Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:

Waters Under Earth

About time. We were about ready to send the wild dogs after ya....

Waters Under Earth at Transpacific Fanfiction:  
http://www.humbug.org.au/~wendigo/transp.html

You mean the page that *still* has the links to your old site?

    She was drowning.  Not in water - oh, what she would have
given now to drown in water - but in the dead.  They were
everywhere, rotting and yet horribly alive.  Bloated fingers and
bony claws grasped at her, raked savagely at her skin, dragged 
her under so that the carrion stench overwhelmed even the smoke of
the burning sky.  There seemed to be no end to the dead; each
time she tried desperately to find purchase, it was only upon the

There's irony for ya... Nabiki with all that yen but can't make a
purchase. :)

    Without really wanting to, Nabiki turned her head.  The 
world around her was simply a blur of colour now, a rolling 
rainbow sea.  All that was solid was the ledge of stone upon
which she and her sister stood, and, off in the distance, Kuno.
He has the mask on again, and was sitting on another stone ledge, 

He had

    "Too strong," Kasumi murmured, as if she had not heard 
Nabiki at all.  "Too strong for only you and I alone.  Come,

Should me you and me, I think.
 

    "Just stand up.  Take his hand, make sure he stands up to.

too.

    The man's grip tightened on his sword.  "You are not very 
good at fulfilling your promises anyway, are you Baazel?"

"Of course I'm Baazel! Who did you think I was, you cloth-eared git?"
(Missing a comma after 'you'.)

    "But Yan, all that was for your sake."  It was not her son's

"But, Yan,

    His hand dropped away, and Nodoka released the breath that
she hadn't realized until then she was holding.  Slowly she
turned around, catching only a glimpse into the horrible weight
of ages held within Yan's blue eyes before his back was to her
and he was walking away.  Yoko knelt by Soun, and Nodoka was
relieved to see that his chest slowly rose and fell.  Akari was

'to see his chest slowly rise and fall' would sound better IMO.

staring blankly into space again, with Yamiko standing almost
protectively close to her.  The hunched, winged old man the only

man was the

    "Yes..." Yoko agreed sardonically.  "Yes, he most certainly
a powerful child.

Insert an 'is' somewhere.

    Slowly, they rose.  The Guide helped Soun, who could barely
walk under his own power.  Akari had the same distant look in her
eyes that she'd carried since Ryugenzawa; it seemed as though she 
was not entirely here, as if she looked if into some more distant
place.

Hog heaven? :)

    She shook her head.  "My son..." she murmured.  It could not
end like this, not after they'd had so little time...

    "Miss, not make that one angry."  The Guide's voice was 
soft, almost infinitely compassionate.  "He very dangerous.  We
go now."

If she has a son, she's probably not a 'Miss.' :)

    The brothers were dead now.  Both of them.  And that 
meant...

    Again my power is returned to me.  
    
    He turned, unable to resist.  The voice of the dragon spoke
like his own thoughts.  Her eyes were open, aching blue.  All 
the oceans were in there, swallowing him up, him and Ranma
Saotome both, down into the sea.

I found the action in this scene kinda confusing. Maybe it's just
because I need to reread the earlier chapters to remember all the
details on the players.

    The Joketsuzoku held the pass against the onrushing tide of
foes.  Her great-granddaughter was in the centre, Ryoga and Bai
Ling at her sides, Kuang Biao flashing in her hands like a blade
of wind.  The enemy died in droves, but there were so many of 
them, they were so outnumbered...

    And then she felt Samofere die, felt his power smash down
upon her like a wave, matched by her grief.  Dead, her soul cried
out, my love, my love is dead.  

So don't join the fight or anything like that.... :)

    She was at the centre of the mass, controlling the motions
of the army by her will.  Around her, a dozen elite mages of the 
Circle provided her guard.  Yamiko had long ago been lost to the 
combat, and Ritter had not yet returned from wherever he had
taken the prisoners too.  They were outnumbered in the air, 

to. (Or you could just drop the 'too' entirely.)

    For the second time in less than a day, she wished that she
were still able to weep, but

But? Was this supposed to just end abruptly like this?

    Kuang Biao moved like lightning in her hands, feather-light,
razor-sharp, and she gave thanks again to the ones who had forged 
it, and the ones who had given it to her.  She bled from a 
half-dozen shallow wounds, and now poorly-made parry forced her

Insert 'a' after 'now.'

to one knee, and a sword-wielding thing with the head of a goat
loomed over her...

    And died, as a spear burning white-hot ripped through its
chest.  Mousse came down seemingly from nowhere, riding upon a
steed translucent as water.  He seemed nearly translucent as 
well, sunlight shining through him as he rode and killed

Okay, I guess these endings are intentional. Personally, I'd put a ....
but that's just me.

    She and her troops struck from behind, with spear and sword
and bow, killing half of the Joketsuzoku's attackers in a single

I presume you mean the ones attacking Joketsuzoku, rather that the
attackers belonging to Joketsuzoku. This confused me at first read.

    Ahead, he could hear the sounds of fighting, see the 
battling winged shapes in the air.  Rogen had organized and
readied the troops from both the married and unmarried men, but
the Musk would not move without orders from their king.  Which 
was him, now.  The pain of losing both his parents within days
was an everpresent, dull ache now.  There would be time enough to
hear the full story of his father's death after they had smashed
the invaders, but he had already been told enough to guess that
his father's hand had likely been the one to take his own life.

Well, it wouldn't be his own life if it were someone else's hand....
Suggest changing this to 'guess that his father's life had ended by his
own hand' or something else.

    They passed over the dip in the land, and saw the full 
weight of the enemy army.  Herb sucked in his gasp of awe, glad
that Kodachi - his Rose - was safe in the rearguard contingent
with the others.  A massive press of twisted creatures filled the
pass, so many that those they fought could barely be seen.  
Flights of arrows fell almost continually upon them from archers
upon the walls of the pass or flying in the air, yet it seemed
hardly to diminish them.

'it hardly seemed to diminish them' would read better, IMO.

    Against normal men, who would be frightened and distracted 
by their hideous appearances, they might have been effective 
troops.  Against the discipline of the Musk and the combined 

The use of 'they' here is a bit confusing; in the last paragraph it
referred to Herb and company, and now it shifted without warning.

    One of the women - Yoko's guards, obviously - raised her 
hand and shouted a word that was lost in the clamour of the
combat.  Darkness shrouded her fingers and shot forth in a stream
of blades.  Wiyeed threw up her hands, and the blades broke
against her shielding.  The other guards were turning now, 
raising their own hands.  Sorceresses, then; easier to learn than

Sorceresses were easier to learn? Suggest rewording that.

    "It's me, Cologne," Happosai panted.  His eyes looked into 
hers.  "Found you at last."  He blinked.  "Have you been crying?"

    "He's dead," she muttered.
    
    "Who's dead?"
    
    "No one you ever knew or cared about."
    

Well, THAT doesn't narrow it down much... :)

    From the high vantage point of the ridge, they watched the
battle, guarded by a half-dozen soldiers of the Musk.  It was
safer here than anywhere else, though still not as safe as Nabiki 
would have liked to be.  The combination of not being entirely 
sure of her own safety and having very little idea of what was
going on was not one she liked.  

Suggest "well-being" or something like that instead of "safety" to avoid
too much repetition.

    "Yes, daddy."
    

Daddy." (caps)

    "You are my daughter, and I should be able to forgive you.
But... what you did dishonours yourself and me.  I cannot."

    "Fine."
    

"But perhaps I *could* forgive you, for the right fee. How does eight
thousand yen sound?"

    Rouge kicked him.  Hard.  He flew through the air, hit the
ground, rolled, and ended up crumpled against a stalagmite with 
his body aching.  
    

Is this human Rouge, or Ashura-Rouge?

    He lowered his arms and looked.  Rouge stood as though 
frozen, and around her a vaguely human shape flickered.  Nearly
translucent, it seem composed of equal parts of fire and smoke.

seemed

Well, it was worth the long wait. :) As always, the writing was very
vivid and evocative. It seemed like sometimes clarity of action was
sacrificed in favor of atmosphere, but it may be that I'm forgetting
things I should know about the NCs from the early chapters.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html