Took me a while to get to this one, it being so friggin' huge and all.
:) On the good side, this was a well-structured and well=paced story.
Ranma and Akane were well-handled and believable.

It's a good story, but on the other hand, there's a lot of room for
improvement. The main thing I didn't like was the villain. The story
tries to paint him as realistic but he's really more of a Speed Racer
bad guy. Either make him less cliched and give him a more realistic
plan, or go the other direction and make him someone like Happy who
obviously isn't *supposed* to be realistic.

I also had problems with some of the supporting characters. Ukyo is just
kinda superfluous in the beginning, and then announces that she's been
through changes (but we don't get to see the changes in progress). And
what happened to Happy and Cologne just wasn't believable to me at all.
(Let's not start up the guns and martial artists debate here, folks. I
mean the way in which it was shown *here* wasn't believable.) You could
probably cut H&C out of the fic completely; it's not clear to me why
they're there at all, unless they have some history with ye baddie that
we don't know about.


Kyle Emmerson <kyle_emmerson@geocities.com> wrote:

	Nabiki: The money I owe you, you can find under the
	thirteenth floorboard in the Dojo. The one with the
	black scuff-mark on it.

	Akane: I'm sorry we couldn't work it out. I wish you
	the best of luck in the future years.

	Sincerely,
			  Ranma Saotome...

Good opening. Gets the main conflict in the story going right away and
inspires curiosity.

	Akane nodded. "I'll ask her." The truth was, even
though the rivalry between her and Ukyou was now on a
more solid foundation, she was being such a good friend

suggest 'she had been such a'

	"Ukyou, I'm going to find him." She said.

him," she

	"Yuka and Sayuri are waiting for us at your
restaurant. I hope you don't mind, but I decided to use
it as our 'base of operations'.

operations.'"

	"How do you... Well... Why do you suppose he.. Uh...
Left?"

'Uh' and 'left' shouldn't be capitalized.

	"Know about what?" Daisuke asked, sitting in the
	chair inside of the 
restaurant.

wrapping error.

	"What was that?" She asked.

she (no caps)

	"What..." She began. "What will we do once... If we

she (no caps)

And so on throughout. When you explicitly say that someone said a line,
the 'said' clause is still part of the same sentence.

	Hiroshi shrugged. "About four days. We were there
because Hiroshi's aunt was being released, and she
wanted our help in getting her out of the hospital.

Need an ending quote mark.

	Ukyou smiled. "We're together on this, girlfriend."

Urp. Urban slang usage just seems wrong for her.

	"Father-in-law." They both stated. After a confused
look from the Nurse, she nodded.

Nurse shouldn't be capitalized; it's not a name.

	"Not yet. It's to be expected. With those kinds of

expected with those

	Alright then. I'll be back in ten minutes. And then
she was off.

Her dialog here needs quotes around it.

	As she walked into the train and took a seat, she
sighed. The train offered some protection, she knew the
exact schedules of the guards.

Run-on sentence.

	Thirty seconds were up. She looked to the front of
the car. It opened on schedule, and the guard came
through and checked each persons ticket. After that was

person's

done with, he went into the next car. It would be five

Suggest taking out 'with.'

	Akane acted fast and ran over to the sink in the
corner of the room. She picked up a small cup that had
been placed there, and filled it with hot water, she
then splashed it at Genma.

Run-on.

	The nurse tried her best to maintain her sanity, and
thus, succeeded, for the moment. "He... He was beat

beaten

	A few minutes later, Akane had finished giving all
the information she knew on Genma Saotome, and all
changes had been made, including changing the name on
the patient chart. The bill was going to the Tendo's.

Tendos.

	She walked up the side of the semi-busy Tokyo street
carrying two papers bags filled with Fast food take-out.

Fast shouldn't be capitalized.

She was finding it difficult to maintain a good grip on
the bags, and the idea of holding the heat in her arms
didn't seem to attractive. She continued her walk.

too

	She had taken a tad longer than she thought she

than she had thought

	"At least the fries survived." She bent over to pick
them up, but was interrupted by the running form of
Akane, running out of the hospital lobby, and chase

chasing

	He should have been paying closer attention. He
should have realized the fact that if someone had found

Suggest taking out "the fact" (cumbersome and serves no purpose)

	Nabiki shook her head at the two bags of fast food
which had been apparently hammered into the ground.
"What
a waste."

Wrapping error.

	Akane leaned herself against the side of the
building. The tears were flowing freely, but she was a
bit more coherent than she was moments earlier. She

than she had been moments

	Nabiki looked through the papers in her hands. Three
papers with Ranma's name on them. Two holding the
address of the Tendo's. The third was much more recent.

Tendos.

	Akane looked at her sister. She could feel the tears
starting to stream out again. She shook her head. No.
That wasn't going to happen. "I don't care anymore,
Nabiki. I could care less what that... Pervert is

Pervert shouldn't be capitalized.

	"It doesn't matter Nabiki. Let's just go home."

matter, Nabiki.

	"Damn it." Ukyou muttered to herself. She had set
out to follow Ranma, to talk to him. She had to do
something, anything but sit there in the alley, crying.
But he had lost her faster than one would have believed.

than one would have believed possible. (Or something like that. It
doesn't quite read right as written.)

	"Mazuhara wants us to test her," the second one
said.

	"Test her? You mean...?"

	The second one nodded.

"But do you think she'll fill up the bottle when I ask her to?"

	"You have been naughty, miss Tendo."

Miss (caps)

	"I must make my leave, now miss Tendo." He said as

leave now, Miss

	Akane stared at the videotape in confusion. Whatever
was going on, she hopes would be explained in the tape.
She hoped it would explain Ranma's behavior. Why, and IF
he lied to her in the alley. She also hoped it would 
explain what the man in the Limousine had to do with any

Limousine shouldn't be capitalized.

	"Ranma I think."

"Ranma, I

	"Well, lets watch it."

let's

	"They've got VCR's in hospitals."

VCRs

	The room was empty as the nurse had stated, and in
the corner of the room was a TV with a built-in vcr,
attached to the wall. Nabiki took the tape from Akane
and put it in the vcr.

VCR is an acronym, so it should be in caps.

	Ukyou bent over to examine the papers. Several
receipts boasting purchases of ramen, or fast food. One
receipt showed the purchase of a thermos, hot water
bottles. A mail-order package of waterproof soap. Ukyou
frowned. Ranma had been there. She was sure of it.

	And she was even more sure when she found the
crumpled papers. They were letters. Mostly addressed to
Akane, but she found one addressed to herself.

Isn't she curious enough to read them?

	"You are of no major concern to us, Miss Tendo. We
will allow you to live, however, I'm afraid I won't be
able to allow you to tell anyone of Ranma's
whereabouts... Not just yet, anyway."

	As the guard leaned over to her, Nabiki let out a
small whimper.

Right before she kicked him in the nuts. :)

	Akane blinked. "What?" It caught her off guard,
	which

wrapping error.

	"But World Domination?! If you even show other

World domination shouldn't be capitalized. Even if it's important, it's
not a proper name.

	"Ranma, Ranma. I thought you would be happy. Having
Akane here was the wish of the myself, who merely wished

"the myself?" Is that a typo?

	"Ranma, Akane cares for you. It took me so long to
realize it, but she does. She cares so much for you, and
believe it or not, I know you do as well."

	"You. You've been after me ever since you came to
Nerima. How... Why are you telling me to go to Akane?"

Yeah, why? This turn-around in her character is too sudden and abrupt to
be believable. You need to do some work justifying it if you want to
keep it.

	They did. But not before Ukyou slipped into the
second car. The armed man bangs his hands against the

banged

	The chill came unexpectantly. The chill she always
got when something wasn't right. It had happened the
moment the train stopped, but after seeing noone enter
her car as it pulled away from the station, she tried to
ease.

Peter Noone entered her car? Something tells me he's into something
good! (Should be 'no one')

	"Lucky Shot." She taunted.

'Shot' shouldn't be capitalized.

	"I will not be ordered around by a common thug." She
smirked at him. "Besides, you're about Seventy years too

Seventy shouldn't be capitalized.

	"Now Child, I assume it is not by mere coincidence

"Now, child, I

	"Nay, Child. I simply assumed. Why else would a
crazed gangster with a gun be chasing after you, unless
because of my 
son-in-law?"

Wrap error.

	"It's hard to explain. You, me and Happosai are the

You, Happosai, and I are

only ones they don't consider threats."

	Cologne nodded. "Understandable. However, Child, you

child (no caps)

	"Nay, Child. They will be looking for you as well.

Same here.

	"No buts, Child. Tell me what I should know, and

and here. Cologne's calling her *a* child, not saying that that's her
name.

	Ukyou began to speak again, but from the adamant
look on Colognes face, she caved. She then told her all

Cologne's.

	He placed his hand on the mans shoulder.

man's

	The man blinked. "How do I know your not going to

you're

	"Look, there's this guy. His name is Mesaki
	Mazuhara.
At least, that's what he says his name is. He's got my

Wrap error.
	

	"Ikanisa Manufacturing is a heavy donator for some

donor

	"He'll kill her if he so much as senses something
out of place. I've spent the last month with him. He may
not be skilled, but he's smart. And ruthless."

	"So what do you suggest we do?"
	
	Ranma smiled. "There's one thing he doesn't yet know
about me."

Um... they've kept Ranma under surveilance long enough to know who his
friends are, but don't know about his curse?

	Unnoticed by Masato, the old man on the bed
	twitched.

Extra tabspace.
	

	"I don't want to waste any time, either Masato.

time either, Masato.

	Akane looked over at the new arrival of the room.
Her sister sit in a chair opposite her, next to the man

sat

	Masato blinked. "Your sister... Clever, Saotome."
	
	"You know what's even more clever?"
	
	"What's that?"
	
	Ranma brought himself into a defensive stance. "I
don't even have a sister."

So why is he giving it away now?

	He got up. "So, it seems you have other talents as
well, eh Saotome?"

eh, Saotome?"

	"Utterly dreadful." Cologne muttered to herself. If
she saw the guards of the village treating their duties
this lightly, she would have to treat them to a lesson
of Jusenkyo.

Suggest 'a lesson at Jusenkyo.'

	Damn them.
	
	Damn them all.

"DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" Yes, Mazuhara *IS* Charlton Heston! :)

	The Moko Takabisha would be deflected. Probably
cause alot more pain.

a lot

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html