Reid Carson <rcarson@user2.mnsinc.com> wrote:

       I agree that the tone isn't quite right yet. I can't help
here much, because frankly I have a great deal of trouble writing
humor myself.

Well, this part was very much a setup. The subsequent ones should be
funnier (though there will be some serious stuff mixed in as well).

[snip excellent essay on genie legends]

I greatly appreciate the info, and I shall be going through it to see
what I can use from it. I do want to make it clear that dramatic and
humor value are higher priorities for me here than consistency with
genie legend. It's the same way that Takahashi decided a blow to the
head will free a victim possessed by an Oni, while this is surely not
the case in Japanese legend. Why? Because it leads to slapstick, and
later to a situation where the gang can't free Kasumi because they can't
bear to strike her.

       From what we've seen so far, I would posit we have the second
case, with the djinn trapped in Ranma's female body. I would imagine
only one person at a time, or perhaps only certain people, will
actually gain the djinn's powers upon falling in; others will simply
change into women. (I assume this because otherwise people would be
throwing each other in the pool right and left.)

Not necessarily. First of all, even the Guide didn't know that this was
a genie spring. Secondly, one could ask why more people haven't jumped
into the Ashura spring, or even the one in which Pantyhose was baptised.
It's simply a law of the Ranmaverse that no one uses the pools except
when it's the will of the gods of Jusenkyo, i.e. the writer.

       Without recapping the whole intro, I do feel this could stand to
be expanded slightly. Not too much, though. I think you're better off
just plunging in.

I'll see what I can do with this.

       I don't agree that there needs to be any more indication of a
wish being granted than this - I think people have watched too much
TV and seen too many movies. The humor can work better this way.

I agree.

	Akane lashed out with a fist, and time seemed to go into slow
motion. Her senses flared into an alertness at a level she'd never

                           into a level of alertness she'd never

Right.

before experienced. She was aware of every minute motion, even every
drop of sweat on Ranma's body.

       Yikes! Akane no hentai!

Heh.

	Akane blinked. She was suddenly looking at a different person.
The black pigtail was still there, but the person attached to it now
wore a dark red Chinese shirt and black pants. And he was male. She
spent several moments staring at the flat, muscular chest to confirm it.
Definitely male.

       Planning to edge over into lime territory, are we?

Eventually. :)

	Pop nodded. "That's about the size of it, Tendo."

       I agree that "Pop" at this point is wrong, since it's not
specifically stated that we're seeing Ranma's viewpoint in this
paragraph. The previous two occurrences were okay.

The whole scene is Ranma's POV. I almost always stick to a single
viewpoint for a given scene, and changes are indicated by an extra
skipped line or a scene break mark.

	"I wish you hadn't done that, son," Mr. Tendo gently admonished.
"Your father was trying to--" He stopped in mid-sentence, gaping at Pop
who was now back in human form. "Saotome? How did you--?"

       Here Soun wishes for the past to be changed. I would rephrase
that if you decide to go with that for one of the restrictions. Your
choice, of course.

Can't think of another phrasing that he'd naturally say at the moment.
Besides, the wish didn't really change the past -- just adjusted the
present by putting Genma back to human form. Had the past actually been
changed, whatever wish Genma had intended to make would've gone into
effect.

       Exactly. The wish is canceled, but the indirect effects linger.
This makes it child's play for Nabiki to gain as much wealth as she
wants, and anything else for that matter. Also indicates how Genma and
Ranma can go about getting rid of their curses, if they're careful,
which is unlikely, I admit.

Genma and Ranma could've gotten rid of their curses in the CANON if they
were careful and used a bit of brains.

       Looking forward to the next part.

Thanks! The C&C is much appreciated.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html