Subject: RE: [ffml][fanfic][Ranma 1/2] Your Average Girl
From: "Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com>
Date: 7/6/1999, 10:38 AM
To: "'Reed Sekiya'" <rsekiya@HOTMAIL.COM>
CC: "'ffml@fanfic.com'" <ffml@fanfic.com>

I liked this.  I think you could make it even better if you
put a little more effort into it:
   1)  Kensuke is still pretty much a non-entity.  Consider
a scene with him alone, possibly waiting for Nabiki.  What
does he do?  What does he think about?
   2)  Give Nabiki an additional unexpected trait, such as
a common interest in something with Kensuke (literature?
some cult television series?  a baseball team?  a band?)

Also, while mostly well-written (good spelling and grammar),
you use "your" for "you're" and "their" for "they're":

your some kind of big business person on campus."

	"I guess their just hopeless."


And, while your focus certainly wasn't on Akane, you didn't
_need_ to handle her in such a stock way:


	"With that baka!  No way!"

It would have been nice to see Akane react just a bit less
commonly:  a blushing, stammering denial of interest, rather
than an angry one?  A timid admission of interest, combined
with a fatalistic conviction that no date, or no calm date,
is possible?