C&C below.  Snippage througout.

&&&[Begin Chapter 2.]

	"...Usagi?" the black cat repeated, inching closer to the blonde
girl.

	Tsukino Usagi, a girl of fourteen, had but two days ago been
given a magical pendant/brooch-thing, with which she could transform
into the Pretty Sailor-Suited Warrior For Love and Justice, Sailor
Moon.

cap: Warrior for Love

A decent opening.  Not particularly exciting, but I like the
Usagi-take on things, like "brooch-thing, and "doohicky".

	She had already managed to repel one attack from the Dark
Kingdom, ruled by the evil Queen Beryl, who needs either energy or some
dohickey called the Ginzuishou to revive her Great Leader, Queen
Metallia.

sp:  doohickey
(Would you believe it's a real word?)

	The girl with two very long blonde pigtails snored softly in her
seated position on her bed. She was fully dressed for school, but had
apparently slipped back into unconsciousness when she found out that
she had actually gotten up early for once.

technical point: a pigtail consists of braided hair; a ponytail is loose.

[...]

	"Mph-rphhhe!" Usagi mumbled through her stuffed mouth as she
grabbed her lunchbag and ran out the door, waving goodbye.

sp:  lunch bag

	"Bye, dear. Have a nice day," Ikuko called, not turning her
attention away from whatever arcane project it was that she tinkered
with on the countertop, also ignoring the the talking cat...

dup:  ignoring the talking cat

[...]

	*WHAM!* The sudden impact threw off the girl's already tenuous
balance, sending her slamming facefirst into the sidewalk. She sat up
and started to cry. "Waaaaaah! Why did you have to do that, Luuunaaa?"

sp: face first

[...]

	"Do you remember your mission?"

	"Umm... Mission?"

Serve the public trust?
Protect the innocent?
Uphold the law?
(Hey, they were listed on Ami's computer...)

[...]

	The old man blinked, looking at a passer-by: a rather beautiful
young redheaded woman. "Hey, baby," the priest greeted cheerfully,
"wanna come work at the..." He paused, thinking something over. "Oh,
forget it... SWEETO!!!!"

Well, it looks like another Ranma cast member
has arrived, if only in deed and speech pattern.  ;)

[...]

	The man frowned momentarily, then smiled and shrugged. "Okay,
whatever you say, Rei." He walked back into the shrine and closed the
door behind him.

	*ROOARR* The skies seemed to darken as a massive power struggle
took place inside the temple...

	The effect subsided within a few moments.

	"I still don't understand how he gets past the wards all the
time," Rei muttered, then turned to Ranma. "You can change back now."

Heh.  :)

[...]

	Genma closed her eyes and smiled. "Waiwai!" she squeaked,
overjoyed.

Wai ask wai?

[...]

	A green-haired woman carrying a bo-staff entered. Setsuna was
dressed in her normal business wear. [...]

Well, normal business wear except for the staff...
Then again, we don't know where she works, do we?  ;)

[...]

	"Oh, really?" Rei asked, then pointed toward the horde of young
men ahead of them, waving pitchforks, voodoo dolls, crucifixes, burning
torches, and an assortment of other objects that would have had a 1930s
movie monster quaking in their boots. "How about them?"

	"BURN THE WITCH!!!" the group called, their voices seething with
hatred, malice, and an underlying fear.

"She turned me into a newt!"

And now for something.... Completely different.
Certainly not what I was expecting.  :)

[...]

	"Don't... Do not succumb to her wiles," one warned.

	"Redrum," another lost soul muttered.

"Beware Usagi.  She's no *ordinary* rabbit!"

[...]

	One by one, the battered and beaten male students crawled out of
the pile, stumbing away and groaning.

sp:  stumbling

[...]

	The young man raised his wooden sword high above himself, both
hands grasping the bokken as clouds began to gather in the sky. "FOR
THE HONOR OF MY HOUSE, MY CLAN, MY FAMILY... I AM THE BLUE THUNDER OF
FURINKAN HIGH!!!"

	*BOOM!*CRASH!* Lightning flashed and thunder crashed about him
for several seconds, before the effects finally died down.

"There can be only one!"

[...]

	"I am willing to risk _anything_ to free thee from the malevolent
powers of this unholy demon, fair Rei!" Kuno proclaimed, diving in for
another strike. "It is _he_ who hast enslaved thee to thy will,
forcing-OOMPH!"

gram:  It is he who hast enslaved thee to his will
or:    It is he who hast enslaved thee to thy fate

[...]

	*Rumble* Thunder roared briefly. Ranma glanced up to see black
rainclouds gathering.

sp:  rain clouds

[...]

	Within a few seconds, it finally began to rain, the sounds of the
droplets hitting the ground echoing throughout the nearly empty
schoolground.

sp:  school ground

	The young man trudged a few steps in the rain, walking to the
wall, and leaned on it. "The cur will feel the righteous wrath of..."
He sighed. "But I know nothing of him, and he has defeated me with
impunity. This may be a battle even the Blue Thunder cannot win
alone..."

Has defeated Kuno?  What, no more hasts?  :j

[...]

	*Whump!* Suddenly, a little, pink-haired girl carrying a kettle
jumped over the wall, landing on Kuno's head.

Little pink-haired girls seem to have a tendency to drop out of the
air and onto people's heads, don't they?

[...]

	The girl nodded. "Yeah. He came to school? Seen 'em?"

suggest:  He come to school?

[...]

	A man in a white labcoat stood, laughing maniacally above his lab
equipment.

sp:  lab coat
(Further spellings ignored.)

[...]

	A dark flash struck the room as Otaku-san's pencil tore itself
from his grasp, quickly warping into a humanoid shape. Within seconds,
the pencil had changed into a voluptuous woman with a black, pointy
pageboy haircut, wearing a tight grey business suit and carrying a
brown briefcase in her left hand. She wore a pair of round eyeglasses
on her face.

	She was also about eight inches tall.

	Atsukamashii blinked, looking at her. "Hey... that's cute!"

I want one!

[...]

	"REPORTINATOR!" the tiny woman shouted, [...]

Not to be confused with the guy on the motorcycle.  ;)

[...]

	Kuno swung around, then raised his wooden sword above him, and
slashed down at the Reportinator, a thick bolt of blue lightning
trailing his weapon.

	*SMASSSSZZZZZZZZT!* Kuno's strike connected straight-on.

No rose?  Electrical attack?  Are you telling me that Kuno is Jupiter?
Hey, he's the tallest classmate, he gets into fights... It all fits!  I
can see it now!  "I am Kuno Makoto, the Pretty Soldier, Sailor Jupiter!"
^_^;;;

[...]

	*SCREAAAAOWWW!!!* A black shadow clawed its way out of the
shattered ovid, screamed, and dissipated into the air.

An interesting metamorphosis  [stupid Latin pun]

sp:  ovoid

	Kuno turned back toward Kaolinite. "Return that crystal to its
owner, demonspawn!"

sp:  demon-spawn
(I think)

[...]

	Slowly, Kuno pulled himself out of the wall. "Truly, her spirit
has fire within it," he whispered, somewhat dazed.

"I would date with you!"

[...]

	"Stop it, you two!" Rei shouted. "Unless you want a squad of
stormtroopers breathing down our necks!"

	Ranma looked sideways at her. "Stormtroopers...?"

	"Big guys in white armor with guns? Yes, stormtroopers!!!"

Uh...

	"Enough," Kuno spat, and pulled out a brass tea kettle that
gleamed in the flourescent lighting. "Your doom is at hand!"

sp:  fluorescent

[...]

	"Wrong," Kuno smiled, "it is an artifact given to me by an
angelic young sprite, sent from the famed Kuno Sounkun for thy
destruction, netherspawn!"

sp:  nether-spawn
(I think)

[...]

	"I know not what thou speakest of, Saotome," the kendoist
replied, and held the kettle forward like a talisman. "But now, it is
_I_ who have the advantage!" He began to advance.

suggest:  I know not what of which thou speakest

Actually, I would suggest dropping all the -est verb endings,
as they look especially goofy.  Do you really want Kuno to
sound so... *archaic*?  Normally he just talks formally (unless
he's quoting something archaic).

	Tomoe-sensei laughed.

They say laugher is the best medicine.  I'm sure he's healthy...

[...]

	Finally, a male student by the name of Hiroshi spoke up. "Hey,
check it out! Ranma's a Metamorphic Jadacha Hermaphrodite!"

	His friend, Daisuke looked at him. "A what?!"

	"A cross-gender shapeshifter! With shapeshifting clothes, too!"

	Daisuke looked back to the girl below. "Oh. Cool, I guess..."

	Hiroshi grinned. "I dare you to ask 'em out!"

	"Whaaat?! No way!"

	"Hey, I don't know about you, but I think she's cute!"

	"She's a _guy_!"

	"Heh... Doesn't look like it from _this_ angle!"

"But I'd better check from more angles.
And use my camera for an objective record..."

	"Yeah, but-"

	"And how do you know she isn't really a she and she's just
disguised 'cause she's looking for her prince or something?"

	"Oooh, good point..."

That IS a good point!

[...]

	*Chink* Rei's shoe tapped against the kettle that Kuno had
dropped. "Hmm..." She picked it up and popped open the lid. "Just hot
water. No wacky surprises, and I'm not getting any wierd vibes from
it..." She nodded to herself. "He could probably use this."

sp:  weird

[...]

	"Oh," the woman said, turning back toward the chalkboard,
silently thanking her lucky stars that the school hadn't switched to
that annoying whiteboard-thing with the colored markers yet. Suddenly,
something struck her as very odd, and she turned back to Usagi.
"Tsukino-san, you are aware that there's a cat on your head, aren't
you?"

Hey, mascots belong on the shoulder or perched on the head.
Witness the SM cats, Pikachu, Ryo-ohki...

[...]

	"Errrrr," Genma whispered uneasily, and brought her hands back,
and thrust them forward again. "Momoiri Satou Iki Batsu!"

	Again, nothing happened... until a second later when a stream of
small, light-red Ki spheres pulsed out from her hands at the man, a few
cute music-box notes playing in the background.

	*Boink-boink-boink-boink* The spheres bounced off of him without
effect, not even working to slow him down.

Would this be the dreaded Pink Sugar Heart Attack?  I haven't been...
fortunate... enough to see Chibi Sailor Moon or her attacks.

[...]

	What she didn't count on was the man shooting the rope mere
milimeters above her hands.

sp:  millimeters

[...]

	Next, she took a few steps back to check her handywork. The man
was now immobilized, having been tied rather like a sausage.

sp:  handy work
(I think)

	The cat-shaped ballon responded to her call, speeding at the
biker, turning into a thick, black cloth that wraped itself tightly
around the man's head.

sp:  balloon
sp:  wrapped

	The man did not respond, and, apparently unhurt by Genma's
attack, ripped the cloth off of his face and looked at the girl with
his glowing red eyes. "It is over now, little girl," he said, leveling
his shotgun at her.

"I am going to pump [clap] you up!"

	Genma leat out a quick "EEEEP!!!" then took off running... but
didn't get very far.

sp:  Genma let out

[...]

	She had used the most powerful weapon in her arsenal... and it
was over.

I though Genma's most powerful weapon was sending out the boy?  ;)

[...]

	And beneath the parted flesh was a silvery-gray metal.

sp:  silvery-grey
(I use "gray", but you use "grey" everywhere else.)

[...]

	The little girl spun around wildly, releasing Ki blades at key
points along the building's superstructure, utterly destroying this
side's ability to stay upright.

Don't mess with Chibi-Genma.  She'll kick you ass!

[...]

	The robot had been slightly damaged, but only in its organic
component. It wasn't even limping.

	Genma let out a quick, frightened squeak and continued her sprint
back to the Tendo household.

This seriously needs to be read to the T2 soundtrack...

[...]

	"Well, odango, it certainly looks like you've made yourself at
home," a somewhat deep female voice came from next to her.

Watch out, Ranma.  I think this one wants to eat you...

[...]

	Rei glared up at her. "Oh, but it's the perfect name for you!
Think about it: You've got odangos on the outside of your head, to go
with the spaghetti _inside_!"

Uh...

Maybe "noodles" would be better than spaghetti?
Or meatballs and spaghetti?

[...]

	The raven-haired girl paused. "Do they serve spaghetti with
odangos? No, that's meatballs," she whispered to herself, [...]

Er...  That could have come sooner.

[...]

	Rei folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Osage no Hime, huh?
Speak Japanese, Kuno. I can't understand you."

I have to say I agree with the sentiment...

[...]

	"Are you really a girl, or are you one of those creepy ana- mates
things?"

What's an "ana-mate thing"?

[...]

	A young woman in a business outfit, carrying a tape recorder,

Not to be confused with her 8" tall counterpart...

[...]

	"However," he added in a slightly lighter tone, "since this is
the first occurence, leniency is required."

sp:  occurrence

	Soun's tears died down as he noticed the badge on the machine's
jacket. "You're... a truant officer?"

Geez, weren't you paying attention to the foreshadowing with Shingo?!?

[...]

	Soun and Genma looked at eachother, not quite knowing whether to
be relieved or scream in terror.

sp:  each other

	A very tall, red-haired woman in a purple gown was seated on a
large, garish, skeletal throne as she waved her hands over a staff
topped with a crystal globe, which levitated inches above the floor in
front of her.

Gee, why can't Beryl be a short, red-haired woman?  With a pig-tail?  ;)

[...]

	In the next heartbeat, a blonde man [...]

suggest: blond man
(Blonde for females, blond for males, ala French)

[...]

	The dimunitive girl narrowed her eyes up at the woman and began a
retort, but broke off when Ranma and Rei walked in through the large
hole in the wall.

sp:  diminutive

[...]

	Ranma raised her arms to block the move... but it never came. She
looked down to see the boy kneeling before her, his face down and his
right hand holding up a red, long-stemmed rose.

Oh, so he's a Tuxedo Mask candidate again?
And here everyone wanted to see him in a fuku...

[...]

	"You don't remember remember me?" the man asked in an amused
tone. "Why, Princess Serenity, I'm crushed. Surely you remember the
first of Queen Beryl's generals, don't you?"

dup:  You don't remember me?

[...]

	"And I am Jadeite, general of the Dark Kingdom. Delightful to
finally meet you, Miss Moon."

With the "Soun-kun"s, "Otaku-san"s, and "Haruna-sensei"s,
a "Miss" Moon looks out of place.

[...]

	"Heralded by a loud explosion," one said, "I am here: Tendo
Haruka, acting, heh, violently."

Violence is cool.  Heh heh.

[...]

&&&[End Chapter 2.]

[...]

No matter how many prereaders you put this stuff through, there's
always something...

Maybe one or two things.  :j

[...]

Not to worry, though! Louis-Philippe Giroux has shown interest in
continuing the story, and has been briefed in the basic idea of the
plotline. So, with a bit of luck, and a lot of patience, who knows?

WHAT?!?  Giroux?  You want him to continue this? [pounds head]
He's already got Lines of Destiny and his WoT story to deal with!!
Oh, man, we'll never see the next parts...


Well, all in all, I found it pretty funny.  I like the concept of a
SM/Ranma merging where the context is more on the Ranma side of things
than the SM side.

I found the constant quotes and sound effects from Shingo's game to be
distracting.  I also don't know what the deal is with Usagi bring home
a tiger.  I'm assuming there's a later tie-in, since there wasn't much
payoff as a joke.

Of for the terminator, I found him a little confusing.  He acted like
Arnold from T1, but his opening quote was that of Arnold from T2.  I
thought he was supposed to be the Good Terminator, but then he started
hunting poor Chibi-Genma. ;_;

There was more Japanese than I like to see in an English fic (mostly
due to Genma's untranslated attacks).  You seemed to pick up on it with
Rei's remark, but you didn't go anywhere with it.

Otherwise, it looks golden.  See you in two years(!)  Oh and make sure
you set vacation mode.  The backlog of messages could be a killer. ;)


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall  *  dougmacd@dougmacd.net  *  http://www.dougmacd.net/
"You were nicer when you were evil...  Cuter, too.  Definitely more sexy!"