Hi!  Well, here's the beginning of my newest fan-fic: a crossover of
Tenchi-Muyo! and Ah! Megami-sama!.  Very interesting. . .
	I would appreciate any constructive C&C, but please send it to
ffml@fanfic.com and send a carbon copy to me.  In fact, one of the reasons I
joined this mailing list was *for* C&C, but I'm pretty much not getting any.

Ask and so shall ye receive.  Sometimes, anyway.

C&C below.  Snippage throughout.
Jokes may particularly obscure or a little bit ecchi, tonight.

	ANYway, Tenchi-Muyo! and Ah! Megami-sama! are (c) someone else and
anything pertaining to them (i.e., the anime, the manga, the characters, the
storyline) is also (c) someone else!

peeve:   Please give credit where credit is due:

Tenchi-Muyo! (c) AIC * Pioneer LDC, Inc.
Oh My Goddess! (c) by Kousuke Fujishima, Kodansha, TBS and KSS Films.

	<Example> indicates a thought.
	*Example* indicates an accented word.

peeve:  don't include keys.  Make the meaning of the symbols obvious
from the context, or don't use symbols at all.

Ah! Megami-sama Muyo!
(Ah! No Need For My Goddess!)

Does "Muyo" mean "No Need for", or is that only in the
context of "Tenchi-Muyo"?  Or does it just mean "Up"?  ;)

Me:  Ah!  Goddess This End!
Urd:  [whack!]

~ Chapter 1: the Goddess of Kindness ~

suggest:  remove the squiggles
cap:  The

	Jeez.  Why do I always get stuck doing this?  I hate answering other
people's messages.

See, evidence right here that you don't need that key up top.  Here
you have a thought that is completely understandable AS a thought
without the brackets.

	"Yeah, ok, I'll tell my grandpa," I said into the phone.  The person
on the other side thanked me, and hung up.

cap:  OK
suggest:  I'll tell grandpa," I said to the person on the phone.  He/She
thanked me and hung up.

	It's not as if he (that is to say, my grandpa) didn't have a phone of
his own in that shrine of his.  The Masaki Shrine.  My grandpa is the one who
founded it.  He just liked to play jokes on my dad and I.  That's why he told

cap:  Dad
(Dad is a proper noun -- the name of a *specific* person, place or thing;
capitalize it, here, and everywhere else!)

gram: play jokes on my Dad and me.
(You don't use "I" if it's at the end of a sentence; you use it when it's
the subject.  In *this* sentence "he" is the subject and "me" is one of the
objects)

everyone our phone number instead of his.  And now, look. . .  My dad's (who

gram: My Dad

I'd suggest deleting the spaces between the ellipsis.
It looks weird.

happens to be an architect) is sitting in his office designing houses on a
weekend, and I'm stuck at home doing nothing.  Nothing but answering the
phone and getting no calls for myself.

There are quite a few parenthetical remarks in this sentence.  I'd try to
work them into the sentences, proper.

	Not like I'd want to, anyway.  My dad's always harping about me
getting a girlfriend, and I think he wants one for himself.  He's what I'd

suggest:  although I think

call the complete opposite of a 'lady killer.'  Yeesh.  I'd rather he
remember what Mom was like and forget about new love interests.  She died

punc:  was like, and

[...]

	"Hello!  You have reached the Goddess Technical Helpline," a feminine
voice answered.

suggest:  female voice
or: woman's voice
(A man's voice can sound feminine.)

Goddess:  "My name's Aoi Futaba, God(dess) of Crossdressers."
Tenchi:  "Noooo!  I don't want YOU with me forever... [wail]"

[...]

	"Konbawa," a woman said, coming out of the mirror attached to the
wall behind me.  "What is your desire?"

peeve:  avoid arbitrary use of Japanese words.  If all the English
words are really Japanese, does that mean the Japanese words are
supposed to represent English?

Also, it's the only Japanese word in the story, so it sticks out.

	I screamed and backed away.  What the heck was going on?  How could a
woman come out of the mirror?  For all my efforts at escaping, I crashed into
a bunch of stuff in our den and hindered my quick exit.

suggest:  come out of a mirror?

You might want to clarify the last sentence.  Did he hinder his exit by
crashing into the stuff and getting stunned, or was it a pile that fell
and blocked his way?

	"Hello?  Oh, dear," the woman said.  She had pink eyes and really
pretty blue hair that looked like it was very soft, and lots of bangs.  Her

What is it about her blue hair that made it "really pretty"?  And what,
prey tell, are "lots of bangs"?

hair was really long, too, and tied in two pigtails.  I thought her pink eyes
looked kinda strange, but what made them look even weirder was the fact that
she had pink irises and dark pink pupils.  "Are you all right?"

techincal point:  Her hair is in ponytails, not pigtails; pigtails are braided.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks her eyes are just a little bit
eerie!  ^_^

	I tried answering her to put her at ease, because she looked worried
about me.  Unfortunately, all I could say was "W-wh-whaaaa. . . . . ."

This sentence sounds awkward.  Try reversing the order.  "She looked worried...
so I tried answering her..."

	"Forgive me for not introducing myself.  I am the Goddess of
Kindness."
	"G-g-g-g-goddess?" I managed to utter.  I pushed myself up and sat
down at the coffee table.

suggest:  stutter.
(Hey, he's stuttering, right?  :)

	"Yes, my name is Tsunami.  Here's my card," she said, pushing a
business card across to me.  "We specialize in helping people with problems,
like you.  I am here because we received a system access request from you by
telephone."

Tenchi:  Help people with problems?
B.A. Baracus:  That's what the Goddess said, fool!

	"H-help me?  Uh, like how?"  A goddess with a business card?  Yeah,
right!

cap:  Goddess
(I think.  You have a lot of lowercase-goddesses in this fic.)

	"By granting you a wish.  However, I must warn you that you may only
receive one wish."

gram:  you will only

Tenchi:  I MAY only receive one wish?
Tsunami:  Yes, please fill out this form and return it to Publisher's
          Clearinghelm.

	"A wish?  For anything at all?!"
	"Yes, of course.  If you want to be a billionaire, we'll take care of
it.  In fact, if you wanted to destroy the world, we could do that too.
However, we prefer to avoid doing business with that sort of customer.
Usually, the demons talk to those folk.  But I'm digressing -- go ahead, ask
for something you like."

I would delete the part about the demons.  I don't think it's accurate in the
Oh My Goddess universe, and it suggests that the world should already be
destroyed (if the demons are granting the wishes).

	Wow.  Was I dreaming?  I'll bet anything that this was a joke set up
by my dad and grandpa.  Yeah, that had to be it -- they were so upset since I
couldn't get a girlfriend that they sent this beautiful woman into my room.

Good guess!  :)  This ties in nicely with Yosho's previously noted
prediliction to humor.

And as for the mirror, they must have drilled a hole in our wall and then
replaced it when I wasn't looking.

Tsunami:  Big hole?
Tenchi:  Small hips.
Tsunami:  [whack!]

	"Why do you believe this is a joke?  I'm quite serious, this is not."

Delete "this is not," or change it to "it isn't"

	"Whoa!  How'd you know what I was. . . ?"
	"As a goddess, I'm incapable of lying.  Besides, why do you say you
never have good fortune with women?"

SCREECH!

Stop.

What's going on?

That sounds pretty much like a quote from the manga (or anime), but
it doesn't fit into your story!!!  He asked how she knew what he was
thinking, and she answered by saying she couldn't lie?

Huh!?!

Please don't feel the need to stick closely to the original material.
You should keep your *own* story consistent.

	"Can't you tell by just looking at me?  At this house?"

Tsunami:  I thought you picked up girls in cars.
Tenchi:  No way, houses are where it's at!  Stereo equipment, triple-insulated
         windows, wall to wall carpeting...

	"No. . ."
	"Let's stand up for a second.  And come over to the window."  She
followed me, and I gestured at the surrounding scenery.  "If you were a girl
-- uh, scratch that part.  Well, if you were a *mortal* girl, would you come

Don't start a line with an emdash.  Put it at the end of the previous line,
or wrap the last word of the previous line onto this one before the dash.

to a house built next to a shabby shrine deep in the mountains?  There's
plenty of girls, all right. . .  82-years-old, that is.  Nothing but wrinkly,
dried-up old mummies."
	". . ." she said.

suggest that you delete the "she said"

[...]

	<Heh. . .  Just as I thought.  It's all a joke.>  "Crazy wish, huh?"
I said aloud.  "I knew this was all some big hoax."  I turned around.  "Even
if you were really a goddess, I bet you couldn't grant that wish."

suggest:  really were

[...]

	"Hang on!" I called, then dove in to catch her.  Ouch.  Her eyes were
closed, so I guess she must have fainted when all the stuff had happened.
	"Uhhhh. . ." she moaned, waking up.  "May I use your phone?"

suggest:  A word other than moaned, really.  ^_^
The above lines sound awfully lemony...

Tenchi:  What, now you want *phone* sex, too?
Tsunami:  [whack!]

	"Huh?  Sure, go ahead. . ."
	She dialed at a rapid pace.  "Hello, this is Tsunami. . .  Yes, I

suggest:  dialed rapidly.

[...]

	"No, actually, I'm happy to report that the wish you made has been
accepted into the system.  Once a wish has been filed and archived, it
acquires tremendous force.  Nobody can resist it."

Again, you're sticking too close to the orignal.  Why did she say that
nobody can resist it?  He didn't say she should take it back, or that
she couldn't stay.

[...]

	"I'm afraid not, and I've already explained to you why.  I have very
little power compared to your wish, but my power is very strong, anyway.

No, she didn't explain why.  And the second sentence is confusing.  The
first part suggests she has little power, the second part suggests she
has lots.

[...]

	"Uh, yeah, well, that's great. . ." I mumbled.  "But you see, there's
a problem.  My dad and grandpa probably won't like you being here.  I don't
know what their policy on bringing women into to the house is."

This is inconsistent with your previous description of them *trying* to
get a girlfriend for him.  Now they don't want one in the house?

[...]

	"Shh!  Be quiet!" I said, shutting the door.  "Just . . . hide, or
something.  He'll freak out when he sees an older woman in the house."  I
left the door open to a slit so I could keep a lookout for him.
	"Older woman?  I can fix that."  I felt a breeze of wind in the room,
and I knew my windows were closed.
	"What?  Where did that wind come--" I said, turning back to look at
her.
	"How do you do?  My name is Sasami," a little 8-year-old girl (who
was standing where Tsunami had been) said.

So that's where she's coming from.  Of course, I doubt Nobukuki would
"freak" at an older woman.  He'd either be exceedingly proud of his son,
or put the moves on her herself (at least as you described him).

Although I'd like to know why she didn't turn *his* age.  As it is, he
*still* won't have luck with women!  She's a girl!!!

	"Aah!"  I fell over.  "Wh-where did you come from?"
	"Hey!  Keep the noise down up there!" I heard my dad call.

punc:  down, up

[...]

	I kept my mouth shut this time.  Aw, jeez. . .  As if this wasn't bad
enough. . .  Now my dad's going to think I'm hitting on a kid almost a decade
younger than me!

And we don't want to know if that would make him proud.  ^_^;;;

	I hadn't known it at the time, but my dad had already peeped through
the other side of the small slit between the door and the door frame I'd left
open.  Later, he told me that if he was my mom, he would have barged in.

suggest:  if Mom had seen the two of us, she would have barged in.

Instead (and I quote), he 'left us alone so I could pursue my own destiny in
the arts of. . .'  Well, never mind what he'd said.

Thank you.  I'll take your advice.  8|



Okay.  Your sentences were all quite short, which made the reading very
choppy.  Try to string some of them togther into longer sentences.  Varying
the lengths and structures of sentences make it a more interesting and
enjoyable read.

I think you really stuck WAY too close to the original OMG in this, as noted
a few places above.  Do NOT feel the need to quote every line that was in
the original.  Make it your own work.

I think this could have been a lot more interesting if you played up Tenchi's
father a lot more.  Instead of worrying that his father would freak at a
woman in the house, have Tenchi worry that he wold try to *take her* from
him.  She could then turn into a little girl as a sort of protection.

This would also avoid some of the inconsistencies in your story.  You
stuck to the OMG world, where women aren't allowed in the dorm.  This is
the Tenchi world, where it's a house with a dirty old man, tyring to get
a girlfriend for his son; there should be no reason at all the throw her
out.

In all, I didn't get too much out of this.  It sounded like there could be
some interesting elements, especially Nobuyuki, but it's too much of a rehash
of OMG.  When I read an alternate universe/x-over, I want to see what's
different, not what I've already seen/read.

Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall                  "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"