"No, not in the bathrooms, conference rooms or any of the booths."
A-kun reported.
"Or either side of the bathhouses." Gavin replied.
Thor and A-kun glared at him.
"Um, hey, you guys assigned me to the bathhouses, you get what you
ask for." Gavin replied.
Thor and A-kun slapped him upside the head.
============================
Anime Death Tournament
Round 4 - Um, The Battles Continue Yet Again... Maybe
Outcomes by ????? and C-chan
Typing by A-kun
Plot by..... um, say, who IS doing the plot?
........................
============================
"Welcome back to Anime Death Tournament, Round 4. We're getting
into the major leagues today, kiddies." ????? commented.
"Yes, our first match is Ragen versus Flair." C-chan added.
"So, let's get down to that ring and get DIRTY!" ????? declared.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Silence fell over the audience as a dark figure walked in through
the red doors, completely hidden in a dark blue cloak lined with golden
silk. He walked up to the ring silently, followed by Happosai, Nabiki Tendo
and a female spirit by the name of Anja. Before entering the ring, he threw
back his cloak. The cloak then wrapped around his costume, a long flowing
shirt sashed around a pair of pants, on its' own. It formed over the
clothes and added dragon embroidery.
"Run Away" by The Real McCoy broke the silence as a white-haired
woman walked down the blue aisle towards the ring. She wore her hair in the
same manner as the original Kei of the Dir, er... Lovely Angels and was
wearing a WWWA logo on her mechanical arm. She wore a blue silk shirt that
had a Yin-Yang on the back and black jeans. As Flair got into the ring, she
turned to Yuri and the now recovered Kei from Dirty Pair Flash. Kei nodded
to Flair before smiling a bit. Flair turned to Ragen and gave him a dark
look, which might've fazed him, had he cared.
Robo was ignoring both fighters and was carrying on an interesting
conversation with another robot.
"I've got a horrible pain down the entire left side of my diodes."
Marvin, the terminally depressed robot, told Robo.
"I've been there. No one's bothered to tune you up, have they?
Human scum." Robo replied.
"Well, it's not always the humans that ignore me. There are
hundreds of races that don't like me. For instance, I was so well known on
one planet that I was hated before we even finished landing there. I had no
fun whatsoever, but no one listened to me, now did they? They just went
about their business. And that Arthur Dent fellow. I'm sure he'd smell
rather badly if I had an olfactory sensor to smell with. I'm not bringing
you down, am I?" Marvin asked.
"No, not at all. Being a robot has always pissed me off.
Especially when androids like that Nuku Nuku or that Data from Star Trek
don't even resemble us. I mean, if the technology is available..." Robo
answered.
"That just sucks." Marvin agreed.
Shao Khan looked at the two robots and shook his head.
"FIGHT!" Shao Khan roared.
"My dear Lady Flair, why must we fight? Perhaps we should go out
instead. I know this great ramen stand..." Ragen began, by Flair's side
before she could even react.
Suddenly, Ragen found himself begin strangled as Anja and Nabiki
went to town on him (Anja doing only mildly less damage). Happosai bounced
off of Nabiki's head and flew at Flair, ready to glomp her. He found
himself kissing the barrel of Flair's energy-shotgun.
*MEGAZARK*
Happosai went flying back against far corner post, mouth scorched,
but essentially alive. Flair cursed and began raising the setting on her
shotgun. It went from "Cook Eggs" to "Groin Fry" to "Brain Splatter" to
"Cook Whale Under Water", past "Burn Angel 3 To A Crisp" and "Oh My Kamis
And Megamis, What Are You Doing That Would Require This Setting?". She
ended on the highest setting, "Stun Happosai For A Few Years". She fired at
Happosai a few more times, burning the pervert to a crisp. Meanwhile,
Nabiki and Anja were pulling Ragen out of the ring. Flair booted Happosai
out of the Arena.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"That was a pretty cheap ending. I mean, Ragen didn't even attack
Flair." C-chan growled.
"Not every fight is going to be the same. Sadly, we won't be seeing
Ragen again, because Nabiki says so." ????? added.
"Um, let's go on to the next fight. Linna Yamazaki versus Tenchi
Tsukino." C-chan replied.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
As the Rap Remix of "Moonlight Desten" plays, a blue rose flies and
hits the blue corner post. Tenchi Tsukino leapt and landed in front of the
post. Stanley "Blackstan" Teriaca walked up to the ring and waved to
various fans. Tenchi scowled at Stanley's mini-grandstanding, but decided
not to bother telling the author off. Tenchi merely drew his sword and
prepared for battle.
"Hey, he seems familiar." Usagi Tsukino commented.
Mamoru glanced over at Chibi-Usa.
"You know him, don't you?" Mamoru asked.
Chibi-Usa began whistling and studying the ceiling. Mamoru was
about to comment when "Born to Kill" by Priss and the Replicants began
drowning out what he might have said. Unless he felt like screaming at his
daughter, which he didn't.
Linna Yamazaki, wearing her aerobic instructors outfit, entered via
the red doors. Nene Romanov followed in her AD Police outfit. Nene looked
rather apprehensive. Linna leapt into the ring with the skill of a gymnast,
but the grace of a dancer.
"Linna..." Nene began.
"I'll be fine, Nene. I've been in a few tournaments before..."
Linna responded.
"Yes, but this is a tournament where people DIE." Nene replied.
"And are brought back to life easily. Sylia wouldn't let me fight
if she felt it was too dangerous." Linna answered.
[Cut to Linna's locker room.]
Sylia opened the door and glanced around.
"Shoot. Missed her." Sylia muttered to herself before closing the
door and heading to the Arena.
Meanwhile, someone stumbled out of the bathroom.
"Last time I eat food from Taco John's. Ugh, they should emphasize
that JOHN part." A warrior of evil who had an unnaturally pale and worn face
murmurred.
The warrior looked around before sniffing the air. The once-pale
warrior turned green and waved it's hand in front of it's face. It grabbed
two nearby complimentary cans of Lysol, shook them up properly, and began
spraying them into the bathroom.
"Better leave before anyone comes in and smells that..." the warrior
said, stumbling out of the room as Lysol's power began warring with the
power of the smell eminating from the bathroom. Sparks began flying as the
two powers began using extreme force. The Lysol summoned help and cans of
Lysol Bombs (the kind that eliminate ANY odor) rolled in from the store room
as miniature fighters began making Lysol Bomb runs. The stench from the
bathroom summoned it's own help. This fight wasn't over by a long shot.
[Cut back to the ring.]
"So, it's okay." Linna replied.
"FIGHT!" Shao Khan declared.
Tenchi lunged at Linna, who dodged and slid by the attacks. Tenchi
flung a blue rose at Linna, but the aerobic's instructor rolled out of the
way. Linna leapt up and came down at the young lord with a graceful
jump-kick. Tenchi leapt back and managed to catch Linna's right leg with
the flat of his blade. However, he couldn't dodge Linna's kick to his face,
sending him stumbling back.
"Sorry, kid. You okay?" Linna asked.
Tenchi nodded.
"Right." Linna said, taking up a fighting stance.
Tenchi got ready for the next battery of attacks. Linna leapt
forward, punching, kicking and elbowing at the small lord. Tenchi blocked
as much as he could, but was forced to jump back. Linna leapt at him, but
she completely forgot about the fact that Tenchi could throw roses.
Luckily, Tenchi's rose missed and struck a light fixture. Linna landed and
looked to see if the fixture might fall. She'd hate to get clobbered like
Naga had. Then she turned back to see one of Tenchi's roses right in her
face. She accidentally sniffed it and staggered back. Soon, she was on the
floor, snoring softly.
"This was a good fight. You did well. But, I am destined to win."
Tenchi told her sleeping form.
Tenchi and Stanley left as Nene pulled/dragged Linna out of the ring
and back to Linna's room.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"Um, that was a weird, but clean fight." ????? commented
"Well, anyway, on to one of Bastion's famous interviews." C-chan
said.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
The Essential Anime Death Tournament Interviews....
With correspondent, Bastion Fitsroy
Interview #4
-----------------------------------------------------
Interview #4: Sailor Moon
[Scene: A darkened and desolate studio, where Death himself
would fear to reside. Two stage lights are focused upon two
black chairs, Spartan in design. To one side is Tracer, laid
back letting his long black locks of hair cover up his sneering
facade and his outfit matches the studio in gloom. To the other
side is the fighter of love and justice, Sailor Moon, wearing
her usual attire, which glows in the dark studio. She smiles at
Tracer who grunts in return.]
Sailor Moon: .......
Tracer: ......
Sailor Moon: ........
Tracer: ........
Sailor Moon: Uh, hello.
Tracer: ...... huh.
Sailor Moon: <looks at watch and looks back at Tracer> Uh, I
hear you're filling for that Bastion guy, right.
Tracer: Yeah, <mumbling> the bastard.
Sailor Moon: Is there something wrong? Are you mad you lost in
the tournament? <Tracer grunts once more> If it makes you feel
any better I was beat in the first round by that lying,
cheating, no good, piece of rotten human feces, dumb, stupid,
communistic, underminer of capitalistic economic infrastructure,
the sour tasting rancid lemon of the underbelly of the hentai
world-
[From no where, Seiya glomps onto Tracer. Tracer sits very,
very still.]
Tracer: <very tempered voice> Could you get this Seiya clone off
me.
Sailor Moon: <mouth hangs in mid-sentence and then smiles>
Seiya, get off him. <Seiya doesn't move> Bad Seiya! <Seiya
pouts> No treat for you Seiya-chu!
Seiya: <Seiya hesitantly jumps down, eyes begging> Chu?
<Sailor Moon remains resolved and Seiya sulks away, whimpering>
Chuuuuuu.
Sailor Moon: It's a good thing that Seiya's paper trained. You
have no idea how big a mess they can make. <looks off camera>
Seiya-chu quit gnawing on that nice man's leg!
Camera Man: <off camera> That's not my leg!!!!!
Seiya: <off camera, voice muffled> Chowf!
[Sailor Moon and Tracer exchange a look, blink, and then
shudder.]
Tracer: <face sours> That is *the* most.....<shivers>
Oeeeehhheeeuh!
Sailor Moon: Oh. <blushes> Er, hee, hee.
Tracer: <sickened> Just how are you training hi-, er, her, um,
<points to the salivating Seiya> those?
Sailor Moon: Oh, you know, the usual Seiya training stuff
<mumbling> That is the last time I let Minako pet sit....
Tracer: <pause> This has nothing to do with that whole Rei
thing, right?
Sailor Moon: No, you must be thinking of the Dub version. Those
two have been an item since that guy from Canada made their
story public.
Tracer: Nah, it was the guy from Australia who made it public.
Sailor Moon: <smiles politely> No, he's the kind gentleman who
killed me repeatedly.
Tracer: <slouches in chair, and tosses hand flippantly> Eh,
they're all the same to me...
Sailor Moon: That's not completely true. There is always <the
lights dim and Sailor Moon's face is down-cast, her voice
foreboding> Him.
Tracer: <lowers eyebrows, incredulous> Who are you talkin' about?
Sailor Moon: The one known as, uh.... Oh shoot, now I forgot his
name. <Tracer shakes his head> You know who I'm talking about,
you know the guy who had that cat fetish.
Tracer: Oh....<realization> Oh, Him. Yeah, now that was screwed
up. At least my creator isn't some weirdo who has a sexual preference
problem.
[Suddenly Bastion emerges on screen wearing his best cream
colored chiffon dress, a wig, and makeup. Tracer immediately
falls over from shock. Sailor Moon smiles. Seiya, *ahem*
adores from afar.]
Bastion: Uh, hey guys. Long time, no see?
Sailor Moon: <looks away> Er, hello, Mr. Fitsroy, but you must
pardon me when I ask, just what in the sam hell happened to you?
Bastion: <looks down at the dress> Well, ????? thought death
would be going too easy on me.
Sailor Moon: Ah, I see. <looks at watch> Uh, I think I best be
going now. I want A-kun to meet Seiya-chu. <claps hands and
squats down> Come on, Seiya, Mommie-kins wants you to meet
someone! <Seiya runs toward her and jumps around excitedly>
That's a good Seiya!
[Sailor Moon and Seiya exit. Bastion turns to the camera.]
Bastion: Well, hey there, I hope you've enjoyed this interview.
I know I have. <A fate snickering is heard in the background,
Bastion continues undaunted> I'd like to thank my Original
character Tracer for standing in <more snickering, Bastion now
is visibly annoyed>. I'll be back next time loyal Death
Tournamenites! Same Bastion time-
Tracer: <still snickering> And in the same chiffon dress!
Bastion: <facefault> Well, I maybe stuck in a dress, but it
doesn't take away from my dignity.
[Tracer finally loses it and falls on the floor laughing.]
Tracer: BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!
Bastion: <nervously scratches the back of his head> Eh, hehehe.
Uh, back to you C-chan and ????? <turning to Tracer> Will you
stop laughing.
Tracer: BWWHAAHAHAHAHA!!! <catches his breath> No.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[Cut to C-chan and ?????.]
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
C-chan turned to ?????.
"I can't believe you did that!" C-chan declared, stunned at her
friend's reaction.
????? just laughed.
"Now, on to the third fight." C-chan said, keeping an eye on ?????
just in case ????? thought about putting HER in a dress.
"Kontijaro vs. Hauser." ????? decreed.
"You're right, these things are getting short." C-chan replied.
"I guess there's not much for announcers to say. We could do some
comparisons, but that would ruin the fighter's advantages of complete and
total surprise." ????? answered.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Kontijaro entered via the red doors, waving to the crowd as he,
Psyduck and Pikachu slowly walked down to the ring. The opening theme to
Crono Trigger played over the speakers as the trio made their way slowly to
the ring. Kontijaro stepped into the ring and waved to everyone once again.
The song "Princes of the Universe" by Queen began playing as Hauser
walked confidently down the blue aisle to the ring. The arrogantly
gold-masked buffoon disappeared in a swirl of wind only to appear in his
corner, sipping a martini. Kontijaro frowned.
Referee Robo was captivated by Marvin's story of how he began
working at Millyway's as a vehicle attendant. Shao Khan glared at the
robots, but was ignored completely.
"FIGHT!" Shao Khan before relaxing again.
"PSST! Your zipper is down." came a voice in the back of Hauser's
head.
Hauser turned to try and find the source of the speaker. When he
turned back. Kontijaro jump-kicked him in the ribs, then sent a round-house
kick to his face followed by a series of fifteen punches. Hauser collapsed
in a heap.
Kontijaro backed off, knowing how tricky some fighters could be.
Hauser flared with power and sent eight windslashes at him. Kontijaro
countered the attacks with a psionic barrier. Hauser growled in anger. He
focused his power and began creating a tornado in the middle of the ring.
Kontijaro's focus allowed him to keep his barrier up, but he knew that
Hauser would slowly increase the size and power of the tornado. He had one
chance and it was really risky. He pulled out a straw and tossed it into
the whirlwind. Hauser received said straw through his head.
Kontijaro bowed to the audience as the tornado died down and
vanished.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"Kontijaro showing that his intelligence was above that of
Hauser's." C-chan said.
"It's a little distressing that the Animates haven't been winning
recently, ne?" ????? asked.
"Oh, don't worry. Most of the fighters'll lose in the end." C-chan
answered.
"I know that." ????? answered.
"Now for the next fight." C-chan told her.
"Right. Nozumo Stingray vs. Toma." ????? announced.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Lakeside's "Fantastic Voyage" began playing as a series of crystal
beams appeared and shaped themselves into a giant diamond. The diamond
filled in and Nozomu Stingray is seen encased in the diamond. Nozomu's eyes
opened and the diamond shattered violently. The shards stopped, imploded
and were absorbed back into Nozomu's body. Damien Hailey and Sasami Jurai
walked in via the blue doors and stood behind Nozomu.
"I don't know, but I'm getting the feeling that Toma is in for a lot
of trouble." ????? replied.
Suddenly, a 16 year old Son Gohan flew into the arena via the red
doors. He slammed against the ring post and grunted. He stood up and
dodged Piccolo who flew in after him.
"GAWD-DAMMIT! WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?" C-chan snarled as Toma and
his three men are tossed in like Yahiko and company.
The unseen warrior must have left because Goku, the Ox King and
Chichi raced in. Gohan helped Piccolo up as Goku and the Ox King picked up
Toma's men. Chichi lifted Toma and carried him out. Goku, the Ox King,
Piccolo and Gohan left as well.
"REPLACEMENT!" ????? yelled.
Suddenly, the song "Of Wolf and Man" by Metalica begins playing.
Cloud exited from the red doors and walked down to the ring. He was dressed
in his grey and black SOLDIER's uniform and was surrounded by Tifa
Lockheart, Aerith Gainsborough and Red XIII. Cloud got into the ring and
drew his Ultima Sword. The materia glowed briefly as he took a few test
swings to make sure he was still in fighting shape.
"I'm not planning on losing again." Cloud growled.
Nozomu didn't reply.
"FIGHT!" Shao Khan yelled before going into a coughing fit, nearly
choking to death on his own saliva.
Cloud summoned his materia the power of his materia and cast the
most powerful summoning spell he could. He vanished suddenly.
[Scene: Space. We spin, taking in a long view of the stars before
we finally see the Earth again. The sun peaks over the edge of the Earth.
Suddenly, a large silver dragon with six wings appeared and zoomed past us.
Terra-Bahamut hovers over Earth. It suddenly pulls out a container of
pepper and tosses the pepper into it's nostrils. It began "AAAAAH"ing
before it releases large "ACHOOOOOOOOO" The snot ball falls down to Earth.
Of course, no one is to see the whole pepper bit or the sneezing bit, but
who cares?]
The grey barrier around the Death Dome shattered like so many pieces
of delicate china when Evas go on a marathon as the Snot Ball of Doom bursts
through the roof and decimates the ring. Cloud was the only one standing in
the ring as he reappeared.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"That is the _MOST_ _DISGUSTING_ _THING_ I have ever seen!" C-chan
declared.
"Nozomu and company probably have it worse than we do. After all,
they're coated in that stuff." ????? commented, shuddering.
"I need a shower. Um, show Mel Brook's History of the World Part
2." C-chan said.
????? and C-chan leave the tower.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Intermission - Rent, buy, steal or just play Mel Brook's History of
the World Part 2.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"We're back. And now on to Ail versus Octavian." C-chan said,
leaning back to plug in her hair dryer.
Of course, she didn't want to actually have to move so she could
actually reach it. She just wanted to see how long it took before ????? got
mad enough to plug it in for her.
"GIVE ME THAT!" ????? snapped, grabbing the cord and plugging it in.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"One Week" by Bare Naked Ladies began playing as Octavian and his
escorts, Tenchi, Washu and Ryoko exited the blue doors and made their way to
the ring. Octavian was dressed in Juraian Battle Suit that was loaned to
him by Washu, who had created the original battle gear. Octavian performed
a High Jump(tm), landed in the ring, took out his lightsaber, turned it on
and adopted a ready stance. Suddenly, he yawned, and declared, "I'm still
sleepy! Can't we do this later?"
Across the way, from the red doors, Ail, also known as Alan from
Sailor Moon, walked in. Except for the Nehru jacket and blue jeans, he
looked roughly the same green-skinned, blue-haired (with two pink stripes)
alien he always had been. Ail teleported into the ring and blew on his
fingers before brushing them against his jacket.
[I'm fighting a beatnik-wannabe. Oh joy.] Octavian thought to
himself.
"Oh, I don't know who'll win. But, put me down for fifty dollars on
the green guy. He looks a little cooler." Robo commented.
"Right." Marvin replied.
"FIGHT!" Shao Khan said, before drinking his delicious Snapple (The
Best Stuff is in Here).
Octavian shot forward, throwing six fireballs at Ail. Only to slam
into a rather large creature.
"I believe you know my friends Whupass and Ozark." Ail commented,
motioning to the large monsters standing before Octavian.
Octavian yelped as the two monsters lunged for him. Octavian used
his pyrotecnic powers to set the monsters on fire. Suddenly, Whupass
exploded, sending Octavian flying backwards. Ozark leapt at Octavian before
exploding, knocking Octavian onto his back. Ail waited for Octavian to get
back up before unleashing a psionic blast at the scorched warrior. Octavian
leapt up and over the blast and called a pyrotecnic storm of flame down onto
Ail. Ail teleported above Octavian, who drew a card and sent it flying at
Octavian. Octavian was about to snatch it out of the air when suddenly,
Ryoko yelled, "MOVE!"
Octavian dodged the card as it flew to a useless Red-shirt Security
Officer (tm). The Red-shirt(tm) snatched the card out of the air. He
looked at the card and read it.
"The Void?" the Red-shirt inquired before the card animated, sucking
him in.
The card, having consumed a victim, vanished. The sound of a loud
belch followed it's disappearance. Octavian turned to Ail.
"How DARE you do that! Don't you care at all!?" Octavian demanded.
"It was just a Red-shirt (tm)." Ail said.
"True." Octavian replied.
Octavian shot up suddenly at a 45 degree angle at Ail.
"RYUUENJIN!" Octavian roared, slashing Ail with a blazing beam
sword.
The Dragon Flame Blade slammed into Ail, sending the alien back to
the ground. Outside of the ring. Octavian was announced the winner.
Shrugging, the young man fell asleep while still standing. Worst of all, he
was snoring.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"An impressive fight, if a tad short." ????? commented.
"True. I wonder if Ryuuenjin really translates into Dragon Flame
Blade, though." C-chan replied.
"Well, Octavian was HOPING that was the translation, but if anyone
could send us a revised spelling of this, it would be most helpful." ?????
said.
"Onto the next match, David Tatum versus Mu of the Seven Lucky Gods
Martial Artists." C-chan announced.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
David "Desaix" Tatum, Kaoru Kamiya, Akane Tendo and B.B. (from the
Second Charlotte Cup) entered via the red doors as 'Dies Irae' from Carmina
Burana by Carl Orff, conducted by Eugene Ormandy, performed by the
Philadelphia Orchestra and the Rutgers University Choir played over the
speakers. David stopped by the ring to kiss each of his escorts before
hopping into the ring.
"Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)" by the Outhere Brothers began playing
as Mu and Jasmine began walking down the blue aisle, scaring off puppies,
small child, teenagers, infants, adults, senior citizens. They also managed
to shake TharzZzDunN out of the ceiling vents.
"FINALLY! Never thought I get out of there after Akuma stuffed me
in there. Just because I put some Spring of Drowned Greased Hairless
Chihuahua Dog in his shampoo." TharzZzDunN commented to himself.
"Yo Quiero Death Of TharzZzDunN." The greased hairless chihuahua
formerly known as Akuma declared as menacingly as it could.
"Um, there seems to be some sort of problem." C-chan replied.
"And that is?" ????? inquired.
"Mu can't get into the ring." C-chan replied.
"Uh-oh." ????? said.
Mu took a deep breath and began speaking. In a squeaky voice.
"Seeing as I cannot enter the ring, I will forfeit this match to
David." Mu declared.
The crowd erupted in cheers to cover up the fact that they'd be
rolling on the floor, laughing until they cried or lost their lunches, if
given the chance. David gratefully bowed to Mu, doing his best to keep from
snickering.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
"What a <snicker> great guy Mu is." C-chan said, doing her best to
keep her composure.
"I don't think helium could make Mu's THAT high." ????? said,
playing the cool professional. At least until the cameras turned off.
"And now, yet another commercial by TharzZzCo." C-chan declared.
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
[A sign is placed in front of the camera.]
Sign: This Space for Rent.
[End of commercial.]
****** ****** ****** ****** ******
To be continued in Part B (Yes, this time, there WILL be no mistakes.)
_______________________________________________________________
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