Hi,
My comments:##
My wife, the English teacher:%%
ALL comments In My Opinion (IMO). Take what you find
to be useful, discard the rest.
BTW: This is a rough fanfic and difficult to read. BUT
it has SOME FUNNY LOL parts. Potential to be a REALLY
funny fanfic. Please revise. ^_^
And remember, if anyone blasts you,
It's the Negaverse. Luna says so. ^_^
( I love that part. Poor Luna.)
Reply-to:
Tifa_Love@hotmail.com
From:
"Agent: Kasumi Tendou"
<tifa_love@hotmail.com> | Block address
To:
ayonge@yahoo.com
Subject:
Re: [FFML] [C&C][Fic][Ranma/SM]
Date:
Sat, 17 Jul 1999 16:48:37 GMT
Ok, hears a copy of my fic. Tell me some of the things
I did wrong/or
needs
work on. Thank you.
A Sailor Moon And Ranma Fic
By agent: kasumi tendou
Intro
A peaceful day in Nerima; no one bothered to
seek
unholy revenge on anyone and mainly Ryoga was out of
the
country at the moment, also no one tried to kidnap
Akane,
and Happousai wasn't being chased by girls, yet. Well
there was one thing that wasn't to peaceful, and that
is... Ranma insulting Akane's cooking. [If you feel
confused any way, I said and I quote, "A peaceful day
in
NERIMA," end quote, not in the Tendou Dojo]
##OK, cute start. However, the structure is very
confusing and run on.
I'm the last person to talk about grammar and
spelling. I leave that
to my wife the English teacher. ^_^
%% Yes, the comma splice (comma after moment) makes
the structure somewhat awkward. BTW, a comma splice is
a comma placed where a period should go. The best way
to fix that is just to end the sentence at "moment."
Also avoid shifting verb tenses (". . . there was one
thing that wasn't so peaceful, and that is . . ."
Notice the shift from past to present.
So Akane
and her infamous mallet beat the crap out of Ranma.
Don't
forget the famous quote from the lovely Akane "RANMA
NO
BAKA," anyway, he was sent flying out. Well, then he
landed on the street, god knows where. Then he was
##Cute. IMO this fanfiction looks like a Monty Python
skit in the making.
Lots of slapstick and commentary from an omniscient
Point of View (POV).
%% another comma splice after "BAKA."
trampled by hordes of screaming mad ladies, chasing
after Happousai. He was repeatedly saying "I'VE GOT
SILK!
I'VE GOT VICTORIA'S SECRET! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!"
##Cute line.
This would all be much better if tightened up. Not
quite so wordy. You have some very funny stuff that is
separated by too much filler. Chop out every thing
that doesn't move the story or add to the humor and it
will be much better.
%% Now who is saying this, Ranma or Happousai? Make
sure this is clear to your reader.
Then soon after saying that Ranma gained consciousness
ran
after Happousai, and pushed Happousai over the ledge
that
he was running on, with Ranma saying with a smart
remark
"Yeah, and if you jump, I jump after you." then
Happousai
jumped out of the water, with a bucket of water and
says,
"So you can grab me with open arms and breasts!"
##Cute^_^
IMO let the ACTION move the story. SHOW, don't tell.
Example:
I ] Ranma struggled to his feet. (This SHOWS Ranma
regaining consciousness.)
II ] Ranma struggled to his feet and lurched after
Happosai. (OK, now we REALLY know Ranma's hurt.)
III ]Staggering to his feet Ranma stumbled after
Happosai, clasping a hand to his bleeding head.
(Yet another way to:
1) show Ranma has been hurt AND
2) get him on his way after the dastardly (I love
using that word) Happosai. ^_^ )
%% The sentence starting with "Then" and ending with
"breasts" is much too long. See if you can break it
up. I found that I had to read it several times to
get the meaning.
And then
%% who?
was kicked into orbit by a pissed off Ranma-Chan.
"That
damn hentai! I swear he's possessed by some demon, but
then again he's just always like this!"
%%OK, this is a well-constructed quote.
She cheered up, and yelled something obscene about the
old man and
something else.
%% Let your audience know what this "something else"
is, or don't mention it. Otherwise it opens a "can of
worms", and it leaves your reader frustrated.
Not noticing the crowd of women... with
the weapons, and other stuff,
%%Again, what's the "other stuff"? If it simply
serves as a space filler, then leave it out.
they just looking at him.
She looks back, and sees the women who face-faulted
%%very awkward diction. I know the term "face-fault"
in anime, but here it doesn't work.
by what she said and her transformation. "What?"
%%OK, you have two quotes here. Who is saying what?
"Hey! THAT...PERSON! KNOWS THE OLD PERVERT! GET'M!"
Only thing
Ranma said was "Uh oh..." THEN THEY beat the crap out
%% "of"? OK, scroll to the end and I'll make a sort of
broad evaluation of the whole thing.
Ranma, which then he is Sent SOMEWHERE ELSE [Or in
other
words, this a Ranma beat-feast. well not exactly,
because
I haven't written any parts that states that Mousse OR
Gosunkugi beat the stuffings out of Ranma... yet.
Tee-hee.]
##Again, looks like the start of a real spoof. If
you're going to go over the top----go CRAZY^_^ have
fun with it. You've made a couple of good starts. Some
funny stuff.
"That'll show that person that men aren't like women!"
A
lady said. "That's what you get for sending a man to
do a
woman's job." Another said
None of the women laugh, they
just looked at the girl stupid looks. So... does
anyone
want to go listen to the Indigo Girls" Another said
"Yeah." They all said.
"Ok, then we can go to the Lilith fair."
"Cool." They all said.
<House of Tsukino>
'Twas the day of school, and all through the
streets,
Usagi was still stirring in her bed; While Mamoru was
dancing
with her in her head.
##<G> cute. I like this use of �Twas a Night Before
Christmas. You had a GOOD start. At this point, IMO,
you should have continued and finished the poem.
Example:
Instead of ". . .a right jolly old elf" you could have
used something like
" . . .a well dressed male sidekick." (I know, it
doesn't scan. But you get the idea) Good idea, you
just didn't continue it. :(
Luna finally yelled out to her, which
woke her up and the dance had stopped. As we can see
into the
sky, Ranma is flying high, in the sky. Then Usagi runs
around
her house to get everything squared away so she has
everything
for school, singing a wonderful fast paced tune called
"Buddy
Holly" by Weezer. But I'm not gonna say how good she
did,
though.
Usagi screams as she sees Ranma crashing
through her
room. Luna just looks as she also sees Ranma crashing
through
Usagi's room. Luna was shocked and said what she
always says
when something bizarre happens to them, "The
Negaverse." to
that, Usagi payed no attention to what she said.
##<BG> poor Luna. Eventually it will just HAVE to be
from the Negaverse. Eventually. Maybe.
"My GOD! WHAT WAS THAT?" Usagi yelled, still startled
from
what happened. Ryoga then punches the wall leaving a
hole in
the wall. "Where's the Tendou Dojo?" He asked, but
this time
Usagi didn't answer, because she was surrounded by a
blue ki.
She was pissed, if you couldn't tell. Usagi then
yelled out
"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY HOUSE! WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO
SAY FOR YOURSELF?" Only thing that Ryoga could say was
"Umm...
sorry?" "WRONG ANWSER!" Usagi then takes a baseball
bat and
swings at Ryoga. He is then sent flying out of her
house. She
then realizes what she just did. "How did I do that?"
she asked
to herself. With that question asked, the author
appears out of
nowhere,
"So, you don't know why and how you did that?" Usagi
shook her head, then the authors' replies cheerfully
"WELL, it
all starts when your in a crossover with Ranma 1/2;
basically
you have all this unknown power that I decide to put
in for
the hell of it, and besides think of how weak you were
before,
I mean- AAACCCKKKK!" She is then sent flying out of
Usagi's
Room and lands right next to Ryoga. "Hey there," She
says.
##<VBG> LOL
I liked this.
"Baseball bat." "Ouch." She says, both still on the
ground. A
little pause, until, "Do you by any chance know where
the
Tendou Dojo is?" she replies "Think so, want me to
come with
you?" "Sure, I don't mind." So on they went asking
many
questions on the way. "By any chance could you tell me
your
name?" Ryoga said.
"... Uh it's, uh... OH! Steph." She replied
"Sort of Gaijin" He said putting his hand in the back
of his
head of course it is, I was born in America." Steph
said.
"I've been there before," He said.
"Really?" She said with an exciting look on her face.
"It all started..."
So they're on their way.
It had taken a while to get her house to its almost
original condition but she did it. She looked at the
time,
to find it 3:30, she was way late. So what was the
point of
going to school at a bizarre time when she could just
stay
here call Ami ask what the homework is and do it. She
was
thinking that until she forgotten the person or thing
that
crashed through her room, it landed at the cool floor
of the
basement. So she went to check it out.
<Basement>
Ranma-Chan was knocked out for a long time. Though she
was
passed out she could still think. /W-what happened to
me?
Hello? Is there anybody out there? Oh no! No one can
here me!
I'm DEAD! B-but I never told Akane how I felt about
her. And
I DIED AS A GIRL! / Usagi checked Ranma's pulse. She
was alive.
"Better get some cold water to wake her up," as she
was about
to get some, she hears the door bell and someone
calling out
to her by saying "Usako." She realized who it is. She
jumped
up and yelled out "Mamo-chan!"
Luna is then hiding in the shadows looking evil and
says "IT
IS the Negaverse! OH! A chew toy!" She moves out of
the
shadows to grab the little mouse chew toy.
<Tendou Dojo>
Akane was angry and worried about where Ranma
was. She
was worried for the fact that Ranma had not called or
came
back... or maybe he was kidnap.. Or maybe not... Ranma
can
fend for himself, it was Akane who was always
kidnapped. She
then realized that this is how Ranma mostly thinks
about
whenever Akane is out for a while. She slapped her
self to
that. "Ow. Damn author..." she said to herself. She
loved the
boy, she really did, but unfortunately her parents and
her
actions before thinking always took over whenever she
thought
Ranma was always responsible for anything that ever
happened
in her life that wasn't right. Although it never
looked like
it, Akane was actually optimistic... when she's not
mad. But
if only Ranma didn't insult Akane or her cooking and
for once
try it again, his reaction would change toward her
cooking.
She had been improving, just yesterday she made a
sandwich
that actually tasted like a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich!
Because it was, not some toxic-look alike that the
government
would love to get their hands on./Then his approach to
me
would change when we kiss and get married and have
lots of
ki-/ "Wait! What am I thinking? I'm thinking like
Shampoo.
those Ranma fantasies that she always has when she
thinks
that her corny love spells will actually work... well
a
couple have, but that's besides the point.. Maybe I
should
actually talk him when everyone's gone or not
bothering us
OR kidnapping me. Maybe that'll work. Maybe."
She sighs as she goes back to breaking bricks.
<Someplace that looks ominous>
As we see on a television screen, a war is
film on,
most likely a documentary on Normandy Beach in 1940's
best
known as D-Day. Camera zooms out to see a very dark
room and
then a little TV glow shining a pair of red and black
eyes,
and looking very angry. "I'll get her for what she did
to my
wife... Time for a little unholy revenge. I'll get you
Sailor
Moon and your little Sailor Brats too, But not right
now. Not
until I have a terrific plan that'll destroy them
completely
and finish what my wife had started.. My Beryl. God I
love
this movie." Then a little flashes on his face to see
what he
really looks like.. sort of like a vampire with the
fangs and
mysterious red and black eyes. Wearing a black trench
coat and
black pants that match his wavy short black hair. "Now
time for
the plan. I'm gonna need the strongest man/men
lady/ladies
first..." he sighs and continues watching the movie
<House of Tsukino>
Ranma, still unconscious is poured with cold
water. "No
good" Mamoru says as he puts the cup down "Mamo-chan,
can you
get a cup of hot water, please?" he smiles "Of course,
anything
for my Odango." He gives her a little kiss on the
cheek Luna
interrupted there little romantic session "Oh, get a
room you
two." She said coldly. So Mamoru then goes upstairs
get some hot
water.
<Ucchans>
A normal business day at Ucchans, People came
by ate and
payed. /Something's missing? I wonder what? / Ukyo
just stared
outside still thinking "Oh Wait!" She blurts out.
"Ranchan didn't
come by." Of all the questions in the universe this
was the most
important one to be answered/That baka/ "Wait a
minute, What if...
what if he went over to the Nekohanten?" she thinks
and grows
angry, but before she can do anything with her spatula
the harsh
word of 'Reality' popped up in front of her, "Tsubasa,
get out of
my face!" "Sorry..." he went along with what he was
doing before
he reared his head up at Ukyo. "WAIT! Ranchan maybe a
dumb, but
he ain't that dumb." Ukyo then closed for a lunch
break (at 4:30,
too.) and headed to the Tendou Dojo.
<Nekohanten>
Shampoo being as skimpy as ever gives everyone their
ramen
noticing that Ukyo is headed to the Tendou home. /I
wonder
why Spatula Girl is heading over to the Tendou home?
AIYAA!
Maybe it's a secret wedding.. I better go and destroy
it. But
first, I have to find a way to get Mousses attention
off of
looking at me.. I wish he would stop, he's got that
weird look
on his face, the same one when I told Mousse that
Ko-chan and I
are friends. Maybe she's here?! She'll be of good
help!/ "SHAMPOO!
STOP POURING THE RAMEN ON THE COSTUMER!" Cologne said
"Aiyaa! Mr.
Man ok?" "Hot.. hot.." he passes out.
"Nicely done, my Amazon friend! HOHOHOHOHO!" A person
said.
"KO-CHAN!" Shampoo said gleefully.
"What's wrong my fine kitty friend?" She said with a
questionably
look. "Well, Spatula girl is headed to Violent Girl
and Shampoo
worried, becuase Obsessive boy looking at me with
killing look
and..." "Hold on a sec," Kodachi interrupts as she
pulls out a
little piece of paper that has everyones ones name
with their
nickname on one side that Shampoo calls them.
Unfortunately
Ranma lucked out, he was the only in the list that
doesn't have
a nickname. "Ok, so Akane is the Violent Girl, Ukyo is
Spatula
Girl.. uh.. Shampoo, Which one of the obsessive boys
are you
talking about, Kuno or Mousse." "Mousse." "'Kay,
continue,"
"Shampoo think a wedding is happening." "Of who?"
"Take good
guess." "Cripers! We should do something!" Kodachi
pondered on
what to do. "Do you think that we should do what we
always do?"
"No, lets try sleeping powder, and an entrance saying.
I saw show
that have two people trying to get a mousse. They
funny looking
but I like their entrance, lets have one!" Shampoo
said with
excitment. Kodachi thought of that for a minute also
until
a little bug zapper caught a bug, and thus gives out
the idea
of the century, "BY GEORGE, I think I've got one!"
Shampoo
smile turned wide as she listened carefully to the
little
entrance that'll make the Academy Awards would kill
for.
<House of Tsukino>
"And now for the hot water," Mamoru said as he was
about
to pour it on Onna-Ranma's head. "Wait, it's not
burning
hot, now is it?" Usagi asked making sure it wouldn't
leave
a burn mark on Ranma's face. "No, I made sure it
wasn't
burning." "Water can't burn silly!" Usagi said, Mamoru
face
faulted "Sometimes your smarts even impress me." He
said
jokingly. "Just pour the water, you can insult me
later once
this is done for." Then Mamoru starts to pour on her..
I mean
him. Ranma Starts to feel a little consciousness
/Something
seems different. uh oh... hopefully Akane's the one
who
poured the water../ What those two saw, wasn't meant
to be
seen by people who don't know Ranma that much....
End of Chapter one.
%% You tend to write in a sort of
stream-of-consciousness style. That is, whatever
comes to mind is what comes out on paper. There are
authors who employ this type of style, but it is
extremely difficult to pull off�even for advanced
writers�mainly because you know what you intend to
say, but your audience isn't inside of your head. You
must explain things that you already know and may take
for granted that others know. I would also say watch
spelling errors, comma splices, and general rules of
grammar. They are important, because a story that is
peppered with errors has the same effect on a person
that several mustard stains on one's shirt would have.
It is very hard to concentrate on the story if all
you can see is "mustard stains". The way to improve
your writing is to keep doing it. Good luck in your
writing. With practice you can eliminate some of
these errors.
##HI!!!
OK, I've got to admit that the first time I saw this I
passed it by because the structure was so convoluted.
And I was wrong. There is a LOT of room for
improvement. But there are some VERY funny spots. LOL
stuff. BUT, as my wife the English teacher pointed
out, there is room for improvement. MY biggest
complaint is that the really funny stuff is broken up
by lots of filler. To back through and RE-WRITE. Fix
the run-on sentences, etc. Tighten up the writing, get
rid of the filler material. IMO this has got the
potential to be a VERY funny spoof. I liked the author
popping into the story. It was off the wall and
spontaneous. AND I didn't expect it. (Don't overdo it
though.) And I liked Usagi swatting Ryouga out of her
house. (A natural reaction. ) I LOVED poor Luna once
again blaming the Negaverse. (Great potential for a
running gag here) All and all IMO this has potential.
Try a re-write. If you wish I'll be glad to look at
the next revision.
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