C&C to parts 10 AND 11 below.
Spoilers ahead, and snippage throughout.

Ch 10 - Vindication

[...]

	"We had PE together after lunch, and we both saw her in math,"
Ukyou thought out loud. "Waitasec... Wasn't Nabiki gone today? Maybe
Akane went to fill in as Nurse's aid last period."

Nurse's aide

	"Already checked. Damnitt..."

Dammit.  Or damn it.  This is misspelled in several other places.

	"Calm-down, Ran-chan. Maybe she went on a date with Ryouga?

You used Ranchan before, without a hyphen.  For consistency, pick one
form and stick to it.  And use the same form for Ucchan('s)/Uc-chan('s).

[...]

	"I got this to keep Konatsu out of trouble at the restaraunt,"

restaurant

[...]

	In only a few minutes, Ranma made his way over the rooftops to
the shopping district. He dropped to the ground in front of the
Nekohanten, but a quick peek inside told him that Akane wasn't there,
and Shampoo, Mousse and Cologne were so busy with the after-school rush
that they would certainly not have time to be tending to a kidnapee.

Do you mean that they were too busy to make a kidnapping attempt?  'Cause
there's not much to "tending to a kidnappee".  Just tie 'em and gag 'em,
or throw them into a locked room.

	He only stopped for a second to poke his head into Ucchan's and
continued on his way.

Heh.  :)

[...]

	The ninja shook his head emphaticly, and pointed to the front of

emphatically

[...]

	"Is Akane here?" Ukyou asked.

	It was kind of eerie the way everyone in the house just stopped
to stare at her when she asked that.

Oh, Miss Customer.  You come to very cursed place...

[...]

	"Oh... Can I see her? Ran-chan's kinda worried, and I said I'd
check up on her and...

End quote.

	The glance that Kasumi and Nabiki exchanged was kind of
disturbing. Ukyou felt, rather than heard her question taper off into
nothing.

This sounds a little weird.  Feeling her voice taper off?

[...]

	Ukyou grimaced. Something was *definitely wrong here*. "Why won't

The emphasis is weird.  Perhaps "...*definitely* wrong here."

you let me see her? Is something wrong? I told Ran- chan that I'd check
up on her and I ain't gonna leave until I find out what's--"

	"Ffffoooorrrggggeeettttt...." Nabiki commanded.

That's a neat trick, drawing out a hard G and T sounds!  :j

[...]

	Ukyou wondered why Nabiki was staring into her eyes. Also, when
had she come to the dojo?

	"Thank you for the okonomiyaki, Ukyou!" Kasumi exclaimed. Ukyou
wondered why she was glaring at Nabiki while she said it.

The first time I read this, I thought Ukyo was the one glaring, not
Kasumi.  Maybe "Ukyou wondered why the other girl was glaring..."

[...]

	She turned, and was about to leave when she heard a footfall on
the step. It was Akane, with Ranma's mother standing a few feet behind
her. There was something wrong. The girl was looking pretty pale.

Based off of part 11, should Akane be saying "Okonomiaki" here?

	"Akane," Ukyou greeted her. "You doin' okay, Sugar? You catch
Nabiki's cold?"

[...]

	Worse, Ukyou hadn't called yet. Cursing himself for not thinking
of it before he left the school grounds, Ranma pulled the phone out of
his pocket and began to try to puzzle out how to turn it on.

Been there!

[...]

	It was a girl... about Akane's height, but with long red hair,
about the same shade as his when he was a girl. She had a slender body
and a pretty face, and was made up in strong, yet tasteful makeup. She
wore a long, conservative dress, and held her hands together demurely.

	"Hey," Ranma greeted her, jumping from the building's rain gutter
to the street. "Watcha need?"

	"You seek a girl," the redhead answered in a tone that was more
statement than question.

	"Yeah, my... innazuke's gone missing."

	The girl pointed behind Ranma, to the naked girders of a
construction project. "There," she intoned.

	Ranma turned to see the unfinished building. "There? You saw
Akane?"

	He turned back, only to find the redhead gone.

Hmm...

[...]

	The Ravener, dull-eyed and greasy, just like the one he had
fought before, raised its hideous claws to slash at the girl's belly.

Everywhere else, you spell Ravener in all lowercase.

[...]

	Ranma sprinted away from the monster, trying to find something...
anything to stop it with. Remembering her mother's words about the
ravener's indestructable nature, Ranma began to lose hope of beating
the thing.

indestructible

[...]

	Ranma rolled with the punch, and leapt back out of the monster's
reach, her face still stinging with the punch. She reeled at the
disgusting feeling of it. It was clammy, and cold, like a corpse. It
had a cold burning...

Cold burning is an oxymoron.  It isn't a problem in and of itself, but it
doesn't mesh well with the previous description of it being cold and clammy.
I don't think you need the burning adjective it to help set up the hiryu
shoten ha scene, either.

[...]

	In her path, Ranma spied a bucket of nails. Almost as an
afterthought, instead of stepping over it, Ranma kicked the bucket of
nails up, over the monster's head.

The second time, just say "it", not "bucket of nails," again.

[...]

	In three pieces, with bits and pieces and black goo strewn all
around it, the ravener had finally quit moving.

	Seeing a gas can near the crane, Ranma ran over and uncapped it.
Avoiding stepping in any of the black goo, she liberally poured diesel
all over the monster and the pile of bricks. Then, using a rock to
scrape a spark off the steel beam, she watched the fiend burn.

Way to go, Ranma!  Looks like Nodoka doesn't know as much as she thought.

[...]

Ch 11 - Akane

[...]

	After the intenseness of the sensation died down, however, Akane

intensity

[...]

	Indeed, Akane found that the light streaming in the window was
not quite so unbearably bright, nor were the cacophony of sounds
pouring into her ears. In fact, she began to make out individual
sounds, the swish, click, and occasional clang of Kasumi's cooking, the
scrape and tap of her father and Uncle Saotome's Shogi pieces, and the
rapid scratching from the pencil as Nabiki balanced her ledgers.

Shogi does not need to be capitalized.

[...]

	Akane recaught her balance, and began to pad gingerly to the door

regained

[...]

	Her mother and Kasumi were sipping tea. Still clad in only a
short nightgown, Nabiki was doing something that looked suspiciously
like homework. She was using an abacus, so there was a good chance that
she was merely figuring her books. Ranma thought the latter.

What do you mean, "figuring her books"?  Also, Nabiki does own a
calculator.  She uses it in the manga.

	They all looked up in surprise at his disheveled appearance when
he walked into the room, and there *was* the reason that he had fought
that monster in the first place.

Ranma's a girl, so the he's and him's need to be she's and her's.
Looks like you got it right everywhere else.

I would also suggest changing the sentence to "...she walked into the
room.  There *was* a reason why she had fought that monster in the first
place."

[...]

	Ranma turned, relief quickly fading into foreboding.

Oh, Mr. Customer, is very tragic story of girl what turn into vampire...

[...]

	Before she had a chance to speak, Ranma drew away from the girl,
the image of her elongated canines etching itself firmly in her mind.

	She hissed sharply, sucking air between her teeth in shock and
anger.

I would keep the above two paragraphs together.  It would make it clearer
that Ranma is doing the hissing, not the certain someone with the canines.

[...]

	Tears began to gather in Akane's eyes as Ranma turned to face her
mother.

	"This is *YOUR* fault!" she accused.

You know, if Nodoka offered her katana to Ranma again, I think
the ending might be significantly different this time around.

[...]

	She broke through the group and leapt out the back shoji,
knocking one off its runner.

	The four women stood in silence for several seconds, gazing in
shock at the fled martial artist.

	"Well," Nabiki continued. "He certainly took that well."

	With a choked moan of concern, Akane ran out through the open
shoji after the cursed girl.

My newly acquired _Anime Companion_ states that a shoji is one of those
sliding doors with the paper on it.  So when Ranma leapt out the shoji,
did she go *through* it?  Is "shoji" interchangable with "door", as you
use it above?

[...]

	Ranma snarled. Akane felt her knees trembling at the high-pitched
hiss.

	"This is just like the damned super soba or--"

I don't see Ranma drawing a likeness between Akane's current condition
and those events.  I mean, what's happened now has changed what Akane
*is*, not just what she can do.

Or is she trying to say that Akane's on a power trip?  If so, I think
it should be made a little clearer.

	"The super soba or Do-chan or any of a hundred other ways I have
desperately tried to protect myself and my family, Ranma!" she snapped
back. "But now its a part of me!"

An interesting rationalization on Akane's part.  Of course, she really
used the super soba for revenge on Shampoo, and she treated the battle
dougi like a pet when she wasn't using it to beat on Ranma...

[...]

	"Can't you see what you've become?" Ranma demanded, beginning to
back away from the girl. "Can't you see what you're doing?"

	"I HAVE BECOME WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF!" Akane screeched.

You've always dreamed of becoming a creature that feeds on the blood
of humans as it still flows through their bodies?  O-Kaaay.  8|

[...]

	Akane didn't realize she had slapped at Ranma until she had
crossed the thirty foot gap between them in two steps. Her open palm
blurred in the air as it sped towards Ranma.

Since she didn't connect (this time), you probably shouldn't say "she
had slapped Ranma".  Perhaps, "Akane didn't realize that she was
slapping..." or, "was about to slap..."

[...]

	Racing three sheets to the wind, the pair ran through a wooded
yard. Ranma bounced off the branches of the oak tree like a pachinko
ball. Akane followed his every move, breaking several of the branches
Ranma had just lit lightly upon.

I'm not sure the pachinko ball metaphor fits well.  They don't bounce
around so much as trickle down, don't they?

[...]

	Pushing herself, Akane caught up with the red head, only to catch

redhead

[...]

	Within seconds, the two came to the bridge over the canal.

a bridge(?)

[...]

	Ranma groaned with the impact but turned lashed out at the girl.
She caught Akane on the shoulder with a mis-aimed fist, but Akane

Perhaps, "misplaced punch"?

returned her blow, jamming her fist into Ranma's ribs. Ranma tried to
twist out of Akane's grip, but the girl had caught her leg in a
scissors lock. Akane jerked violently, wrenching Ranma's leg.

Way to go, Akane!  Beating up a girl who's already been ripped up by
a(nother) monster.

[...]

	Blow after blow was exchanged, but neither of the girls let up.
It was by no means a martial arts competition, but rather a drop down
drag out brawl. Both were so hurt and confused that they couldn't find
their centers well enough for event the most basic techniques. Instead,

even the most basic techniques

they rolled on the ground like drunken wrestlers, hammering away at

drunken brawlers.  Wrestlers don't punch.

each other like a whirlwind.

[...]

	"Oh my god! Whats the matter, Ran-chan?" Ukyou cried, dropping
her wire brush and running over to the exhausted young woman. A quick

What's the matter

inspection of the listless youth showed her to be bruised, probably
beaten, and dirty with a crusty black goo.

I really hope they wash that stuff off.


I *completely* empathize with Ranma in this story.  Everyone in his
family is turning out to be some monster or other.  His mother has
turned his fiancee and her sisters into vampires, his father's got
no problems with the situation, and Soun has presented himself as a
meal for his middle daughter.

I'm very interested in what Ranma's going to do next.  Can he go back
to the den of vampires?  He knows they can mess with his mind.  And of
the ones his mother wanted to change, he's the only one left...

I can see lots of possible outcomes.  Most of them are dark, but I want
to see where the author is going to take things.  Most of all, I can't
help but think about what Genma has said on a number of occasions
(evil oni, cursed scroll):  it's a martial artist's duty to deal
with monsters.

I continue to be pleased with this story.  As I've already told the author,
I'm not a vampire fan; there's no appeal to the modernized mythos for me.
This story does suffer a little bit from the glorification vampires: they
have great powers, but no problems with garlic, crosses, sunlight, or
apparently running water (the bridge scene).  They don't have uncontrollable
bloodlusts, and can survive by the occasion sip from the people they help.

Still, the story hasn't focussed on the vampire or monster aspect so
much as the psychological conflicts.  That's what really holds my interest.
I really liked these two parts becuase they brought the choices made by
Akane and Ranma to a peak.

Hoping for more.  Later,


Doug

----
Douglas MacDougall     Art and fiction available at my homepage:
dougmacd@thecia.net    http://www.thecia.net/~dougmacd/fanworks/