I'm still here, and no- I'm definitely NOT dead. I'm just incommunicado.

Long at last, here's the slightly revised version of the fic I posted 
six months ago. I know it's been overdue, but I never got around to 
revising it, and wrote a couple other fanfics instead.
C&C will be greatly appreciated.

---

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Shadows of Despair and Hope

By Dark Alpha, formerly Sailor Alpha
<AlphSailor@aol.com>



The Voice in my head screamed for someone to place blame upon. To 
accuse, to punish. Someone had to be blamed for my miserable life of 
despair and sadness.

There was no point in holding it back any longer. Already, the raw power 
I had harnessed was threatening to burst forth from me unless I released 
it. Nearby, small debris rose, floating in midair, due to its positive 
electrical attraction to my negative energy. I HAD to release it...

"Shi..."

But why should I? I had lost everything. My dignity, my manhood, my 
revenge, my pride, my love, and finally my honor. All I had left was the 
Art. Which was essentially worth nothing. I had nothing left to live 
for. Releasing my depression prematurely would only prolong my miserable 
excuse for a life.

My life already had been miserable before I even met Ranma. My accursed 
inability to follow directions or find places, which others had jokingly 
called the "Hibiki Curse," gnawed away at my sanity. I had inherited the 
curse from my parents who had the same problem, and because of this, I 
rarely ever got to meet my parents or reached my home.

And I had nobody to blame, so the Voice screamed on.

Then Ranma appeared. He was the one who took everything I had. First it 
was my dignity, when he stole bread from me in the "bread-feud" and 
humiliated me in front of everybody. Once I could tolerate, but not 
repeated attempts. I became furious and challenged him to a duel.

Bah, he was a coward! Ranma ran out on our duel, after waiting three 
days past the set date of the duel. Because of my curse, I had walked 
all over the country trying to find the lot just behind my house, where 
we had agreed to fight, only to find out on the fourth day, that the lot 
was deserted and that Ranma had fled. 

The Voice screamed Ranma to be blamed upon, so I pursed Ranma all the 
way to China, and eventually Jusenkyo. There, I lost my manhood when 
Ranma, after being cursed with a girl's body, knocked me into a cursed 
pool. When I rose out of the water, I was no longer a human but a beast. 
A pig's body! The fact that hot water easily restored my manhood was 
only a temporary respite since cold water easily undid the cure. Within 
few days I had developed a phobia of water.

The name 'P-Chan' my beloved Akane had given to my cursed form only 
aggravated my loss of humanity. No man should be given a such degrading 
name!

Revenge was the next thing Ranma took away from me and trivialized. I 
couldn't believe the gall the boy had, to call me a 'friend' after what 
he had done to me. I wouldn't even call him that. An ally, perhaps but 
not a friend.

After all, if he was really my friend, he wouldn't have taken Akane away 
from me. My first love- he took her away from me. He didn't deserve her. 
Ranma always insulted her and made fun of her. Yet Akane loved him- 
there was no doubt about that. How?! How could have Akane fallen in love 
with that selfish, arrogant bastard?! And Ranma even flaunted it at me, 
grinning all the time!

Next thing to go was my pride, as Ranma's continued bickering and 
teasing wore away at me, the way he called me "P-Chan," his voice full 
of mocking and sneering. If I was no longer a man, but half-man, half-
animal, then how could I be a whole being? Because of my nature as P-
Chan, rejected my love and my friendship. When I had realized what I had 
truly done, impersonating as Akane's pet and intruding on her privacy, I 
had no honor. I had abused Ranma's honor to keep my curse hidden from 
even Akane.

The only thing I had left was the Art, which was now worth nothing to 
me. I had been so obsessed in my pursuit of Ranma that I had forgotten 
why I had learned Arts in the first place. I had wanted to humiliate 
him, to have him begging and groveling for mercy that Ranma did not 
deserve.

But Ranma had always managed to outsmart me and snatched victory from a 
certain defeat by my hands. Every time I came up with a new technique to 
defeat Ranma, he eventually countered them. Every time Ranma fell, he 
always rose to his feet and pressed on. I always lost to him in the end. 
I did not realize until too late that I was being dragged into Ranma's 
shadow. 

Shampoo. Cologne. Happosai. Ukyo. Herb. Ryu. Kima. Saffron. They all had 
risen to challenge Ranma, to either take him down or manipulate him to 
their own means. They were undeniably powerful and cunning. They should 
have overcome Ranma easily, but they did not. He always came out as the 
victor in the end. Each time he won, he became stronger, and pulled me 
deeper into his shadow until there was no way for me to escape. 

Bakusai Tenketsu had proven effective in destroying rocks and inanimate 
objects. I thought it would help me defeat Ranma at last, but it only 
dug a deeper pit for me. The Shi Shi Hokodan sealed my fate.

"Shi Shi..."

Shi Shi Hokodan was a tool of destruction, fueled by feelings of despair 
and sadness. Something that was never lacking inside me. It was the 
meaning of my self-destruction.

The Voice in my head began screaming again to blame someone. I would 
have cursed Ranma to hell if it would have made me feel better. Except 
that this time, long at last, I finally had realized who had been 
responsible for my misery. I hung my head in shame.

I had been blinded by my own obsession and revenge; I had destroyed any 
chance of happiness I had. Despite repeated warnings, I let my life slip 
away until I had nothing left. I had twisted Art to my own use, 
perverted it. I was worse than Happosai. I had ignored the true meaning 
of it, and I paid for the folly with my life. I had been cast into 
damnation by the very heavens above. I had been doomed to a life full of 
misery and grief.

I didn't deserve either Akane or Akari. Akari Urynu, I know you love me, 
but I'm sorry. You don't deserve me, a person who pursed after his two 
loves like Tatewaki.

The Voice grew louder.

"Shi Shi Hokodan."

It was barely a whisper, but it was more than enough as raw energy 
erupted upwards, immolating the imminent area around me. Energy of pure 
despair and grief raged upwards, converting into chi and struggling to 
escape the gravitational pull of the planet to no avail. Gathering into 
an enormous orb many times the normal diameter of my usual perfect Shi 
Shi Hokodan, it began to descend.

I stared at my magnificent creation and knew it had finally happened. 
Pride swelled inside me at my creation. An emotion, and at that moment I 
realized what I had done. To survive the impact, I had to be devoid of 
emotion, and pride was an emotion. I was no longer invulnerable.

I knew that this time, I would not survive the impact. I did not care, 
because I had nothing to live for. I dimly heard shouts of a girl, and a 
boy who transformed into female form whenever water splashed him, 
running towards me, shouting for me to stop.

A tear streaked across my face as I whispered sadly, "Forgive me, 
Ranma... Akane."

"And... goodbye..."

I closed my eyes, excepting bright warmth to overcome my body. It came, 
but not in a form I had expected, of Mokou Takabisha. I was startled as 
the energized chi full of confidence blew me clear from the spot I had 
occupied just moments before my Shi Shi Hokodan struck.

The Shi Shi Hokodan attack flattened and immolated nearly everything 
around me, but I was surprised that I was still alive. Still alive to 
wallow around in my misery and sadness. 

As I struggled to rise, the girl and boy I had heard earlier came my 
aid, and pain struck my heart as I immediately recognized them. Ranma 
and Akane. My greatest enemy and my first love who had spurned me.

I shut my eyes and shouted at them to leave me alone, to let me die. I 
did not hear them talking to me, instead I heard my Voice. 'Blame Ranma. 
Blame Akane. Blame them both for saving your life.' Why did Ranma have 
to save my life when he could have removed the thorn from his side by 
allowing me to die? Oh Kami, why can't I be spared this final 
humiliation, final pain?

I felt arms around my body, and I tried to break free when I realized 
that Akane was trying to hug me. I tried to break free, but her arms 
tightened and in my weakened condition I couldn't break free. Tears 
began to fall down my face. Akane, why are you doing this? Can't you see 
that I don't want your pity, your love? I don't deserve to live after 
what I did to you and your lover? Your pain will end if you just left 
me...

"Leave me, please..." I whimpered.

Akane slapped my face. It was far more merciful than I had deserved, but 
it was enough to rouse me out of my state. Their words began to make 
sense and it finally dawned on me that they wanted to help me. If I 
would allow them.

No, I couldn't let them help me because I did not deserve their offer. 
They had tried to guide me into the right direction, but I rebuked their 
every effort. Why should they give me another chance when I had turned 
all of their previous attempts? Why should I accept this one? I asked 
them these questions.

Ranma shook his head and grinned, but there was no malice in his smile 
or his words. I heard his words, "You're my friend, Ryoga, and I wanna 
help you." With that, he extended his hand towards me.

I blinked in surprise. Ranma was actually offering his friendship and 
help despite what I had done to him. I had frequently threatened to kill 
him, and had nearly succeeded on several occasions, yet he was willing 
to help me anyway. I shook my head in confusion, trying to ignore the 
screaming Voice, and glanced at Akane. Instead of the hatred I had 
expected on her face, I saw genuine concern and encouragement. She 
understood my unasked question on my face and nodded her head.

She wanted to help me, but more importantly, she wanted me to accept 
Ranma's offer.

Should I accept the hand of my sworn enemy, and his friendship? After 
what I've done to him, and him to me? I didn't deserve to be Ranma's 
friend. No, I was already worse than Happosai, lower than the scums that 
dwelled among the darkness  of the night, the lowest living being in the 
existence.

But I could see Ranma's true intentions in his eyes. No, from a guy with 
the worst poker face on the planet, I could see the genuine offer of 
friendship and beginnings of forgiveness from him. I feel so ashamed to 
receive a... gift from Ranma, but...

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to quell the Voice in my head so I 
could think clearly for a moment. Ah, damn my thoughts! I decided to 
follow my heart and opened my eyes to glance at my sworn enemy. I raised 
my arm in preparation to strike, to push Ranma and Akane away from me...

And grasped the extended hand firmly.

Perhaps, just perhaps I have finally found my light.


---

Notes:

Due to Ryoga's nature, I sympathize with him a lot, especially with his 
inability to have a normal life, due to his obsession over revenge 
against Ranma and his problems having a girlfriend, as well as finding 
places. In a way, I'm like him (except that I don't get lost that 
easily). ^_^
Even a guy like him deserve a second chance, especially since he rarely 
has enjoyed his life. All that "PREPARE TO DIE, RANMA!!" motto isn't 
exactly a life, you know...
May he find happiness in his life, whether it's with Akari, Akane, Ukyo, 
or whoever he chooses to live with.

Ranma 1/2 and its associated characters belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, and 
I do not own them. I am only writing this fanfic for fun and for 
readers.

Thanks to Vince Seifert and Kayu-chan, the only ones who provided C&C. 
Thanks!
December 28
Revised- June 2


Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics at http://www.gehirn.com

---

For those who were curious, here's the original ending that I had nearly 
posted to FFML. At the last minute, I cancelled the post, deciding that 
the ending wasn't appropriate, as well as that I wanted more upbeat 
ending than a senseless one. It also felt incomplete in a way, so I 
revised it.

Alternate ending:


I stared at my magnificent creation and knew it had finally happened. 
This time, I would not survive the impact. I did not care, because I had 
nothing to live for. I dimly heard shouts of a girl, and a boy who 
occasionally reverted to female form whenever water splashed him, 
running towards me, shouting for me to stop.

A tear streaked across my face as I whispered sadly, "Forgive me, 
Ranma... Akane."

"And... goodbye..."

A large portion of Nerima vanished completely when the ball of raw 
energy crashed into the ground, and exploded.

And mercifully, the Voice in my head was silenced.