Continuing the C&C I started with part 8:
Stephen Ratliff wrote:
Part 9: First Day Living at the Tendos.
Ranma put his uniform in the closet. It was last piece of clothes
to put away.
"It was last piece of clothing he needed to put away."
"Well, I've never really had my own room to arrange before," Ranma
said. "And training trips teach you to travel light, so I don't have much
to put in one. Mom says she's going to bring some things I had when I was
little, but I don't think I really want them."
I don't think Ranma would say he's never had his own room, because you
wrote that he does have one in the Saotome home (at the end of chapter 7).
"Well, you can always thank her then put them away where you don't
have to see them," Akane said, sitting on Ranma's bed. It was a double bed
that her father had moved down from the attic.
A double bed? How convenient. Do I hear the sound of falling plot
devices? It is much more likely that they'd have done exactly what the did in
the canon: give him a futon. The Tendo home is set up in a traditional
Japanese style, so having spare western-style beds around is very unlikely. If
I am remembering it right, the girls are the only ones with beds at all;
everyone else used futons (Genma, Ranma, Happosai, and Soun.)
Kasumi was, for a change, relaxing. She was on the edge of the
pond, staring at the fish. Nodoka found her there, and took a seat beside
her. "Good Morning Kasumi. It's nice to see you relaxing for a change."
This isn't written well. You make a statement in the first sentence that
is repeated, almost word for word, in Nodoka's line. I'd suggest dropping
either one so that the phrase is only used once.
"I never could do that, Auntie," Kasumi said. "I'm barely getting
by at school. I don't have time to talk to my friends. I seems all I ever
do is study, clean, and cook. And I'm acting more of a mother to my
sisters than a sister."
While there is technically nothing wrong with any of this, I'd suggest "And
I'm acting more like I'm a mother to my sisters than a sister."
"You need to learn to delegate," Nodoka said. "Let others take
some tasks."
"I don't see how," Kasumi said. "I've already got Nabiki and Akane
alternating doing the dishes, but I can't get them to do much more. Akane
is a disaster waiting to happen in the kitchen, and Nabiki won't help cook.
If I left it to Akane to clean her room, it would be a pig stye.
That probably isn't true. In the comics and anime, Akane always cleaned
her own room. I'm not certain about Nabiki, but it seems likely. Japanese
girls are expected to be domestic at least that much. Men and boys, on the
other hand, expect to be babied, so poor Kasumi probably has to be constantly
picking up after the men in the house. One common complaint I've read that
Japanese women make, is that Japanese men marry a woman not just as a lover,
but a substitute mother as well.
And I
still haven't been able to tell Akane how babies are made, and she's been
having periods since the day after Mother died."
"If you'd like, I can give Akane that talk," Nodoka said.
"Would you? I've been dreading that talk," Kasumi said.
"Would you? I've been dreading it,"
"She and
Ranma have been getting really close and I'm afraid that something might
happen."
"I will talk with Akane," Nodoka said. "But it will have to be
tomorrow. I've got a class to get too."
"I've got a class to get to."
"I'll see you tomorrow then, Auntie," Kasumi replied, standing up.
"I left some of Ranma's stuff inside," Nodoka said, heading toward
the gate. "Tell Akane to look on page 8 of the photo album. She'll
understand."
Someone else on the FFML made a good suggestion a while back. If a number
is less than two digits, it looks better to spell it out: "Tell Akane to look
on page eight of the photo album. She'll understand."
Kasumi entered the house. As she headed toward the kitchen, she
spotted the photo album. Curious, she opened it to page 8. On that page
was a picture of a three year old Ranma, naked, riding a broom across the
room. "Oh my!"
Ranma is a witch? This sounds a bit like he's flying on it. "On that page
was a picture of a naked three year old Ranma, playing horsey with a broom."
Soun watched Akane and Ranma sparring in the dojo. He'd already
spotted some improvements in Akane's form and attack methods. She'd
tightened up her defenses and wasn't attacking in anger anymore. That had
always been a problem with Akane. She tended to get frustrated with her
opponent when she couldn't get a shot in and get angry.
"would get angry" or "got angry".
She also tended to
lose control when she got hit. She was holding her own with Ranma, each of
them testing each other, but something seemed to be slightly off. Ah.
"Ranma, please put a little more into your attach," Soun said.
"attack". Also, a little more what?
"Akane, try attacking him a little lower."
"I can't get by him there," Akane responded, as Ranma jumped over
her low attacks, and a kick got though her defenses. "One for you Ranma."
"You'll close that hole soon enough," Ranma said, executing an
unsuccessful attack toward Akane's left side.
"It only opened due to that attack Dad suggested," Akane said.
"If you don't try attacks you won't learn how to do them properly,"
If Soun is replying to Akane, this doesn't sound right. He'd be telling
her that if she didn't practice against the attacks that were getting through,
she'd never improve.
Soun said. "Break." Akane and Ranma stepped out of their stances and bowed
to each other. "Ranma, spar with me."
Akane relaxed in front of the television. It was almost time for
the movie she and Ranma had decided on for this week. It was old musical
that Kasumi had suggested called "The Pirates of Penzance." Akane had
expected Ranma to suggest a martial arts movie, but that was what he didn't
want, but perhaps he'd had too much of them.
The last sentence here is gibberish. I'd suggest: "Akane had expected
Ranma to suggest a martial arts movie, but perhaps he'd had too much of that
kind of thing."
--
Ja ne,
LarryF
http://home.earthlink.net/~lwf58