Well, I finished Patlabor: Personal Files, Episode 08 (it's with
prereaders, now... hopefully the two people who volunteered to preread it
back in, er, even I don't remember it's been so long... anyway, I hope they
remember they volunteered to preread it and didn't see it and say 'Huh?
When did I agree to this?'), so I figured I'd go and reply to a lot of back
c&c I've recieved but neglected because I was too busy working on other
fanfics... at least this way I should be able to deal with comments on my
Patlabor fanfic without too much delay (assuming I don't get too involved
with another fanfic- like I really should, considering how far behind my
own personal deadlines I am).
What horror! With the recent reminders of how C&C has reached a
nadir in level, I noticed that my own output of C&C has virtually
ceased. Can I blame my renewed 2hr connection contract with my
ISP (compared to the original 4hrs)? Or the renewed attention
demanded from me by reality? Or even the fact that I've recently
joined a public library and thus devoured 20 or so novels in the past
fortnight? Obviously I can but the true reason is, of course, laziness.
*sweatdrop* Right... laziness...
All C&C are my opinions and suggestions only. Feel free to disregard
anything I say.
Hmm... in general, I make changes based on about 25-75% of the c&c I
recieve from the FFML (depending on what fic it is, and what sort of
comments I'm getting for it), so I'll probably disregard a few things, but
not everything.
'Where's Sanosuke when we need him?' Kaoru thought desperately. A
knife
Lost like Ryoga :)
Ya know, I've long thought Sano was one of Ryouga's ancesters...
"Goddamit, Saitoh!" Kenshin cursed- not something Kaoru usually liked
to
hear him say. "You KNOW that what happened was not her fault- I was
about
to be killed, she was being held in mid-air by that giant oaf, she was
swinging wildly, and she couldn't even see that she was holding a
poleaxe
at the time! She never meant to kill the guy- just to buy me some time
to
recover and prepare for his next attack!"
I hate to even mention it but its a big part of RK (the anime anyway, I
haven'tread the manga) - at the time of the Meiji Restoration,
Christianity
didn't have
much of a following in Japan, in fact most Christians were still
persecuted.
Kenshin certainly wasn't a Christian so it would be unlikely for him to
curse
using 'Goddamit'. This didn't strike me the first time I read the fic nor
would it
occur to most other readers but perhaps a small change to 'Damn it,
Saitoh!'
might be a good solution.
Er, maybe. Though I know some athiests who would use 'goddamit' or other
such things as curses... I'll make this change here (largely because my
spellchecker caught a nearby mistake), but it doesn't really seem to be
much of a problem to me, regardless.
'Oh, god,' Kaoru thought, her mind suddenly snapping all of the
sleepiness
out of her system. 'It wasn't a dream- I really did k-kill him... but
my
father's teachings, my philosophy- why? Why was I not able to control
myself better? Maybe I was in a desperate situation, but I should have
known from its weight that it was more than just a bo, and swung in
such a
way to make sure only the flat of the blade would impact him! But I
couldn't... I didn't... I failed. I failed to follow my budo- the
sword
that protects life.... Oh, god...'
Very nice usage of the Kamiya Katsushin Ryu school of thought.
Again, I feel that 'Oh, god' doesn't quite fit in here - Kami-sama might
work better.
Ya know, I think something you failed to notice was the 'god' in question
is lower-case... generally, the Christian God is written in upper case...
this, instead, is a generic 'god.' She could appeal to whatever diety she
wishes...
"...hai."
"...Hai."?
It's an intentional mistake. Lower-case h to show a small voice...
Megumi frowned. "With that attitude, you'll start feeling suicidal the
next time you and he have an argument. You have to live not JUST for
him,
but for you, as well. And Sano, and Yahiko-chan, and Ayame-chan, and
Sazumi-chan, and Tae-san, and Tsubasa-chan, and Misao-chan, and... and
me!
Dammit, you're my friend, too! Live for yourself and live for us,
because
no-one here wants to see you die! Not even Saitoh- if he did, he would
have killed you already."
'but for yourself, as well.' would work better IMO.
Agreed.
This whole conversation between Megumi and Kaoru is just perfectly IC
and just what I would expect from them. Very well done. It reminds me of
the bridge scene at the end of the Kyoto arc when Megumi and Kaoru
hold their frank talk.
Heh... actually, I was thinking towards the beginning of the Kyoto arc,
when Kaoru wouldn't even get out of bed... but close enough.
'No,' Kaoru thought. 'I will not delay whatever punishment I deserve
for
killing that man. I deserve it...' She paused for a moment. 'And why
isn't he calling me 'Kaoru-DONO any more?'
Yes, why?
<Xelloss_Mode>Ah... that is a secret...</Xelloss_Mode>
Saitoh laughed. "If everyone who killed a man was imprisoned, then
Kenshin, Aoshi, and probably Sano and Misao would likely be in jail
right
now... and we would have just executed Shishio Makoto's gang in quiet
instead of giving them the jobs we did. And you were acting in
self-defense, after all...."
Isn't he forgeting someone? Like himself? And I don't recall Sano or
Misaoever
killing anyone in the series. Even in self-defence. Maybe my memory
is failing?
No, they don't kill in the series...
Remember, though, Sano was a gangster for hire (named Zanza), and there
could be rumours, at the very least, that he'd committed murder. Misao...
well, probably not, but Saitoh was just trying to make a point.
Kenshin nodded. He expected the reason to be something like that.
"Well,
if that's so, then I'd like something from you...."
Saitoh blinked. "From me?"
What? What?
Again...
<Xelloss_Mode>Ah... that is a secret...</Xelloss_Mode>
All said and done, an excellently written fic. I'd like to see more.
More is forthcoming... but not right away. I think I have three or four
fic chapters to go before getting on to chapter 2...
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Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
desaix@sysnet.net
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/7872
fanfics available at
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