Hmm.  That was strange... I don't know why it didn't show up right
last time.  Oh, well.  Sorry about that.

Here's what didn't show up last time:



    Excellent! More Ranma the Godking!  I always get a kick out of
this.

    Gotta make some comments this time.  I'm a military history and
weapons technology buff, and your battle scene of the planetary
assault can definitely use work.


Shade wrote:

Private Bet #10 Chapter III


~~~~~~~~
2a: The perfect end to a perfect day
~~~~~~~~
-From the Journal of Erin Tarn

It has been many weeks since last I heard of
my dear friend and I fear that the worst has befallen
him. My contacts among the dimensional travelers
have informed me that he has apparently vanished
without a trace and is now the subject of one of the
largest manhunts the Megaverse has ever seen. It
seems that my friend has finally bitten off more
then he can chew this time.

    "finally" and "this time" probably shouldn't be used in the same
sentence.  It sounds weird.  I'd suggest:
"This time, it seems my friend bit off more than he could chew."

It seems strange to feel so strongly about him when
he spent such a short time with myself and my
companions.

    Grammar: "... with me and my companions."
One trick to figuring out the right pronoun to use is by breaking the
sentence up into its component thoughts.  You'd say " he spent such a
short time with me" and "... a short time with my companions", if they
were different sentences.  Saying "he spent such a short time with
myself" isn't very good grammar.

Yet there is an intangible quality to
that young man that seems to draw others to him
like moths to a flame. Ranma possesses a refreshing
zest for life that remains undampened despite the
worst that Fates seems to keep throwing at him.

    "... despite the worst Fate throws at him." Or, "... despite the
worst the Fates throw at him."

I first encountered the poor boy during that little
mishap with a dimensional rift that landed me in the
strange world known as Wormwood. Such an idealistic
lad he was, brash and yet possessing an innate sense of
honesty and a code of honor that I found quite charming,
as did the other females in my party. Yet Ranma also quickly
proved his mettle as a formidable fighter when he helped us
to fend off one of the Horde�s raiding parties. By all rights
any normal human should have been dead many times over after
sustaining the amount of blaster fire he did. Yet, amazingly
enough he came out of the fight with nary a scratch, though
his rainment wasn�t nearly as fortunate.

    You seem to have a thing for the word "yet" in this paragraph.
    Spelling: "raiment", not "rainment".  Also, "clothing" would be
just as effective, unless the character is pretentious.

Saotome soon became a welcome addition to our traveling
party and escorted us through some rather nasty territory.

    "Escorted"?  How about "accompanied"?  If these are proud
warriors, then "escorted" has a connotation that would be insulting to
them; it implies that they couldn't take care of themselves.

Suffice to say within a week we finally managed to reach one
of the world�s free cities and regretfully parted ways. He was
our very own knight errant right out of the tales of old, minus
the shining armor. Ah, if I were only thirty years younger....

    Three dots in the ellipse.

    <g>.  He IS a knight in shining armor; he just wears it on the
inside most of the time!  ^_^

There was little hope of ever seeing him again, though I did invite
him to visit me in the city of Lazlo if ever he should happen to
journey there. As luck would have it, he did go to Lazlo during
the Mechanoid crisis, though I wasn�t present at the time and only
learned of his appearance through second hand accounts.

    "... although I wasn't present..."

Something changed between us after that, though I do not think
he meant to distance himself he did so nonetheless. There was a
new sadness in his eyes after the fighting was over, but he hid it
so well that of the surviving heroes of the campaign only myself
and the mysterious Katrina Sun noticed it. Then one night, during
one of the many parties being held to celebrate our victory, he
simply vanished. Though everyone searched the town he was
nowhere to be found, I knew then that he had gone back to where
he was most needed.

    I'd suggest: "... I knew then that, once more, he'd moved on to
where he was most needed."

It would be nearly two years before I saw Ranma again....
~~~~~~~~
-Ristmoth, 9 hours into the attack

After hard fighting that had claimed many lives
on both sides, the way was finally clear. Alliance
Battleships had established a solid perimeter for
the vessels carrying their valuable ground troops
to pass through. The occasional flash and cloud of
superheated dust on the planet�s surface arose from
the continuing suppression of strategic planetary defenses
and military bases. Careful precision was necessary for
the orbital bombardment, the civilian population was
already in uprising against their former masters and
the fleet had no wish to hit friendly forces.

    "Careful precision was necessary for the orbital bombardment,
because the civilian population had risen up against their former
masters and the fleet had no wish to hit friendly forces."

The Untamed Stallion, along with her escorting squadron
of fighters was joined by several other older corvettes
and half a dozen Assault Frigates along with their capital
space patrols to form a protective screen for
the convoy of slow and quite battered barges.

    Run-on sentence!  I'd suggest:
"The Untamed Stallion and her fighter squadron was joined by several
older corvettes and half a dozen Assault Frigates, along with their
combat space patrols, to form a protective screen for the convoy of
slow and battered assault barges."

The transports were an old design and had been
mothballed ages ago by the Empire. But now they
pressed back into service by a Rebellion that
desperately needed every functioning ship it
could get.

    "The transports were obsolete and had been mothballed ages ago by
the Empire. But now they'd been pressed back into service by a
Rebellion that desperately needed every functioning ship it could
get."

The anti-fighter defenses on the Untamed Stallion were
the best in the fleet, her fellow corvettes also mounted
impressive deterrents as well.

    "... and her fellow corvettes..."
    "Deterrents" isn't a good word for an active battle group.
They're well past the deterrent stage!  I'd suggest:
"The anti fighter armament of the Untamed Stallion was the best in the
fleet, and her fellow corvettes also mounted impressive point defense
batteries."

If by some chance they
ran into something larger then just fighters that�s where
the frigates would come in.

    "... than just fighters, that's where the frigates..."

The Rebel cruisers Vigilant and Liberty quickly moved
into position to pound the previously concealed launchers
into fine grade powder. That just left the cruise missiles
heading toward the fleet�s transports as the only visible
remaining threat for the escorts to deal with.

    Major point:  Cruise missiles are jet powered and have wings.
They fly like an airplane.  They are incapable of flying in space,
because except for the booster that launches them, they are not rocket
propelled.  Once they've launched and they've deployed their wings,
then they drop the rocket pack and the jet takes over.

    They aren't particularly fast, as jets go.  They are a long range
weapon, so speed was sacrificed for endurance.  They fly low and
depend on their small size to avoid interception.

    I'd suggest dropping all "cruise missile" references and just
calling the weapons "anti ship missiles" instead.  That's generic
enough for you to define them any way you like.

Sophisticated ECM disabled a few before they
ever reached space, in an ironic twist sending the
missiles back toward the base that had launched
them.

    That's a trick that only works with radar or radio guided
weapons.  Are these preprogrammed like a cruise missile, laser guided,
or self guiding?  If so, then they couldn't be taken over that way.
If they depend on ground tracking, heat signatures, or radio/radar
guidance, then they can be spoofed like that.

The faster escort fighters came within range
of the deadly swarm first, taking their toll on the
evasive smart bombs with energy cannons and rail
guns. But there were simply too many of the missiles
and not enough fighters, despite their best efforts at
least half of them got through. There was no time for a
second pass, even as the pilots turned the massive rockets
altered their heading to keep them out of range as
they continued to close on the helpless transports.

    You should define about how many missiles were launched.  Later
on, you say that 10 remain when the WS spoofs them, which isn't very
many when you've got CAP and the ultrahigh tech equivalent of an Aegis
system taking them on.  Why would 10 worry them?  Are they low on ammo
at this point, from shooting down hundreds of the things?

Then the corvettes began launching countering volleys
of their own, going for multiple fratricide. More explosions
briefly lit the darkness of space, yet the remaining warheads
still headed relentlessly toward their targets. Now was the most
dangerous time as the escorts were forced into close range in order
for their guns to come into play. Cruise missiles could cross the
short
distances quickly enough that there wouldn�t be enough time
for an unlucky vessel in its way to even think of evading. With
few exceptions the ships of the convoy could not hope to survive
a direct hit from even one of those gigantic warheads. It was a
grueling trial of the crews� nerves and the gunners� accuracy, there

was almost no margin for error and casualties started mounting
almost
immediately.

    "It was a grueling trial of the crews' nerves and the gunners'
accuracy, and there was no margin for error.  Casualties started
mounting almost immediately."

Onboard the Untamed Stallion Commander Ayla was
a shouting orders to the rest of the ship, her draconic
nature evident despite being shapeshifted into a human
in the sheer force behind her commands.

    "On board the Untamed Stallion, Commander Ayla..."

�Activate the Defense Grid and prep point defense.
You know the drill ladies, aim straight and shoot fast!�

    Excuse me?  They've been shooting these things down for several
minutes already, and they're only NOW raising their defenses?  That's
silly.  Those orders would have been given as soon as the launch was
detected.

A score of enemy missiles died in the ensuing storm
of point defense lasers, particle beams, plasma bursts,
and hyper-velocity duranium rail-gun rounds. But more
were still coming, the Assault Frigate Spirit nearly joined
the first unfortunate escort in oblivion as its weak point defense
was overwhelmed by over half a dozen of the guided
warheads. The first missile was destroyed as was the
second, but the third and fourth ones got through and
inflicted a savage punishment on her faltering shields.

    "The first and second missiles were destroyed, but the third and
fourth got through..."

�Copy Commander, reconfiguring ECM now.�

    That's "Copy, Commander.  Reconfiguring ECM now."  She's not
copying the Commander.

The communications officer took a moment to whisper
a short prayer in her native tongue. Setting seven meant
that they would register to the missile guidence systems
as a group of three Alliance Starcruisers. In theory
the command protocols of the warheads should override
control and change the target priority to the more enticing
false readings. Of course if this worked then that would
leave the Untamed Stallion with ten really big and very
nasty smart bombs with anti-matter payloads aimed at it.

    "Smart bombs" is another term to avoid.  Bombs are free falling
weapons, not self-propelled like missiles.  Guidance on smart bombs
doesn't change the fact that they really only go in one direction:
down.  It just gives you control of which azimuth they go down
towards.

{What is it?}

[Her psychic energy level is nowhere
even near a normal human�s. In fact I�m
pretty sure she�s not even a mortal.]

This wasn�t as bad as the malfunctioning
thermal detonator or the fairy ring incident,
but it came close.

{What?! Are you telling me she�s some kind of godling?!!}

    There are a lot of not-mortal critters running in the
neighborhoods he's used to.  Why would he assume she's a godling?  Why
not Draconic, Fey, or any of the crew he runs with?

[Bingo. This is looking less and less like that quiet
vacation you kept promising. On the bright side I
haven�t been this entertained in centuries!]

Ranma winced as the sword burst into telepathic
laughter. With Ishtar as his partner he never had to worry
about his ego getting too inflated, she was always there to
cut him down to size.

    Heh.  He should be grateful that's just a figurative term!  ^_^

He did his best to arrange her more comfortably on
the ground before turning toward the nearest of the
strangely dressed girls, which turned out to be Sailor Jupiter.
She eeped in surprise at how fast he moved and took an
involuntary step back. Ranma�s action was also misinterpreted
rather badly by a certain thickheaded masked crusader of justice.

    Why would he be moving fast?  That's not good bedside manners.
He'd be trying to appear reassuring (or at least as reassuring as
possible for a giant, faceless suit of armor).

*Thwack*

Something hit Ranma in the back. It turned out to
be a fancy walking cane and had about as much effect on
his Cosmic Armor as a M-60 machine gun on full automatic,
which is to say absolutely none.

    Not a very good analogy.  I'd suggest something like: "... about
as much effect on his Cosmic Armor as a fly swatter would have."

Once again the Rune weapon�s healing ability went to work.
Almost immediately Jupiter breathed easier as the pinching
soreness eased around her midsection.

    Strange.  Around my midsection ISN'T where I keep my ribs, bruised
or not.  I tend to leave them up in my chest area.  Is the Senshi
transformation more than skin deep?

�Hey you! Quit ignoring me!!�

    "Hey, you!..."

�Huh? You�re still here? And still dressed like that?!�

That was the last straw, an outraged Tuxedo Kamen
threw a wild punch toward the armored form that
seemed to just keep on mocking him.

    "That was the last straw.  An enraged..."

A moment later he was nursing severely bruised
knuckles and doing his best not to scream from
the pain. That action would be filed under the
heading of *things you now know not to do*.

    Is that line supposed to be a running joke?  You keep using it,
but not often enough to make it obvious that it's a gag.  Personally,
I think it loses its impact if you use it too much.

�Knock it off, you�re only hurting yourself Tux-boy.�

    "... you're only hurting yourself, Tux Boy.

~~~~~~~
-Furinkan High

Akane Tendo was angry. While this was
not a unusual state for her to be in, the cause of
her irritable state today was. Ranma Saotome this,
Ranma Saotome that, she was getting sick of hearing
his name on the lips of what seemed to be every student
on campus. Even the boys were talking about him, though
they were only concerned about a.) finding a way to
beat him by tomorrow morning or b.) find a way to
become his buddies and benefit from it with the girls.
The only exception to this was the Furinkan Martial
Arts Club, they wanted to recruit Ranma so that they
could finally trash Gravitron, Tomebiki, Juuban, and
all the other rival schools.

    spelling: Graviton, Tomobiki

    Also, Graviton is not a suburb of Tokyo, so they probably wouldn't
compete regularly with Furinken.  Graviton City was built in the
crater that formed when C-ko's space capsule crashed on Earth.  It's a
seaport, and not that close to any other major cities.  I don't know
what the town was that was wiped out in the process...

What was worse, they�d all turned to her for more
information about him since Nabiki tended to charge
too much. Akane had enjoyed being the most popular
person in school and though she�d never admit it,
being upstaged like that had hit both her vanity and
pride rather hard. Consequently any residual attraction
she might have felt toward Ranma was now buried under
a flood of outrage and annoyance at being practically
forgotten by the entire school.

    "Residual attraction"?  I'd suggest "initial attraction".

~~~~~~~
-Juuban

Ranma glanced up at the rapidly darkening sky with
some concern, he could sense that the building storm
wasn�t entirely natural in origin.

    "... sky with some concern.  He could sense..."  Or, "... sky with
some concern; he could..."

Something or someone possessing as much potential
psychic energy as all these girls combined was close by.
The Cosmoknight had a feeling that it wouldn�t be a good
idea to stay and find out. He tended to trust his feelings,
another bit of wisdom from an old friend and teacher.

{Time to go.}

    Huh?  He's a knight, a protector of the innocent, etc. etc. and
he's walking away from Sasami and Skuld, who are essentially
defenseless, because he senses major trouble coming?  That is SO
out-of-character, the way you've written him so far!

Ranma was congratulating himself for his cleverness on having
avoided a potentially sticky situation as he quietly walked
away. Then a sultry voice stopped him in his tracks and
brought the others� attention back to him.

�Hold it right there buster.�

    "Hold it right there, buster."

~~~~~~~
-Tomebiki High

Somehow a television had been smuggled into
class. A certain Shuutaro Mendo might have
had something to do with that, but there was no
proof that could be traced back to him.

    Are you kidding?  Lum probably had a 21" stereo monitor with
satellite reception stuffed in her bikini top!  God knows she carries
everything else there.  Talk about stuff space!




--
 Ja ne,
 LarryF

 http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58
 ICQ #: 42081372