On Wed, 16 Jun 1999 doug_w@mail.geocities.com wrote:

I believe that this is finally a complete part 1

Okay.  Have some C&C!

Lanko of the Amazons
part 1
by
Douglas Whiddon

Out of curiosity, are you this Doug?

     /me mallets mokona

	You know the story.
	Ranma and his father fell into cursed springs.
	Furious over his loss of manhood Ranma chased his
father around the springs.
	This is where it starts to deviate.
	In this universe a rock the size of your fist was
positioned just a little more to the left than in the universe
we�re used to.

If I may make a suggestion...

Don't speak to the audience like this, unless you're trying to to
establish the narrator as a character of some sort.  IMHO, it looks
horrible.

	He emerged male again. Realizing his son was
cured; Genma prepared to cannonball into the spring with
him.

Semicolons aren't commas.  Use a comma here.

	The girl decided to find the guide; and her clothes.

Take out the semicolon here.

	She turned around; tripped over the same rock,
rolled down the hillside, hit her head rather soundly against
a tree, and lost consciousness.

And here as well.

	Jusenkyo is only dangerous to the foolish or the
unwary. But only a fool would always travel this route,
eventually; the law of averages would catch up with you.

Here as well.

Then your never going swimming again.

your = you're

In any case, this is the wrong tense.  If should read 'Then, you would
never go swimming again'.  (This assumes that one doesn't fall into the
SoD Octopus, for then, one would always be swimming).

	The amazons took the shortcut this time in hopes
that they would get home in time to enjoy at least part of
the tournament.
	The Amazons (as they where called by outsiders)
traveled according to their hierarchy.

So, is the word 'amazon' a name of the group, or a type of people.  If
it's the first, capitalize the word.  If it's the second, make it
lowercase. 

Cologne, the
matriarch, traveled first. Next to her rode her lieutenants,
then the seasoned warriors. Next came the older men,
followed by the young warriors and young men both on foot
leading horses laden with supplies.

This seems odd to me.  One would think the leader would be guarded by the
rest against assassins, not be in front where she'd be an easy (and the
first) target.

	Cologne thought for a moment. �Young girls don�t
wind up naked and half-dead on hillsides by accident.

Except in this case, it seems.

	�This girl is Asian. Despite her hair.

Make the first period a comma.  This will make your first sentence less
choppy, and the second one part of a complete sentence, instead of being
just a phrase.

	"What is it What's wrong?" Cologne feared the
worst.

Question mark between the two quoted sentences.

	<Can you tell me your name?>
	The girl  looked more confused. <I...don't know.>

So, what ever happened to the memory-enhancement shampoo?

	"you called her Wild Girl earlier. We'll call her
Lanko, it means Wild Child in Japanese."

Why would they give her a Japanese name?

	"In bed he avoids lying in the position of a corpse."
Lanko wrinkled her nose as if smelling something fowl.
"Lanko think writer stink."

"Hey, that rhymes!"

the tribe was always preparing for war, even
though there hadn't been an attack in nearly seventy years. 

Capitalize the first letter of this sentence.

	If the communists where to attack it would likely be
with guns and tanks. The communists would have a nasty
surprise waiting for them if they did attack.

where = were

I believe that 'communists' should be capitalized.

	Shampoo and Cologne stood next to a weapons rack
on which sat Shampoo's Bonbori and a long curved sword.

'Bonbori' should be lowercase.

Cologne
watched carefully. Cologne was sure that Lanko had martial
arts before, she was picking up the basics to quickly for a
novice.

...had taken/known/had knowledge of the martial arts...

to = too

Row upon
row of one level houses,  each row radiating out from the
center of the village.

Did what?

A sentence has too parts; you have the subject, now fit it to a predicate. 

	*What the?* �You no touch Lanko that way!� She
yelled as she brought the Bonbori down on his skull with a
satisfying thunk. The boy landed at her feet in a heap.

Yay!  (I don't like Mousse)

The creature was on her like Finally the beast lunged

What?  Miswritten sentence?

But panda�s rarely where drawn with vicious claws
and six inch fangs dripping blood.

Er...you realize that it was Ranma chasing the panda, not the other way
around, don't you?

	�So, what more you got?�

Rather interesting.  Lanko just learned the language, and she can already
speak slang?

	Cologne stared incredulously at Lanko. �You�ve
mastered the Chestnut Fist, the Dragons Heavenly
Assencion, the Breaking Point, and the Splitting Cat-hairs
technique.

Thank goodness you didn't use the Japanese names here!

	A body hit the wall with a resounding THUMP, and
slid down to the floor. Kasumi Tendo (19), sitting on the

Take out the parenthetical remarks.

porch, looked up from her sewing. �Ryouga, will you please
not kill my Fiancee?�

'Fiancee' should have only one e (I think.  Or is it one e for females,
and two for males?) and should be lowercase.

A Genma-p looked up from his game of shogi
and held up a sign.

Genma-p?  What, is he a half panda/half pig hybrid?

	�Ryouga, your shirts fixed.�

shirt's

tiny stiches, where Kasumi had repaired a tear, set set them

remove one 'set'

	�That�s not for another week, Bandana-boy.�
	�I want to be on time.�
	Ranma sighed.

Heh.


-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble.  A few more shots, then 
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode.  Ducking around a corner, 
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of 
my Anime supplier.

One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed.  "Tell me."
I insisted.  He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance.  Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the 
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...