, I'll take another look at this as well and see if I am going a bit
too far with her.
Lastly, Sylia suspending Nene seems totaly out of character. As you did
mention in the story, it sounds totaly hypocritical. I can't really find
Yuri as a threat when she killed him. I believe that she would have
simply chstised Nene, telling her that she expected more from her, and
leaving it at that. Laws to Sylia, IMHO, have always been guidelines, not
absolutes. Yes, Nene killed, and yes, techincally, it was murder.
However, I seriously doubt that Sylia would condemn her for it.
While Nene hasn't necessarily broken any rules, she didn't follow Sylia's
orders with regards to Kusanagi (although, if pressed, Nene might have a
small amount of wiggle room. a *very* small amount of wiggle room). And, as
Sylia (tried) to explain, Nene's put the KS in a very bad position as well.
Basically, she's went rogue on them, and did something much worse than
anything Priss, the resident loose cannon, ever did. Sylia thinks she went
too far, and some sort of punishment is in order.
Thanks very much for your comments :)
Jeanne Hedge
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