On Wed, 16 Jun 1999, Frey Eriksson wrote:

Well, I'm using a different e-mail addy.
Hopefully this one can send a full chapter
of something without scrambling it.

Seems to have managed okay.

- Valandar the Red

[snip disclaimer]

                    Oceans of Sky
                A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
                 By Valandar the Red


                      Prologue:
              Discussions on the Barrier


     N'akaaran stood on the edge of the plateau, staring
into the endless depths below him. As an akiir, he had

Nit pick, shouldn't the proper name of a race be capitalized?

little to fear from a possible fall, but he preferred to
fly in areas where he would at least have some form of
solid ground beneath him. The idea of nothing but
infinity below was actually just a little nauseating.

After reading through the story, I understood this remark, but it was quite
confusing so early on.  Just as a thought, why not give us background instead
in the style of Lodoss War?

Easing away from the precipice, he regarded his
companion.

Companion, or master?

     Boven was a very bookish human, to be expected from

Heh.  Just to point out, on the first reading I thought that was Bovine. :) Was
that the connotation you were going for?

a wizard. He had hired the akiir as a guide, and as a
bodyguard. The truth be told, if a serious foe decided
to attack the wizard, like a grondrim, the hollow-boned
reptile would be in just as much danger as his charge.
The only saving grace was his flight, and prowess with
his wickedly curved scimitar.

And the fact he's dumb enough to fly into oblivion.

     "Ahem. N'akaaran, please come here." Boven's pug
nose twitched in his chubby face, and he was scratching
at the crushed green velvet doublet he was wearing.
Ovinel Plateau was quite temperate, and the chubby human
was not wearing his cloak. Sighing, the guide and
bodyguard walked over.

Maybe you were going for that connotation, eh?

     "As any schoolboy knows," began the supercilious
wizard, "the world of Tayren was created by the gods, to
test out races for other worlds. The plateaus were
intended to keep all the races separate, until they were
ready to be released to their own worlds. All of the
plateaus terminate within an average altitude of between
ten and fifteen feet above or below the standard average
of all the plateaus."

Umm. Hmm. Uhh. Huh?  The wording is clear but the fiddlefarb isn't.  I think
plateau, I think umm, flat mountain basically.  Maybe I'm missing something
here.  Maybe it's the word terminate?  Er, no, that's not it. Umm. Maybe:

	"As any schoolboy knows," began the supercilious wizard, "the world
of Tayren was created by the gods to test out races for other worlds.  The
plateaus were created to separate the races of Tayren, until they were ready to
be released to their own worlds.  All of the plateaus are the same height, and
differ no less than ten to fifteen feet amongst each other."

However, this leads me to the question, "So?"  This seems to be a trivial bit
of information.  (The bit about the plateaus.)  It seems like you're making
some sort of proposition, perhaps something along the lines of, "All these
plateaus were created by the <fill in the blank>.  We know this because
they are all the same height.  No natural geological features could be the
result of nature.  Therefore, it must have been the work of the <fill in the
blank>.

Or something.  However, as a matter of personal taste, FWIW, the expository
style of filling in back information this way is kinda tiring.  I know I
blanked out the first time I read it... Perhaps a more palatable style might be
in order?

[snip]

See above for rest of the exposition.

Final comments:
	Tayren is an interesting premise, although one that reminds me quite a
bit of Ringworld.  Or the zoo planet of Known Space.  Either way, it seems like
you have a rich backdrop to tell your story; it felt at times though (at least
in this introduction) that the scenery was getting more camera time than the
actors.

I look forward to the next part. ^_^

Just my 2 credits.

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Sean E Hayden || Maxwell Edison || Flinx 
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Tagline for Wednesday, June 16, 1999

Another great idea from the man who brought you Beer Milkshake

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