David Tai wrote:

Introduction to the latest and last of the Vertigo Fates Trilogy, 
following in the steps of Dire Fates and Mortal Fates...

Ah.  The Tim Hunter one.  I've been looking forward to this one.

                    Rod M. & David Tai
                       Meddling Fates
                            Foreword


Imagine if you will a skinny, somewhat reclusive,

Needs commas bracketing "if you will."

bespectacled British boy, age approximately 15.
His home, a small, modest apartment.  His only family,
his father, a one-armed man who sat in front of the 

Sits, if you're keeping the present tense.

television all day.  His mother, passed away long ago.

No comma here.

Now, believe if you can, that this boy was destined

Commas around "if you can," again.  I'm not sure that this direct
address of the audience by the narration works for me.

to become the next great Magus.  Given a brief
lesson of the history of Magic by four of the most
powerful Magic practitioners of his time (The Phantom 

Does Magic really need to be capitalized everywhere?  IIRC, it wasn't,
in your earlier stories, and it sounds a bit pretentious.

Stranger, John Constantine, Dr. Occult, and the dangerous
Mister E), the boy was given a choice: to follow
the path of Magic, or to live the life of the Normal.

Same with Normal.

He chose Magic.

Soon after that, trouble came looking for him.
It came in many forms.  There was Titania, Queen
of Faerie, who for some odd reason claimed
Tim was her son.  They didn't get along very well.
There was Titania's former servant, Tam Lin the 
Falconer.  A man who could turn himself into a falcon.

Make this one sentence.

He claimed to be Tim's real father.  There was Cupid

Were.

and Psyche, who crossed paths with Tim when trying

While trying, or when they'd tried.

to spread the gospel of Love in the Nineties.

And then there was a Tim Hunter from an alternate
future, arriving in the boy's time to make sure
Tim turned evil.

Not a bad capsule summary, for those readers who are unfamiliar with
Tim.  I can't help thinking it's a bit too involved, though.  Is all
of this really necessary to know going into the fic?

His love life wasn't any simpler.

There was Molly, an odd, energetic Irish girl that 

Who.

became Tim's girlfriend.  Soon after they met, she
ended up in Hell.  It wasn't as bad as it sounded.
Tim went after her, and they had their first kiss.

In Hell.

I don't think this should be a separate paragraph.  It's too cutesy.

And then there was the time Tim liberated a succubus

Lots of repetition on the "there was" and "and then there was" here.
It sounds odd.

But the Magic was always there.  It called to him,
it beckoned it... it seduced him.

It beckoned him.  Or it beckoned, it..., if that's what you meant.

Until he lost focus of everything but Magic.

Lost sight of.  You can lose focus, but I don't think you can lose
focus "of" something.

Even Molly.

Especially Molly. ^_^;

Leah returned, briefly, to remind Tim that he wasn't 

Oops.  Then doesn't he know at least a little about what had happened
to her?  You'd said above that he didn't.

(I seem to have missed that issue.  Typical.)

rid of the Magic at all.  It would always be a part
of him, no matter what anyone tried.

And now, powerless and yet told he was not, Tim was left
wondering....

Keiichi Morisato can be considered one lucky guy.

He's got a live-in Goddess living with him.  Even after many 

Where else would a live-in goddess live?  Redundant.

struggles, he has the love of Belldandy, one of the Three Norn 

The "even after many struggles" part of this doesn't quite sound right
to me.  If he'd expected not to...

Sisters.

Of course, dealing with the love of Belldandy means dealing with 
HER sisters.

Why is "her" capitalized here?  It doesn't need emphasis.

Poor sucker.

Skuld, Belldandy's younger sister, is smart, and generally a pest 
about it.  Her inventions can be spectacularly explosive (as in, 
brilliant, but just a bit... clumsy.)  However, Keiichi could live with

Can.

that.

Urd, Belldandy's oldest sister, on the other hand, is just a bit more 
of a

This second-last paragraph has odd line-wrapping, as seen above.

problem.  She fancies herself the Goddess of Love.  And her 
encouragement
of Keiichi and Belldandy's relationship can often be a biiiiiiig
hinderance.

It'd be just terrible, terrible, if Urd were unleashed on the world,
instead of staying with Keiichi, now, wouldn't it?

Oh, that's evil. ^_^;

I think this would work better in past tense, but that's just one of
my biases.  In any case, I'm looking forward to reading it.  Nice
introduction.  Since there's no actual plot yet, I don't have much
else to say, but the characters are presented quickly and accurately.


Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa